HEART, actually.

my heart actually hurts.

many of you would think that this was supposed to be entitled "love actually" (as opposed to "heart, actually."), that being one of my all-time fave movies. but it's not, so, whatever.

after witnessing an unexpected moment, it really surprised me that my heart actually hurt--for real. it was neither a mere pang, nor was it a painful twitch; for some weirdly unexplainable reason, it was real pain. it must have been some constriction or a medically-explainable whatnot, but i felt it--i'm feeling it. and it doesn't seem to go away.

this could be an influence of my dear partner-in-crime, to the truest extent that we feel each other's pains now. but i know this is solely mine. with touches of my world's facets maybe, but mostly of right now.

due to events uncalled for, i am again stuck in a rut. "i don't know why i'm frightened, i know my way around here..." for as long as i can remember, i have been baffled with the uncertainties of this same opportunity. but i have no idea why everything scares me so much more now. to quote mine wise sensei, "...there are no mistakes, just lessons to be learned." and i still have no idea why the aftershocks do not insist themselves into my anatomy. although actions have been made by some to sensationalize this supposed bizaare manifestation, my hypothalamus still seeks to ponder on what should be. sure, things are better now. but what makes that an assurance that everything will be fine?

i know, how obsessive of me to be such an automator. but i can't help it if i know deep down that something is definitely up. you can't blame a woman for her intuition, after all. that's what keeps us going. meanwhile, amidst all the hullabaloo, i still cannot fathom what exactly the plan for me is.

i'm going crazy, my head is spinning. i can't just make myself believe that this is fine. my corpus callosum is severed, my hemispheres do not work well anymore. bottomline? i'm toast.