Lech. Lech. Lech. Lech. Lech!!!!!

amidst the excitement of the upcoming block-slash-friends' party, i am still reeking of negative energy. why? i don't know. hah. whatever, man.

i hope everything goes well. :)

hahaha... i don't know why i'm freaking myself out over simple things, but, hell, i don't care. all i want is to sort out everything inside my mind.

please give me peace.

grr.

what the--???

grrr... the song?!?! reminiscient of the "gang's" old mis-adventures... hello, bakit pa ba... grr.

letters and dreams...

it still sucks to think that serious talk with some people will forever remain in the depths of every letter ever written to that person. oh well. some people are just pain in the behinds, cz they treat everything as a joke. ahem... generally speaking, of course.

yeah, right, jai.

anyways, whatever. this is how things are, so, jai, deal with it. :p

i have a culinary demo tomorrow afternoon, for pogi points for a certain someone. oh yes, it kind of freaks me out, knowing that this definitely makes it to the top 10 dumbest things ever done by yours truly, but hell--i'll take this over the guilt trip, thank you very much. jist? this demo is geared to winning over a friend's heart... by someone i used to know.

mental, huh?

just a thought: are letters made by women to the opposite gender always meant to be sapul? am just curious. and... why the crap do people pretend not to care when they really do? hayyy... it's probably for the best, considering the present sitution.

what could be more important that getting your life back on track? i'm currently stumped of all ideas. is this just thinking too much or am i really crazy to clutter my mind of all the pathetic obssessions i can possibly think of dealing with right now? i'm not sure. hell, now i'm more convinced that i am indeed dysfunctional.

like hell, i am.

dear 'bessy' has just told me she most probably can't make it tomorrow afternoon. now i'm going to be stuck with judgmental folks and live in utter embarrassment for the rest of my presently pitiful life. oh crap. so much for being cool.

anyway, i'll probably just go with the flow tomorrow. i'm doing him the favor, so he better shut up. or else. haha.

it still never ceases to amaze me how blissfully ignorant most humans are. yes, i may be among those merry men at times, but, i proudly declaim that the operative word in that statement is sometimes. hah. i'm good.

i hope my exit makes a statement... will it be considered submission? loss? resignment? i don't know. what's clear is that things are about to change. things WILL change. soon. i'm sorry, bessy, this is how it has to be. all comments and/or opinions aside, this is what i will have to do. so... world, wish me luck. it was nice knowing each and every one of you.

"i say, therefore, i am."

now's the right time to think that.

broken in silence...

hello, world.

yes, i'm feeling sad today. why? because i wasn't able to see my friend. too bad i can't go out anymore... it's just that i miss this girly girl so much, and i know she's feeling crappy right now, wherever she is. most probably, she is again ostracized by freaking people who treat her as if she's dirt.

awww... grr.

if only i wasn't 'illegally detained,' i'd accompany her until later tonight. hmph. if only.
i hope things are fine with her, though. she's been through the best of hell just recently, and i so want to help her feel better. for some reason, our sad moments always coincide with each other. we have the same bad days, and [usually] the same good days.Ü that's what's good, actually. at least we get to feel for each other. right now, though, i feel for her more... she'll be stuck with people who treat her like crap, with the sole exception of one being---who should be busy right now because of another person... so, technically, she'll be alone... no matter what people may say or do, she won't feel at ease anytime soon around them---because of certain things only WE can understand.

i really feel bad that i can't go anywhere else today... just when someone needs me so bad...

haaayyy... :'c

***by the way, happy birthday stel dear... miss you, girl.***

strange...

yes, people, things are strange.

as much as we all would want things to be 'normal,' they just can't be like that. for some reason, the Lord gives us way too much to think about--- oftentimes, we are obliged to do the understanding, and, in some lucky cases, we get to be pampered and understood.Ü

i know, i know. vague as ever again, huh?

doi.

anyways, my world has again turned upside down. i'm getting on with my life, yes, but, along with the coping stuff, i got a lot of other things i wasn't initially asking for.

after a very 'eventful' (if there is such a word) 6 months, i got sucked into another world i never imagined i would be in--- college(okay, fine. yes... among other things--er, worlds.). so, okay, it's not like i don't like it, but it's freaky as hell. but i don't care. i'm savoring every tiny bit of it.Ü

to get to my point, things are really strange. it's SO funny how things happen in the most unexpected way, and in the most unexpected moment. who would've thought that my life's most recent 'transition' would bring me unexpressable happiness? i don't know... for some reason, i feel like the loss i feel for suddenly not being with my closest cousin has been compensated for by another good friend. i'm not implying that my heart's space for my dear cuz has been filled by my other newfound 'bessy,' but, the blow of not having someone to talk to has seemingly been decreased as i've bonded with different people.

okay, so, it's just amazing that things are turning out fine for me now.Ü yeehah!Ü i'm not THAT happy, but, i know i can pull this off.Ü

so, on to the more complicated side of my slightly-improved happy life...

let's just put it this way: amidst the galaxy of happiness and contentment lies a black hole of confusion. i know i shouldn't be complicating things more for myself, but i can't help it. every single time i find my life getting back to how it used to be, in comes another concern, and then... i'm gone... obssess, obssess, obssess.

yes, i know. AGAIN:

RELAX. SEE A MOVIE.

ahh, whatever. blah, blah, blah. change topic.

one song keeps popping into my head since around 6pm tonight: Because Of You. Kyla's version. why? i don't know. reminiscient of old times, perhaps? not really. it's just constantly bombarding my already nerve-wracked brain. crap.

it's been so long since i last updated this blog. yes, anyatots, hindi na po ako nakakapag-update. though nakakatouch naman that you constanly check the developments of my dysfunctional world.Ü love you lots, dear!Ü

doi. it would have to take a miracle for me to be able to update the rest of civilization with everything that's happened to me for the past few weeks. i always say that, huh? but that's what's real, eh. it's tasking and insignificant to most of you anyway.

so, okay. i end my blabber here. until my next entry.Ü

hmmm... who would've thought?

who would've thought that today would be a good day?

no one. doi.

anyways, yadda, yadda, yadda. so today was great. big deal.

actually, it's a big deal for me. [am i a freak or what? i just keep on contradicting myself.] hah. wala lang, i just think that today's 'accomplishments' will be a foreshadowing of a 'calmer' tomorrow. i'm just a little relieved that people aren't turning mental on me.

that's good, right?

it just freaks me out that things happen so fast. it's like, one day, all of my friends and i are fine, and then now, most of them are freaking out. what's the deal? i thought they understood each other. and then there's this other thing about a girl we just started hanging out with, and then now, she doesn't even text us, cz she thinks we hate her guts. huh?! get real, man. what happened between her ex-boyfriend and our friend didn't have ANYTHING to do with her. it's just that her ex's an ******* and we can't stand him. too bad she's sooo in love with him.

oh well. to each his own.

hay nako. if only i can scream my lungs out now... i can't seem to write [er--type] everything i want to now... i have to let this out in another way...

basta, i'm happy today.

for some reason.

and it has nothing to do with the things i typed above.

vague, huh?

it's been a while...

wow. after 10 days pala, ha. cool.Ü

ouch.

wala lang.Ü hahaÜ

i had a super fun day today.Ü the 'girl group' has officially increased its number, and 2 new friends have come to life.Ü now, it's the pretty ones against the rest of the judgmental world. hah! :p

i learned [more!Ü] how to play billiards today.Ü cool teachers.Ü hahaÜ

okay, whatever. on to the serious stuff.

it's funny how much your perception of a person can change with just a few hours of bonding time with that particular human being.Ü this girl was actually so irritated at me when we first met, because she thought i was being a bitch to her. after a few days, though, we became extremely close after a couple of hours of chatting like crazy because we were stuck inside a friend's car together with no one else around.Ü it turns out, we had SO much to talk about, and SO much to be happy being friends about.Ü oh yes, we were both surprised that our personalities actually clicked, and that we would actually become really comfortable with each other.Ü mental, huh?Ü

the same case is true with the rest of the girly gang.Ü heehee...Ü at first, one of us was exaggely [if there is such a word] uncomfortable with me because she thought i hated her for accompanying one of my friends. which is why when i took a seat across her[she thought i would be bitchy to her because i'm allegedly 'irritated' at her], she kept on texting... and texting... AND TEXTING... and didn't talk to me unless i asked a question or whatever. after Lord knows how long, and the others started arriving, she suddenly admitted that she felt wildly uncomfortable speaking to me because she thinks i hate her guts. what the--? oh well. then, okay. true confessions followed, with all of us admitting that we were scared, uncomfortable, intimidated, irritated, et cetera, of each one of us initially. haha!Ü and now, we're all almost inseperable!Ü

funny!Ü

oh well. hmm... makes me think that maybe, this 'transition' is going to be more of an advantage for me, because i gained new friends, and i've TRULY seen the 'sides' of other people. good for me, huh?Ü at least i don't regret anything.Ü what matters is that i'm fine, and that i'll live.Ü

suddenly, i realize that i love my life so much after all.Ü

"...there's a rainbow always after the rain..."

 

DAY ONE: Sunday, 18 July 2004

curse this stupid format!!! the entire post i was previously typing got erased in ONE pressing of the blasted backspace button!!!

crap. now, no recap for you. grr.

:'c ..tears.. :'c

i can't understand myself. am i happy or am i sad? i don't really know.

crap. now i'm confused.

'one day more' has again, ceased to exist. oh well. there's still tomorrow. seriously, if this isn't dealt with tomorrow, i am gonna freak. i have to know what's next. i have to know what i'm--we're--supposed to do after all the crap we got ourselves in. it wouldn't hurt to clear some things, right?

so, tomorrow should be THE day.

i still can't understand myself. i should be bawling over some sad ending right now, thinking that my life has again turned into a living hell, but i'm not. i'm starting to think that i'm okay now, but really, i'm not... i guess it's really hard to get over these things, but sometimes, you just learn to momentarily forget about the crap you've recently been through just to get through a day. this coping tactic thing is weird. oh well. to each his own.

to be continued.

visions of a sunset...

kaya pala i so had the urge to write something under this title before pa...

nga naman... oh well. i guess the present situation passes for an upcoming sunset, eh? well, actually... the sun has already set. the sunrise, though, will not be seen for a little while. oh well. this is a start.

i always thought the idea of 'loving from afar' is nuts. i mean, yes, i know that's sad, but still... i just can't understand why people can't get over themselves and just tell the person they love how they feel.

well, now i do.

it's not because we love to get hurt, but because it's the best thing for the rest of the world. you may end up in tears every night for the rest of your life, but that saves you from the hell you'll be in when you go on with what you think is right.

i used to think that i could throw something i've invested on for a while that easily. you know--- without any emotional attachments, bad feelings, or whatever. but i was wrong. it turns out, i'm not as heartless as i once thought i was.

so much for being an actress.

i guess [and i'll never stop guessing]... there's just a point in your life when you realize so much. so much, to the extent of practically being ready to lose everything you have because of feeling useless. yes, it's unfair. i should be the one angry here, but i chose not to be. is this stupidity? martyrdom? or, as i've said before, shitheadedness? i don't know. what matters is that I CARE. enough to see the loss through something.

i don't want to feel regretful about this whole deal, because that would only mean i never wanted this to happen in the beginning. i mean, yes, i knew the inevitability of 'certain' things, but... i guess i'm just shocked that it had to happen so fast. oh well. i read somewhere that a guy's concept of speed is so unpredictable. unpredictable and unstable, as a matter of fact.

this morning, i ate out with my family after church. we went to this new japanese place in greenhills[which was, of course, another SCREAMING reminder of :him:], and i saw a friend from high school. so, yea, small talk. but at least we got to kind of catch up on stuff na din. so, anyways, when we got in and were comfortable, guess what song played?

i love you, goodbye.

not celine dion's version, though. but still. and my brothers wanted to get dessert, so we went to red ribbon, which was only a few streets away. yes, kuya jonel and i rode with kuya alkei to red riboon, and, again, SCREAMING REMINDERS OF :HIM: WERE ALL OVER THE PLACE. the leather seats, the music[TIPSY and a few other 'songs' played repeatedly, by the way. gee, thanks, kuya.], the smell[my goodness, the EXACT SAME ambi pur car freshener plus the slight cig smell.], hah! basically, EVERYTHING was screaming :him:. duh. this is kuya alkei we're talking about. oh well.

when we got home, i finally returned the call. yes, small talk. trying to sound casual though clearly jahe about the whole thing. now i'm thinking if 'things' really matter to this person. maybe, maybe not.

okay, so here's the deal: THE talk, at some coffee place near our own domains. i'm not complaining, just freaked that i'll be nervous as hell tomorrow considering the situation. public place... okay... keep yourself together, jaimie... cool it...

oh well. time to face the music.

naturally, :he: wanted to see me. :he: was even slightly frustrated when i said, 'if you don't want to meet, and you think everything's okay, then it's okay if we don't talk.'

here i go with my drama again.

but still... me wanting to straighten things out didn't mean :he: should agree with my terms, right? i'm not forcing anyone to talk to me.

although... ah, never mind.

when asked if i wanted to see :him:, i blabbed my answer which simply meant, "it's okay if i do." ah, shit. on the phone and i'm fumbling with what to say? hah. tomorrow should be interesting.

i'm still freaked. nerve-wracked. oh well. i guess, you just gotta do what you gotta do.

all my entries about this thing is filled with 'i guesses', huh? goes to show how unsure i am about the whole deal.

no 'i told you sos' from the world, please. i'm freaked enough, thank you very much.

tomorrow. 12 july 2004. 12 again. the same judgment day, only a month apart.

ONE DAY MORE.

"...just a day, just an ORDINARY day..."

"...today i heard them play the song again... an old familiar flame from way back when... but seasons change, and time erases the tears... as if it makes the feelings disappear..."

i know the lyrics aren't entirely correct, but still...

yes, it's july 10th today. the supposed 3rd month. oh well. shit happens. i guess i'll have to deal with it.

haay... i spent most of my time with my kuya today. i had this disturbing urge to go out this morning, and when i couldn't reach most of my friends, i finally got to talk to my brother. i had to convince him pa like crazy before he finally agreed to go out. pa'no kasi, we both were short on the money department. ewan... i just wanted to get out of the house. i don't know nga what that was, eh... was it because i just had to go out on a saturday? or because 'things' have changed and i wanted to distract myself from bawling over whatever that can NOT happen anymore given the present situation?

hmmm... i guess it's more of the second one. (and i think that little fact is one of the things that convinced my brother to accompany me waste my time somewhere...) you can't blame me, right? i mean, this is the FIRST. i'm not going to be a hypocrite and say that it doesn't make me sad at all, because it does. i'm not some heartless bitch who thinks it's entirely his loss that things are different. not to self-pity, but i'm sort of in the losing end too... i mean, i lost some things also, and those things, simple or complex as they may be, are hard to get back... no matter what people say...

it's funny how things sink in to me really slowly... i should've felt worse the day it happened, but... i think i'm realizing some things more now. i don't know why... i guess... i'm just really bothered, because i don't exactly know what went wrong. it's possible that i know the reason to this extreme situation, but i still question myself why things ended. what shit could i have possibly done for :him: to be able to decide on going for this transition? I HAVE NO IDEA.

i'm so weird. though i had so much fun today hanging with my brother, i feel empty, sad, and alone. it's this feeling that all of today's laugh trips and embarrassing moments [don't ask] still couldn't make me genuinely happy... i guess... i just have to get used to things? i don't really know. even my dad noticed that i don't look okay. he even kept on asking me why i was so malamya.

yea, yea. to the people reading this who knows my story, you'd think i'm crazy. a fool... oh, crap. here i go again... oh hell. i'll stop. i know i'm such a dumbass. but i can't help it. i'm affected. can you blame me? man, i went through hell and beyond for this, so i'm entitled to shitty feelings too. yes, martyr mode. i'm not THAT deranged, you know. i just feel bad, that's all.

my kuya and i left at around 2:00 a while ago, and we passed by the office for a while. after a few, off to galleria we went. i must say, the day kept on slapping me on the face with freaking reminders of :someone: i was once involved with. on our way to galleria, i heard 'knocks me off my feet' on the radio. so much for having a peaceful day. what else were the reminders? hmmm... the cars, their visors, the roads, the route, the MALL itself---every place was memory-infested, i could have choked to death right then and there. yes, women are naturally inclined to be memory-filled, i know, but i was caught off guard. i never thought it would feel this weird. i mean, to experience it first-hand now.

ah, the agony.

anyways, the movie place was, of course, memory-infested as well[come on, that was basically the only place we hung at whenever we'd go there.]. yes, i felt pangs in my heart, but that didn't stop the memories from coming back. so what if they did, right? i have a life. i better get on with it then. but, the thing is, i can't go on without remembering. i guess that's okay. it means i care. but hell, what keeps on happening is too much. memories bombard me like hell whenever and wherever i go.

so, to make the long story short, despite all of my brother's attempts to make me enjoy, i realized that every smile and every laugh we shared was half-hearted for me. i don't know why, but it's true. whatever people may say, i'm still not okay with this because i'm not an idiot, and i know i lost a part of myself too.

i told :him: once that losing what i had in a certain moment meant losing a part of myself as well. now, i'm really sure i'm right, because of what i'm feeling now. this may be confusion, stupidity, or just plain shitheadedness[if there is such a word], but again, I CAN'T BLAME MYSELF. i'm not insensitive. i got hurt too.

in the moviehouse a while ago, in the middle of the last chapter of the second kill bill movie's volume, i heard an alarm sound. i was, of course, alarmed, and my heart was pounding like crazy. i was so freaked that the mall may have been on fire or something, and i so wanted to get out of the moviehouse to check out the rest of civilization. when kuya asked a guard about the alarm, all he said was that it was faulty and that it was nothing. so we stayed at the end of the harang and watched the rest of the movie from there. i have to admit, i was panicking inside while watching the last part. i couldn't help checking out the people if they were starting to run already, because any time then, i was ready to run like hell. i even thought that today was the day i was going to die. wow. what a beautiful date to die. my third un-okay month. well, i should've looked at the bright side: at least i can now experience being visited by friends while confined in a hospital.

mental, huh?

now i hate myself. i'm getting too sentimental about the whole deal. it shouldn't matter if i'm sad, what should matter is that i learn to get over myself and be happy.

oh well. as they say, 'it happens to the best of us.'

i wouldn't consider me one of the best, but... ah, whatever. breathe, jaimie. get a hold of yourself.

pull yourself together, you pathetic loser.

ouch.

what's with this???

what the---???

7-July-2004 19:05:47
"Jaimie rose mojica,i rily mis being wit u.And i thnk i made d wr0ng dcsi0n.I jst wnt u 2 knw dat?"

again, i say, WHAT'S WITH THIS???

"...i'm not the one you're needing... i love you, GOODBYE..."

I Love You, Goodbye

Wish I could be the one
The one who could give you love
The kind of love you really need
Wish I could say to you
That I'll always stay with you
But baby that's not me
You need someone willing to give their heart and soul to you
Promise you forever, baby that's something I can't do
Oh I could say that I'll be all you need
But that would be a lie
I know I'd only hurt you
I know I'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

I hope someday you can
Find some way to understand I'm only doing this for you
I don't really wanna go
But deep in my heart I know this is the kindest thing to do
You'll find someone who'll be the one that I could never be
Who'll give you something better
Than the love you'll find with me
Oh I could say that I'll be all you need
But that would be a crime
I know I'd only hurt you
I know I'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

Leaving someone when you love someone
Is the hardest thing to do
When you love someone as much as I love you

Oh, I don't wanna leave you
Baby it tears me up inside
But I'll never be the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

Baby, its never gonna work out
I love you, goodbye

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

oh, the perks of being single.

YEA. YOU GUESSED IT.

it's pointless adding to the part I i wrote last night then, huh? oh well.

2 months, 28 days.

adjourned.

it's a mystery why people give so much time and attention to something and let it go after a while... it's just confusing that everyone invests so much on something they'd eventually give up on in the end. is it because of pagsasawa? or is it because the effort seems useless that there's just no point in going on with what you started?

i can go on all day thinking about this, but what will happen? will it bring back the past that i was already getting used to having?

this is not me ranting over something i just got used to. this is me thinking aloud about something that could have had something more. that could have turned out better.

am i sad? of course i am. that's just normal, considering this is the first event of my "welcoming to the REAL WORLD." i wouldn't be a hypocrite and say i'm not affected at all, because i am. it's impossible to be heartless after what i went through.

i had the longest ride going home today. yes, :he: picked me up from school. we never really talked on the way home, just small talk. and then, for the longest time, we both fell silent. it wasn't the comfortable silence we used to share, but the most uneasy one ever. i had no other choice but to look out the window. i knew something was going to happen, and i felt bad that things had to turn out that way.

it took me until after an overpass somewhere in sta. mesa before i could ask,

"may sasabihin ka ba sa akin?"

and then silence... i didn't know if it was because :he: was stalling, or because :he: just didn't have anything to tell me. and so i asked again.

"wala ka ba tala---"

in the middle of me blurting out the inevitable question was :his: reply:

"mamaya na..."

so there. without a doubt, he was stalling. it didn't feel right that he had to leave me hanging before i knew what he wanted to say. i couldn't do anything. i froze.

when we got to my house, :he: moved uneasily and faced me.

"alam mo naman siguro yung sasabihin ko, diba?"

that was all i had to hear to figure out what was happening.

i had a little talk with my kuya when i got home. of course, i did just what any sane little sister would do: i spilled the beans. yes, i was freaked that i was able to do that, but, whatever. i did it.

i was in the brink of tears when i told him, and all he asked was "ano'ng nangyari?" it felt easier, because he never told me to tell him about anything specific. and so i drew a breath, and then we talked. i didn't get a lecture or anything, we talked just like how we'd do every single time. i found out a few noteworthy bits and pieces about him, and i got a couple of good lines too. it really helps if you both are psychologists.Ü hahaÜ (wishful thinking.)

i have no idea why this had to happen now. i was prepared for this a few days back, but :he: dismissed everything i wanted to say and asked me if this was my solution to the problem. i didn't know what else i could do, because with all the time and effort i gave, he still wasn't happy. the 'it's not you, it's me' line he threw seemed pointless because i was sure it was of desperation. i don't want to say anything that would bother either one of us, because it's clear: some things are just not meant to be.

makes me think of what my kuya told me a while ago: "sa experience ko kasi, yung mga 'you and me against the world' na yan... madalas, hindi nagwwork."

oh well. things you find out about when what's done is done.

"It's hard to hold on to something you know would never be yours in any way you think of. You just have to learn to LET GO and face the fact that while 'good things never last'... SOME DON'T EVEN START..."

how true, how true.

confused as ever... AGAIN.

i am not in the mood to update you on the past week's events, i just want to confuse myself more. the recap of my hellish life since 01 july will have to wait.

******
PART I
******
today i found myself thinking of 'certain' things nonstop. (this is quite bothering to most people, because i actually was semi-quiet the whole day.) i don't know if this is good, but whatever. i just felt really lazy to be the jaimie i really am.

theo class was really enlightening, mainly because i had to endure an hour and a half of hiritans and patamas from the block, and, worse, from my teacher. the discussion was filled with 'slips of the tongue' which were, of course, daggers through my heart.

sus!!!

the things you get for trying so hard to be vague... oh well.

i am still pure, thank you very much.Ü to those who are still freaked, i meant for nadala to be nadala sa decision, as in statements that were said. nothing more than that. hay... life...

a song

"...cz i'm dying inside to hold you... i couldn't believe what i've felt for you... dying inside, i am dying inside, but i couldn't have the chance to touch you..."

living is great. loving is even greater. BUT--- life stinks, and love stinks too.

sometimes.

"nadala." how sad. just when i was beginning to feel happy for all the right reasons (at least i think so), things had to go back to zero. i'm disappointed. you are too. i wouldn't be okay with this. same with you. but still, we decided that things should be this way. fine.

i'm happy, though. at least i did not lose everything. just most of what would really make me overly happy. maybe i'm just not feeling it much yet, cz this is new... but i think i'll manage. i know you won't be able to keep things this way naman. and i'm sure i can't, either.

labo.

so why should it be like this? because this is where it's going to start. and we're trying to keep things balanced. well, one thing's for sure: balance can NEVER be achieved through this decision, but, i guess, it's worth a try. you said so yourself, if this works, we'd be happier. if not, i guess things will go back to their usual more complicated state. i'm willing to gamble, but not too much. just enough that i know my limits---what i can and can not do.

i always play safe, huh? i know. it sucks. but that's what i need to keep my sanity. i know you understand. i also know that you're struggling to keep yours, too.

we both understand what we are headed for and where we are headed to. we both lost control. we both know what to do. it's just that we are both confused, and the decision is of the extreme. hah. like we can pull this off.

[the more positive side of me>>>] of course we can. we're working together, right? hand-in-hand. it's not going to be easy. no one said it would be. even before we decided, we knew this would bring us hell before we could pull it off. but hey, we know the consequences and we also know its perks. we're gambling. we rock.Ü

a song... that's what eveything is.

"Kht wla naman prize e.As long n i get 2 u dats enough n e..."

holding on.

i could not ask for more ÜÜÜ

Lying here with you/ Listening to the rain/ Smiling just to see the smile upon your face/ These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive/ These are the moments I'll remember all my life/ I found all I've waited for/ And I could not ask for more//

Looking in your eyes/ Seeing all I need/ Everything you are is everything to me/ These are the moments/ I know heaven must exist/ These are the moments I know all I need is this/ I have all I've waited for/ And I could not ask for more//

I could not ask for more than this time together/ I could not ask for more than this time with you/ Every prayer has been answered/ Every dream I have's come true/ And right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be/ Here with you here with me//

These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive/ These are the moments I'll remember all my life/ I've got all I've waited for/ And I could not ask for more//

I could not ask for more than this time together/ I could not ask for more than this time with you/ Every prayer has been answered/ Every dream I have's come true/ And right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be/ Here with you here with me//

I could not ask for more than the love you give me/ 'Coz it's all I've waited for/ And I could not ask for more/ I could not ask for more//

am still bored...

hear, hear!!! post number two...

Tuesday, March 02, 2004 5:28 am

finally!!! :)

haaaayyy...
FINALLY... the -initial- stress is officially (hmmm... missing you??? harhar...) OVER!!!
well, not quite...
another stressful event- er- PRODUCTION is coming, and i am freaking out again... my blessed UC friends are watching (well, that's what they said...), and they will see me in my BEAUTIFUL role... hell... i'm on my way to embarrassing myself to the last drop of my sanity... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
oh well.
that's life.
yes, kim AND julius, i know. RELAX. SEE A MOVIE.
awww.... GROUP HUG.
anyways, at least my restraining prowess will finally get tested. come on, let them see me in my shabby glory and they will die laughing.
BRING IT ON.
i'm preparing myself now... i'm headed for a life filled with ridicule after friday AND/OR saturday. whatever.
oh what bliss.
oh joy.

***the TELON days. ahh... the life of blood, sweat, and tears. i still miss those days of torture. hahaÜ st.paul, i'm out of your boundaries now.Ü

life is good.Ü

boring...

due to unparallelled boredom, i'm currently resurrecting my old posts (in a different blog, by the way) and will soon repost them. just treat them as archives, because they're from early this year pa...

hahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaahhhh...ÜÜÜ

Tuesday, February 10, 2004, 9:04 pm

stress... pressure... tension... stress... pressure... tension... stress... pressure... tension... stress...

finally used this thing.
stress. pressure. tension.
aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yes, KIM, i know. RELAX.
everything is freaking me out. i am nerve-wracked. aaaaaaaahhhh!!!!!!!!!

***in the peak of my pressure-infested and stress-covered pre-debut life, i had no other choice but to seek sanctuary... comfort courtesy of my computer.Ü ahhh...Ü this is the life.Ü

"...it's a long, long journey..."

i'm sad.

yes, i miss someone. grr. i suck. i never thought it would be this way. hmph. and i used to think i rock. oh well, we'd all fall sometime. pretty much doesn't justify the "queen of the world" title now, eh?

crap.

i had to endure a train ride from legarda to katipunan and a long walk to bento box a while ago. it wasn't really tiring, it's just that i was too down to even sit somewhere. i guess... ah, forget it. i didn't even know how we got to the place without me complaining my sorry behind off.

ooh... the wonders of sadness.Ü

anyways, we (friend A and i) were supposed to meet an atenean friend (friend B) at bento box at 6pm, but, as fate would dictate it, showed up an hour later. just when friend A thought friend B was making up for lost time...

aah... the fireworks.

nothing happened, really. a few icy stares at friend B did the trick. and that's the game!!! poor souls. i feel for both of them, though... they have their own points. it's just that they shouldn't be including those in their conversations anytime soon, or else... oh my... all hell can and WILL break loose.

i just got word that i finally have an audience from the rebel group i call my blockmates.Ü yay, i get to spread my viral disease a.k.a. insanity-covered weirdness their way. hahaÜ coolness.Ü

i stuffed my pitiful mouth with all the comfort food i could find a while ago... for some reason, i felt really bad. i know it's going to sound gross, but the stuff i ate (and drank)(courtesy of the caf, by the way) with my blockmates were as follows: mangga with bagoong, a donut, mojos, fishballs, sago at gulaman, tofi luk, grape mentos, and who knows what else... yes, i reek. i know that. it's actually so "un-me" to vent my sadness on food... usually i philosophize and drive people crazy... but, i guess, things change. don't count on this being a usual thing, though. i will STILL revert to philosophizing and driving people nuts. after all, that IS what i do best.Ü

mwahahahahaaaaaaaaaahhhhh...ÜÜÜ

oh, and before i forget... i'd like you all to welcome the new addition to my family--- my new daughter, maiane.Ü hahaÜ

"...i'm tired of being alone... so hurry up and get here... so tired of being alone... so hurry up and get here..."

"Ok lng yan parehas lng tyo ng nfifil ngyn hehe.Ü mis u 2.Love u"

score!!!ÜÜÜ

come to think of it, my day wasn't so bad after all.

"...i've got all i've waited for... and I COULD NOT ASK FOR MORE..."

"...why do i love you if loving you only means bitter thoughts when you are near and yet so far?... what more can i do but dream of you?... cz only there i can hold you close to me..."

forget that.

i'm happy.ÜÜÜ

i love holidays. they don't really matter to most people, but they give the deserving ones a break from the hassle they get in school. well, i wouldn't call school a hassle, but there are some things in there that makes going every single day a hassle. well, yeah, duh---some things make it less of a hassle too, okay... but... ah. never mind.

i'm such a freak. i've been giddy-happy since yesterday afternoon, and have been smiling like hell since last night. yes, and guess what? when i woke up this morning, i couldn't stop smiling either. hahaÜ issue!!!Ü

i guess it's the memory of last night. it would be sad if i wrote about it, because i wouldn't be able to give justice to what i really felt. besides, i think it's good for me to keep the memories somewhere else first... and be selfish for now... the best i can do is type pangpabitins to really infuriate some people (like anya, for example.Ü hi anyatots!!! luv ya!Ü). hahaÜ

okay, ym's going to make me suffer really soon... i'll be flooded with offlines and be greeted with buzzes everytime i go online because of what i'm doing. please... have mercy on me(to those who really care about all the stuff that's happening to me)... hahaÜ oh well. c'est la vie.

i love my blockmates. i love my "kids." i have 4 new "kids" now---steph, kit, jennah, and the new addition to the bunch---alex. again, this long-lost alias of mine will be resurrected, and my college days will be dominated with a single name: MOMMY.

my kids are so cute.Ü steph has an infectuous laughter and a high-pitched(very, if i may add) voice. (well, not as freaky as meow's.Ü hahaÜ kiddingÜ) kit's an angel---she barely speaks, but when she does... haha!!!Ü ask jennah!!!Ü jennah's my favorite "chihuahua."ÜÜÜ i just love that move, dear.Ü and, last but not least, there's alex. sweet girl, and she blends in like crazy.Ü you'll never think she wasn't (initially) one of us.Ü

i'll be looking forward to more chillouts with you guys. i love you all.Ü especially your dad.Ü yihee... yeccchhh... hahaÜ

"...oh happy day..."

life is good.

"...i've found all i've waited for... and I COULD NOT ASK FOR MORE..."

today is a happy day. i'm happy today. i said so myself a while ago.

i'm too happy to write--type--anything. the kwento for you all will have to wait.

coolness.

life is sweet.

i love 23 june 2004.ÜÜÜ

the reason

I'm not a perfect person/There's many things I wish I didn't do/But I continue learning/I never meant to do those things to you/And so I have to say before I go/That I just want you to know//

I've found a reason for me/To change who I used to be/A reason to start over new/and the reason is you//

I'm sorry that I hurt you/It's something I must live with everyday/And all the pain I put you through/I wish that I could take it all away/And be the one who catches all your tears/Thats why i need you to hear//

I've found a reason for me/To change who I used to be/A reason to start over new/and the reason is You [x4]//

I'm not a perfect person/I never meant to do those things to you/And so I have to say before I go/That I just want you to know//

I've found a reason for me/To change who I used to be/A reason to start over new/and the reason is you//

i've found a reason to show/A side of me you didn't know/A reason for all that I do/And the reason is you//

tuesday. ONE DAY MORE.

tuesday.

again.

there's NOTHING to be happy about when you have a schedule that sucks like hell such as mine. the morning subjects are fine, but starting 2:30... i'd GLADLY do anything to get home. 230-4, math 101. 4-7, zoology 101(lab).

since i naturally stink at math... no comment. zoo101-L?!?! the subject's fine, actually, but with teachers like mine... my goodness, you'd wish you were in a different school. okay, slight exaggeration--- you'd wish you were in a different class.

tuesdays suck, thursdays suck even more, and the rest of the weekdays seemingly become pains in the behind. if only i had more encouragement to go on with my pitiful college life... oh well. i'll pull through.

survival of the fittest. (elimination of the weak? ...kei?)

well, actually, i'm not condemning my school and college, am just freaked that things are weird now pa lang. haayyy. life.

i actually have a reason to go on... and the reason is... YOU. hahaÜ at least, i get to have a life now--- a little more freedom, a little more space i can wiggle in.Ü

surprisingly, commuting has been giving me advantages, just minus the sad fact that i get sick, the traffic's bad, i get rained on, and it's a struggle. i can move on my own now. i'm starting to have sense of direction. FINALLY. (*applause*)

yes, thank you very much, thank you all. no autographs please.Ü

tomorrow's a WEDNESDAY!!! steph's fave day... and i'm beginning to love the day too... hmmm... i wonder why?... hmmm... doi. everyone knows anyway. so, might as well, right? coolness.Ü

hahaÜ life is good.Ü

i don't know what will happen tomorrow, but i'm praying for a miracle. i hope things will get even better after i evaluate things tomorrow night. i don't want to expect, but... since things look promising... oh whatever.

as they say, expect the unexpected.

whatever happens, i'll have to be ready for it.

"...that would be all i need to know..."

...

i'm happy.

i am.

i can prove it.

yes, it may be bordering on the insane and mababaw, but still, i'm happy... isn't that enough?

but i don't fully understand why i say i'm happy...

despite all the crap that's happening to me...

why am i worrying now that i feel i'm happy?

am i really happy?

i think i am.

but a lot of people are hurt... everyone's worrying... and i'm worried too... why do i feel guilty? is it because i know i hurt people through my actions? or because this might be wrong? i'm beginning to get confused.

BIG step. what's done is done.

help!!!

33 things.Ü

1. YOUR zodiac sign?
*** pisces

2. SiNGLE OR TAKEN?
*** taken

3. iF TAKEN, BY WHO?
*** ---- ------ -- ---- ------

4. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SERiOUSLY HURT BY THE PERSON YOU LOVE/D?
*** yea...

5. WHAT WOULD BE YOUR REASON iF YOU TURNED SUiCiDAL?
*** i'm out of my mind.

6. iS SUiCiDE REALLY KiLLiNG YOURSELF?
*** literally or figuratively?

7. PREFER COUNTRY OR CLASSiC?
*** classic.Ü

8. PREFER CUTE/iDiOT OR SMART/UGLY?
*** smart/ugly? that has some possibilities naman din, ah. besides, "beauty is in the eye of the beholder," right?

9. ARE YOU iN A STABLE RELATiONSHiP WiTH YOUR BF/GF/CRUSH?
*** mej...

10. YOU`D EXPECT A TEXT MESSAGE USUALLY FROM:
*** ---- ------ -- ---- ------ or the rents

11. HAVE A BEST FRiEND THAT iS iN THE OPPOSiTE GENDER? WHO?
*** yes... at least i still think so--- jr guevarra.Ü

12. WHAT DO YOU LiKE DOiNG WHEN YOU`RE DEPRESSED?
*** usually, i listen to sad senti music while thinking, and i stare at the ceiling... or... i write while listening to sad senti music... or i do anything similar to the previous ones stated.

13. CHEERFUL OR BORiNG?
*** both. mostly cheerful, though... sometimes pa, overly cheerful (perky na nga...).

14. DESCRiBE A PERFECT DATE.
*** though perfection could never really be achieved, i'll just say... having fun, being in the right place at the right time, saying and/or doing the right things, making sense out of nonsensical ideas, being perfectly happy and contented with where you are and who you're with... basically working with another person to make your day seem blissful. that's enough to make it "perfect," right?

15. EVER WONDERED WHY NOBODY KNOWS WHY THE SKY iS BLUE? WHAT DO YOU THiNK?
*** actually, some people do... literally, i mean. physics-related information... i'd rather not elaborate on this, thank you very much. on the other hand, people may have their own interpretation of why they feel or see that the sky is blue, diba? that's another fact to consider. i don't really think about that, but i'd rather not analyze that na lang din.Ü

16. EVER BEEN HURT BY LOVE?
*** yea, i guess...

17. WiLL YOU EVER MAKE THE SAME MiSTAKE AGAiN? WITH LOVE???
*** you never know...

18. EVER HATED ANYONE LiKE HELL?
*** there were moments...

19. DO YOU DO ANYTHiNG WHEN A PERSON BREAKS UP WiTH YOU AFTER ONE DAY?
*** never happened.

20. GiVE ONE WORD THAT BEST DESCRiBES WHAT YOU`RE FEELiNG NOW.
*** dramatic

21. DO YOU BELiEVE iN YOURSELF?
*** usually.

22. EVER PHYSiCALLY HURT YOURSELF?
*** yea... when i got really frustrated. i couldn't vent my frustration on anyone else kasi, so, sakin nalang...

23. EVER VERBALLY HURT YOURSELF?
*** that would be stupid, but, yes, i've done that a couple of times na din...

24. MOTTO iN LiFE.
*** life doesn't hold tryouts.
*** live the dream. make it happen.
*** i say, therfore, i am.
*** don't dream it's over.

25. HAVE YOU EVER DOUBTED THAT^ SOMETiMES?
*** yes...

26. HAVE YOU EVER HAD *EXTRA* FEELiNGS ABOUT A BEST FRiEND FROM THE OPPOSiTE GENDER?
*** sort of...

27. iF YES, WHAT DiD YOU DO ABOUT iT? iF NO, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
*** nothing... we're best friends, and the "extra" feelings weren't too deep anyway.

28. iS FAME & MONEY THE MOST iMPORTANT THiNGS iN YOUR LiFE?
*** of course not.

29. DO YOU MAKE ANY MOVEMENTS OR SOUNDS WHEN YOU`RE SLEEPiNG?
*** i think...

30. ARE YOU DiFFiCULT TO WAKE UP?
*** sometimes, yes.

31. HOW OFTEN DO YOU SLEEP?
*** depends on how tired i am, and also on how much time i have.

32. ARE YOU CONVENiENT WiTH THAT?
*** not really, but you gotta do what you gotta do. enjoy it while it lasts.

33. LAST, HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT YOU WERE PERFECT?
*** never.

reasons...

okay, call me confused.

i must say, confusion has broadened my take on things... i think even more now, and i feel a little better... i don't really know if i'll get through this mind state, but it pretty much doesn't matter at this point. i'm stuck here. i'm lost for life.

i just think it sucks that some people are born--umm...--"unconventional." i mean, not weird unconventional, but in a "different-kainis-unconventional" sort of way. they think that everything can be accomplished by pitiful means, and they take most things for granted. they treat things as if it's a game. i mean, get real, man. life is a game, but it doesn't mean you should screw sense AND sensitivity (not sense and sensibility, ha. as in being sensitive.) to the ground. being a little human wouldn't hurt naman, right? people should try that sometimes.

kainis. i was in the process of thinking that i've had a good day, but things just had to get shitty. shittiER, i mean, because i dismissed a few "wrong" moments in the duration of the night. well, now, i remember every single kainis moment. oh joy.

why reasons? i don't really know... reasons for my actions? for being very "un-jaimie-like?" or for making things come to this point? well... right now it could be all of those, or maybe none pala.

i'm such a freak.

good news, people: i've finally had a real drinking experience. my lame attempts to drink before tonight(er... this morning...Ü) had been short-lived, because of varied reasons. but, unexpectedly, nothing counter-attacked my decision of finally giving in to the whims of some of my friends. and so, i drank. but, sad to say, I DID NOT GET DRUNK. hahaÜ who would've thought that i'd have a high tolerance for liquor? i myself was very surprised. darn it---my cousin (who drinks way more often than me) pa was the one who wanted to give up at once. score!Ü hahaÜ kiddingÜ even all our friends were surprised... oh my goodness... well, what's good is that i refused to drink na after a few rounds. eww... think about getting drunk in a public place. i don't want to humiliate myself in front of people i don't know, thank you very much.

but still, oh my goodness...

i'm not particularly proud of what happened, but i just wanted to let the world know. there's nothing wrong with that anyway, right?

i hate myself. i should've went out with my brother last night... oh crap. "nasa huli ang pagsisisi." if only i wasn't lazy... drat. i could've had a taste of my brother's gimmick agenda and everything that goes with it. and he kept on telling me after that he had a good time. not very, but he was at least okay with what happened.

aaaaaaahhh... my thoughts are all tangled up. my mind is such a mess. well, actually... i am a mess. oh well.

i shouldn't have...

if only i weren't too nosy, i wouldn't have seen someone's friendster thing. then maybe i wouldn't be feeling stupid...

oh crap.

now i see why i people hate me...

but then, that was 3 days ago... and today... things changed... so, why the hell am i ruining the rest of my "improved" day feeling shitty??? hell again. i hate myself.

once again, friendster has made me feel like dirt. my life is, all over again, a living hell.

and i thought today became THE best day.

"...can we just stop and talk awhile...?"

"early yet to say what lies ahead, it's the first day of the rest of our lives..."

wala lang, i just thought that song line's so in tune with how (and what) i'm feeling right now.Ü

something highly unusual happened last night... mr. 10,000 promises actually arrived. oh well. good thing i was prepared. and, yes, friends, :he: stayed for a while. nothing out of the ordinary happened, though. everything just appeared to be a little tense. yes, the presence of his pitiful attempts to amuse me was utterly obvious, but nothing else is new. except... for a lame suhol brought to life by a single crunch chocolate bar. hmph... if i know... that was from our friend's dad (he just arrived from abroad)... i mean, get real. it's not like mr. 10,000 promises is on top of my "sweetest people" list. someone must've told him to do that, or he must've been full already, so he decided to give me the last chocolate bar...

grr...

fine.

benefit of the doubt. (hmph... and the fact that crunch is one of my favorites DOES NOT help at all.)

oh well. life sucks. at least he proved me wrong this time.

tonight, however, is of a different story. he better not ditch the rendezvous to get drunk with his friends or else...

it just sucks that i won't get to reinvent myself much now. no matter what i do, i'll still get sucked into the same world i was in highschool. grr. i want a chance to direct my own life. to establish a new image. to get where i want to in my own terms. hell, i'll probabaly still be chased by my "unwanted" identity...

ooh... the horror, the horror...

just please... i want to be my own person and not just somebody some girl used to know back in highschool or whatever.

"...and i am barely breathing, i can't find the air... don't know who i'm kidding, imagining you care... and i can't stand here waiting, a fool for another day... i don't suppose it's worth the price, the price i have to pay... and i'm thinking it over anyway...."

life's like this.

that's the way it is.

haha... sorry... last post of the day.ÜÜÜ and this isn't another survey.Ü

might as well use this thing to promote...

http://jai18.friendtest.com

ÜÜÜ

tops...

okay... i'm bored like hell, so here's another one:

TOP 3 MEN IN UR LIFE
1. dad
2. kuya
3. jay

TOP 3 COLORS U LIKE
1. purple
2. periwinkle
3. tan

TOP 3 SPORTS
1. tennis
2. soccer
3. softball

TOP 3 BOOKS YOU’VE READ
1. a walk to remember
2. the twelfth angel
3. the alchemist

TOP TV SERIES
1. charmed
2. friends
3. csi

TOP 3 PLACES YOU WANNA VISIT RIGHT NOW
1. boracay
2. europe
3. ontario, canada (to see my friend)

TOP 3 ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES
1. vodka ice
2. bailey's
3. mule

TOP 3 SHOPS YOU WANNA SPLURGE IN
1. h&m
2. mango
3. claire's

TOP 3 DESSERTS U WOULD GO BINGEING GRANTED YOU WON’T PACK A CALORIE!
1. chocolate decadent
2. chocolate-caramel cake
3. chocolate thunder from down under (outback)

TOP 3 ALL-TIME FAVE PIG OUT FOOD
1. pasta (especially from cibo, sbarro, and fazoli's)
2. pizza
3. ice cream and brownie desserts!!!

TOP 3 PERFUMES/COLOGNES
1. P: armani white/ C: victoria's secret vanilla lace
2. P: lacoste pour femme/ C: victoria's secret love spell
3. P: hugo woman/ C: gap dream

TOP 3 SCENTS FOR HIM/HER
1. clinique happy (men)
2. ck one
3. hugo elements aqua/ armani black

3 THINGS YOU CAN’T LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT
1. cellphone
2. lip balm/gloss
3. earrings

3 PERSONS U WANNA EVAPORATE
1. cindy
2. cindy's sidekick
3. my not-so-close-anymore cousin's most recent ex

i hate this. i'm STILL bored and tired.

do you think you are... ?

i came across this survey-slash-bulletin board post from one of my (ahem...) acquaintances, and... well, you get the idea: friendster's bulletin board is actually starting to suck because of all the crappy surveys and tongue-lashing from quite a number (yes, okay. guilty. myself included, in some instances.) of (ahem... again.) "warfreaks" and people who couldn't think of anything better to do in the pitiful (and often uneventful, if there is such a word) moments in their lives. so, to cut the crap, i decided to answer this blessed survey here.Ü


DO YOU THINK YOU ARE...]
pretty = well... (beauty IS in the eye of the beholder after all, right?) in some ways, maybe... :p
funny = i guess, if that excludes (the possible overdoing of) slapstick. (some people just don't get the point. grr.)
hot = again---this time, rather---, i say: HOTNESS is in the eye of the beholder.Ü
friendly = very.Ü
amusing = in what sense, exactly? a lot sees this word in all sorts of ways.
ugly = of course not. i wouldn't degrade myself that much, thank you very much. (huh?sounds redundant. whatever. :p)
loveable = hell yea!Ü
caring = yeayeayea!Ü
sweet = "I DO, I DO, I DO, I DO-OOOO!!!Ü"
dorky = er... um... i have my moments.

[FAVORITE...]
5 letter word = stage, heart, spell, dance, faith, truth, space, alive, beach, dream, think, drama, queen ÜÜÜ
actor/actress = hard to narrow it down, but... ewan mcgregor or sascha radetsky/natalie portman or nicole kidman
candy = top 3 (for now): grape sugus, fruit tella, and grape mentos
cartoon = nothing (i think) will beat the classic looney tunes.Ü or disney stuff--- cinderella, sleeping beauty, the little mermaid, pocahontas, brother bearÜ
cereal = honey stars!!!ÜÜÜ
chewing gum = bubble yum
color = purple/lavender, periwinkle
color combination = masquerade colors!!! hahaÜ
color nail polish = nude beige/apricot beige, black, clear, and i loved deep purple recently lang!!! hahaÜ recital polishÜ
day of week = friday. and saturday, for some unknown reason. hahaÜ
least fave day = sunday (bracing-myself-for-school day)
flower = GERBER DAISIES!!!ÜÜÜ
jell-o flavor = grape
jewelry = earrings, a fine necklace, and a bracelet.Ü

[Person who last...]
slept in your bed = chim
saw you cry = chim
made you cry = jay
you went to the movies with = jay, roy, dax, angel
yelled at you = my mom
sent you an email = julius

[Have you ever...]
said "I love you" and meant it? = of course.
gone out in public in your pajamas = not really... i guess if you consider "camp moments," then yes.
kept a secret from everyone = yea.
cried during a movie = yep. last was troy. (didn't cry because of the movie, though... hmmm... what could that be about? or, if ever, who?)
planned your week based on the TV = yea, when i had too many tv shows to watch
been on stage = hell yea. and i love it.
wished you were another gender = well, yes... but that was when i was faced with an impossible situation.

[This or That...]
apples or bananas = bananas
blue or red = purple? hehehÜ red.
spring or fall = spring. come on, we don't have fall here, do we?
what are you gonna do after you finish this = make another quiz for the friend test thing and make a blog for my friends.Ü
what was the last meal you ate = is champorado considered a complete meal?
are you bored = kind of...
last noise you heard = some buzzing sound from the tv program (ET)
last smell you sniffed = nada

[Friendship/Love]
do you believe in love at first sight = sometimes
do you want children one day & if so, how many = two or three, maybe.
most important thing to you in a relationship is = honesty. you'll learn to love and trust the person once that's present.

[Other Info]
criminal record = i don't think i have any. but, well... is insanity supposed to be included in this?
do you speak any other language = yea. english(duh.), and a little of french, spanish, and chinese.
last book you read = the legacy of merlin (a charmed book)
name some of your favorite things in your bedroom = my bags, clothes, shoes, and accessories (hahaÜ kikayÜ), my pieces, notebooks, pens, lyric sheets, books.Ü

[You]
nickname(s) = jai, jaims, miejai, cinderella
how old do you look? = excuse me? don't you mean how young?
how old do you act? = waaay beyond my age... but i can be really immature sometimes.
glasses/contacts = glasses (i got new ones!!!Ü nice.Ü)
braces = never
do you have any pets? = yea. puro dogs.
what makes you happy = in the mababaw sense? being with my friends/ around everyone who loves me, appreciation, trust, honesty.
what upsets you = being alone and unappreciated, being taken granted of, bad luck

[Finish the sentence]
I Love to = perform.
I Miss = my life.
I Wish = things would turn out the way i want them to--- for once.
I Hope = i have a good first day tomorrow.
I'm Annoyed with = the immaturity of some people.
I Want to be = loved and appreciated.
I Would Never = EVER break my principles all at once again.
I'd Rather be = someplace else right now.
I Am Tired of = being nissunderstood.
I Will Always have = myself to fall back on.

i guess this pretty much says a lot about me now, huh?

i hope.

"come on over, come on over, baby..."

crap.

someone's supposed to come over tonight to return a few of my friend's magazines... and i'm 99% sure he won't show up (exactly why i wrote---er---typed supposed to). oh well. i'm not really expecting him to come, anyway.

typical.

well, duh?! it's not like this person is THE king of promises, you know. FYI: he breaks every single one of his promises almost every chance he gets. i don't know why i'm counting mistakes here all of a sudden, but hell, whatever. this is release.

i'm actually unsure of what will happen tonight, but whatever. i just hope i get the reaction both me and my cousin wants. hahaÜ and i'm praying that what we've predicted long before materializes. really, that would be something.

if ever it happens, oh well. c'est la vie. :p

as they say, "revenge is sweet."

"...don't know why, i can't find the words... to say..."

Can you help me I'm bent/ I'm so scared that I'll never/ Get put back together/ Yeah, you're breaking me in/ And this is how we will live/ With you and me...bent

Everyone is changing/ there's no one left that's real/ to make up your own ending/ and let me know just how you feel/ cause I am lost without you/ I cannot live at all/
my whole world surrounds you/ I stumble then I crawl

There it goes up in the sky/ There it goes beyond the clouds/ For no reason why/ I can’t cry hard enough/ No, I can’t cry hard enough/ For you to hear me now

Everytime I try to fly/ I fall without my wings/ I feel so small/ I guess I need you baby/ And everytime I see you in my dreams/ I see your face, it's haunting me/ I guess I need you baby

It's another long and sleepless night/ And thoughts run through my mind/ Guess I'm just feeling lonely/ It's been so empty since you've been gone/ I'll be holding on for it won't be long/ I'll be counting the days till I see you home/ I know you feel the way I do/ So just remember these words I'll say to you

"Never look back," we said/ How was I to know I'd miss you so?/ Loneliness up ahead, emptiness behind/ Where do I go?/ And you didn't hear/ All my joy through my tears/ All my hopes through my fears/ Did you know, I still miss you somehow/ From the bottom of my broken heart/ There's just a thing or two I'd like you to know/ We could have worked things out/ Taking time is what love's all about/ But you put a dart/ Through my dreams, through my heart/ And I'm back where I started again/ Never thought it would end/ You promised yourself/ But to somebody else/ And you made it so perfectly clear/ Still I wish you were here

Coz baby can't you see/ That I'm hurting inside/ All the tears I can't hide/ Life is never easy without you baby/ I want you to know that I'm hurting inside/ The pain is deep inside I can't mend it/ Wishing you would come to ease the pain in my heart/ Coz lovin' you just hurts deep inside

I don't wanna fight no more/ I forgot what we were fighting for/ And this loneliness that's in my heart/ Won't let me be apart from you/ I don't wanna have to try/ to live without you in my life/ so i'm hoping we can start tonight/ cause i don't wanna fight no more

Don't wanna close my eyes/ Don't wanna fall asleep/ 'Coz I'd miss you baby/ And I don't wanna miss a thing/ Cuz even when I dream of you/ The sweetest dream would never do/ I'd still miss you baby/ And I don't wanna miss a thing

Guess mine is not the first heart broken/ My eyes are not the first to cry/ I'm not the first to know/ You know I'm just a fool who's willing/ To sit around and wait for you/ But baby can't you see there's nothing left for me to do/ But now there's no way to hide/ Since you pushed my heart aside/ I'm outta my head

I don't want to wait for our lives to be over,/ I want to know right now what will it be./ I don't want to wait for our lives to be over,/ Will it be yes or will it be sorry?

Isn't anyone trying to find me?/ Won't somebody come take me home/ It's a damn cold night/ Trying to figure out this life/ Won't you take me by the hand/ take me somewhere new/ I dont know who you are/ but I... I'm with you/ oh why is everything so confusing/ maybe I'm just out of my mind

And all I can taste is this moment/ And all I can breathe is your life/ Cause sooner or later it's over/ I just don't want to miss you tonight/ And I don't want the world to see me/ Cause I don't think that they'd understand/ When everything's made to be broken/ I just want you to know who I am

The loneliness of nights alone/ The search for strength to carry on/ My every hope has seemed to die/ My eyes had no more tears to cry

I'm so tired of being here/ Suppressed by all my childish fears/ And if you have to leave/ I wish that you would just leave/ 'Cause your presence still lingers here/ And it won't leave me alone/ These wounds won't seem to heal/ This pain is just too real/ There's just too much that time cannot erase/ When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears/ When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears/ I held your hand through all of these years/ But you still have all of me/ You used to captivate me/ By your resonating light/ Now I'm bound by the life you left behind/ Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams/ Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me/ I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone/ But though you're still with me/ I've been alone all along

Please come now I think I’m falling/ I’m holding on to all I think is safe/ It seems I found the road to nowhere/ And I’m trying to escape/ I yelled back when I heard thunder/ But I’m down to one last breath/ And with it let me say/ Hold me now/ I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking/ That maybe six feet/ Ain’t so far down

My first impulse is to run to your side/ My heart's not free and so I must hide/ Please don't ask me what I'm gonna say to you/ I toss and turn, can't sleep at night/ It's worrying me/ I go to bed, turn out the light but your face I see/ It only hurts the more I pretend/ You could easily make me happy, that I know/ But I'll try my best to never tell you so/ I will sing to you my love songs and pretend/ And I'll keep the secret right down to the end/ I could not live the lie it would take/ To have you near would be a mistake

But oh, can't you see/ That no matter what happens/ Life goes on and on/ And so baby just smile/ Cause I'm always around you/ And I'll make you see/ How beautiful life is/ For you and me/ Take a little time baby/ See the butterfly's colors/ Listen to the birds/ That were sent to sing/ For me and you/ Can you feel me?/ This is such a wonderful place to be/ Even if there is pain now/ Everything will be alright/ For as long as the world still turns/ There will be night and day/ Can you hear me?/ There's a rainbow always after the rain/ Hittin' high, hittin' low/ Win or lose, you should go/ Getting warm, getting cold/ Weather can be so good or bad/ But baby, this is life so don't get mad/ Life's full of challenges/ Not all the time we get what we want/ But don't despair, my dear/ You'll take it each trial/ And you'll make it through the storm/ Cause you're strong/ My faith in you is clear/ So I say once again/ This world's beautiful/ Let us celebrate life/ That is so beautiful/ So beautiful...

the trouble with my heart/ is it always goes astray/ i guess that's the reason why/ you're leaving me this way/ before you leave, my love,/ there's something i must say/ if you leave you'll turn my blue skies to grey/ please stay

Maybe you soon forget about all/ Or maybe you'll miss it like I do/ But one thing's for sure, I'm all knocked out/ I spend too much time thinking of you/ And I can't get you out of my dreams/ Now I know that you're the dangerous kind/ And your smile is tattooed on my mind/ 'Cause I can't get you out of my dreams/ I don't wanna write/ I don't wanna call/ I would not know what to say/ It should be you/ That's how I want it to be/ Tell me you feel the same way/ Oh yesterday I was feeling safe/ All I do today is trying to be brave/ And no melody can seem to soothe my mind/ Now I curse you for being so sweet and so kind

Baby, you don't have to worry/ Coz there ain't no need to hurry/ No one ever said that there's an easy way/ When they're closing all their doors/ They don't want you anymore

With arms wide open/ Well I don't know if I'm ready/ To be who I have to be/ I'll take a breath, take you by my side/ We stand in awe, we've created life/ With arms wide open

I never knew such a day could come/ And I never knew such a love/ Could be inside of one/ And I never knew what my life was for/ But now that you're here I know for sure/ I never knew till I looked in your eyes/ I was incomplete till the day you walked into my life/ And I never knew that my heart could feel/ So precious and pure/ One love so real/ And baby I'll never find any words/ That could explain/ Just how much my heart my life/ My soul you've changed/ Can you run to these open arms/ When no one else understands/ Can I just see you every morning when I open my eyes

Spend all your time waiting/ For that second chance/ For a break that would make it okay/ There's always some reason/ To feel not good enough/ And it's hard at the end of the day/ I need some distraction/ Or beautiful news/ The memories seep through my veins/ They maybe empty/ Oh weightless and maybe/ You'll find some peace tonight/ In the arms of the angel/ Fly away from here/ From this dark, cold hotel room/ And the endlessness that you feel/ You are pulled from the wreckage/ Of your silent reverie/ You're in the arms of the angel/ May you find/ Some comfort here/ So tired of a straight line/ And everywhere you turn/ There's vultures and thieves at your back/ The storm keeps on twisting/ Keep on building the lies/ That you make up for all that you lack/ It don't make no difference/ Escape one last time/ It's easier to believe/ On their sweet madness/ On this glorious sadness/ That brings me to my knees

"...my heart's not free, and so i must hide..."

WIND (so near yet so far)

so many sleepless nights, i think of how we've become
wishing, hoping, praying, searching for things left undone
pointless existence, only affected by few
useless resistance, never admitting it's you

surge of emotions, keeping it all inside
wasted devotion, with everything else to hide
silent admiration, no one else in sight
secret resolution, my heart screams with delight

i can't touch you
i must feel you
i cant see you
and i miss you

painful goodbyes, unacceptable reasons
each moment i cry in my heart-made prison

i guess it's true...

so near yet so far...

just YOU.

TOTAL CRAP. that's what today is.

i hate it when suddenly, things get screwed up and you curse the whole world for messing up your day and then everything gets even worse because of some absolutely lame and way overdue text conversation you never even had to end up having if not for the unexplicable inflow of millions of insensitive jerks in the first place. (hell, that was long.) grrr!!! it's just sooooo irritating that some people are sooooo not right for every moment.

and just when i thought my day couldn't get any worse, it did. to top it all off, i remembered another reason why i should be really pissed: today is the blasted 7th month (i think) celebration of two people's ill-fated relationship... where i don't know who really IS STILL hung up with whom. why am i affected, you ask? because NOT ONE OF THEM wants to tell me the freaking truth!!!! grrr. i'm mad enough. i'll stop.

oooh, the wonders of technology. yes, another one of my friends (hello krisÜ) made me remember that this IS---yes, you guessed it---therapeutic. i mean, i didn't remember it when i was starting to write, er--- type this, but now i do. thanks to kris, of course.Ü

in spite of how bad (this is a definite understatement) my day went, i'm going to try to be a freak of nature and think of improving and/or enjoying (ahem... IF i can) the last few hours left of my f*- (oops...) umm... i mean, f-f-fabulous day. i'll try being really enthusiastic and, uh, SMILE. (**ting!) after all, "there's (always) a rainbow after the rain."

eww. i can't believe that was me.

cinderella has left the building.

"curious, curious..."

"curious, curious..."

my dad was surfing channels a while back, and he came across hbo. harry potter anyone? well, for some strange reason, he watched that for some time...

and now he's asleep.

hmmm... at least the tv's off. must be the sleep button/setting... or... not?

anyways, i guess that sort of goes to show that he's not so much of an hp fan. oh well.

i'm really excited cz my brother's coming home tomorrow!!!ÜÜÜ i miss him sooooo much, and of course, we have to catch up on A LOT of things.Ü and... umm... some... "other things". so... i guess the thought of him grilling me to extinction doesn't sound so appealing now, huh?

okay, bad idea.

oh well. this was bound to happen sometime anyway. i better face the music tomorrow. gotta get ready...

oh crap.

grrr.

by the way, belated happy "birthday", sis and homie!Ü i'm going to grill you two sometime also. individually.Ü harharÜ love you both!Ü

i must say, this blog thing's really therapeutic.Ü really helpful for me, cz i talk a lot. harharÜ better than blogging in m***a**.Ü (no branding.:p) hahaÜ well, at least i think so.Ü

THIS IS FUN!Ü oh, hell... i'm such a freak. temporarily insane person on the loose... AGAIN. oh well. :p harharÜ

many thanks, joey.Ü i've FINALLY seen the light.Ü

adios amigos.Ü

jcdomain, hypernoia, and callmenasty... hmmm...

being new to something sucks.

oh well. just like what dory in finding nemo would say, "just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."

good advice dory.

oh hell... in my case, "just keep 'exploring'".

i'm off.

"whatever you say, man."

yeah. right.

i'm talking to :him: right now... hmm... overshare, anyone? the man has LOADS to spare. oh well. at least.

i was pretty freaked the other night when :he: said "something".

oh boy.

PANIC BUTTON.

going back to the topic... so, okay. i panicked. big deal. at least i'm okay now. and at least it's out of the "box" now.

hurrah for me!!!Ü

i remember my headline in myspace.Ü

"...can i just spend my life with you?...Ü"

yea!!!Ü U-TURN ROCKS!!!Ü

i miss the nightlife... i miss tapika... i miss u-turn... i miss... someone.Ü

DIALOGUE: hmmm... and :he: says, "ay saws..." cinderella hits back: "hay... 'ay saws' na naman." we both laugh.Ü harharÜ

anyways, i'm not making any sense anymore... better end this.

goodbye friends.Ü