wow. after 10 days pala, ha. cool.Ü
ouch.
wala lang.Ü hahaÜ
i had a super fun day today.Ü the 'girl group' has officially increased its number, and 2 new friends have come to life.Ü now, it's the pretty ones against the rest of the judgmental world. hah! :p
i learned [more!Ü] how to play billiards today.Ü cool teachers.Ü hahaÜ
okay, whatever. on to the serious stuff.
it's funny how much your perception of a person can change with just a few hours of bonding time with that particular human being.Ü this girl was actually so irritated at me when we first met, because she thought i was being a bitch to her. after a few days, though, we became extremely close after a couple of hours of chatting like crazy because we were stuck inside a friend's car together with no one else around.Ü it turns out, we had SO much to talk about, and SO much to be happy being friends about.Ü oh yes, we were both surprised that our personalities actually clicked, and that we would actually become really comfortable with each other.Ü mental, huh?Ü
the same case is true with the rest of the girly gang.Ü heehee...Ü at first, one of us was exaggely [if there is such a word] uncomfortable with me because she thought i hated her for accompanying one of my friends. which is why when i took a seat across her[she thought i would be bitchy to her because i'm allegedly 'irritated' at her], she kept on texting... and texting... AND TEXTING... and didn't talk to me unless i asked a question or whatever. after Lord knows how long, and the others started arriving, she suddenly admitted that she felt wildly uncomfortable speaking to me because she thinks i hate her guts. what the--? oh well. then, okay. true confessions followed, with all of us admitting that we were scared, uncomfortable, intimidated, irritated, et cetera, of each one of us initially. haha!Ü and now, we're all almost inseperable!Ü
funny!Ü
oh well. hmm... makes me think that maybe, this 'transition' is going to be more of an advantage for me, because i gained new friends, and i've TRULY seen the 'sides' of other people. good for me, huh?Ü at least i don't regret anything.Ü what matters is that i'm fine, and that i'll live.Ü
suddenly, i realize that i love my life so much after all.Ü
"...there's a rainbow always after the rain..."
Wednesday, July 28, 2004
Sunday, July 18, 2004
DAY ONE: Sunday, 18 July 2004
curse this stupid format!!! the entire post i was previously typing got erased in ONE pressing of the blasted backspace button!!!
crap. now, no recap for you. grr.
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
:'c ..tears.. :'c
i can't understand myself. am i happy or am i sad? i don't really know.
crap. now i'm confused.
'one day more' has again, ceased to exist. oh well. there's still tomorrow. seriously, if this isn't dealt with tomorrow, i am gonna freak. i have to know what's next. i have to know what i'm--we're--supposed to do after all the crap we got ourselves in. it wouldn't hurt to clear some things, right?
so, tomorrow should be THE day.
i still can't understand myself. i should be bawling over some sad ending right now, thinking that my life has again turned into a living hell, but i'm not. i'm starting to think that i'm okay now, but really, i'm not... i guess it's really hard to get over these things, but sometimes, you just learn to momentarily forget about the crap you've recently been through just to get through a day. this coping tactic thing is weird. oh well. to each his own.
to be continued.
crap. now i'm confused.
'one day more' has again, ceased to exist. oh well. there's still tomorrow. seriously, if this isn't dealt with tomorrow, i am gonna freak. i have to know what's next. i have to know what i'm--we're--supposed to do after all the crap we got ourselves in. it wouldn't hurt to clear some things, right?
so, tomorrow should be THE day.
i still can't understand myself. i should be bawling over some sad ending right now, thinking that my life has again turned into a living hell, but i'm not. i'm starting to think that i'm okay now, but really, i'm not... i guess it's really hard to get over these things, but sometimes, you just learn to momentarily forget about the crap you've recently been through just to get through a day. this coping tactic thing is weird. oh well. to each his own.
to be continued.
Sunday, July 11, 2004
visions of a sunset...
kaya pala i so had the urge to write something under this title before pa...
nga naman... oh well. i guess the present situation passes for an upcoming sunset, eh? well, actually... the sun has already set. the sunrise, though, will not be seen for a little while. oh well. this is a start.
i always thought the idea of 'loving from afar' is nuts. i mean, yes, i know that's sad, but still... i just can't understand why people can't get over themselves and just tell the person they love how they feel.
well, now i do.
it's not because we love to get hurt, but because it's the best thing for the rest of the world. you may end up in tears every night for the rest of your life, but that saves you from the hell you'll be in when you go on with what you think is right.
i used to think that i could throw something i've invested on for a while that easily. you know--- without any emotional attachments, bad feelings, or whatever. but i was wrong. it turns out, i'm not as heartless as i once thought i was.
so much for being an actress.
i guess [and i'll never stop guessing]... there's just a point in your life when you realize so much. so much, to the extent of practically being ready to lose everything you have because of feeling useless. yes, it's unfair. i should be the one angry here, but i chose not to be. is this stupidity? martyrdom? or, as i've said before, shitheadedness? i don't know. what matters is that I CARE. enough to see the loss through something.
i don't want to feel regretful about this whole deal, because that would only mean i never wanted this to happen in the beginning. i mean, yes, i knew the inevitability of 'certain' things, but... i guess i'm just shocked that it had to happen so fast. oh well. i read somewhere that a guy's concept of speed is so unpredictable. unpredictable and unstable, as a matter of fact.
this morning, i ate out with my family after church. we went to this new japanese place in greenhills[which was, of course, another SCREAMING reminder of :him:], and i saw a friend from high school. so, yea, small talk. but at least we got to kind of catch up on stuff na din. so, anyways, when we got in and were comfortable, guess what song played?
i love you, goodbye.
not celine dion's version, though. but still. and my brothers wanted to get dessert, so we went to red ribbon, which was only a few streets away. yes, kuya jonel and i rode with kuya alkei to red riboon, and, again, SCREAMING REMINDERS OF :HIM: WERE ALL OVER THE PLACE. the leather seats, the music[TIPSY and a few other 'songs' played repeatedly, by the way. gee, thanks, kuya.], the smell[my goodness, the EXACT SAME ambi pur car freshener plus the slight cig smell.], hah! basically, EVERYTHING was screaming :him:. duh. this is kuya alkei we're talking about. oh well.
when we got home, i finally returned the call. yes, small talk. trying to sound casual though clearly jahe about the whole thing. now i'm thinking if 'things' really matter to this person. maybe, maybe not.
okay, so here's the deal: THE talk, at some coffee place near our own domains. i'm not complaining, just freaked that i'll be nervous as hell tomorrow considering the situation. public place... okay... keep yourself together, jaimie... cool it...
oh well. time to face the music.
naturally, :he: wanted to see me. :he: was even slightly frustrated when i said, 'if you don't want to meet, and you think everything's okay, then it's okay if we don't talk.'
here i go with my drama again.
but still... me wanting to straighten things out didn't mean :he: should agree with my terms, right? i'm not forcing anyone to talk to me.
although... ah, never mind.
when asked if i wanted to see :him:, i blabbed my answer which simply meant, "it's okay if i do." ah, shit. on the phone and i'm fumbling with what to say? hah. tomorrow should be interesting.
i'm still freaked. nerve-wracked. oh well. i guess, you just gotta do what you gotta do.
all my entries about this thing is filled with 'i guesses', huh? goes to show how unsure i am about the whole deal.
no 'i told you sos' from the world, please. i'm freaked enough, thank you very much.
tomorrow. 12 july 2004. 12 again. the same judgment day, only a month apart.
ONE DAY MORE.
nga naman... oh well. i guess the present situation passes for an upcoming sunset, eh? well, actually... the sun has already set. the sunrise, though, will not be seen for a little while. oh well. this is a start.
i always thought the idea of 'loving from afar' is nuts. i mean, yes, i know that's sad, but still... i just can't understand why people can't get over themselves and just tell the person they love how they feel.
well, now i do.
it's not because we love to get hurt, but because it's the best thing for the rest of the world. you may end up in tears every night for the rest of your life, but that saves you from the hell you'll be in when you go on with what you think is right.
i used to think that i could throw something i've invested on for a while that easily. you know--- without any emotional attachments, bad feelings, or whatever. but i was wrong. it turns out, i'm not as heartless as i once thought i was.
so much for being an actress.
i guess [and i'll never stop guessing]... there's just a point in your life when you realize so much. so much, to the extent of practically being ready to lose everything you have because of feeling useless. yes, it's unfair. i should be the one angry here, but i chose not to be. is this stupidity? martyrdom? or, as i've said before, shitheadedness? i don't know. what matters is that I CARE. enough to see the loss through something.
i don't want to feel regretful about this whole deal, because that would only mean i never wanted this to happen in the beginning. i mean, yes, i knew the inevitability of 'certain' things, but... i guess i'm just shocked that it had to happen so fast. oh well. i read somewhere that a guy's concept of speed is so unpredictable. unpredictable and unstable, as a matter of fact.
this morning, i ate out with my family after church. we went to this new japanese place in greenhills[which was, of course, another SCREAMING reminder of :him:], and i saw a friend from high school. so, yea, small talk. but at least we got to kind of catch up on stuff na din. so, anyways, when we got in and were comfortable, guess what song played?
i love you, goodbye.
not celine dion's version, though. but still. and my brothers wanted to get dessert, so we went to red ribbon, which was only a few streets away. yes, kuya jonel and i rode with kuya alkei to red riboon, and, again, SCREAMING REMINDERS OF :HIM: WERE ALL OVER THE PLACE. the leather seats, the music[TIPSY and a few other 'songs' played repeatedly, by the way. gee, thanks, kuya.], the smell[my goodness, the EXACT SAME ambi pur car freshener plus the slight cig smell.], hah! basically, EVERYTHING was screaming :him:. duh. this is kuya alkei we're talking about. oh well.
when we got home, i finally returned the call. yes, small talk. trying to sound casual though clearly jahe about the whole thing. now i'm thinking if 'things' really matter to this person. maybe, maybe not.
okay, so here's the deal: THE talk, at some coffee place near our own domains. i'm not complaining, just freaked that i'll be nervous as hell tomorrow considering the situation. public place... okay... keep yourself together, jaimie... cool it...
oh well. time to face the music.
naturally, :he: wanted to see me. :he: was even slightly frustrated when i said, 'if you don't want to meet, and you think everything's okay, then it's okay if we don't talk.'
here i go with my drama again.
but still... me wanting to straighten things out didn't mean :he: should agree with my terms, right? i'm not forcing anyone to talk to me.
although... ah, never mind.
when asked if i wanted to see :him:, i blabbed my answer which simply meant, "it's okay if i do." ah, shit. on the phone and i'm fumbling with what to say? hah. tomorrow should be interesting.
i'm still freaked. nerve-wracked. oh well. i guess, you just gotta do what you gotta do.
all my entries about this thing is filled with 'i guesses', huh? goes to show how unsure i am about the whole deal.
no 'i told you sos' from the world, please. i'm freaked enough, thank you very much.
tomorrow. 12 july 2004. 12 again. the same judgment day, only a month apart.
ONE DAY MORE.
Saturday, July 10, 2004
"...just a day, just an ORDINARY day..."
"...today i heard them play the song again... an old familiar flame from way back when... but seasons change, and time erases the tears... as if it makes the feelings disappear..."
i know the lyrics aren't entirely correct, but still...
yes, it's july 10th today. the supposed 3rd month. oh well. shit happens. i guess i'll have to deal with it.
haay... i spent most of my time with my kuya today. i had this disturbing urge to go out this morning, and when i couldn't reach most of my friends, i finally got to talk to my brother. i had to convince him pa like crazy before he finally agreed to go out. pa'no kasi, we both were short on the money department. ewan... i just wanted to get out of the house. i don't know nga what that was, eh... was it because i just had to go out on a saturday? or because 'things' have changed and i wanted to distract myself from bawling over whatever that can NOT happen anymore given the present situation?
hmmm... i guess it's more of the second one. (and i think that little fact is one of the things that convinced my brother to accompany me waste my time somewhere...) you can't blame me, right? i mean, this is the FIRST. i'm not going to be a hypocrite and say that it doesn't make me sad at all, because it does. i'm not some heartless bitch who thinks it's entirely his loss that things are different. not to self-pity, but i'm sort of in the losing end too... i mean, i lost some things also, and those things, simple or complex as they may be, are hard to get back... no matter what people say...
it's funny how things sink in to me really slowly... i should've felt worse the day it happened, but... i think i'm realizing some things more now. i don't know why... i guess... i'm just really bothered, because i don't exactly know what went wrong. it's possible that i know the reason to this extreme situation, but i still question myself why things ended. what shit could i have possibly done for :him: to be able to decide on going for this transition? I HAVE NO IDEA.
i'm so weird. though i had so much fun today hanging with my brother, i feel empty, sad, and alone. it's this feeling that all of today's laugh trips and embarrassing moments [don't ask] still couldn't make me genuinely happy... i guess... i just have to get used to things? i don't really know. even my dad noticed that i don't look okay. he even kept on asking me why i was so malamya.
yea, yea. to the people reading this who knows my story, you'd think i'm crazy. a fool... oh, crap. here i go again... oh hell. i'll stop. i know i'm such a dumbass. but i can't help it. i'm affected. can you blame me? man, i went through hell and beyond for this, so i'm entitled to shitty feelings too. yes, martyr mode. i'm not THAT deranged, you know. i just feel bad, that's all.
my kuya and i left at around 2:00 a while ago, and we passed by the office for a while. after a few, off to galleria we went. i must say, the day kept on slapping me on the face with freaking reminders of :someone: i was once involved with. on our way to galleria, i heard 'knocks me off my feet' on the radio. so much for having a peaceful day. what else were the reminders? hmmm... the cars, their visors, the roads, the route, the MALL itself---every place was memory-infested, i could have choked to death right then and there. yes, women are naturally inclined to be memory-filled, i know, but i was caught off guard. i never thought it would feel this weird. i mean, to experience it first-hand now.
ah, the agony.
anyways, the movie place was, of course, memory-infested as well[come on, that was basically the only place we hung at whenever we'd go there.]. yes, i felt pangs in my heart, but that didn't stop the memories from coming back. so what if they did, right? i have a life. i better get on with it then. but, the thing is, i can't go on without remembering. i guess that's okay. it means i care. but hell, what keeps on happening is too much. memories bombard me like hell whenever and wherever i go.
so, to make the long story short, despite all of my brother's attempts to make me enjoy, i realized that every smile and every laugh we shared was half-hearted for me. i don't know why, but it's true. whatever people may say, i'm still not okay with this because i'm not an idiot, and i know i lost a part of myself too.
i told :him: once that losing what i had in a certain moment meant losing a part of myself as well. now, i'm really sure i'm right, because of what i'm feeling now. this may be confusion, stupidity, or just plain shitheadedness[if there is such a word], but again, I CAN'T BLAME MYSELF. i'm not insensitive. i got hurt too.
in the moviehouse a while ago, in the middle of the last chapter of the second kill bill movie's volume, i heard an alarm sound. i was, of course, alarmed, and my heart was pounding like crazy. i was so freaked that the mall may have been on fire or something, and i so wanted to get out of the moviehouse to check out the rest of civilization. when kuya asked a guard about the alarm, all he said was that it was faulty and that it was nothing. so we stayed at the end of the harang and watched the rest of the movie from there. i have to admit, i was panicking inside while watching the last part. i couldn't help checking out the people if they were starting to run already, because any time then, i was ready to run like hell. i even thought that today was the day i was going to die. wow. what a beautiful date to die. my third un-okay month. well, i should've looked at the bright side: at least i can now experience being visited by friends while confined in a hospital.
mental, huh?
now i hate myself. i'm getting too sentimental about the whole deal. it shouldn't matter if i'm sad, what should matter is that i learn to get over myself and be happy.
oh well. as they say, 'it happens to the best of us.'
i wouldn't consider me one of the best, but... ah, whatever. breathe, jaimie. get a hold of yourself.
pull yourself together, you pathetic loser.
ouch.
i know the lyrics aren't entirely correct, but still...
yes, it's july 10th today. the supposed 3rd month. oh well. shit happens. i guess i'll have to deal with it.
haay... i spent most of my time with my kuya today. i had this disturbing urge to go out this morning, and when i couldn't reach most of my friends, i finally got to talk to my brother. i had to convince him pa like crazy before he finally agreed to go out. pa'no kasi, we both were short on the money department. ewan... i just wanted to get out of the house. i don't know nga what that was, eh... was it because i just had to go out on a saturday? or because 'things' have changed and i wanted to distract myself from bawling over whatever that can NOT happen anymore given the present situation?
hmmm... i guess it's more of the second one. (and i think that little fact is one of the things that convinced my brother to accompany me waste my time somewhere...) you can't blame me, right? i mean, this is the FIRST. i'm not going to be a hypocrite and say that it doesn't make me sad at all, because it does. i'm not some heartless bitch who thinks it's entirely his loss that things are different. not to self-pity, but i'm sort of in the losing end too... i mean, i lost some things also, and those things, simple or complex as they may be, are hard to get back... no matter what people say...
it's funny how things sink in to me really slowly... i should've felt worse the day it happened, but... i think i'm realizing some things more now. i don't know why... i guess... i'm just really bothered, because i don't exactly know what went wrong. it's possible that i know the reason to this extreme situation, but i still question myself why things ended. what shit could i have possibly done for :him: to be able to decide on going for this transition? I HAVE NO IDEA.
i'm so weird. though i had so much fun today hanging with my brother, i feel empty, sad, and alone. it's this feeling that all of today's laugh trips and embarrassing moments [don't ask] still couldn't make me genuinely happy... i guess... i just have to get used to things? i don't really know. even my dad noticed that i don't look okay. he even kept on asking me why i was so malamya.
yea, yea. to the people reading this who knows my story, you'd think i'm crazy. a fool... oh, crap. here i go again... oh hell. i'll stop. i know i'm such a dumbass. but i can't help it. i'm affected. can you blame me? man, i went through hell and beyond for this, so i'm entitled to shitty feelings too. yes, martyr mode. i'm not THAT deranged, you know. i just feel bad, that's all.
my kuya and i left at around 2:00 a while ago, and we passed by the office for a while. after a few, off to galleria we went. i must say, the day kept on slapping me on the face with freaking reminders of :someone: i was once involved with. on our way to galleria, i heard 'knocks me off my feet' on the radio. so much for having a peaceful day. what else were the reminders? hmmm... the cars, their visors, the roads, the route, the MALL itself---every place was memory-infested, i could have choked to death right then and there. yes, women are naturally inclined to be memory-filled, i know, but i was caught off guard. i never thought it would feel this weird. i mean, to experience it first-hand now.
ah, the agony.
anyways, the movie place was, of course, memory-infested as well[come on, that was basically the only place we hung at whenever we'd go there.]. yes, i felt pangs in my heart, but that didn't stop the memories from coming back. so what if they did, right? i have a life. i better get on with it then. but, the thing is, i can't go on without remembering. i guess that's okay. it means i care. but hell, what keeps on happening is too much. memories bombard me like hell whenever and wherever i go.
so, to make the long story short, despite all of my brother's attempts to make me enjoy, i realized that every smile and every laugh we shared was half-hearted for me. i don't know why, but it's true. whatever people may say, i'm still not okay with this because i'm not an idiot, and i know i lost a part of myself too.
i told :him: once that losing what i had in a certain moment meant losing a part of myself as well. now, i'm really sure i'm right, because of what i'm feeling now. this may be confusion, stupidity, or just plain shitheadedness[if there is such a word], but again, I CAN'T BLAME MYSELF. i'm not insensitive. i got hurt too.
in the moviehouse a while ago, in the middle of the last chapter of the second kill bill movie's volume, i heard an alarm sound. i was, of course, alarmed, and my heart was pounding like crazy. i was so freaked that the mall may have been on fire or something, and i so wanted to get out of the moviehouse to check out the rest of civilization. when kuya asked a guard about the alarm, all he said was that it was faulty and that it was nothing. so we stayed at the end of the harang and watched the rest of the movie from there. i have to admit, i was panicking inside while watching the last part. i couldn't help checking out the people if they were starting to run already, because any time then, i was ready to run like hell. i even thought that today was the day i was going to die. wow. what a beautiful date to die. my third un-okay month. well, i should've looked at the bright side: at least i can now experience being visited by friends while confined in a hospital.
mental, huh?
now i hate myself. i'm getting too sentimental about the whole deal. it shouldn't matter if i'm sad, what should matter is that i learn to get over myself and be happy.
oh well. as they say, 'it happens to the best of us.'
i wouldn't consider me one of the best, but... ah, whatever. breathe, jaimie. get a hold of yourself.
pull yourself together, you pathetic loser.
ouch.
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
what's with this???
what the---???
7-July-2004 19:05:47
"Jaimie rose mojica,i rily mis being wit u.And i thnk i made d wr0ng dcsi0n.I jst wnt u 2 knw dat?"
again, i say, WHAT'S WITH THIS???
7-July-2004 19:05:47
"Jaimie rose mojica,i rily mis being wit u.And i thnk i made d wr0ng dcsi0n.I jst wnt u 2 knw dat?"
again, i say, WHAT'S WITH THIS???
"...i'm not the one you're needing... i love you, GOODBYE..."
I Love You, Goodbye
Wish I could be the one
The one who could give you love
The kind of love you really need
Wish I could say to you
That I'll always stay with you
But baby that's not me
You need someone willing to give their heart and soul to you
Promise you forever, baby that's something I can't do
Oh I could say that I'll be all you need
But that would be a lie
I know I'd only hurt you
I know I'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye
I hope someday you can
Find some way to understand I'm only doing this for you
I don't really wanna go
But deep in my heart I know this is the kindest thing to do
You'll find someone who'll be the one that I could never be
Who'll give you something better
Than the love you'll find with me
Oh I could say that I'll be all you need
But that would be a crime
I know I'd only hurt you
I know I'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye
Leaving someone when you love someone
Is the hardest thing to do
When you love someone as much as I love you
Oh, I don't wanna leave you
Baby it tears me up inside
But I'll never be the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye
Baby, its never gonna work out
I love you, goodbye
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
oh, the perks of being single.
YEA. YOU GUESSED IT.
it's pointless adding to the part I i wrote last night then, huh? oh well.
2 months, 28 days.
adjourned.
it's a mystery why people give so much time and attention to something and let it go after a while... it's just confusing that everyone invests so much on something they'd eventually give up on in the end. is it because of pagsasawa? or is it because the effort seems useless that there's just no point in going on with what you started?
i can go on all day thinking about this, but what will happen? will it bring back the past that i was already getting used to having?
this is not me ranting over something i just got used to. this is me thinking aloud about something that could have had something more. that could have turned out better.
am i sad? of course i am. that's just normal, considering this is the first event of my "welcoming to the REAL WORLD." i wouldn't be a hypocrite and say i'm not affected at all, because i am. it's impossible to be heartless after what i went through.
i had the longest ride going home today. yes, :he: picked me up from school. we never really talked on the way home, just small talk. and then, for the longest time, we both fell silent. it wasn't the comfortable silence we used to share, but the most uneasy one ever. i had no other choice but to look out the window. i knew something was going to happen, and i felt bad that things had to turn out that way.
it took me until after an overpass somewhere in sta. mesa before i could ask,
"may sasabihin ka ba sa akin?"
and then silence... i didn't know if it was because :he: was stalling, or because :he: just didn't have anything to tell me. and so i asked again.
"wala ka ba tala---"
in the middle of me blurting out the inevitable question was :his: reply:
"mamaya na..."
so there. without a doubt, he was stalling. it didn't feel right that he had to leave me hanging before i knew what he wanted to say. i couldn't do anything. i froze.
when we got to my house, :he: moved uneasily and faced me.
"alam mo naman siguro yung sasabihin ko, diba?"
that was all i had to hear to figure out what was happening.
i had a little talk with my kuya when i got home. of course, i did just what any sane little sister would do: i spilled the beans. yes, i was freaked that i was able to do that, but, whatever. i did it.
i was in the brink of tears when i told him, and all he asked was "ano'ng nangyari?" it felt easier, because he never told me to tell him about anything specific. and so i drew a breath, and then we talked. i didn't get a lecture or anything, we talked just like how we'd do every single time. i found out a few noteworthy bits and pieces about him, and i got a couple of good lines too. it really helps if you both are psychologists.Ü hahaÜ (wishful thinking.)
i have no idea why this had to happen now. i was prepared for this a few days back, but :he: dismissed everything i wanted to say and asked me if this was my solution to the problem. i didn't know what else i could do, because with all the time and effort i gave, he still wasn't happy. the 'it's not you, it's me' line he threw seemed pointless because i was sure it was of desperation. i don't want to say anything that would bother either one of us, because it's clear: some things are just not meant to be.
makes me think of what my kuya told me a while ago: "sa experience ko kasi, yung mga 'you and me against the world' na yan... madalas, hindi nagwwork."
oh well. things you find out about when what's done is done.
"It's hard to hold on to something you know would never be yours in any way you think of. You just have to learn to LET GO and face the fact that while 'good things never last'... SOME DON'T EVEN START..."
how true, how true.
Wish I could be the one
The one who could give you love
The kind of love you really need
Wish I could say to you
That I'll always stay with you
But baby that's not me
You need someone willing to give their heart and soul to you
Promise you forever, baby that's something I can't do
Oh I could say that I'll be all you need
But that would be a lie
I know I'd only hurt you
I know I'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye
I hope someday you can
Find some way to understand I'm only doing this for you
I don't really wanna go
But deep in my heart I know this is the kindest thing to do
You'll find someone who'll be the one that I could never be
Who'll give you something better
Than the love you'll find with me
Oh I could say that I'll be all you need
But that would be a crime
I know I'd only hurt you
I know I'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye
Leaving someone when you love someone
Is the hardest thing to do
When you love someone as much as I love you
Oh, I don't wanna leave you
Baby it tears me up inside
But I'll never be the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye
Baby, its never gonna work out
I love you, goodbye
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
oh, the perks of being single.
YEA. YOU GUESSED IT.
it's pointless adding to the part I i wrote last night then, huh? oh well.
2 months, 28 days.
adjourned.
it's a mystery why people give so much time and attention to something and let it go after a while... it's just confusing that everyone invests so much on something they'd eventually give up on in the end. is it because of pagsasawa? or is it because the effort seems useless that there's just no point in going on with what you started?
i can go on all day thinking about this, but what will happen? will it bring back the past that i was already getting used to having?
this is not me ranting over something i just got used to. this is me thinking aloud about something that could have had something more. that could have turned out better.
am i sad? of course i am. that's just normal, considering this is the first event of my "welcoming to the REAL WORLD." i wouldn't be a hypocrite and say i'm not affected at all, because i am. it's impossible to be heartless after what i went through.
i had the longest ride going home today. yes, :he: picked me up from school. we never really talked on the way home, just small talk. and then, for the longest time, we both fell silent. it wasn't the comfortable silence we used to share, but the most uneasy one ever. i had no other choice but to look out the window. i knew something was going to happen, and i felt bad that things had to turn out that way.
it took me until after an overpass somewhere in sta. mesa before i could ask,
"may sasabihin ka ba sa akin?"
and then silence... i didn't know if it was because :he: was stalling, or because :he: just didn't have anything to tell me. and so i asked again.
"wala ka ba tala---"
in the middle of me blurting out the inevitable question was :his: reply:
"mamaya na..."
so there. without a doubt, he was stalling. it didn't feel right that he had to leave me hanging before i knew what he wanted to say. i couldn't do anything. i froze.
when we got to my house, :he: moved uneasily and faced me.
"alam mo naman siguro yung sasabihin ko, diba?"
that was all i had to hear to figure out what was happening.
i had a little talk with my kuya when i got home. of course, i did just what any sane little sister would do: i spilled the beans. yes, i was freaked that i was able to do that, but, whatever. i did it.
i was in the brink of tears when i told him, and all he asked was "ano'ng nangyari?" it felt easier, because he never told me to tell him about anything specific. and so i drew a breath, and then we talked. i didn't get a lecture or anything, we talked just like how we'd do every single time. i found out a few noteworthy bits and pieces about him, and i got a couple of good lines too. it really helps if you both are psychologists.Ü hahaÜ (wishful thinking.)
i have no idea why this had to happen now. i was prepared for this a few days back, but :he: dismissed everything i wanted to say and asked me if this was my solution to the problem. i didn't know what else i could do, because with all the time and effort i gave, he still wasn't happy. the 'it's not you, it's me' line he threw seemed pointless because i was sure it was of desperation. i don't want to say anything that would bother either one of us, because it's clear: some things are just not meant to be.
makes me think of what my kuya told me a while ago: "sa experience ko kasi, yung mga 'you and me against the world' na yan... madalas, hindi nagwwork."
oh well. things you find out about when what's done is done.
"It's hard to hold on to something you know would never be yours in any way you think of. You just have to learn to LET GO and face the fact that while 'good things never last'... SOME DON'T EVEN START..."
how true, how true.
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
confused as ever... AGAIN.
i am not in the mood to update you on the past week's events, i just want to confuse myself more. the recap of my hellish life since 01 july will have to wait.
******
PART I
******
today i found myself thinking of 'certain' things nonstop. (this is quite bothering to most people, because i actually was semi-quiet the whole day.) i don't know if this is good, but whatever. i just felt really lazy to be the jaimie i really am.
theo class was really enlightening, mainly because i had to endure an hour and a half of hiritans and patamas from the block, and, worse, from my teacher. the discussion was filled with 'slips of the tongue' which were, of course, daggers through my heart.
******
PART I
******
today i found myself thinking of 'certain' things nonstop. (this is quite bothering to most people, because i actually was semi-quiet the whole day.) i don't know if this is good, but whatever. i just felt really lazy to be the jaimie i really am.
theo class was really enlightening, mainly because i had to endure an hour and a half of hiritans and patamas from the block, and, worse, from my teacher. the discussion was filled with 'slips of the tongue' which were, of course, daggers through my heart.
Friday, July 02, 2004
sus!!!
the things you get for trying so hard to be vague... oh well.
i am still pure, thank you very much.Ü to those who are still freaked, i meant for nadala to be nadala sa decision, as in statements that were said. nothing more than that. hay... life...
i am still pure, thank you very much.Ü to those who are still freaked, i meant for nadala to be nadala sa decision, as in statements that were said. nothing more than that. hay... life...
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