HEART, actually.

my heart actually hurts.

many of you would think that this was supposed to be entitled "love actually" (as opposed to "heart, actually."), that being one of my all-time fave movies. but it's not, so, whatever.

after witnessing an unexpected moment, it really surprised me that my heart actually hurt--for real. it was neither a mere pang, nor was it a painful twitch; for some weirdly unexplainable reason, it was real pain. it must have been some constriction or a medically-explainable whatnot, but i felt it--i'm feeling it. and it doesn't seem to go away.

this could be an influence of my dear partner-in-crime, to the truest extent that we feel each other's pains now. but i know this is solely mine. with touches of my world's facets maybe, but mostly of right now.

due to events uncalled for, i am again stuck in a rut. "i don't know why i'm frightened, i know my way around here..." for as long as i can remember, i have been baffled with the uncertainties of this same opportunity. but i have no idea why everything scares me so much more now. to quote mine wise sensei, "...there are no mistakes, just lessons to be learned." and i still have no idea why the aftershocks do not insist themselves into my anatomy. although actions have been made by some to sensationalize this supposed bizaare manifestation, my hypothalamus still seeks to ponder on what should be. sure, things are better now. but what makes that an assurance that everything will be fine?

i know, how obsessive of me to be such an automator. but i can't help it if i know deep down that something is definitely up. you can't blame a woman for her intuition, after all. that's what keeps us going. meanwhile, amidst all the hullabaloo, i still cannot fathom what exactly the plan for me is.

i'm going crazy, my head is spinning. i can't just make myself believe that this is fine. my corpus callosum is severed, my hemispheres do not work well anymore. bottomline? i'm toast.

Wrong Place, Wrong Time.

just when i thought things are harboring back smidgens of normalcy, i thrust myself into a world of unchartered dispute. the fallacy that is my knowledge is tested in the waters of uncertainty, i can just die.

why do the beloved live such an inconsequential life? my heart's despair reaches to the depths of the earth's core. sometimes, when you perceive moments as real, you find out pretty soon that it was all a lie.

i knew destiny couldn't have helped ranting about missed instances. i knew right off the bat i was to become an accessory to the complications of varied beadwork. if only i had seen the bigger picture sooner, i would not feel this way.

so, now dear sister is the rancidly unscrupulous being that graced fate's existence. how should she know she's being cursed to oblivion by those dearest to her anatomy? everything is so darn surreal, i hate it.

it's a good thing people rarely grasp the precision of mine inscriptions. add to that the little factoid that is my esotericity. there is solace in the vehemence my veins emit. mi fuera leaps to the bounds of the unknown, and my work will never be done.

i have never felt a melange of such in the past eons of my existence. i am EXTREMELY stupid for having fallen for a lie. and i initiated the truce.

i am such a loser.

i have guarded my physiology against that kind for so long, my walls are crumbling. i am a confused mound of a life. will my alternate universe please set me free?

NEVER AGAIN. half-baked uncertainty in the magnitude of life's shreddings of essential truths. time will come, and i will finally break free from all of this.

please.

Time and Time Again

for the past eons of my life, flakeouts were persistently emerging from the cracks of beyond. as much as i try to work with these dents i dodge with all my might, there is always that one time when all hell breaks loose... and the flakeouts come crashing down on you.

unfortunately, that day had to be today. my sleeplessly quiet dawn was shattered by untold circumstances... and my life morphed into the life i never knew. the life i passed by, the life i saw from a distance.

but i had to live in the agony today. why today? why now that i did not prepare at all? if only i had forseen this...

then again, it is truly wise to expect the unexpected. i know i'm changing, i'm doing all i can to cope. but i wasn't as ready now. God is fair. He leaves you dumbfounded in random moments of your life, and you stare in awe and relentlessly hold on to dear life and to the greater power that is His will. times like these, we all are left mystified of the glory of how He truly is.

i really understand where you're coming from, but what happened happened. it would be hypocritical to say i feel for you ten million percent, but i understand. you also have to understand now that things happen for a reason. and what matters is how you work with it. cliche, yes. but SO true.

these moments are showered upon us to foster the growth of our recklessnesses, to edify us of the truth that there are other people we affect than just ourselves. we are caught unaware, as opposed to grasping every drop of the reality that there is.so what to do?

deal with it.

sounds harsh, but that's life. my flakeouts will come again, but whatever happens, i'll be sticking to it. all that's let for me to do now is BREATHE.

BREATHE...
breathe...
breathe.

madness ahoy

it's 3:03 am and i'm still up.

there's something unnatural about this habit, yet i seem to always result to this.

no classes tomorrow. again. rest is on its way.

despite numerous attempts to regain restlessness, i still succumb to anesthetized frenzy. i'm losing my mind. my brain cells are dissolving into oblivion.

or so i thought.

true enough, the wheels are still turning--incessantly, if i may add--that it hurts. i have just done loads of emailing, my head hurts. the world must be filled with all my blabber by now. and it sucks. if only i knew a few eons ago that the minutes prior to this hour would hook me to the dreaded physical and mental state, i would not have explored the waves too much. meanwhile, i am basking in my sanity in this extremely unholy hour.

i'm melting...

Crime Overdue

world, this'll be bleeped.

(the date is 07 june 2006, 12:14 in the afternoon. the sun is extreme, and a medley of tension and relief is in the air. cinderella, in a plain white uniform carrying a pink and purple largely- checkered bag, age 20, enters, stage right. she walks to the solitary chair at the end of a table on stage left and disarrays notepaper in front of her. she takes out a notebook and a blue pen, and starts to write...)

pitstop haven= unexpected freakland.

i am compelled to digest [with extremely careful initial mastication] a whole chunk of bread in this haven of uncertainty. i seemingly drown myself in agua to further numb my tracts of any solid food intake.

a million thanks to the Lord for a slice of heaven from beyond.Ü and now my premonitions of greater responsibilities [and total euphoria] have been answered. oh yeah!

(she looks around the crowded place and takes a deep breath. eyes closed, she feels the weight of the day's pressures on her shoulders.

another deep breath.

she opens her eyes and continues her astral journey...)

i now know that once again, the issues are alive. or have they ever been dead? i kind of don't think so. oh well. at least the issues are of coolness and untold hubba-hubbas.;)

yipee! albeit ideas of queerness and hands-offness, i am still amazed of my SSP's enthronement and freakish buoyance.

man, oh man. i just LOVE life. maybe all these happened for a reason---for me to really find myself in this ultrachaotic world--and web--of lies and slivers of truth. i may be millions of light-years away from relevance to their kind, but the association is signed, sealed, and delivered. i am in a league of my own, and i am so stinkin' happy about it.

as i savor the final few bites of this breadly uncertainty, i reminisce hearing the valentine's' non-happenings for some people out there. Go sir!Ü

methinks they lurve moi endeavors. they want to shift to my side this time. yeayea! coolness.Ü

i now recognize the past and put together a face and a name. she was the legality to cha's illegality, i get it now. the apple of his eye. haha. now i know.

ano yan?

(point. point. point. she feels unmistakably freakish, but pulls off bouts of a relaxed mind. hurrah!)

the last bite. ubercrisp goodness suddenly deemed delectable by one's picky tastebuds. a sense of heaven in today's events. thank you, Lord!

extreme joy. giddy-happy. major score, man.

B-E-A-utiful.ÜÜÜ

Survival Of The Fittest

thoughts of previous tasks...

time to deal with all i've left behind now.

what's done is done.

so far, so good. storm into school like a regular human being, with millions to share. as far as i know, irregularity does not kill. it may merely infuriate my beloved mental capacity at times, but still. summer science, here i come.

i really hope we leave on that proposed month, though. so as to get a headstart on rebuilding my academic life. if things go as planned, i'll be normal by next year. i mean---my next year. that's not so bad, right? i mean, i know it can only get better.

i hope.

SO--- a reform is in order this year. i will be better---even if it kills me. that is my personal sacrifice. that is for the welfare of mine future---be it academic or artistic.

so, goodbye to lax dreams and chill-ness, i will miss you things so much. i must and shall embark on my personal journey to the straits of the unknown (and the previously-known, for that matter). i will miss everyone for sure.

tai tien, immaturity and half-baked me-ness, and hello to embellished reform.

Randoms.

initially back from south korea.

now back from singapore.

off to taipei on saturday.

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i sold my soul to succumbing delight.

is this real?

my virtual reality seemingly patches the artwork that is my world of calm, semi-perfection, and un-despair. if things show me the light, then why not? but a cloud of dread escapes into my momentay flutter.

fear.

afraid to take the plunge, perhaps? or just afraid to reveal thyself to chance? the inexperience creeps into the marrows of my bones, and into the charges of my neural activity.

but why hope?

bizaare as it may seem, my weary artery aches for that rush, that flight to the beloved astral plane that is euphoria. euphoria in feeling, yes. anything is possible, just like many would say. but why is this comntroversy throwing daggers aimlessly through my heart and soul?

i am a mosaic of unexplicable abyss.

Bittersweet Birthday

what a bittersweet weekend.

things have been inching towards crappiness ever since that unfortunate edsa event.

yes, folks, am now 20. it's actually so much fun, cz i get to obssess on my life more. at least now, the pressure of achieving will really drive me to work.

and work..

and work.

so, that's the story of my life.

thanks to those who remembered, love you guys. :) my week wasn't the greatest, but everyone who cared made it one of the best anyways. :)

Toast.

a humongous error is on its way and my sanity is crumbling to oblivion once again.

argh.

i need air.

Not-So-Quiet Time

i'm dying in the reins of organic chemistry.

ouch.