I honestly never thought I would see the day I’d lose all the fight left in my heart. It was indescribable and unreal, and there seemingly was no way out. It choked me in so many ways that even tears didn’t get the chance to flow; my brain didn’t even sense my need to rake all the madness in. The better part of my brain willed my heart to pull it together; and I did, for a little while. But when there’s too much I keep inside, it soon takes a toll on something else, and it left me drained and a million times more unhappy.
As I saw the rest of my friends disheartened and paralyzed, I realized I didn’t just let myself down—I let them down, too. I disappointed the people who usually clung to me for strength. I know I’m at least entitled to feel a little emotion, but the complete loss of it just made my then-crumbled world disintegrate even more. I appreciate to the ends of the earth those who knew me well enough to just offer a shoulder and a silently understanding heart, which somehow eased the increasingly heartbreaking moment’s tugs at my sanity.
I guess it’s in your weakest moments when you find fate working to your advantage. It builds a window where there once was none, and somehow, somewhere, a beam of light will shine through. It’s not the most perfect of circumstances, but it makes the most sense. And then you don’t feel so alone anymore. Some people still and will be with you as you go along your journey. And again, I’m thankful these people are on my side. I woke up the next day and slowly picked up the pieces as I nursed every inch of brokenness and tried to put myself back together. The fight wasn’t over, after all.
What began as a ray of hope radiated into a mantle of faith. Blind as it may have been, it emanated an aura of the turnaround my soul direly needed. I realized that my demise deserved redemption, and that losing faith in me didn’t have to involve the rest of the world. My tormented heart slowly healed and I focused on what could be done. Those with a fighting chance deserve encouragement, no matter how hopeless the odds may seem.
I say these past few weeks have indeed tested me in ways I could never have imagined, but it taught me to keep my faith rock solid as well. I know the resolution is far from realized, but there will always—ALWAYS—be a fighting chance. And that’s a chance I’ll forever be willing to take.
I cannot teach everyone to be strong, but I’m sincerely thankful to the Big Guy up there that I was once again taught to be exactly that. I don’t know what else will be in store for me in the next couple of weeks, but all I can do is pray that the odds work to my advantage. I know that next year will again be insanely different, and my scarred heart will be ready and waiting for that change. I hope that all those who have helped me realize these things will find peace in the chaos their hearts are now in, and slowly realize that life after a monumental heartbreak is possible.
Now, I said I experienced such highs and unthinkable hells this school year. And because of these things, I REFUSE to lose hope. I shall keep charging on until the very end. Fight lang nang fight.
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