Another Day

Inquiring minds would NOT want to know. Not this time. So, goodluck to these crazy eyes cos they see anything and everything.

Taking things one step at a time is essential for well-being. And sanity. And adjustment. And everything else. But it doesn't mean it's going to be pretty. UGH.

The upside of maturely dealing with things is that it won't be that bad forever. Somehow, someday, I'll get used to this and it won't be as bothersome as it presently is. And so I wait for that glorious moment wherein life starts to suck less. This neverending game is honestly eating me alive, but my vampire blood makes it hard for me to die inside cos I just keep healing away. Methinks I now possess a giant ball of fibrotic insides and I can't seem to escape it.

I'm doomed. But I really don't want to admit it. Cos if I do, this world will come tumbling down and I will be dragged into my proverbial hell. Deep breaths are all I need. I hope that's it.

STOP. STOP. STOOOOOP.

Forget It

I understand that I may be quite a handful, cos I'm neurotic, unpredictable, frank, moody, too chatty, too girly, a worrier, and mean, among other things. But I'm pretty sure I try as much as I can to be a good friend, person and human being to those individuals I care about. Heck, I even worry about people I don't necessarily have to care about--just because I have been entrusted with their well-being, too.

If you don't like it, you honestly just have to tell me. That's all I'm saying. Because I'd really appreciate the frankness more than the rude comebacks, especially if they weren't even subtlely delivered. I do not demand for recognition, but I also don't appreciate that you choose inflections of sarcasm (or even blunt and direct sarcasm) over honesty when you tell me what you think.

I actually think you're one person worth worrying for, but, sure, I get the message now. I'll keep a mental note to stop caring for your existence then. I'm not usually the type who ceases to care, but this time, I think I can convince myself to make an exception. Sure, the process is going to be hard, but oh well. Just so you know, I think you'll miss this perfectly flawed mind. Then again, maybe not. :)

The Downside

Self-preservation is such a two-faced b*tch.

And I don't know why the hell I keep doing this to myself.

I guess I just have to get used to the downside more. I get to detach, yes. But I feel all the glorious pangs, too. As a matter of fact, I just got that almost-too-real heart squeeze a second ago when the smarter part of my brain told me to establish the distance more. That self-satisfied smirk was just too real, and I hope that the blood that drained out of my entirety did not sell me out.

I had to bury my face into my hands because it was too surreal to just endure with a poker face. My smiles betray me, and the initial chill that crept up my being was replaced with some sort of fiery internal struggle even I couldn't decipher. Long story short, it was a flurry of feels I thought I had already let go.

Well, apparently not.

I was pulled back into the real world when I heard a classmate say, "Don't cry, Jaimie. You look like you're going to cry." At that point, all I could muster was a nervous "Huh?" and unconsciously went back to staring into space. I'm okay, I'm okay. It'll be fine.

Yes. It will be. And it should.

Riddle Me This

In this highly labile game of chance, I guess, as with many other matters this life mimics so well, the one who folds first loses.

Despite the sheer travesty of the most recent series of unfortunate events to my poor, poor heart, I choose to bask in indifference and not allow my restless soul to respond. Everything seems to be on edge that whenever I show the slightest bit of openness to the wonderful world of change, I am disappointed and left to mend the tears on my coat of shame.

Easing up on my guard, I think, allows me an almost-parasitic infection that can definitely eat my sanity up. But the natural-ness of everything still picks at my being and never lets me go. Suffice it to say I can't just detach from everything else. But that's how the melodramatic-slash-humane me will always and forever be, I guess. It's a curse, I know. So I'm just gonna have to live with it and face the unfortunate consequences of having a heart.

It may be frustrating to some that I sometimes function too much--believe me, it infuriates me, too--but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. It's not the OCness in me speaking but the actual desire for your development in this crazy, unforgiving world. Don't worry, I would understand if it's maddening (or possibly annoying) and it makes you just opt to not care. Believe it or not, my disheveled heart is ready for more rounds of bashing. ;)

But, I guess, in the midst of all the drama, life does give you what you want and deserve. You just have to possess the patience to wait for it to happen and then you'll see that that perfect time is going to be magical.😘

Pet Peeve

Just a thought: if and when I assign you to compile a report, You SHOULD note that I TRUST that you will NOT ONLY edit the format of the paper plus all those blasted indentations and whatnot. I'm sure it's supposed to dawn upon your ever-so-important soul that the proper usage of the English language and its technicalities should be checked as well, along with the sheer OBVIOUSNESS of supplying accurate data for every single result and its corresponding table and elucidation.

And you pride yourself with being a Grammar Nazi? SHAME ON YOU. You memorized rules of the language but do not know what you're talking about. Your understanding is purely cerebral and that does not place you upon the English pedestal.

I honestly do not care if you were not having a good day when you did your part because everyone else had to suck it up and deliver. SO GROW UP ALREADY. And please allow yourself a few hours to ponder on that.

Rant Day

There are SOOOOO MANY THINGS that I want to fast-forward my life to at this very moment, just so I can get a taste of what it's like to not get nagged all day. I know it's the stress, it's the annoying case of facing the unfamiliar and the OCness that comes with guarding your personal space--BUT HEY, WATCH IT. I may be in a very forgiving mood now, but I can't promise it's going to last forever.

Stop blaming me for not learning the things you do not exert effort for. If you think that business is of paramount importance in the whole world's life, then force me to quit med school so that I won't have to need to use your holier-than-thou computer.

I've been screamed at and frowned upon since this morning and I don't like it. Especially now that my hormones are on overdrive. Please do not provoke me. Please. Don't.

Deep Breaths.

Always be wary when mixing business with pleasure. In spite of random endings that go well, there are some highly quicksand-ey situations that make you regret even planning to get the best of both worlds.

In a perfect universe, I would be able to get what I want, when I want it. But since that world exists only in a dream, I suck up all the bad juju that's been accumulating and flash a halfhearted smile. Poor me, always on the losing end.

I'm starting to think the theory I once had was never true to begin with. Apparently, everything I believed about this has been a lie, and I have subjected myself to nothing but embarrassment and despair. But yes, life goes on and I shall eventually find another theory to believe so my heart can get disproved again someday.

Oh well. At least I'm used to disappointments. :( pardon the self-pity. Down in the dumps is just an understatement right now. Sigh.

2:09 AM

The Universe has kickstarted my dormant mind once again.

In the game of chess, one party's attack-and-capture methods are meant to place the king under an inescapable threat of capture. However, all efforts towards the king's demise can be halted, as miniscule miscalculations and even the tiniest overstep can gift a seemingly winning candidate with a draw. And just like that, despite the dirtier work and all those brain cells lost, you eventually still succumb to paying the price. The currency? Frustration.

I sometimes wonder if the Universe has become jaded because of everything it has gone through-- because in spite of my conscious efforts to carefully remain unscathed by its rampage, I nonetheless find myself stuck right in the middle of all the chaos. It's just life, I know, but it doesn't exactly offer solace to my poor, unfortunate heart.

My heart--yes, I believe that's quite the hot topic these days--should just be left at that. No muss, no fuss. And I have gone way past that game of waiting, because there's probably something else much more worthwhile to wait for. My long-time trend of friendly encounters has apparently not escaped me yet, and I say, what's a couple more years (or months, if I'm lucky ;p) of waiting?

It could be premature to say that this is the end of the road, and so I resort so saying it's yet another fork I must contemplate on. Therefore, because of the recent (and rather frequent) turn of events I refuse to read into, time and time again, I succumb to my fate.

Stalemate.

The End of A Fairy Tale

Suffice it to say that I've been trying to pattern my life to the fairy tales I've grown up with. I've always dreamed that some Prince Charming would magically appear into my life and sweep me off of my feet, just like Cinderella and Briar Rose and those other princesses that ruled my childhood dreams. I always thought, too, that someday, I would outgrow it. But I thought wrong.

Growing up doesn't necessarily mean you let go of the child you once were. It just makes you make better choices to equip you with the things you need to survive this ever-so-ruthless world. I chose to make college so much more memorable than it could be, joined things I didn't think I would be a part of, and, yea, got to see the world with my friends. I chose to enter the insane world of Medicine that turned my life inside out and upside-down, and I find myself enjoying despite and in spite of the many, many battle scars it has left me with so far. But now, in the middle of it all, I realize that while I grew up, some part of me still wishes for a different kind of magic--and my head has apparently never stopped dreaming up a fairy tale. But now, the fairy tale ends.

I could say I wish I didn't stop dreaming, but I certainly don't want to live under the shadow of doubt. Sure, I may share comparable sentiments with some people I know, but it doesn't mean I should hold on to the "usual" and carry on. I guess, this time, I truly need to toughen up.

In a different way.

For myself.

No more of those "this is it" things. This time, it should be for real. No more waiting for this frog to turn into a prince. Unrequited matters should be thrown into the sea, along with the many other wishes we want the waves to wash away from our hearts. Right now, I just have to trust that the Big Guy up in Heaven knows what He's doing. :)

I'm letting go of my old fairy tales.

Cos I think it's about time I make some of my own. AND make them happen.