#heartstrong

There are so many things I’m thankful for today. Mostly, though, it’s for the semi-culmination of an awesome but highly traumatic school year. I experienced such highs and unthinkable hells, and because of these, I almost lost hope.

I honestly never thought I would see the day I’d lose all the fight left in my heart. It was indescribable and unreal, and there seemingly was no way out. It choked me in so many ways that even tears didn’t get the chance to flow; my brain didn’t even sense my need to rake all the madness in. The better part of my brain willed my heart to pull it together; and I did, for a little while. But when there’s too much I keep inside, it soon takes a toll on something else, and it left me drained and a million times more unhappy.

As I saw the rest of my friends disheartened and paralyzed, I realized I didn’t just let myself down—I let them down, too. I disappointed the people who usually clung to me for strength. I know I’m at least entitled to feel a little emotion, but the complete loss of it just made my then-crumbled world disintegrate even more. I appreciate to the ends of the earth those who knew me well enough to just offer a shoulder and a silently understanding heart, which somehow eased the increasingly heartbreaking moment’s tugs at my sanity.

I guess it’s in your weakest moments when you find fate working to your advantage. It builds a window where there once was none, and somehow, somewhere, a beam of light will shine through. It’s not the most perfect of circumstances, but it makes the most sense. And then you don’t feel so alone anymore. Some people still and will be with you as you go along your journey. And again, I’m thankful these people are on my side. I woke up the next day and slowly picked up the pieces as I nursed every inch of brokenness and tried to put myself back together. The fight wasn’t over, after all.

What began as a ray of hope radiated into a mantle of faith. Blind as it may have been, it emanated an aura of the turnaround my soul direly needed. I realized that my demise deserved redemption, and that losing faith in me didn’t have to involve the rest of the world. My tormented heart slowly healed and I focused on what could be done. Those with a fighting chance deserve encouragement, no matter how hopeless the odds may seem.

I say these past few weeks have indeed tested me in ways I could never have imagined, but it taught me to keep my faith rock solid as well. I know the resolution is far from realized, but there will always—ALWAYS—be a fighting chance. And that’s a chance I’ll forever be willing to take.

I cannot teach everyone to be strong, but I’m sincerely thankful to the Big Guy up there that I was once again taught to be exactly that. I don’t know what else will be in store for me in the next couple of weeks, but all I can do is pray that the odds work to my advantage. I know that next year will again be insanely different, and my scarred heart will be ready and waiting for that change. I hope that all those who have helped me realize these things will find peace in the chaos their hearts are now in, and slowly realize that life after a monumental heartbreak is possible.

Now, I said I experienced such highs and unthinkable hells this school year. And because of these things, I REFUSE to lose hope. I shall keep charging on until the very end. Fight lang nang fight.

Losing grip

I have never lost so much fight in my life as I have this afternoon. And the hardest part is trying so damn hard to be strong when your heart has already given up.

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It still baffles me that people who don't get anything out of me anymore all of a sudden think I'm such a bad person, that I leave people behind and that I'm completely heartless. I may appear to be all strong and independent, but it hurts me that I'm constantly judged by people like you, too, you know.

I refuse to explain to you how my decisions were made, because (1) you don't deserve my explanation, and (2) you won't understand anyway. SO I'd rather save my precious brain cells than think of an easier way to explain things to you. I'm sorry if I seem harsh (although I don't think you're getting the real point of this anyway, so meh.), but like what I've been telling you before, when someone gets tired, they just get tired. I originally assumed you understood that, given that you're older than me and supposedly blessed with more wisdom and care in the world, but, alas, I was wrong. Snaps for me for giving the benefit of the doubt, but, more importantly, snaps for my heart for being on the honor roll of getting hurt & disappointed once again.

I believe I have been a real friend to you. And the rest of our friends have been the same. But since all we got out of you was sheer irresponsibility and utter neglect for anything that's equally important for all of us, then I (well, any of us) don't think you still deserve the friendship we can offer. When the only times we hear from you are when you need something, I sure as hell know that's not at all okay. The rest of the time you're visible, you're either impatient or lying, and you try to earn our trust by being unnecessarily nice (cos I know it's fake) or by treating us to appease our worried minds. I'm sorry, but your tactics won't work on me anymore. I would gladly pay you back for the money you've spent being friends with us, plus a little extra if you want. I may not be as affluent as you, but I have class and good principles that you may never be able to afford to have. I am never going to be bought by the cheapness that you think will get you through life. Money may make the world go 'round in some strange, demented way, but your money will never be of use to me and my ideals. I say reevaluate your life and start the change that's so long overdue. I would say GROW UP, but I don't think even that will work.

Now, allow me to tell you a little something about self-preservation: Once people grow tired of giving individuals like you everything and anything, they start to believe they deserve to keep their sanity more and start focusing on themselves. I hope, someday (I really do), you progress into the man you're supposed to be, and I pray that you find the motivation to actually be a good person to others without lying or buying them out. As for your friendship, I think I'm good with my real friends already, thank you very much.