"...i'm not the one you're needing... i love you, GOODBYE..."

I Love You, Goodbye

Wish I could be the one
The one who could give you love
The kind of love you really need
Wish I could say to you
That I'll always stay with you
But baby that's not me
You need someone willing to give their heart and soul to you
Promise you forever, baby that's something I can't do
Oh I could say that I'll be all you need
But that would be a lie
I know I'd only hurt you
I know I'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

I hope someday you can
Find some way to understand I'm only doing this for you
I don't really wanna go
But deep in my heart I know this is the kindest thing to do
You'll find someone who'll be the one that I could never be
Who'll give you something better
Than the love you'll find with me
Oh I could say that I'll be all you need
But that would be a crime
I know I'd only hurt you
I know I'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

Leaving someone when you love someone
Is the hardest thing to do
When you love someone as much as I love you

Oh, I don't wanna leave you
Baby it tears me up inside
But I'll never be the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

Baby, its never gonna work out
I love you, goodbye

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oh, the perks of being single.

YEA. YOU GUESSED IT.

it's pointless adding to the part I i wrote last night then, huh? oh well.

2 months, 28 days.

adjourned.

it's a mystery why people give so much time and attention to something and let it go after a while... it's just confusing that everyone invests so much on something they'd eventually give up on in the end. is it because of pagsasawa? or is it because the effort seems useless that there's just no point in going on with what you started?

i can go on all day thinking about this, but what will happen? will it bring back the past that i was already getting used to having?

this is not me ranting over something i just got used to. this is me thinking aloud about something that could have had something more. that could have turned out better.

am i sad? of course i am. that's just normal, considering this is the first event of my "welcoming to the REAL WORLD." i wouldn't be a hypocrite and say i'm not affected at all, because i am. it's impossible to be heartless after what i went through.

i had the longest ride going home today. yes, :he: picked me up from school. we never really talked on the way home, just small talk. and then, for the longest time, we both fell silent. it wasn't the comfortable silence we used to share, but the most uneasy one ever. i had no other choice but to look out the window. i knew something was going to happen, and i felt bad that things had to turn out that way.

it took me until after an overpass somewhere in sta. mesa before i could ask,

"may sasabihin ka ba sa akin?"

and then silence... i didn't know if it was because :he: was stalling, or because :he: just didn't have anything to tell me. and so i asked again.

"wala ka ba tala---"

in the middle of me blurting out the inevitable question was :his: reply:

"mamaya na..."

so there. without a doubt, he was stalling. it didn't feel right that he had to leave me hanging before i knew what he wanted to say. i couldn't do anything. i froze.

when we got to my house, :he: moved uneasily and faced me.

"alam mo naman siguro yung sasabihin ko, diba?"

that was all i had to hear to figure out what was happening.

i had a little talk with my kuya when i got home. of course, i did just what any sane little sister would do: i spilled the beans. yes, i was freaked that i was able to do that, but, whatever. i did it.

i was in the brink of tears when i told him, and all he asked was "ano'ng nangyari?" it felt easier, because he never told me to tell him about anything specific. and so i drew a breath, and then we talked. i didn't get a lecture or anything, we talked just like how we'd do every single time. i found out a few noteworthy bits and pieces about him, and i got a couple of good lines too. it really helps if you both are psychologists.Ü hahaÜ (wishful thinking.)

i have no idea why this had to happen now. i was prepared for this a few days back, but :he: dismissed everything i wanted to say and asked me if this was my solution to the problem. i didn't know what else i could do, because with all the time and effort i gave, he still wasn't happy. the 'it's not you, it's me' line he threw seemed pointless because i was sure it was of desperation. i don't want to say anything that would bother either one of us, because it's clear: some things are just not meant to be.

makes me think of what my kuya told me a while ago: "sa experience ko kasi, yung mga 'you and me against the world' na yan... madalas, hindi nagwwork."

oh well. things you find out about when what's done is done.

"It's hard to hold on to something you know would never be yours in any way you think of. You just have to learn to LET GO and face the fact that while 'good things never last'... SOME DON'T EVEN START..."

how true, how true.