Freudian tendencies

it still sucks to think that you can't help these things.

in the process of calling cuz dear, i almost dialled :another person's: home number... it sucks like hell, i tell you. i got to punch in the first three digits of the set before i actually realized i'm not supposed to call that certain :person:.

amidst my silent reveries of Macondo and the life that was of the Buendias, i am pulled back to earth by my mom's knocking on my wall. [yes, my wall.] apparently i was in for an interrogation. and so my dad's bitterness to my partying shone through. ah, the smell of defeat.

and the jubilation of my descendants.

sweet, sweet triumph.

got to reconnect with a long-gone friend just now. i can't explain what i want to do with this newfound communication, but whatever.

QUERY: why's it that the person i'm supposed to be with is such an issue to everyone? man, i don't even think about it. but why do i get freakish reactions whenever i say something remotely related to love? as much as i'd hate to admit it, some people can just be so darn judgmental and immature. please get yourselves a life, in case you don't know how to use your present one. and please, don't meddle with mine.

"but what's the matter with gravity? why won't it make you fall for me?"

***bet that'll be greeted with questions.Ü

i'll stop the world and melt with you

even the shortest messages count, you know.

i faced the end of classes the lousiest way i could, not caring at all what happened next. i guess it was because of the pressure of summer, or the coldness of my world. i refused to succumb to my inner desires of being the positive person i usually am because i hated how i felt at that time.

even the tearjerking episode of goodbyes and final bondings didn't fill me with enough emotions to make me pass for a normal human being.

i didn't know what was wrong with me.

i had no reason whatsoever, i just shut out my world.

but now, i'm starting to see the light.

recent discoveries have pulled me back to my astral plane. i'm suddenly all giddy and i can't stop smiling. must be because of the completing factor of my beautiful existence--- church bells.

***binigyang-linaw ang aking pag-iisip ng namumukodtanging kampana sa aking mundo. ngayon ay naiintindihan ko na ang sakit na nuong simula pa lamang ay naramdaman ko. handa na akong bumangon muli at humarap sa kalawakan. natanto ko na ang kabuuan ng aking kaligayahan.***

now i feel complete.Ü

corrections and/or additions...

[i think and type what i think too fast that i don't have enough time to correct myself. ]

***you should've told me, you know.

the MH that i am...

i am such a jerk.

if it was only a plan to get close to my friend, why even bother to include me in it? now i feel so much more used. all it takes is a short statement, and i'm out of your way. you should've tol me, you know. if you want to know her better, leave me out of it. don't invite me, making me feel as if i matter to whatever you'll be doing. just get on with what you're originally planning.

i keep on repeating everything, but i don't care. if i'm not needed, don't include me. i'm in so much more crap, the last thing i need is for me to become another pity friend.

cut the crap please and just be darn honest.

and to think you ALSO said i had nothing to worry about.

yeah, right.

i miss you

another B.E.A.-utiful song...

Thought I heard your voice yesterday

When I turned around to say

That I loved you baby

I realize, it was just my mind

Playing tricks on me

And it seems colder lately at night

And I try to sleep with the lights on

Every time the phone rings

I pray to God it's you

And I just can't believe

That we're through

I miss you

There's no other way to say it

And I can't deny it

I miss you

It's so easy to see

I miss you and me

Is it turning over this time

Have we really changed our minds about each other's love

All the feelings that we used to share

I refuse to believe

That you don't care

I miss you

There's no other way to say it

And I, and I can't deny it

I miss you

It's so easy to see

I miss you and me

I've got to gather myself as together

I've been through worst kinds of weather

If it's over now

Then I'll be strong

Can't believe that you're gone

I've got to carry over

I miss you

There's no other way to say it

And I, and I can't deny it

I miss you

It's so easy to see

I miss you and me

Oh there's no other way to say it

I can't deny it

I miss you baby

It's so easy to see

I miss you and me

Oh no other way to say it

I miss you baby

There's no other

That you're deprived of me now

That you're deprived of me now

I miss you

Said I can't deny it

I, I, I, I miss you baby

It's so easy to see

I miss you and me

-jai080305

The End of the Road

Girl you know we belong together

I have no time for you to be playing

With my heart like this

You'll be mine forever baby, you just see

We belong together

And you that I'm right

Why do you play with my heart,

Why do you play with my mind?

Said we'd be forever

Said it'd never die

How could you love me and leave me

And never say good-bye?

When I can't sleep at night without holding you tight

Girl, each time I try I just break down and cry

Pain in my head oh I'd rather be dead

Spinnin' around and around

[Chorus:]

Although we've come to the End Of The Road

Still I can't let you go

It's unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you

Come to the End of the Road

Still I can't let you go

It's unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you

Girl, I know you really love me,

You just don't realize

You've never been there before

It's only your first time

Maybe I'll forgive you, hmm

Maybe you'll try

We should be happy together

Forever, you and I

Can you love me again like you loved me before

This time I want you to love me much more

This time instead just come to my bed

And baby just don't let me, don't let me down

[Chorus]

Girl I'm here for you

All those times of night when you just hurt me

And just run out with that other fella

Baby I knew about it,

I just didn't care

You just don't understand how much I love you do you?

I'm here for you

I'm not out to go out and cheat on you all night

Just like you did baby but that's all right

Hey, I love you anyway

And I'm still gonna be here for you 'till my dying day baby

Right now, I'm just in so much pain baby

Coz you just won't come back to me

Will you? Just come back to me

(Lonely)

Yes baby my heart is lonely

(Lonely)

My heart hurts baby

(Lonely)

Yes I feel pain too

Baby please

This time instead just come to my bed

And baby just don't let me go

[Chorus] (2X)

-jai080305

what if--?

this is the most applicable title to what i'm feeling now, but although this says a lot, i don't know where exactly to start my ramblings or what exactly to ramble about.

i have just been informed that some people are actually aware of my present predicament. hmmm... and news has it, these folks have been teensily(again, if there is such a word) bothered. by saying teensily, i mean yes, they do know about it already, but apparently, they couldn't care less what i do. oh well. like i mean something to them(they don't call me an artista for nothing, you know).

i'm dead.

i'm alive again.

i'm dead again.

the hell... i hate colds and cough. i hate it when my voice sounds ENORMOUS, and i hate it when i'm darn sick. milk. that's what everything is. pure, unadulterated milk.

to those who can relate to that statement, congratulations. you rock.

when all is said and done, i will be left either alone or devastated. so, which road should i take? i say neither. i don't know what will happen, yes, but hell. i still go for NEITHER. cz if i pick one, i still might regret it. so, what if i don't get what i want? whatever. that will just mean that things aren't really meant for me.

To The One Who Makes Me Whole... et al.

Darling I want you to listen

I stayed up all night, so I can get this thing right

And I don't think there's anything missing

Cause a person like you, made it easy to do

I've waited for so long,to sing to you this song

Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven

Your smile could heal a million souls

Your love completes my existence

You're the other half that makes me whole

You're the only other half that makes me whole

I think the angels are your brothers

They told you about me, said you're just what she needs

And I find myself thanking your mother

For giving birth to a saint

My spirit flies when I say your name

If there's one thing that's true

It's that I was born to love you

Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven

Your smile could heal a million souls

Your love completes my existence

You're the other half that makes me whole

You're the only other half that makes me whole

You make my dreams

Come true over and, over again

And I honestly truly believe

You and me are written in the stars

I live my whole life through

To giving thanks to you

Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven

Your smile could heal a million souls

Your love completes my existence

You're the other half that makes me whole

You're the only other half that makes me whole...

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Of The Incredible Lightness Of Being ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

i met up with a few friends a while ago. the usual---chill, catch-up, blah,blah, blah. as we were talking (seriously, i'd just like to add), i found myself smiling stupidly & looking somewhere unseeable. as much as i wanted to listen to the ramblings of my friends about life, my mind just flew to unreachable heights and made me remember a few situations of my ever-so-happy (er--) social life.

of course, my secret smiles and dreamy eyes were not an alien notion to my friends, but the difference is that this time, they don't know anything about it. so i turn into a very good friend and not tell them exactly what's going on because at that time, i just wanted to preserve what i felt... hahaÜ (sorry, guys, but sometimes, friends kill my drama. :p heehee...Ü)

the exploits of my restraining prowess was evident again yesterday at school. i was constantly battling the urge to be a beeyotch and kept my mouth shut.

whatever happened to FREEDOM in this world?!

suppressed feelings, man. i soooo wanted to scream.

anyways, it just kills me that the present friends i thought i had are the ones who'd initiate my unbelievably painstaking social death. the validity of reason (albeit highly "inunderstandable"(if there is such a word), so it technically doesn't count anyway), is definitely not something to consider in times like these. all this time, those people were pretending to be my friends.

what a waste of my precious time. to think that i once considered them all to be real.

there is no family here--- cz families are there for each other, and most you are not at all there for me. i feel used, abused, and freaking cheated. goodluck to everyone. i hope you have happy lives.

oh well.

a friend once said:

"you'll know who your true friends are in the moments when you're most in need."

how true, how true.

and NOT A SINGLE ONE OF YOU were there when i needed you.

*hats off to you, raef. you just proved my point.Ü*