déjà vu

it's making me a little uneasy that things are seemingly going back to the way they were. it's not that i want things to end, but i'm seriously scared that things will turn out to be as ugly as it once was a few breaths ago.

yes. i'm scared.

i mean, i'm all for reunions and the happiness it brings. but i don't think i want that happening anytime soon just yet. i want YOU to think about it. because i want you to know exactly what you're getting into once you decide to do this again.

then again, like i said, you will still end up deciding for yourself. and you know i'll still be the supportive friend who has your back. but promise me this, whatever happens, please take extra care. your monumental episodes were not pretty, and i don't want you in any way, shape, or form anywhere near that again. EVER.

i'm just praying hard that things will get better, soon.

one leaf down

it took FOUR SECONDS for me to randomly act on my--erm--hormones and send a matter-of-fact message to someone after all my faith in that person had gone out the window. therefore, i think, that made my initial resolution for the year ring true: that i should let go of all the hurt in my heart and learn to forgive.

*sigh*

i believe these *sigh* moments are triggered by my ongoing crazy hormones, and i am still left bewildered. when will this stop??? i'm having the ride of my month in a not-so-comfortable debilitating series of events, and i am aching for change to commence. may i be normal now, please? *batts lashes*

and then i see a particularly familiar name stuck onto the glass divider that mediates me and ray [or a part of it, at least].

and then i smile. heehee. ;)

so, yes. right now, i need saving. from all the actual annoying physiological pain i'm experiencing.

the past

i must admit, in the most non-bitchy of all the bitchiness that i am, i miss you.

since facebook has been revamping most of its interface, i get to see something new everyday. the new layout, perhaps, or the new links and such that randomly pop up.

which brings me to my newest discovery: that sidebar of memories. :) it annoyed me, at first, to see something seemingly nonsensical flash before my eyes AGAIN, but as i saw some statuses of mine with actual substance posted there, i caved and went on clicking almost everything heartstrings-tugging that i saw.

and yes, i miss my old life, too. my old, even-more-flawed self, my escapades, my feelings, my crazy friends. and it actually hurts to think that some of them have been lost. somewhere, i don't know.

i wish everything would reach its conclusion, so that most things can go back to normal. yes, that's right, i WISH.

*sigh*

so, cheers to new beginnings, and i shall continue to pray for miracles to unfold. :)

back to the grind

it's been so long since i last attempted to do anything here. work happened, yes. and so did life. :)

 apart from work happening, life kept on hitting me in the arse. this, of course, made everything even more impossible and sanity-threatening. LOL. but it's fine. like i said, suddenly, i see a light at the end of the tunnel. my two-deadline week turned out to be a single-deadline week, giving me a little space to breathe.

as i was traversing the streets of my alma mater before heading home the day before yesterday, i ran into ate luch and was effing giddy-happy from all the excitement of finally seeing each other after one fateful chill night. i loved that the insight on moving forward had been inculcated into her system, but talking about technicalities still seem to wear me out. for some strange, demented reason, it still pained me to see them on the road less taken.

well, whaddya know? i still have a heart. and a big heart at that.

i knew that a step forward would be for the best, but i wanted the steps forward to be thought about and carefully planned. so, i guess, what freaked me out the most was that the feelings harbored while stepping up were not of total happiness. why? because i have found it in my heart to forgive. it wasn't easy, of course, but i tried and have let the pain go. i just don't want them to go through the pain anymore.

*sigh*

on a lighter note, in spite of my girl pains, i HAVE found a light at the end of a tunnel. to make matters worse, aaaaah i won't allow it to get worse. LOL.

que me hizo sonreír, después de todo. :) heehee :)