HEART, actually.

my heart actually hurts.

many of you would think that this was supposed to be entitled "love actually" (as opposed to "heart, actually."), that being one of my all-time fave movies. but it's not, so, whatever.

after witnessing an unexpected moment, it really surprised me that my heart actually hurt--for real. it was neither a mere pang, nor was it a painful twitch; for some weirdly unexplainable reason, it was real pain. it must have been some constriction or a medically-explainable whatnot, but i felt it--i'm feeling it. and it doesn't seem to go away.

this could be an influence of my dear partner-in-crime, to the truest extent that we feel each other's pains now. but i know this is solely mine. with touches of my world's facets maybe, but mostly of right now.

due to events uncalled for, i am again stuck in a rut. "i don't know why i'm frightened, i know my way around here..." for as long as i can remember, i have been baffled with the uncertainties of this same opportunity. but i have no idea why everything scares me so much more now. to quote mine wise sensei, "...there are no mistakes, just lessons to be learned." and i still have no idea why the aftershocks do not insist themselves into my anatomy. although actions have been made by some to sensationalize this supposed bizaare manifestation, my hypothalamus still seeks to ponder on what should be. sure, things are better now. but what makes that an assurance that everything will be fine?

i know, how obsessive of me to be such an automator. but i can't help it if i know deep down that something is definitely up. you can't blame a woman for her intuition, after all. that's what keeps us going. meanwhile, amidst all the hullabaloo, i still cannot fathom what exactly the plan for me is.

i'm going crazy, my head is spinning. i can't just make myself believe that this is fine. my corpus callosum is severed, my hemispheres do not work well anymore. bottomline? i'm toast.

Wrong Place, Wrong Time.

just when i thought things are harboring back smidgens of normalcy, i thrust myself into a world of unchartered dispute. the fallacy that is my knowledge is tested in the waters of uncertainty, i can just die.

why do the beloved live such an inconsequential life? my heart's despair reaches to the depths of the earth's core. sometimes, when you perceive moments as real, you find out pretty soon that it was all a lie.

i knew destiny couldn't have helped ranting about missed instances. i knew right off the bat i was to become an accessory to the complications of varied beadwork. if only i had seen the bigger picture sooner, i would not feel this way.

so, now dear sister is the rancidly unscrupulous being that graced fate's existence. how should she know she's being cursed to oblivion by those dearest to her anatomy? everything is so darn surreal, i hate it.

it's a good thing people rarely grasp the precision of mine inscriptions. add to that the little factoid that is my esotericity. there is solace in the vehemence my veins emit. mi fuera leaps to the bounds of the unknown, and my work will never be done.

i have never felt a melange of such in the past eons of my existence. i am EXTREMELY stupid for having fallen for a lie. and i initiated the truce.

i am such a loser.

i have guarded my physiology against that kind for so long, my walls are crumbling. i am a confused mound of a life. will my alternate universe please set me free?

NEVER AGAIN. half-baked uncertainty in the magnitude of life's shreddings of essential truths. time will come, and i will finally break free from all of this.

please.

Time and Time Again

for the past eons of my life, flakeouts were persistently emerging from the cracks of beyond. as much as i try to work with these dents i dodge with all my might, there is always that one time when all hell breaks loose... and the flakeouts come crashing down on you.

unfortunately, that day had to be today. my sleeplessly quiet dawn was shattered by untold circumstances... and my life morphed into the life i never knew. the life i passed by, the life i saw from a distance.

but i had to live in the agony today. why today? why now that i did not prepare at all? if only i had forseen this...

then again, it is truly wise to expect the unexpected. i know i'm changing, i'm doing all i can to cope. but i wasn't as ready now. God is fair. He leaves you dumbfounded in random moments of your life, and you stare in awe and relentlessly hold on to dear life and to the greater power that is His will. times like these, we all are left mystified of the glory of how He truly is.

i really understand where you're coming from, but what happened happened. it would be hypocritical to say i feel for you ten million percent, but i understand. you also have to understand now that things happen for a reason. and what matters is how you work with it. cliche, yes. but SO true.

these moments are showered upon us to foster the growth of our recklessnesses, to edify us of the truth that there are other people we affect than just ourselves. we are caught unaware, as opposed to grasping every drop of the reality that there is.so what to do?

deal with it.

sounds harsh, but that's life. my flakeouts will come again, but whatever happens, i'll be sticking to it. all that's let for me to do now is BREATHE.

BREATHE...
breathe...
breathe.