to vent is a beautiful opportunity. to keep silent is self-induced death. ;)

before rambling mindlessly about life's perils, i'd like to say thanks to those who replied to my momentous venting 2 nights ago.

i mean, it was generally not a requirement to acknowledge the hair-pulling sensation creeping into my bloodstream, but the acknowledgements were touching nonetheless. :)

[see, jemmy, this is a happy note. ;) ]

and to those who were not able to reply, no worries. i still love you all :) i'm in a loving mood today, although most of the people i've been talking to for the past few hours drive me to insanity by the second. and because i promised this would be a happy note, i'm sharing the love. :)

... BUT, of course, making this a happy note doesn't imply i can't be mean too. ;p [cue evil laughter :)) ]

-= <3 =-

since this is waaay overdue, i'd just like to dwell on other people's misfortune first and reiterate why that somehow made my day. this is not at all intended to be as mean as it sounds, but there's definitely a more logical explanation to me feeling better over what made this person agitated.

while feeling utterly disheveled because of the stress that hit me in the face, i trudged along the hallway in stark disarray and mindlessly grabbed my oversized bag from the miniscule gap that pretended to be my locker. as i was painfully fumbling with my padlock combination, some random heavily-breathing girl rushed to the locker across mine and started ranting about how her scarf got lost on her way to work.

in my lamest attempt to come up with a candid response, i looked up and realized she was indeed directing her soliloquy at me. flashing a haphazard smile, i just said, "hmm?"

she seemed to ramble on about how her sister gave her that scarf she just washed THAT was silky AND was beautiful AND was now lost in space BECAUSE it slipped from her bag AS she left the cab she rode on her way to work yesterday BECAUSE she was rushing BUT she says she's really mindful of her things BUT it was unfortunate that it happened AND her sister will kill her when she finds out that she lost it SO she'll rationally explain that it was an accident AND she wishes the scarf was picked up by some person who really needed it WHICH would make her at least feel better about the misfortune, without even thinking that i am uninterested to hear it.

summoning my will to understand randomness, i reacted sporadically and showed that i care. as it turns out, seeing how irritated this rather cheeky lady was about losing something she treasured so much, i felt i didn't need to feel so bad after all. there are better things in life to worry about, and i'm not going to let the stress eat me alive.

and now, with a badly needed series of deep breaths, i marvel at the lucid parameters that life presents me. and i flash a much-needed megawatt smile at the realization that i am not the most unfortunate person in the world. :)

so, to get back to the ultimate reason for this note, venting actually did me good. :D

For the Lack of A Better Outlet: A TRIPLE THREAT

--- 22 september 2009, approximately 11:00 pm ---

because of the elating moments that transpired just a few hours ago, i cannot help thinking back on the olden days when life was less complicated.

you went to school, played with your friends, and went back home. homework before spending countless hours in front of the tv, going to bed at 8 [although sometimes negotiable], but sneaking out in the middle of the night to watch reruns of your favorite show on the ichannel. hating to get out of bed at 5 or 6 am to get ready for yet another day of school. the same teachers, classmates, and everything, day in, day out. waiting for dear old dad to come pick you up. lazily walk around the house before doing anything productive.

awww. that WAS the life.

then again, i get smidgens of that right now-- the same thing day in, day out, with an injection of spontaneity once in a while. living in my own time, and not missing a step. when you think about it, you would say i've retained a little more old school ways than i actually need. but still, things HAVE changed. and no matter how much i rationalize, they will continue changing and will never make me stop wondering.

yes, i will prove that i am a sap because i quote Filipino movies. but i don't care. it fits into the moment like it was made for it:

"i want to stop wondering 'what IF'. i want to know 'what IS.'"

or something to that effect.

but still, i don't know what's keeping me from actually taking the step to bringing my dreams to reality. like i said, confusion's a bitch. elation makes one knowledgeable of the best things that could happen. although momentary, they show you a world that is achievable and liveable [if there is such a word] only in the depths of your desires. then again, desires do not stay alive forever. they fade, lose their spark, and seemingly extinguish their flames through the winds of time. and no matter how much you try to rekindle that flame, time has done its part in making you realize that the dream is now just a dream, that the reality you once knew is a reality no more.

--- 24 september 2009 9:34 pm---

in a matter of days, my views on life and the present have seemingly vaporized.

no worries, though, i'm fine and still encased in indecision.

however, elation feels so much better when experienced firsthand, having manipulated a random chain of events... but guess what? THAT JUST HAPPENED. :)

SOOO, all i can say is a "kaboom" to those untrue and hurrah to the victorious smirk i now have glued on on my face. love me, hate me, or whatever tickles your fancy, GO AHEAD.

because the only question i will ask you is:

HAS IT EVER OCCURRED TO YOU THAT I DON'T CARE? :D [with lash-batting action]

so now, i rest my case. :)

--- 25 september 2009 05:26 am ---

again, in a matter of hours, more facets of life have unfolded before my eyes.

let me channel my present state to this note and unleash the drama oblivious to the illiterate.

it's amazingly funny on millions of levels that hormonal bouts are seemingly passed on to my male friends. i mean, my female allies have just surpassed them this week, but my mojo-loving friends have increasingly been acquiring "traits" women are most commonly known to have: HORMONES. it just knocks my socks off that my triad [a.k.a. connivance team] has inherited the traits i am well-known for, and they are crazily enjoying the ride. well, of course, i am constantly being blamed for discovering the "HormoBot," [in the desperate attempt to make a statement to the annoyance that is a selection of people around me at night] but of course, things are acknowledged and appreciated just the same.

you gotta love education, and i'm sure my connivance team, et al. loves it even more. haha

cheers to more eventful moments then, let this world be a world to find friends in [hi friends!]. ;p

yet another sleepless night

***because technology's a bitch, i will have to retype my entire rambling and begin editing my initial spontaneous flow. if only sleep beckoned, i will turn my laptop off with extremely annoyed muttering and a heavy heart.***

tonight [rather, last night] has been a flurry of emotions.

this time, i am not sleepless because of love, theses, work, or any other brain-numbing thing that i will have to get over and done with.

i am simply baffled about life.

as my extended thoughts on life and the undiscovered flash before my eyes, i commence my written reverie by saying years of my existence have been devoted to what i want. but now, i can't help asking myself if what i want is actually enough.

it pains me to think that i will soon have to say goodbye to my comfort zone and venture out into the unknown. but that's the way the cookie crumbles, life will have to move on. as a matter of fact, it HAS been moving on, leaving me and my comfort zone behind. so now i am left thinking of what else there is in store for me.

sure, i will have to get hurt and feel the pangs of losing a part of myself, but it's all part of the road to maturity. so, now, in the light of gearing towards [further] maturity, i KNOW in my heart of hearts that i will have to decide.

for once i come forth with the key to my future, there's no turning back. and yes, i know i will endure. if only the process wasn't so grueling. then again, as what i've been beating my head with, it doesn't matter, because you're trekking towards your goals. so don't mind the minor setbacks. if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger.

and always believe that at the end of the day, you don't kill yourself for the hurt you've allowed yourself to feel, you kill yourself for the decisions you've made.

right now, though, my brain is indifferent to the screams of my heart. it's as if my heart is in a dark tunnel, struggling to get out... but my brain is still thinking of the beautiful rainbow that decorates my sky. i badly want to get out of this tunnel, to break free of the darkness and indecision... i want to get to that rainbow myself.

as with any road towards goal attainment, i KNOW that i WILL stumble, fall, and accumulate bruises and scratches. but i don't care. for the battle scars of life will mold me into who i can and will be in the end. i will not channel idealism and say i will end up being the greatest, but i will believe that i will be great in my own right. i may be seen by others as half-baked or even extremely raw, but i don't care. whatever i may be going through will not stop me from getting to my destination.

so, now, i ask this question with deep-seated longing: when will my brain inherit my heart's courage?

this is the timeless question that sends pangs to my heart. for however strongly my heart feels about change, if my brain does not help my heart alleviate indecision, the further stretching of my sanity will have to do.

yes, the first step will always be the hardest... and i can't help asking myself when that tiny step will happen.

sun's out, and i am still enveloped in the darkness of my room. sure, tomorrow is a new day, but i will never be silenced by my screaming heart unless that small step is made.

so, now, i will have to engage in more mind-numbing activities and displace the real thoughts that have lined my heart and mind forever...

and let my heart continue to draw the blueprint of my future. :'c

make me whole

20 October 2009, 9:39 am at the mrt, random thought:

it just dawned upon me that i seriously need to relax. despite my strongest attempts to unleash organization into my life, the efforts deem futile in this pathetic semblance of a reality.

************************************************************************

21 October 2009, 4:52 am somewhere in between. prevailing thought:

it's utterly crazy how people unite over misfortune and pain. no matter how much we attempt to prevent it, we seemingly glue ourselves to a unit that alleviate the inner dysfunction you momentarily possess. as much as we retain composure and selflessly think, the deep-seating nature of humans emerge and we, of course, find ourselves bawling over the issues we have not addressed nor even thought about.

i am honestly compelled to be where i am right now, and i would rather be with friends close to my heart. though my presence absorbs the suffering and heartache they unleash, i feel i am right at home with consoling heavy hearts and nerve-wracked brains...

if only i can get to the main point of it all.

honestly, though, despite my useful attempts to be knowledgeable and thought-provoking, i am left dumbfounded at the recent turn of events that have slipped my attention. i have absolutely no idea what will happen to those i hold dear, but the fight is yet to start. sanities lost and heart-wrenching matters found constitute the change that is on its way, and i am teetering on the ice-cold rod of minimal hope.

i hope i can help make things matter, i hope i can get out of this rut. i am a complete and total mind mess right now, i think i need the shrink. this is exactly why i love selective attention, so i can keep my sanity in check and appear as the epitome of strength to others who lean on me.

this is generally too revealing, in an extremely weird sense. for what it's worth, though, this is all directed toward one clear goal: positive change.

so i have no choice but to be half-baked in whatever the next few days will bring. so much for my powers of positivity. here's to the real crunchtime.

taking it to the streets

there is ABSOLUTELY no significance nor reason behind that title. i just think it sounds good for the multitude of sorts i'm feeling right now. :)

and the randomness shall now commence. :)

** * **

20 october 2009 0729am

it's been a hell of a ride today [well, "yesterday"]. firstly, a BIG CONGRATULATIONS to Abeleds for finally making it to the alumni bunch. :) woohoo, welcome to the club! :)

now, for your training... ;p

next, i am again in the brink of polluting my brain with millions of memories that i do not want to encase myself in at the moment. the mere thought of everything to think about drives me nuts, and the random-slash-irate customer service style might get unleashed once again. i'd rather NOT have that now, of course, since i realized that purposefully modulating my voice makes me save it more. and we all know [well, NOT REALLY, but if you know how i speak, you'll get the idea of my exaggeration] i can get high-pitched when i get argumentative.

harharhar.

but with the a/c right behind me--erm--i don't think so.

** * **

so, on to the bashing.

it's just so irritating that for some strange, demented reason, a frightening blue-collar rampancy is on the loose. well, for patience's sake, i purse my lips and randomly interact with the heaven-colored plate in front of me, claiming contempt. and the funniest unseen interactions bordered my sanity as white-collared minds basked in sheer delight.

let the mindgames begin :)

** * **

it is a complete waste to while away the hours of my existence in a trance, and that's what i have seemingly been doing for the past eons of my life. oh no. so much for productivity. but soon, i hope, my fate will take a different course. :)

and truly, facebook makes me engage in neurobics in my almost hopeless pursuit for further activity. it's such a pity that my refuge lies in an intangible world, crying out to the reality that is.

soon, though, fate shall take a wider trend, and i will be freed from my thought bubbles. i have yet to prepare for what's next, and brace myself for the wrath that is to come.

for everything else, i shall wait with a megawatt smile albeit the scare of unknown carnage. haha. so much for sitting on top of the world. ;p

Random: Finding Source of Your Pain [Source of your pain not always obvious.]

for the millionth time, i have attempted to actually write something of substance and share it to the world. but, AS USUAL, i was either exhausted like crazy or asleep, too tired to even attempt a tactile interaction involving my fingertips and laptop.

so while i'm still awake and pretty much alive, i begin my oration. and because i am now a conglomeration of sorts, this will be as random as it can get.

i found "Finding Source of Your Pain [Source of Your Pain Not Always Obvious]" on a Yahoo! popup ad thing, and since then, i found myself scrolling through the varying headlines, searching for something thought-provoking. to no avail, though. i soon realized that great things come in increments, and that i had to digest this tiny factoid first before i discover another line that shall pierce my heart's walls.

so, let the mastication begin.

i've always thought that dwelling on the pain something--or someone--has caused you is completely absurd. and yet in my most unpremeditated of moments, i find myself employing what i believe i despise. in my most pathetic attempts of heightened self-preservation, i subject my brain to the fake belief that i actually don't care--when in fact, i do.

usually, it takes a gargantuan amount of proving importance to make me care about trivial matters--because i know what i want and i know what i need to pay attention to--but really, behind this wall of strength and nonchalance, i have a heart, too.

so, for every tear shed and every heart broken, i share a seemingly hapless smile and get back to the perils of what's real.

so where exactly can the pain's source be found? [i absolutely thank the Lord in this particular moment that i haven't entered the world of medicine yet, or i will further pollute my mind with actual facts and figures and veer away from the point that my heart is driving at.]

i say it can be found anywhere, and can unfortunately strike you at any time. Yes, it may be coming from the one thing you treasure the most, or from that one great love you allowed your heart to experience, but the bottom line is, you will always think it originated from something else. AND THEN you start believing what you choose to believe.

what makes it even more excruciating, though, is that no matter how you allow yourself to believe it came from something else, you will find yourself bawling in the end over the fact that you never saw it coming from that one thing you invested most of yourself on.

and YES, it will hurt, and you will die a million times inside and have your heart crushed to smithereens, but you will have to use the powers of self-preservation to rebuild the life you once had--minus the pain and drama.

and when you've turned over a new leaf and have faced tomorrow, you will smile and breathe a sigh of relief at the emotional roller coaster you just allowed yourself to ride. and you emerge stronger and happier, and more able to handle the pain.

"if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger," "life's a bitch and then you die," the list goes on. but i think what makes pain matter to us is how significantly it has played a role in your overall development and resilience. because the next time it happens, you'll be prepared. and it will be simply amazing that it doesn't shatter the portals of your heart this time--you will have learned to take it in and get it straightened out. and you will flash a megawatt smile to the world, signifying triumph and total bliss. :)

-= <3 =-

for the lack of a better outlet, i again pour my emotions onto this virtual world i call home. like what i've been accepting for years, blogging can actually be a pretty therapeutic form of lashing out without anyone having the right to judge you--because really, if you're that affected, start a blog and lash out yourself, HELEEEW.

;p

it's such a pain in the behind that my current lifestyle has allowed everything else to be a blur to me. i've been sick, exhausted, out of it, and disheveled from the million ketsanas i allow myself to face every millisecond of everyday. and no matter how much i say that it's for the love of the game, sometimes... it just isn't anymore.

i've missed myself. and i guess i owe it in large part to a certain individual who made me feel okay again with unleashing slanders at randomness. i at least know how to [statement!]. i COULD say the same to the unintelligible trash some people bring to the table, but clearly, that WOULD be a lie.

-= <3 =-

i am truly annoyed by sensationalizing freaks without a cause. it's not even important that you engage yourself in this life, and yet you still do. i can only empathize to a certain extent [towards you, at least], and everything else will be fatal, even to me. my being will not tolerate your pathetic excuse for a life and will self-destruct, and of course, when that happens, you will be the only one to blame.

i hate the fact that the crabness creeps to the most insignificant of beings. like i said, the ignorance is lamentable enough. and now you allow yourself to be exposed even more as illiterate and bask in the momentary glory that exposure to criticism brought you? i mean, duh. get a life.

you pollute my brain with thoughts of pitiful self-justification, and i sure as hell don't buy it. unfortunately, you have proved even more that you are actually a disgrace to mankind and everything else associated with you. so please, if you can even fathom a smidgen of my point, work on being invisible already. because really, to most people, YOU JUST ARE.

oh, how i love random talk. ;)

-= <3 =-

have i proven my point yet? i know i did a million times. some people just completely don't get the fact that this IS the truth. i've tried countless times to be understanding and civil, but the utter idiocy of it all is what gives me recurrent mental torture.

have YOU ever heard of social suicide? i guess not.

it's irritating that NO ONE has gotten a clue. and i think NO ONE will ever get a clue because NO ONE is a daft, salon-dwelling nincompoop.

-= <3 =-

just so i end my reverie on a happy note, i'm happy. i think.

see you soon, world. :)