Tuesday, May 24, 2016

May Tama Ka

Bago ka magparatang na isip-bata ako, subukan mong alalahanin ang mga panahong tinatamad ka at ayaw mong magtrabaho. Nagreklamo ba ako? Ang alam ko, pinabayaan kitang tamarin at matulog, o di kaya'y kumain o hindi tumanggap ng trabaho. Kasi pagod ka. Kasi inaantok ka. Kasi gutom ka. Kasi toxic ka. Kasi may gagawin ka pa. Kasi kaya ko na to. Kasi yung iba naman ang sabihan ko.

Ang lakas ng loob mong magpaka-agresibo sa mensahe mo. Ikaw na naman ang tama kapag nakikipagsagutan ka. At pagkatapos mo ako pagsalitaan na hindi man lang sa harap ko, ako pa ang nanghingi ng patawad. Hindi ka man lang nga makatingin sa mata ko at nagmistula ka pang asong nakaipit sa mga paa ang buntot.

Sa mga panahong pinagsasalitaan mo ako ng hindi maganda, tandaan mong hindi ako pumatol ni minsan. Bastos ka manalita, at sinasabi ko sayo yun. Pero wala ring pagbabago. At ngayon ikaw ang may napakalakas na loob na magparatang na isip-bata? Munting hiling ko lang po ay tumingin din po kayo sa sarili ninyo bago kayo mangbintang. Pero wala pala akong magagawa dahil perpekto kang nilalang. Sukdulan ang katalinuhan mo. Napakagalang mo sa lahat ng tao. Ikaw ang pamantayan ng kabaitan. Wala na po kaming mahihiling pa sa pagkaperpekto ninyo.

Pero sana makadaan rin sa napakalawak mong utak na wala kang pakialam sa mga tao. Insensitibo ka. At higit sa lahat, BASTOS KA. Pag ako ang may dahilan, isip-bata ako at walang kwenta. Batugan. Abuso. Wala sa lugar. Kapag ikaw, dapat tanggapin namin ang mga dahilan mo. Kaya ayos lang. Kasi pagod ka. Kasi inaantok ka. Kasi gutom ka. Kasi toxic ka. Kasi may gagawin ka pa. Kasi kaya ko na to. Kasi yung iba naman ang sabihan ko.

Nakakatawa. Ngayon mo pa talaga naisip ilabas ang saloobin mo. Inipon mo siguro iyon ng napakatagal na panahon. Nakakamangha na napakatagal mo na pala akong hinaharap ng peke. Ang tanga ko pala talaga. Akala ko nakahanap ako ng kaibigan na totoo, yun pala, imahinasyon ko na naman ang umiral. Akalain mo yun, sa kabobohan na naman pala nauwi ang pagtitiwala ko. Pero ayos lang. Sanay na ako.

Ikaw pa talaga ang may lakas-loob na pagsalitaan ako ng ganyan. Kesyo kilala mo ako. Na isip-bata, na walang alam, na tamad. Pasensya na ho, ser, ito lang ho ang kayang pag-isipan ng makitid kong utak. Hindi ko ho sinasadya na madawit ang napakalinis ninyong pagkatao. Di bale ho, sa susunod, hindi na ho kayo makakarinig ng anuman mula sa akin.

Salamat sa halos tatlong taong punung-puno ng panlilinlang. Ako ang nagkamaling magbigay ng buong pagtitiwala sa isang taong may masamang pananaw naman pala sa pagkatao ko. Pero dahil sa palagay ko, hindi ako masamang tao, sana makahanap ka ng kaibigang magpapakita sayo ng katotohanan, ngayon man o sa mas mahabang panahon pa.

Tagalog yan. Yun na lang.

posted from Bloggeroid

Fin.

Irresponsible. Disappointment. Poor patient care. Pacute. Immature.

I never thought that working towards a dream could be this heartbreaking. And it's even more crushing that those who call themselves my friends actually agree to all these qualities I'm accused of.

Hurtful, yes. But, oh well. Must be true, then. A little pain never killed anyone anyway.

posted from Bloggeroid

Sunday, November 22, 2015

Runner Up

Hello, it's me
I was wondering if after all these months, you'd like to meet
To go over some things
They say that time's supposed to heal you
But I ain't done much healing

Hello, can you hear me?
I'm in circles caught in daydreams about who we used to be
When we were younger and free
I've forgotten how it felt before the world crashed down on me

There lies such distance between us
And we're worlds apart

Hello from the other side
I must've tried a thousand times
To show you I'm here now
Keep breaking down in your arms
Every time she walks by
You leave and forget me

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I've tried
Though you don't say you're sorry
For breaking my heart
But it don't matter
It clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore

Hello, how are you two?
It's so typical of me to talk about myself, I'm sorry
I hope that you're well
Did you ever make it out of that phase
Of friends onward to lovers

It's no secret
That I've already
Ran out of time

So hello from the other side
I must've tried a thousand times
To show you I'm here now
Keep breaking down in your arms
Every time she walks by
You leave and forget me

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I've tried
Though you don't say you're sorry
For breaking my heart
But it don't matter
It clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore

Anymore
Anymore
Anymore
Anymore

Hello from the other side
I must've tried a thousand times
To show you I'm here now
Keep breaking down in your arms
Every time she walks by
You leave and forget me

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I've tried
Though you don't say you're sorry
For breaking my heart
But it don't matter
It clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore

posted from Bloggeroid

Thursday, April 30, 2015

Latch

One. Space for motion.
Two. Eyes closed.
Three. Heart aslumber.
Latch.

Four. Inches.
Five. Meters.
Six. Kilometers.
Latch.

Seven. Sight.
Eight. Mind.
Nine. Sweep.
Latch.

Ten. Find a way.
Nine. Make a way.
Eight. Do.
Latch.

Seven. Ready.
Six. Get set.
Five. Go.
Latch.

Four. Break.
Three. Mend.
Two. Take.

And, finally--latch.

posted from Bloggeroid

Monday, March 02, 2015

Desiderata

I know it just isn't. But why is it that in my heart of hearts, I'm somehow still waiting to be surprised?

In the greater scheme of things, some extraterrestrial force might be at work here. I feel like I'm constantly told to ease up on my grip, but every single time I try to let go, I end up holding on some more. That said, I now have opened up my horizons to new terrain, in which the friend gets crowned queen. Such a hard pill to swallow, but if it happens, well, then it happens. I am clearly not in the position to actually have a say about anything, so my thoughts shall remain thoughts... And I pray that my eyes remain expressionless, too.

My eyes- -yes, my eyes, in all their weird glory- -may, or dare I say, will betray me. What I just have to uphold, though, is the constant barricade that borders the iceberg that was once called my heart. The upside? Consistency. Despite the fact that fate really does enjoy kicking my royal ass.

You know what scares me right now, though? Somehow feeling that I've created my own kryptonite. And that my ultimate demise will be when it decides to present itself before my eyes. Add to that this nagging feeling that no matter how aware of it I may be, my world will crash and burn.

All. Over. Again.

posted from Bloggeroid

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Overdrive

I find it rather odd that I've (really) only felt how heavy my heart has been for the past few weeks, well.. A few hours ago.

While mindlessly trying to make a dent on tonight's required readings, a single push notification enticed me to check the dreaded blackhole that is Facebook.

It took a whole world of control to keep myself from bawling my eyes out because of what I read. There were a few tasteful tears, of course, but, somehow, I'm still trying to keep it together.

Because that's what I do.

But, as adjusted as I may seem, this funny little monster of an emotion keeps popping out any chance it can get. It's probably a little early to get all reflective, but one of the (if not THE) best messages I got was how I've been making some people proud of who I'm trying to be. Yes, it's unbelievably cliché. But it's also just the kind of motivation I need when my insides constantly demand me to let all this madness go.

Because everyday seemingly becomes a freaking decision to keep moving forward.

posted from Bloggeroid

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Baka Sakali

Baka sakaling sa isang mahimbing na pagtulog ay matutunan ng panahon na makalimot.
Baka sakaling sa isang gabi ng pagsusunog ng kilay ay matutunan ng utak na makaintindi.
Baka sakaling sa isang kisapmata'y maglaho ang pighati na dumadagundong sa pusong nananahimik.
Ngunit baka sakali ring sa isang iglap lang mawaglit ang ala-ala ng nagbabadyang pagpatak ng luha.

Baka sakaling tanging pagsibol ang tila hinahanap-hanap ng mugtong mga mata
Baka sakaling tanging pag-iintindi ang nais ng nagsusumigaw na ala-ala.
Baka sakaling tanging panaghoy ng balintataw ay ang nagpupumilit magpakita
Ngunit baka sakali namang tanging pagtighaw ng saloobin ang nais ring matamasa.

Baka sakaling naibahagi na ang di-mawaring kabuuan
Baka sakaling mistulang tikom na lamang ang kalakasan
Baka sakaling lumipas na ang tatag ng noo'y buo pang kakayahan
Ngunit baka sakaling bukas-isip at unti-unti nang maglaho ang pagsasadulaan

Marahil, sa dapit-hapo'y malaman ang hinagpis ng nakaraan
Marahil, takipsilim ang tagapagsaad ng mga diumano'y nabaon na sa limot
Marahil ay lumiban ang pangako ng bukang-liwayway
Marahil ay sa madaling araw manumbalik ang natatanging katotohanan

Dahil baka sakaling maaari pang tuklasin ang bikas ng kakulangan
At baka naman sakaling huwego lamang ito na 'di maiwas-iwasan
Ngunit baka sakaling inaantabayanan lamang ang pag-usbong ng kamalayan
O 'di kaya'y nais nang isakatuparan ang di-inaasahang katotohanan.

Marahil ay tapos na ang panahon na katuwang ng paghihintay
Baka sakaling hanap na ng kalakaran ang pagkakawalay
Hanggang kailan ang libangan na tila nakasanayan na
Na tila di kailanma'y maisantabi ng gunita?

Hindi mapalagay ang nababagabag kong diwa
Walang paubayang pagsalat ang tangan ng panhunab
Sa pag-ikot ba ng orasan ay maparam ang lipon ng mga palagay?

Marahil.

Maari.

Baka sakali.

Monday, January 12, 2015

Sin Palabras

It really baffles me how words affect people less. Maybe I just trust a little too easily, or probably because I think too much, but still.

As far as I know, being an adult requires a certain amount of responsibility, not just for yourself, but for others as well. Or it's possibly just how I was raised. Then again, isn't that what responsibility actually implies?

Unfortunately, right now is such a redundancy of maybes. If I don't write about it, my brain will burst from an insane amount of annoyance for wasted time and trust. Maybe, again, this is an exaggeration, but the prior week of exhaustion doesn't help, either. And to be given an argument that clearly does not help adds to the bull I've been dealing with since before I left home early this morning.

One thing remains clear--let's go back to the part where I said I mean what I say, shall we? The downside of spite directed towards friends is the double-edgedness, if there is such a word, of the situation: you either illicit something that gets brushed off, or create a solid kind of rift that takes time to go away. Especially if balls are nonexistent. And, if you really know how ladies function, you know point A will not always work for similar situations.

Because there will always be a glitch in the matrix.

Oh,Ye Guardians of Change, please come sooner.