So, yeah. 2014's ending in a few hours, and my night wouldn't be complete without commemorating how interesting my life's been for the past month.
It has definitely been a roller coaster ride these past few weeks. I have somehow managed to promise myself a few things, that, unfortunately, were almost, but not quite done. I thought this would be the year I get to complete the dawn masses, but alas, a day before the last one, exhaustion got the better of me.
It's crazy how I beat myself up over it and effing stormed through life for those last 2 days. It was childish, yes, but it was an offering for something I wanted--for someone else. I originally believed that I'd only get a more powerful prayer if I completed everything, but, after missing that single one, I had to convince myself that life doesn't depend on perfecting these rituals that have somehow grown into a fad for great hopes and dreams for some. I guess, in a way, that was the answer I got--that, if I keep my faith strong, what I earnestly pray for will eventually come to fruition. In His perfect time. We were told during mass that He is never selfish, and gives so much more than what we really need. All we have to do is be patient.
And patience did I have. I had a plan. And I changed it. Now, I'm still waiting. At that time, though, it didn't matter that I had prayed for my dreams less. I just had something better to pray for, and I would gladly work harder on personal matters if what deems important to my family gets the lion's share of my faith.
It took the last month of the year to make me grateful and nothing else. I'm extremely grateful. I really am. Because when everything works out for the better, I'm certain that seemingly wasted money and vacation plans won't even matter anymore.
For now, though, I just have to lean onto my rock-solid firewall of a faith.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Allusions
It still baffles me that in an alternate universe, most units coexist but don't even trust each other. I mean, thank God I'm not part of that hullabaloo, but it sends shivers down my spine whenever I witness these relationships in action.
Lord, please bless those who need to learn how to open their hearts the most, and to learn how to let go of seemingly superficial relationships to make space for genuine ones that will come along. It saddens me that some future colleagues of mine refuse to acknowledge the beauty of working as a team and making things happen together, but instead lambast each other (albeit indirectly) for the rest of the world to see. I understand that a healthy amount of caution be employed in everything we do, but this amount of distrust is clearly a leap further than alarming.
It's quite unsettling that I am thrust into an environment that contains elements such as these, but I remain firm in my belief that there will always be a way for things to get better. I can only hope and pray that sometime soon, or perhaps someday, the shroud of confusion clears up and everyone decides that maturity will breathe so much more good into our lives.
In anything and everything, and, most importantly, above all things... Faith.
Lord, please bless those who need to learn how to open their hearts the most, and to learn how to let go of seemingly superficial relationships to make space for genuine ones that will come along. It saddens me that some future colleagues of mine refuse to acknowledge the beauty of working as a team and making things happen together, but instead lambast each other (albeit indirectly) for the rest of the world to see. I understand that a healthy amount of caution be employed in everything we do, but this amount of distrust is clearly a leap further than alarming.
It's quite unsettling that I am thrust into an environment that contains elements such as these, but I remain firm in my belief that there will always be a way for things to get better. I can only hope and pray that sometime soon, or perhaps someday, the shroud of confusion clears up and everyone decides that maturity will breathe so much more good into our lives.
In anything and everything, and, most importantly, above all things... Faith.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Sunsets
There will always be one fateful day of clarity. That day when everything that used to be blurred just clears out. I'm not usually blessed with these moments, but when I am, it'll definitely be a crazy ride back to reality after everything's been said and done.
It wasn't today, of course. Or yesterday. Or the day before that. But the past few weeks, I think, have been deeply priming me for some sort of transition I will either love or loathe.
I'm gonna let you in on a little secret--time alone scares me. It's one of the best feelings in the world, of course, since you become productive alone, too, but that same productivity is something I find so hard to trust.
Just like a sword, everything good has a double edge. This isn't pessimistic at all, but, in reality, there will always be two sides to anything. Going back to my previous train of thought, I hate alone time as much as I bask in it. Because it is the one thing that never fails to catch me off-guard. Every. Single. Time.
When I started over, I had so much pain and longing for the life I had to leave behind, and it hurt like hell that something you work so hard on gets taken away from you in the blink of an eye. It was a struggle, to say the least, which I somehow managed to work through, but now that I'm in the middle of yet another transition in my life, it still feels strange that there's so much I hold back on. It isn't anything selfish, really, just... Proper.
A few days ago I was asked an age-old question: Safe and boring or Dangerous but fun? The waiting game indeed sucks to begin with and real strength lies in making choices. But I still don't know which side I'm on. Maybe I'll find out soon? Yes. Maybe.
In other news, I'm insanely grateful for the gift of foresight. I always knew such an incident would change the way the world turned, and it did. At least for me. Sure, there were random swipes at what tito Rico sang about, but the decision was mounted by the flick that, without a doubt, sealed the deal.
It doesn't even matter that the quest for normalcy remains in action--the sun simply cannot be stopped from setting. Kudos to uninhibited glory, too, because it was exactly what I needed to ride my chariot and join the fate of the red-orange sun. At least, as I end this sojourn, I know a new one will begin. And it will be as tumultuous as what I just came from. Only, this time, I know how my horses should be held.
I went into this transition with hope that my weary heart can get by--and it did, for a while. Only now, I feel like I need to take those steps back and reevaluate my road less taken. Since it was my follow-through that drained my sanity out, I trust that this same follow-through wrings out anything dragging me down. It was Nostradamus from the very start--my little Saunder would ultimately take me off the edge. And, not surprisingly, Marissa Cooper never gets to Berkeley.
This is probably my last semblance-of-an-actual-summer and I can't wait to start it. All apprehensions should be put to rest real soon, as I hang my proverbial mask and face the inevitable depths of the unknown. I know it'll be less than eventful, and that I won't even get to feel sand between my toes, but there's a certain kind of calm that I'm looking forward to feeling once all this is over. And, maybe then, I'd be completely at peace.
For right now, though, I see myself become one of those shadowy figures I drew back in sixth grade. Solitary, staring out into the sun, passively allowing the red-orange beacon of hope sink into the darkness of the sea.
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Breathless
I feel like I'm falling headfirst into an endless void and there's no way out. I seemingly keep myself chained to nothingness, allowing everything to happen without me being part of it.
I guess it's normal that hormonal tendencies get in the way of endorphin-loading tired minds. I keep paddling on, but the void keeps pulling me back... So far back that life keeps happening while I helplessly hang on, and I passively (but rather painstakingly) ride the horrific coaster that forcefully propels me to oblivion.
I am both anxious and excited for the terminal vacay of my medical career. I may be boring or even stressed out by then, or even totally devoid of adventure, but one thing's for sure-I will be gone. It's about time I make up for lost eons because I kind of miss myself already.
I guess it's normal that hormonal tendencies get in the way of endorphin-loading tired minds. I keep paddling on, but the void keeps pulling me back... So far back that life keeps happening while I helplessly hang on, and I passively (but rather painstakingly) ride the horrific coaster that forcefully propels me to oblivion.
I am both anxious and excited for the terminal vacay of my medical career. I may be boring or even stressed out by then, or even totally devoid of adventure, but one thing's for sure-I will be gone. It's about time I make up for lost eons because I kind of miss myself already.
posted from Bloggeroid
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Respect.
Most annoying thing in this world is when people put words into my mouth. And it doesn't help that my allergies that have acted up over the weekend have turned into a full-blown flu. Today's trust dented.
Just so everyone knows, reaching a new high does not constitute total freedom devoid of respect. And dismissing a conversation haphazardly and rather condescendingly is even more infuriating to someone who does not deserve it at all.
Ugh. I'm getting a headache just thinking about it.
Just so everyone knows, reaching a new high does not constitute total freedom devoid of respect. And dismissing a conversation haphazardly and rather condescendingly is even more infuriating to someone who does not deserve it at all.
Ugh. I'm getting a headache just thinking about it.
posted from Bloggeroid
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Begin Again
When you get to the point of no return, and walls seem to be closing in on you, you realize that it is not meant to be perfect after all.
posted from Bloggeroid
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Restricted Access
This night was never intended to be desserts-laden, but because of rested psyches and somewhat refreshed minds, that's basically what it turned out to be.
I may not see eye-to-eye with the many decisions I see around me everyday, but I believe that at the heart of this is the resignation to my fate--that some things simply have to happen for the rest of it to fall into place.
Indeed, the only thing that gets me all tied up never gets old. It's that perfect moment of captured incapacity, knotting up every ironed-out strand of my sanity to the ends of the earth and enveloping my solace with a blanket of haze. It's one of those times when the ever-so-infallible strength I assume crumbles into smithereens. And it happens all the time. In the most random of moments, in those times I never see coming.
It's probably common knowledge to some that the one entity I take as my shield is the only ever entity that can choose decide to disarm me. I may repeatedly refuse to recognize its power over me, but deep down, my mind is sure that even a single flick of a finger can bring me to the road to my demise. OKAY, so it isn't really my demise, but just the thought of it harbors ill feelings of varying possibilities that my mind refuses to entertain. It's a transition my weary heart dares not fathom, because with it come options that my ears are scared to receive.
But since I choose not to spend forever in the never-ending abyss that is oblivion, someday I gotta get my sh*t together and man up for anything that comes my way. I don't know if I'll ever have the courage to truly deal with the aftermath, but one thing's for sure--tears will fall, whatever this transition does to my battered facade.
I know it's completely absurd to keep stressing out on something that can be solved by elementary mathematics, but the very thing that clams me up is the repercussions, if any, that something so elementary can bring. It's something I need to resolve, fast, because I know that my constant overthinking will someday bring me to the edge. And common knowledge also dictates (though silently) that things may not be as calm and pretty when all hell breaks loose. I can only pray, therefore, that I be given enough strength to persevere, whether or not what I've been praying for materializes.
I have no idea if I should really allow myself to believe what most people tell me. But maybe I should also consider giving myself the opportunity to see things in a new light. So should I follow the natural course of things, according to my immediate world? Or do I allow myself to remain in the dark, calculating every single time how many steps forward I should take to get to just the right spot? My mind tells me that something should come out of this soon, or else I risk heightened irregularities and nonsensical musings. But merely thinking about it constitutes some extent of pulse-racing and distractedness... That even in the midst of everything crystal clear and serene, there's a debilitating sense of calm (the unnerving kind) that washes over me.
Okay. It's probably what populations are screaming for me to admit, so here it is--I'm scared. This isn't something that goes according to plan, no matter how much it's rehearsed. It just fails miserably. Every single time. And the other thing that kills me is the insane possibility that this goes exactly according to plan, which will leave me dumbfounded.
In everything, though, there is something that's called a silver lining--and no matter how crappy situations may be, it's still there. We only need enough insight to recognize its existence, and to dispel anything derogatory that may relentlessly try to mask it. Because, in truth, everything is just a matter of perspective. And the one who chooses the worse alternative ends up in the losing end.
The question is, with everything laid out, and with enough evidence that has been seemingly substantial for the jury, which path do I choose? Maybe, just maybe, I really know exactly what to do... It's just this stubborn brain that keeps me from doing what needs to be done. I've been rambling for the past hour, trying to delay the inevitable, but in my heart of hearts, I know that this only leads to one thing. And that thing needs accomplishment for my heart and mind to finally get the rest they definitely deserve. I will make it happen. Someday. Soon. I hope.
Sunday, October 05, 2014
Taking Chances
What exactly does it take to always live in the moment?
It's as if life keeps taking me to the perils of the void that refuses to exist, leaves me there and never comes back. It's a rush, of course, because somehow, in some way, there's a ray of sunshine that seeps into the cracks, albeit short-lived. And for one brief moment, I relish in the fervor of its almost-perfection.
But then I (truly) open my eyes and realize it was just an oasis after all.
I have recently coerced my weary insides to work together to attain a single goal, which, so far, has been going pretty much alright. However, I still find myself selectively attentive to ideas that breed hypothetical scission. I have no idea if it's noticeable, but I try to make it appear as natural as possible. It's a process that I have yet to get through, of course, which makes life all the more painstaking. But that's that and I do not have control over everything, so I might as well just roll with it.
Nights such as the one that has just passed take me on a journey to the possibility of the beyond, but leaves me longing for the Cinderella story I have (previously) willingly casted to the starry sky. Longing, yes. Expecting, no. Because the beauty of reality is that it gives you exactly what you need at the most perfect time imaginable. It shows you that the little illusion you've repeatedly seen is nothing but exactly that-an illusion-which makes you choose to look past the fairy tale and into the workings of the actual world.
Painful, yes. But inappropriate? No.
It's as if life keeps taking me to the perils of the void that refuses to exist, leaves me there and never comes back. It's a rush, of course, because somehow, in some way, there's a ray of sunshine that seeps into the cracks, albeit short-lived. And for one brief moment, I relish in the fervor of its almost-perfection.
But then I (truly) open my eyes and realize it was just an oasis after all.
I have recently coerced my weary insides to work together to attain a single goal, which, so far, has been going pretty much alright. However, I still find myself selectively attentive to ideas that breed hypothetical scission. I have no idea if it's noticeable, but I try to make it appear as natural as possible. It's a process that I have yet to get through, of course, which makes life all the more painstaking. But that's that and I do not have control over everything, so I might as well just roll with it.
Nights such as the one that has just passed take me on a journey to the possibility of the beyond, but leaves me longing for the Cinderella story I have (previously) willingly casted to the starry sky. Longing, yes. Expecting, no. Because the beauty of reality is that it gives you exactly what you need at the most perfect time imaginable. It shows you that the little illusion you've repeatedly seen is nothing but exactly that-an illusion-which makes you choose to look past the fairy tale and into the workings of the actual world.
Painful, yes. But inappropriate? No.
posted from Bloggeroid
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Starry, Starry Night
I had an epiphany a few nights ago.
And it didn't matter that I had multivolume books before me, too. Despite my brain's efforts to make a beeline for The Zone, apparently, my heart had other plans.
It was something I just couldn't let go of, despite how much it would take a toll on my sanity. And as much as time proved me wrong, in a select few situations, my cerebral senses just refused to back down without a fight, which is precisely what's making it even harder for my blood-pumping machine to discount the facts that haphazardly flash before my eyes.
Preference never really bothered me before, mainly because I believed in equal opportunities for everything and everyone. Unfortunately, though, circumstances aren't that chummy with time, and so they continuously try to outdo each other any chance they can get. Fun for them, not that much fun for us. We are constantly flung into a world of make-believe, where fleeting moments toy with our hearts and mindlessly injure our brains. In the process, hearts are injured, too, and then you are left with double negatives that speak volumes of how it should have been from the very start.
It's clearly a shocker that the better part of my being, the self-preserving one, only decided to really take this seriously now, when I'm in over my head with possibilities and seemingly superficial happiness. But it's never too late, as they say. Someday, it will make sense why certain decisions will have to be made, no matter how delayed the commencement. I think it just works better that way, to assist my brain in trying to steal the monopoly away from my all-too-dominant heart.
Fatalistic tendencies need not be employed for now, because I believe that it wasn't really supposed to have ended as everyone thought it would, anyway. I simply go with how life allows me to flow. And because of certain things, I may never have faith in praises anymore. The line that separates that kind of truth will always and forever be blurred to me, and the only choice will be to stop the charade. In the end, I don't know if this will be something I'll be sad or happy about; but at least, for now, I can permit myself to stop believing in certain things.. And I hope my internal processes agree with me, too.
Funny that what I've been praying for for the longest time have turned into my own personal kryptonite. The Big Guy up there must really love me to have allowed me to believe in what (I thought) would bring me happiness for an extended period of time. Sigh. Even if I have always had a love-hate relationship with patience, I know, deep in my heart, that I am truly capable of it. Now, however, I think time is asking me to stop waiting and move on to better avenues where my patience will be better received. The bigger challenge, though, is how I could make my heart stop resisting this change.
I guess it's already tiring that all I talk about is my ever-so-conflicting heart and mind. But that's what drives me, really. I do not only function with one (even if sometimes, it seems as if I do), and I always make sure that I inject a piece of both in everything that I do. Love me or hate me, but that's how I was programmed. And there will only be a select few who will be able to figure out how my processes can be reconfigured. I most probably don't know them yet (I think, OR maybe I already do), but it would be super if they showed up sooner than soon. :)
I sincerely (and seriously) hope that this transition won't be exasperating to and for some of my dear friends. I hope they get to help me (even indirectly) endure this, too. Because no matter how much I deny it, I'm still just a girl who gets herself hurt by these things. And surely, that won't be a pretty sight. I will be stupid, I will be careless, I will be annoying, and even childish and inconsiderate but I pray that I still find a ray of light somewhere in my peeps.
In the greater scheme of things, I know that this will be good for me. Clichés aren't meant to be honored, anyway. Change is (almost) always good. And I think what comes along with it, acceptance, will be even better.
And it didn't matter that I had multivolume books before me, too. Despite my brain's efforts to make a beeline for The Zone, apparently, my heart had other plans.
It was something I just couldn't let go of, despite how much it would take a toll on my sanity. And as much as time proved me wrong, in a select few situations, my cerebral senses just refused to back down without a fight, which is precisely what's making it even harder for my blood-pumping machine to discount the facts that haphazardly flash before my eyes.
Preference never really bothered me before, mainly because I believed in equal opportunities for everything and everyone. Unfortunately, though, circumstances aren't that chummy with time, and so they continuously try to outdo each other any chance they can get. Fun for them, not that much fun for us. We are constantly flung into a world of make-believe, where fleeting moments toy with our hearts and mindlessly injure our brains. In the process, hearts are injured, too, and then you are left with double negatives that speak volumes of how it should have been from the very start.
It's clearly a shocker that the better part of my being, the self-preserving one, only decided to really take this seriously now, when I'm in over my head with possibilities and seemingly superficial happiness. But it's never too late, as they say. Someday, it will make sense why certain decisions will have to be made, no matter how delayed the commencement. I think it just works better that way, to assist my brain in trying to steal the monopoly away from my all-too-dominant heart.
Fatalistic tendencies need not be employed for now, because I believe that it wasn't really supposed to have ended as everyone thought it would, anyway. I simply go with how life allows me to flow. And because of certain things, I may never have faith in praises anymore. The line that separates that kind of truth will always and forever be blurred to me, and the only choice will be to stop the charade. In the end, I don't know if this will be something I'll be sad or happy about; but at least, for now, I can permit myself to stop believing in certain things.. And I hope my internal processes agree with me, too.
Funny that what I've been praying for for the longest time have turned into my own personal kryptonite. The Big Guy up there must really love me to have allowed me to believe in what (I thought) would bring me happiness for an extended period of time. Sigh. Even if I have always had a love-hate relationship with patience, I know, deep in my heart, that I am truly capable of it. Now, however, I think time is asking me to stop waiting and move on to better avenues where my patience will be better received. The bigger challenge, though, is how I could make my heart stop resisting this change.
I guess it's already tiring that all I talk about is my ever-so-conflicting heart and mind. But that's what drives me, really. I do not only function with one (even if sometimes, it seems as if I do), and I always make sure that I inject a piece of both in everything that I do. Love me or hate me, but that's how I was programmed. And there will only be a select few who will be able to figure out how my processes can be reconfigured. I most probably don't know them yet (I think, OR maybe I already do), but it would be super if they showed up sooner than soon. :)
I sincerely (and seriously) hope that this transition won't be exasperating to and for some of my dear friends. I hope they get to help me (even indirectly) endure this, too. Because no matter how much I deny it, I'm still just a girl who gets herself hurt by these things. And surely, that won't be a pretty sight. I will be stupid, I will be careless, I will be annoying, and even childish and inconsiderate but I pray that I still find a ray of light somewhere in my peeps.
In the greater scheme of things, I know that this will be good for me. Clichés aren't meant to be honored, anyway. Change is (almost) always good. And I think what comes along with it, acceptance, will be even better.
posted from Bloggeroid
Saturday, September 06, 2014
Okay? Okay.
One step forward, two steps back.
I never REALLY understood that until last night. Allow me to elucidate.
When there's anything someone prepares for—no matter how trivial it may seem to the rest of the world—if it does not, in any way, happen, expect hormones to come into play. Because investment plays a large role in preparation, and when people lose them, sacrifices are lost to oblivion. Adjustments have gone to waste. And, to say the least, hopes are shattered.
What constitutes as grand to some may not necessarily be the same to everyone else. Simple sacrifices are seemingly basic for those who have done "so much," but allowing small lapses to happen in the continuous effort to turn one's life around to someone itching to make a difference matters to the ends of the earth, too. I don't care what people say anymore—that I'm aging, I'm shallow, I'm too prissy, I'm irrational and an overthinker. So what if I am these things? Getting me out of my rut by ever-so-untimely aggravating my mood will not help the slightest bit. I don't care if this is the first celebration of the century, but any normal, respectful, and considerate human being would know when the farce should end.
If anything, I tried my hardest to swing back to normalcy as the day went on. But you can't blame me for the nagging feeling that continuously crept up my spine. So it would naturally take a while, because I take pride in deeming the smallest things (along with everything else monumental) important—and not everyone can understand that. I trudged to my dorm and tried getting comfortable, but to no avail. In the middle of staring blankly at the ceiling, my brain decided to shut my system down and recuperate.
I felt as though I had a couple hours of (mostly) dreamless sleep, and it sugared up the neurotransmitters that made my earlier mood turn sour. I got less annoyed, yes, but I tried looking at the brighter side of things so I could possibly accomplish more work in the night. And then I let out a biiiiig sigh.
That's right. I took a step back and assessed how it could've gone differently.
Of course I refuse to persecute myself for what I felt. They were feelings, after all, and every human is entitled to have at least some. However, I needed to learn from how I miscalculated my reactions so that I could face similar (future) moments with a clearer head. I rationalized every step and came up with an even longer justification (which, of course, I won't write or even I will fall asleep from this oration) and then, finally, it dawned unto me—we take steps back to appreciate what we have moving forward.
I always thought that line was irrational—how come two steps back are needed? Isn't one just enough? Won't you fall behind so much more if, in the case of wanting to move forward, for every step to growth, you retreated two leaps back?
Yet I always found myself thinking that. One step forward, two steps back. Maybe I never really understood it, but I knew I would fully appreciate it someday (aside from the fact that The Moffatts had that line in their song in the not-so-distant past, a.k.a. my childhood, so I would naturally have a connection to it. :p) Like I said, I probably just needed a bit of time to have it grow on me. And grow on me it did.
As the hours dragged by, I countered my worries with something better I could hold on to. That (1) Donation was just not possible because I was working on protecting myself from future harm. My vaccination apparently took 3 months from my last dose before I could help out and give back; (2) Some people just don't get me, still. And that's okay, because some people do; (3) Social graces are innate—you either have it or you don't. And though some of the people I call my friends don't have it, there's a rather competitive percentage of them who do. Therefore, all is well in the world; (4) There will always be someone who will pop up and not give up on you in the worst of your moods. Thank you, you made me laugh, and; (5) It's only a bad day, not a bad life.
My steps back made my heart a little lighter, and I could not be more thankful that it did. Because through that, I found out that these aren't setbacks, but springboards for even more advanced growth. We are tested so that we may be humble enough to step back—two times at that. Because when you're in over your head, you forge on without thinking, and your fear is lost. And you become careless and forget the many things you used to have faith in.
This may seem like too much for a tiny incident, but what can I say? I overthink. And I see that as a strength—because this way, I won't take anything for granted. I will learn from the smallest of things, and pray that I may someday reap blessings even more than what I had hoped for. I'm glad this gave me a rather debilitating night, because it gave me time to ponder on what the good (and bad) things were for. And I couldn't be more thankful that it did.
This could be an experience that some people may learn from (even if I had thoughts mostly about myself, or about anything within the lines of the multitude of things I said). If it helped you understand how I think a little better, then it partly did its job. If it didn't, however, then this is just another blog you chanced upon. Well, I hope you at least had a good laugh. ;)
I never REALLY understood that until last night. Allow me to elucidate.
When there's anything someone prepares for—no matter how trivial it may seem to the rest of the world—if it does not, in any way, happen, expect hormones to come into play. Because investment plays a large role in preparation, and when people lose them, sacrifices are lost to oblivion. Adjustments have gone to waste. And, to say the least, hopes are shattered.
What constitutes as grand to some may not necessarily be the same to everyone else. Simple sacrifices are seemingly basic for those who have done "so much," but allowing small lapses to happen in the continuous effort to turn one's life around to someone itching to make a difference matters to the ends of the earth, too. I don't care what people say anymore—that I'm aging, I'm shallow, I'm too prissy, I'm irrational and an overthinker. So what if I am these things? Getting me out of my rut by ever-so-untimely aggravating my mood will not help the slightest bit. I don't care if this is the first celebration of the century, but any normal, respectful, and considerate human being would know when the farce should end.
If anything, I tried my hardest to swing back to normalcy as the day went on. But you can't blame me for the nagging feeling that continuously crept up my spine. So it would naturally take a while, because I take pride in deeming the smallest things (along with everything else monumental) important—and not everyone can understand that. I trudged to my dorm and tried getting comfortable, but to no avail. In the middle of staring blankly at the ceiling, my brain decided to shut my system down and recuperate.
I felt as though I had a couple hours of (mostly) dreamless sleep, and it sugared up the neurotransmitters that made my earlier mood turn sour. I got less annoyed, yes, but I tried looking at the brighter side of things so I could possibly accomplish more work in the night. And then I let out a biiiiig sigh.
That's right. I took a step back and assessed how it could've gone differently.
Of course I refuse to persecute myself for what I felt. They were feelings, after all, and every human is entitled to have at least some. However, I needed to learn from how I miscalculated my reactions so that I could face similar (future) moments with a clearer head. I rationalized every step and came up with an even longer justification (which, of course, I won't write or even I will fall asleep from this oration) and then, finally, it dawned unto me—we take steps back to appreciate what we have moving forward.
I always thought that line was irrational—how come two steps back are needed? Isn't one just enough? Won't you fall behind so much more if, in the case of wanting to move forward, for every step to growth, you retreated two leaps back?
Yet I always found myself thinking that. One step forward, two steps back. Maybe I never really understood it, but I knew I would fully appreciate it someday (aside from the fact that The Moffatts had that line in their song in the not-so-distant past, a.k.a. my childhood, so I would naturally have a connection to it. :p) Like I said, I probably just needed a bit of time to have it grow on me. And grow on me it did.
As the hours dragged by, I countered my worries with something better I could hold on to. That (1) Donation was just not possible because I was working on protecting myself from future harm. My vaccination apparently took 3 months from my last dose before I could help out and give back; (2) Some people just don't get me, still. And that's okay, because some people do; (3) Social graces are innate—you either have it or you don't. And though some of the people I call my friends don't have it, there's a rather competitive percentage of them who do. Therefore, all is well in the world; (4) There will always be someone who will pop up and not give up on you in the worst of your moods. Thank you, you made me laugh, and; (5) It's only a bad day, not a bad life.
My steps back made my heart a little lighter, and I could not be more thankful that it did. Because through that, I found out that these aren't setbacks, but springboards for even more advanced growth. We are tested so that we may be humble enough to step back—two times at that. Because when you're in over your head, you forge on without thinking, and your fear is lost. And you become careless and forget the many things you used to have faith in.
This may seem like too much for a tiny incident, but what can I say? I overthink. And I see that as a strength—because this way, I won't take anything for granted. I will learn from the smallest of things, and pray that I may someday reap blessings even more than what I had hoped for. I'm glad this gave me a rather debilitating night, because it gave me time to ponder on what the good (and bad) things were for. And I couldn't be more thankful that it did.
This could be an experience that some people may learn from (even if I had thoughts mostly about myself, or about anything within the lines of the multitude of things I said). If it helped you understand how I think a little better, then it partly did its job. If it didn't, however, then this is just another blog you chanced upon. Well, I hope you at least had a good laugh. ;)
Tuesday, September 02, 2014
Running Away With Me
I believe that we live in a world of misfits. I think we all try to exist in our own unique worlds, trying our hardest to appear as though we try to fit in.
The truth is, though, nobody wants to admit that we don't care at all whether our immediate world likes us or not. Call it arrogance or whatever else you may think it is—but any of the real people will own up to thinking the way they do because they long to bask in the warm embrace that their own beautiful worlds willingly give them. For in this all-too-familiar reality our earthly beings have drawn us into, we work towards assimilating entities that slowly build a part of ourselves—so that we grow into the people we aspire to be.
Monday, September 01, 2014
Just My Imagination
30 August 2014, 4:42 pm.
I learned something new today. And it's not at all medical.
It partly is, I think... Then again, I know it totally isn't.
But I did—I learned something I'm trying my hardest to put aside and not believe.
When you think about it, sporadic awareness of pieces of information should at least make life easier. However, in many different situations, that just isn't the case.
I heave sigh upon sigh—of, I don't know: relief? Exasperation? Surrender?—as I listened to each word that would have meant the world to me at an earlier time, but that I've been trying to desensitize myself from in the very clouded present. I knew, deep in the portals of my heart, that some of those words still ring true to this very day. However, it was that same poor, disheveled entity that chose to fight all possibilities, in the fear of succumbing to a pain much worse than anything I've been acknowledging for the past eons of what seemed like forever.
01 September 2014, 10:34 pm.
I would like to believe that I have taught myself to finally choose my battles—but for some strange, demented reason, I find myself fighting the same one time and time again. I wait for a miracle to happen in the deepest forests of oblivion, where virtually no soul can reach my wandering heart.
Funny, though, that my efforts at self-preservation lead me to this same path. That no matter how much I rant and I rant, against all odds, I still fall back into the arms of my yellow brick road. Yes, I often ask myself why I allow such a cycle to happen. But then my brain retorts something so sharp that my entirety believes in it, too. And then for a fleeting moment, in just a split second of reality, I find an all-too-real comfort in knowing that I have been freed from the black hole of my routine. But when all has been said and done, when the masks come off, the heart simply wants what it wants.
I learned something new today. And it's not at all medical.
It partly is, I think... Then again, I know it totally isn't.
But I did—I learned something I'm trying my hardest to put aside and not believe.
When you think about it, sporadic awareness of pieces of information should at least make life easier. However, in many different situations, that just isn't the case.
I heave sigh upon sigh—of, I don't know: relief? Exasperation? Surrender?—as I listened to each word that would have meant the world to me at an earlier time, but that I've been trying to desensitize myself from in the very clouded present. I knew, deep in the portals of my heart, that some of those words still ring true to this very day. However, it was that same poor, disheveled entity that chose to fight all possibilities, in the fear of succumbing to a pain much worse than anything I've been acknowledging for the past eons of what seemed like forever.
01 September 2014, 10:34 pm.
I would like to believe that I have taught myself to finally choose my battles—but for some strange, demented reason, I find myself fighting the same one time and time again. I wait for a miracle to happen in the deepest forests of oblivion, where virtually no soul can reach my wandering heart.
Funny, though, that my efforts at self-preservation lead me to this same path. That no matter how much I rant and I rant, against all odds, I still fall back into the arms of my yellow brick road. Yes, I often ask myself why I allow such a cycle to happen. But then my brain retorts something so sharp that my entirety believes in it, too. And then for a fleeting moment, in just a split second of reality, I find an all-too-real comfort in knowing that I have been freed from the black hole of my routine. But when all has been said and done, when the masks come off, the heart simply wants what it wants.
posted from Bloggeroid
Friday, August 29, 2014
Confucius Says
Absolutely nothing. Because Confucius knows I confucius myself. All the time.
Because Confucius is when I detach and say I don't mind.
And that Confucius is when I see new logs and check for (specific) traffic.
Confucius is when I am relieved that (specific) traffic is nonexistent.
But Confucius is when I rethink whether or not (specific) traffic actually happens.
Confucius is when I try to chill but end up more agitated;
Because Confucius is when I block but still absorb.
Confucius is when I allow (specific) traffic to upgrade its status;
And Confucius is when (specific) traffic gets confucius, too.
Confucius is wondering when my life will begin;
Just as Confucius knows just how to make me see how colors fade away.
Although Confucius is when too many other things happen on the side,
I still know Confucius thrives in a world that, in the middle of everything else confucius...
I just refuse to let the madness slip away.
Friday, August 15, 2014
Reticent Soul I
I’ve been keeping tab at my
hormones for the past few days, and right before my study night commences, I receive
news of such witless acts. An entire dictionary cannot even begin to express how
utterly furious I am, but I again concede that I must fall into the trap of the
spineless and agonizingly allow nature to take its course. For posterity.
Haven’t you ever felt vehement
fury against a truly unworthy creature but still end up choosing the high road?
I have, for years. And I just allowed that monstrosity to happen. Again. I’m starting
to think that the vicious cycle will forever haunt me; that I will never be genuinely
worthy of peace, and I start to think, what if I let my ideals go this time? What
if, for once, I allow myself to feel?
I have never really answered
those, in fear of the ultimate source of evil taking over me. My faith is
intact, after all. I know that it would be unforgivable to cave, to let all the
madness in, to lash out, to do many evil things to that one person I loathe the
most. But I want to. With my entirety. I
HONESTLY DO. Which is why, in the midst of the merciless rampages at my
heart, I finally succumb to my tears.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Breeding Ground
In a very non-medical way, one could say that the brain is the craziest breeding ground of everything potentially destructive to human life. In the omnipotent struggle of expectation vs. reality, we are all slaves to the thing we think could/would/should happen.
The basic variety of what aggravates the perils of heartache (and heartbreak) is disappointment. By expecting something to happen, you render yourself susceptible to the risk that comes after--waiting for forever before the thing you desire materializes. And when it doesn't, all you can do is mindlessly wallow in the neverending quicksand that is grief; that, in the event that an immeasurable amount of it sets in, you know you're sold to the genius that is Elisabeth Kübler-Ross.
The other side of the spectrum gives you a slightly less invasive kind of grief, because you'll never know you have it unless you choose to let down your guard and face it head on. It is the easy way out to a mind-boggling life, where lives are led by brains and not hearts. In it exists a world of strength and nonchalance, where doubt and fear are unwelcome. One might think this is the best way to lead a comfortable life, but we must always be wary of the ever-so-impending tugs at the heart in the MOST unexpected of moments.
As with all things in life, all we can do is stick with our choice and hope for the best. No matter how much we try, though, our moments of weakness will pull us towards the deep end of what we initially thought we wanted. Call it a lapse of judgment or anything else worse, but human nature allows a certain grace period for poor unfortunate souls, rendering it imperative that we not question nature's decree.
But fate never lets us lose hope in what we clamor for the most. We are showered with little smidgens of hope and we still emerge happy from the current abyss our souls have plunged into. However sad, we eventually feel that we aren't alone in the battle we now have, and our faith in humanity will soon be restored.
At the end of the day, I guess, what will matter is how much we've tried to make things right and how hard we've tried to live within our means. Despite and in spite of anything that's out of the ordinary, the best we can do is suck it up and go on. So that, no matter how bad our choices have turned out to be in the long run, we still end up with something better than what we expected.😉
The basic variety of what aggravates the perils of heartache (and heartbreak) is disappointment. By expecting something to happen, you render yourself susceptible to the risk that comes after--waiting for forever before the thing you desire materializes. And when it doesn't, all you can do is mindlessly wallow in the neverending quicksand that is grief; that, in the event that an immeasurable amount of it sets in, you know you're sold to the genius that is Elisabeth Kübler-Ross.
The other side of the spectrum gives you a slightly less invasive kind of grief, because you'll never know you have it unless you choose to let down your guard and face it head on. It is the easy way out to a mind-boggling life, where lives are led by brains and not hearts. In it exists a world of strength and nonchalance, where doubt and fear are unwelcome. One might think this is the best way to lead a comfortable life, but we must always be wary of the ever-so-impending tugs at the heart in the MOST unexpected of moments.
As with all things in life, all we can do is stick with our choice and hope for the best. No matter how much we try, though, our moments of weakness will pull us towards the deep end of what we initially thought we wanted. Call it a lapse of judgment or anything else worse, but human nature allows a certain grace period for poor unfortunate souls, rendering it imperative that we not question nature's decree.
But fate never lets us lose hope in what we clamor for the most. We are showered with little smidgens of hope and we still emerge happy from the current abyss our souls have plunged into. However sad, we eventually feel that we aren't alone in the battle we now have, and our faith in humanity will soon be restored.
At the end of the day, I guess, what will matter is how much we've tried to make things right and how hard we've tried to live within our means. Despite and in spite of anything that's out of the ordinary, the best we can do is suck it up and go on. So that, no matter how bad our choices have turned out to be in the long run, we still end up with something better than what we expected.😉
posted from Bloggeroid
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Unforgiving
It's frustrating how unforgiving tiredness could be. Though I tried so hard to accomplish as much as I could until the wee hours of the morning, I still end up missing the first class I've been stressing so much about. :(
Oh well, I guess. There's always room for improvement and more time to allot for real sleep. Sigh.
Oh well, I guess. There's always room for improvement and more time to allot for real sleep. Sigh.
posted from Bloggeroid
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Factory Settings
It's a very Craig David kind of morning as everything reverts back to normal. I'm wanted at home again, just like nothing stressful even happened, and some things have just thinned out with no signs of distress or other compensatory changes.
This makes the journey even more erratic, as it would be an assurance that I may never get to detect any amount of change in advance. So much for trying to be on top of things then.
Oh well. It's inevitable that I face being an only child in a few hours. And that I face everything else that comes with this crazy life as the days go by. Sigh.
This makes the journey even more erratic, as it would be an assurance that I may never get to detect any amount of change in advance. So much for trying to be on top of things then.
Oh well. It's inevitable that I face being an only child in a few hours. And that I face everything else that comes with this crazy life as the days go by. Sigh.
posted from Bloggeroid
Game On
In matters of fixing broken things, a lot of solutions come to mind. Fixing broken body parts, however, changes the game entirely.
Besides the fact that most transplants entail getting on a list and waiting for forever before your (real) hopes of getting treated materializes, it serves as the ultimate test of strength to the one who needs it most. These patients spend months (and even years) holding on to something they have no idea whether or not they can outlive.
I guess, in the same way, this is how heartbreak works. Unfortunately, though, this could be something that may never be solved. No matter how much you heal after all that pain, you end up with the same dilapidated organ. And that will never be good as new. One can only fill in the gaps that the previous co-owner has left for you to nurse yourself back to health.
Looking at the bright side, you'd think that life would be easy without it. What's sad, though, is that no man can escape its wrath. Everyday is a chance for the world to break you, and the risk increases as you go about life without a speck of it. Not undergoing physical transplant isn't an assurance, however, that you get to be exempted from the test of strength that transition brings. Whatever the reason, you'll know that holding on to your sanity in emotional transplants will be an even more daunting task than the pain of enduring the recovery period after a physical transplant.
Nevertheless, it's probably human nature that we choose to do the things we know will hurt us, only because we think it'll be worthwhile anyway (like med school, for example. Haha). And then we blindly accept everything else that comes with it. But sometimes, in the most fleeting of moments, you start to think: how much really is too much?
I may never know the answer to that question. I guess it depends on how much more you can take. And when it gets too hard to continue holding on, albeit with a heavy heart, you let go.
Besides the fact that most transplants entail getting on a list and waiting for forever before your (real) hopes of getting treated materializes, it serves as the ultimate test of strength to the one who needs it most. These patients spend months (and even years) holding on to something they have no idea whether or not they can outlive.
I guess, in the same way, this is how heartbreak works. Unfortunately, though, this could be something that may never be solved. No matter how much you heal after all that pain, you end up with the same dilapidated organ. And that will never be good as new. One can only fill in the gaps that the previous co-owner has left for you to nurse yourself back to health.
Looking at the bright side, you'd think that life would be easy without it. What's sad, though, is that no man can escape its wrath. Everyday is a chance for the world to break you, and the risk increases as you go about life without a speck of it. Not undergoing physical transplant isn't an assurance, however, that you get to be exempted from the test of strength that transition brings. Whatever the reason, you'll know that holding on to your sanity in emotional transplants will be an even more daunting task than the pain of enduring the recovery period after a physical transplant.
Nevertheless, it's probably human nature that we choose to do the things we know will hurt us, only because we think it'll be worthwhile anyway (like med school, for example. Haha). And then we blindly accept everything else that comes with it. But sometimes, in the most fleeting of moments, you start to think: how much really is too much?
I may never know the answer to that question. I guess it depends on how much more you can take. And when it gets too hard to continue holding on, albeit with a heavy heart, you let go.
posted from Bloggeroid
Friday, July 25, 2014
Overdrive
Today I got a nagging feeling that this school year will test me so bad it'll be hell on earth.
My unparalleled excitement for this extremely-coveted progression has seemingly been gnawing at my cloak of comfort, reminding me that things may not be all too well so soon. Despite my efforts to choose to believe that this is just a phase, this morning proved to be a test of character already. I had to juggle lifestyles yet again and frown at the inconvenience of it all.
The rules are simple. Very specific, but not at all unique.
And then when something you may not like gets flung at you, the only way good things may come out of it is if you face it head on. But what if all you want to do is let it go? Sometimes, it's not too good to know how to fix things, too. You end up fibrotic and you'll never be the same again. And then your brain gets so tired and full of unrelenting clutter when all you want is a little peace.
I might just be some kind of a great pretender. Then again, maybe it's just one of those days.
My unparalleled excitement for this extremely-coveted progression has seemingly been gnawing at my cloak of comfort, reminding me that things may not be all too well so soon. Despite my efforts to choose to believe that this is just a phase, this morning proved to be a test of character already. I had to juggle lifestyles yet again and frown at the inconvenience of it all.
The rules are simple. Very specific, but not at all unique.
And then when something you may not like gets flung at you, the only way good things may come out of it is if you face it head on. But what if all you want to do is let it go? Sometimes, it's not too good to know how to fix things, too. You end up fibrotic and you'll never be the same again. And then your brain gets so tired and full of unrelenting clutter when all you want is a little peace.
I might just be some kind of a great pretender. Then again, maybe it's just one of those days.
posted from Bloggeroid
Sunday, March 30, 2014
#heartstrong
There are so many things I’m thankful for today. Mostly, though, it’s for the semi-culmination of an awesome but highly traumatic school year. I experienced such highs and unthinkable hells, and because of these, I almost lost hope.
I honestly never thought I would see the day I’d lose all the fight left in my heart. It was indescribable and unreal, and there seemingly was no way out. It choked me in so many ways that even tears didn’t get the chance to flow; my brain didn’t even sense my need to rake all the madness in. The better part of my brain willed my heart to pull it together; and I did, for a little while. But when there’s too much I keep inside, it soon takes a toll on something else, and it left me drained and a million times more unhappy.
As I saw the rest of my friends disheartened and paralyzed, I realized I didn’t just let myself down—I let them down, too. I disappointed the people who usually clung to me for strength. I know I’m at least entitled to feel a little emotion, but the complete loss of it just made my then-crumbled world disintegrate even more. I appreciate to the ends of the earth those who knew me well enough to just offer a shoulder and a silently understanding heart, which somehow eased the increasingly heartbreaking moment’s tugs at my sanity.
I guess it’s in your weakest moments when you find fate working to your advantage. It builds a window where there once was none, and somehow, somewhere, a beam of light will shine through. It’s not the most perfect of circumstances, but it makes the most sense. And then you don’t feel so alone anymore. Some people still and will be with you as you go along your journey. And again, I’m thankful these people are on my side. I woke up the next day and slowly picked up the pieces as I nursed every inch of brokenness and tried to put myself back together. The fight wasn’t over, after all.
What began as a ray of hope radiated into a mantle of faith. Blind as it may have been, it emanated an aura of the turnaround my soul direly needed. I realized that my demise deserved redemption, and that losing faith in me didn’t have to involve the rest of the world. My tormented heart slowly healed and I focused on what could be done. Those with a fighting chance deserve encouragement, no matter how hopeless the odds may seem.
I say these past few weeks have indeed tested me in ways I could never have imagined, but it taught me to keep my faith rock solid as well. I know the resolution is far from realized, but there will always—ALWAYS—be a fighting chance. And that’s a chance I’ll forever be willing to take.
I cannot teach everyone to be strong, but I’m sincerely thankful to the Big Guy up there that I was once again taught to be exactly that. I don’t know what else will be in store for me in the next couple of weeks, but all I can do is pray that the odds work to my advantage. I know that next year will again be insanely different, and my scarred heart will be ready and waiting for that change. I hope that all those who have helped me realize these things will find peace in the chaos their hearts are now in, and slowly realize that life after a monumental heartbreak is possible.
Now, I said I experienced such highs and unthinkable hells this school year. And because of these things, I REFUSE to lose hope. I shall keep charging on until the very end. Fight lang nang fight.
I honestly never thought I would see the day I’d lose all the fight left in my heart. It was indescribable and unreal, and there seemingly was no way out. It choked me in so many ways that even tears didn’t get the chance to flow; my brain didn’t even sense my need to rake all the madness in. The better part of my brain willed my heart to pull it together; and I did, for a little while. But when there’s too much I keep inside, it soon takes a toll on something else, and it left me drained and a million times more unhappy.
As I saw the rest of my friends disheartened and paralyzed, I realized I didn’t just let myself down—I let them down, too. I disappointed the people who usually clung to me for strength. I know I’m at least entitled to feel a little emotion, but the complete loss of it just made my then-crumbled world disintegrate even more. I appreciate to the ends of the earth those who knew me well enough to just offer a shoulder and a silently understanding heart, which somehow eased the increasingly heartbreaking moment’s tugs at my sanity.
I guess it’s in your weakest moments when you find fate working to your advantage. It builds a window where there once was none, and somehow, somewhere, a beam of light will shine through. It’s not the most perfect of circumstances, but it makes the most sense. And then you don’t feel so alone anymore. Some people still and will be with you as you go along your journey. And again, I’m thankful these people are on my side. I woke up the next day and slowly picked up the pieces as I nursed every inch of brokenness and tried to put myself back together. The fight wasn’t over, after all.
What began as a ray of hope radiated into a mantle of faith. Blind as it may have been, it emanated an aura of the turnaround my soul direly needed. I realized that my demise deserved redemption, and that losing faith in me didn’t have to involve the rest of the world. My tormented heart slowly healed and I focused on what could be done. Those with a fighting chance deserve encouragement, no matter how hopeless the odds may seem.
I say these past few weeks have indeed tested me in ways I could never have imagined, but it taught me to keep my faith rock solid as well. I know the resolution is far from realized, but there will always—ALWAYS—be a fighting chance. And that’s a chance I’ll forever be willing to take.
I cannot teach everyone to be strong, but I’m sincerely thankful to the Big Guy up there that I was once again taught to be exactly that. I don’t know what else will be in store for me in the next couple of weeks, but all I can do is pray that the odds work to my advantage. I know that next year will again be insanely different, and my scarred heart will be ready and waiting for that change. I hope that all those who have helped me realize these things will find peace in the chaos their hearts are now in, and slowly realize that life after a monumental heartbreak is possible.
Now, I said I experienced such highs and unthinkable hells this school year. And because of these things, I REFUSE to lose hope. I shall keep charging on until the very end. Fight lang nang fight.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Losing grip
I have never lost so much fight in my life as I have this afternoon. And the hardest part is trying so damn hard to be strong when your heart has already given up.
Friday, March 21, 2014
User-friendly
It still baffles me that people who don't get anything out of me anymore all of a sudden think I'm such a bad person, that I leave people behind and that I'm completely heartless. I may appear to be all strong and independent, but it hurts me that I'm constantly judged by people like you, too, you know.
I refuse to explain to you how my decisions were made, because (1) you don't deserve my explanation, and (2) you won't understand anyway. SO I'd rather save my precious brain cells than think of an easier way to explain things to you. I'm sorry if I seem harsh (although I don't think you're getting the real point of this anyway, so meh.), but like what I've been telling you before, when someone gets tired, they just get tired. I originally assumed you understood that, given that you're older than me and supposedly blessed with more wisdom and care in the world, but, alas, I was wrong. Snaps for me for giving the benefit of the doubt, but, more importantly, snaps for my heart for being on the honor roll of getting hurt & disappointed once again.
I believe I have been a real friend to you. And the rest of our friends have been the same. But since all we got out of you was sheer irresponsibility and utter neglect for anything that's equally important for all of us, then I (well, any of us) don't think you still deserve the friendship we can offer. When the only times we hear from you are when you need something, I sure as hell know that's not at all okay. The rest of the time you're visible, you're either impatient or lying, and you try to earn our trust by being unnecessarily nice (cos I know it's fake) or by treating us to appease our worried minds. I'm sorry, but your tactics won't work on me anymore. I would gladly pay you back for the money you've spent being friends with us, plus a little extra if you want. I may not be as affluent as you, but I have class and good principles that you may never be able to afford to have. I am never going to be bought by the cheapness that you think will get you through life. Money may make the world go 'round in some strange, demented way, but your money will never be of use to me and my ideals. I say reevaluate your life and start the change that's so long overdue. I would say GROW UP, but I don't think even that will work.
Now, allow me to tell you a little something about self-preservation: Once people grow tired of giving individuals like you everything and anything, they start to believe they deserve to keep their sanity more and start focusing on themselves. I hope, someday (I really do), you progress into the man you're supposed to be, and I pray that you find the motivation to actually be a good person to others without lying or buying them out. As for your friendship, I think I'm good with my real friends already, thank you very much.
I refuse to explain to you how my decisions were made, because (1) you don't deserve my explanation, and (2) you won't understand anyway. SO I'd rather save my precious brain cells than think of an easier way to explain things to you. I'm sorry if I seem harsh (although I don't think you're getting the real point of this anyway, so meh.), but like what I've been telling you before, when someone gets tired, they just get tired. I originally assumed you understood that, given that you're older than me and supposedly blessed with more wisdom and care in the world, but, alas, I was wrong. Snaps for me for giving the benefit of the doubt, but, more importantly, snaps for my heart for being on the honor roll of getting hurt & disappointed once again.
I believe I have been a real friend to you. And the rest of our friends have been the same. But since all we got out of you was sheer irresponsibility and utter neglect for anything that's equally important for all of us, then I (well, any of us) don't think you still deserve the friendship we can offer. When the only times we hear from you are when you need something, I sure as hell know that's not at all okay. The rest of the time you're visible, you're either impatient or lying, and you try to earn our trust by being unnecessarily nice (cos I know it's fake) or by treating us to appease our worried minds. I'm sorry, but your tactics won't work on me anymore. I would gladly pay you back for the money you've spent being friends with us, plus a little extra if you want. I may not be as affluent as you, but I have class and good principles that you may never be able to afford to have. I am never going to be bought by the cheapness that you think will get you through life. Money may make the world go 'round in some strange, demented way, but your money will never be of use to me and my ideals. I say reevaluate your life and start the change that's so long overdue. I would say GROW UP, but I don't think even that will work.
Now, allow me to tell you a little something about self-preservation: Once people grow tired of giving individuals like you everything and anything, they start to believe they deserve to keep their sanity more and start focusing on themselves. I hope, someday (I really do), you progress into the man you're supposed to be, and I pray that you find the motivation to actually be a good person to others without lying or buying them out. As for your friendship, I think I'm good with my real friends already, thank you very much.
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