Dear John

Dear John,

It's been a lazy looong day. I woke up late this afternoon morning, and have only eaten puffed Cheetos and a chocolate-and-peanut butter sandwich since. I'm speechless, I'm tired, I want something new to happen. But since my lazy ass is home, I've been thinking. A LOT.

It's been crazy on Twitter the entire day. Hate, disbelief, love, discontent, hope and bashing are a few of the emotions people seemingly pour onto their tweets. Hate, being that of the Hong Kong Government to the Philippines. Disbelief at our Miss Universe contender's response to her final question. Love for Ma. Venus Raj, Miss Universe 2010 4th Runner-Up, coupled with contented messages of her feat--bringing recognition to our country is no easy task--flooded Tweetworld [at least mine]. Hope, that someday, yesterday's Quirino Grandstand bloodbath will just be a faint memory to and of Filipinos to the rest of the world. Bashing, of everyone who's anyone and anyone who's alive.

Makes me think, really. Do we really have all the answers? Most people who tweet think so. And then most of them suddenly change their minds when they are contradicted. Again, that is just SO Filipino. Not entirely, in defense of the rest of the Filipinos who stand up for what they know, but a lot of Filipinos are so. Might as well not tweet at all and wait for the idea you want to show up on AND THEN start tweeting. It's not like you're not allowed to say what's on your minds, but at least stick to your beliefs. That's all i'm saying.

Annoying, annoying.

Sheesh. Seemingly everything's been topsy-turvy lately. Not that i'm succumbing to bum-ness and regressing to what I swore I would not let myself go into, but there's just some great sadness disappointment to all of this. It's not incompetence, I know. It's just the TIMES.

So, John, okay. I'll stop whining now and be fine with everything. Speaking of which, i'm kinda craving for a Nonfat Grande White Chocolate Mocha and Banoffee Pie. And it really didn't help that as I was rummaging through my old files, I found this:

So, thank you , John, for making me realize I put myself on house arrest today. :)

Love, Jai

i'm genuinely happy. i think.ü 050210

Something interesting I was not able to post sooner.

-= <3 =-

05 February 2010, 9:45 am

Let's just say the message at 4:59pm says it all: The same system lives on. As much as I would like to think that this is all a phase, I'm merely trading places with those who I had daftly judged a few lifetimes ago.

One thing's for sure: You cannot break me. Not when I've decided to do what I have to do.

Music's not so new, And I am an entirely different story.

Why does my heart hurt when I hear him sing? Maybe it's because of the actual concealed pain I'm experiencing now. Yes, it breaks my heart to detach, but that's apparently what (I believe) will cease all judgment on their end. Exterminating all chances of association will possibly lessen the acquired hate towards me. Hopefully.

-= <3 =-

Civility Appreciated. [Erm, if there is such a word.]

I honestly appreciate civil-ness with one person. I at least feel that the thought of plasticity is not entirely true to her. At least, that's what I think. It's plastic, but not entirely so.

It's sheer touture to detach! I swear, I'm falling into a blackhole, seemingly devoid of all hope. YIIIIIH. I know this would be a reoccurrence of hell reincarnated, but, again, life's a bitch and then we die.

I hate that I'm itching to vent to someone non-melodic--

I have to stop my reverie in its tracks because of an instance that brought respect for someone back to my world; Not that I've lost all respect, but I was losing hope, that the slightest bit of respect would be even more painful for my heart to bear. See? I'm not at all devoid of love and respect for what I do, though my heart refuses to love this the same way I previously did.

And it hurts. I admit, it does. Gravely.

Let me go back to my previous thought train. Again, the security blanket has been embroidered with someone's name, just because it hurts as well that of all people, one of those I should detach from have all the answers. I, of course, have them as well, but the fact that someone else will have to say it to your face trumps all reason sometimes.

Exactly. The workings of the mind make me swallow my words most of the time.

Ouch.

-= <3 =-

The banter makes me revert back to my noted friendships. As much as I would like to promote indifference, I seemingly still engage in measures defending my friends from the tastelessness happening in my midst. Yes, I'm happy that's still the case, but it hurts that I purposefully unfasten myself and can't even waste the time I want to waste with them--in all situations not limited to the outside life.

I shall vent later. Or at least just share.Ü

Therapeutic much? I'm beginning to feel okay about this. I'm beginning to love it.Ü I mean, it's completely obvious I'm lying to myself, but at least I'm acknowledging the possibility.

So, nobody messes with me now. Not now that I know can conjure up the feeling of being capable of dissociation.

-= <3 =-

There's someone anonymous I would like to thank for the current mindset change. Not that it will help, but at least it's something that made me rethink things and deviate from the nagging feeling of detachment and sheer lack of emotion.

So, THANK YOU. You have no idea how that thought made valuable changes happen. Thanks for being there, and for accepting the flaw that is me. Good times. :)