i will not be able to exactly describe how blessed i have been this weekend.
amidst that whirlwind of a tribulation that surfaced these past few days, i managed to end the week on a happy note, smiling, as i type this oration. the epitome of my horrific emotional rollercoaster seemingly hit me hard this week--and all i could do was to leave my fate in the hands of fear and dread. i was paralyzed, yes. but i spent my days mostly in school and could not let the creeping depression eat me up. so i remained stoic, practically lifeless, as i trudged away on the tiled and carpeted floors i frequented.
the cherry on top of my disastrous parfait happened when one of my biggest fears slapped me with the inevitable. and my already imperfect string of weeks shattered my heart even more. i felt as though i was being pulled down by quicksand; i found my inner self screaming at the top of my lungs, with not one soul able hear me.
i had never allowed myself to break when i knew i had more things left to deal with. so i didn't. i had to harness what i felt, for the nth time, so that the people around me would not get affected. i smiled and laughed and tried to look awake all the time, while the depths of my soul wandered to the darkest places my sadness brought me to. i was always okay, always apologetic, always trying to be fine, good, nonchalant, happy and smiling as much as i could. no one caught on, which was probably a good thing, but i was silently screaming for someone to really see through my eyes and at least understand the pain.
in the most random of moments, i made myself believe that help was coming, that there was a way to relieve myself from all this torture, or that at least there was hope left for me to hold on to. but it never came, and i continuously sank into my despair's abyss.
Twitter became my semi-ally, while i tried to commit myself to just the limits of achievable personal effectiveness. i typed smiley upon smiley, and sugarcoated my sadness with mock inspiration and hope. the next morning made it even harder to contain-- the world's issues made itself known to me right when i needed silence and anonymity. i left for school with the heaviest of hearts, reeling in all that i had almost let out, and put on my usual poker face.
i found myself slowly breaking after posting some random sad Christmas tweet. i thought i could contain it, but alas, data analysis and statistics started to blur as my eyes welled up and widely opening them could not stop it anymore. as i headed somewhere private to pull myself together, it just got worse. it continued until i went back to my seat and really tried to get it out of my head.
i hate tearing up for no immediate reason, especially out in the open.
i hate that i don't completely understand why i'm crying.
i hate that i wasn't able to hold it in.
i hate feeling this sad.
but God really works in mysterious ways. He allowed me to spend the rest of the day with someone who doesn't judge, and who sometimes knows me better than i do myself. He brought one of my friends i fully trust to the rescue, who wholeheartedly listened to me and kept me company without any tinge of hesitation. with my true friends, i am allowed to feel pain, to cry, to rant, to just keep quiet, to spill my food, to just have woken up, to trip and fall, to be at my ugliest, to sing at the top of my lungs and hear my voice crack. i was, at long last, finally at home with my surroundings.
it was one of the longest moments of my life, where i had to remember all the pain i had locked up in my heart. i spoke as if it would instantly heal me, which it somehow did, as i watched my friend listen patiently. i know she knows it, but i'd just like to say that i really, REALLY appreciate that.
