Okay? Okay.

One step forward, two steps back.

I never REALLY understood that until last night. Allow me to elucidate.

When there's anything someone prepares for—no matter how trivial it may seem to the rest of the world—if it does not, in any way, happen, expect hormones to come into play. Because investment plays a large role in preparation, and when people lose them, sacrifices are lost to oblivion. Adjustments have gone to waste. And, to say the least, hopes are shattered.

What constitutes as grand to some may not necessarily be the same to everyone else. Simple sacrifices are seemingly basic for those who have done "so much," but allowing small lapses to happen in the continuous effort to turn one's life around to someone itching to make a difference matters to the ends of the earth, too. I don't care what people say anymore—that I'm aging, I'm shallow, I'm too prissy, I'm irrational and an overthinker. So what if I am these things? Getting me out of my rut by ever-so-untimely aggravating my mood will not help the slightest bit. I don't care if this is the first celebration of the century, but any normal, respectful, and considerate human being would know when the farce should end.

If anything, I tried my hardest to swing back to normalcy as the day went on. But you can't blame me for the nagging feeling that continuously crept up my spine. So it would naturally take a while, because I take pride in deeming the smallest things (along with everything else monumental) important—and not everyone can understand that. I trudged to my dorm and tried getting comfortable, but to no avail. In the middle of staring blankly at the ceiling, my brain decided to shut my system down and recuperate.

I felt as though I had a couple hours of (mostly) dreamless sleep, and it sugared up the neurotransmitters that made my earlier mood turn sour. I got less annoyed, yes, but I tried looking at the brighter side of things so I could possibly accomplish more work in the night. And then I let out a biiiiig sigh.

That's right. I took a step back and assessed how it could've gone differently.

Of course I refuse to persecute myself for what I felt. They were feelings, after all, and every human is entitled to have at least some. However, I needed to learn from how I miscalculated my reactions so that I could face similar (future) moments with a clearer head. I rationalized every step and came up with an even longer justification (which, of course, I won't write or even I will fall asleep from this oration) and then, finally, it dawned unto me—we take steps back to appreciate what we have moving forward.

I always thought that line was irrational—how come two steps back are needed? Isn't one just enough? Won't you fall behind so much more if, in the case of wanting to move forward, for every step to growth, you retreated two leaps back?

Yet I always found myself thinking that. One step forward, two steps back. Maybe I never really understood it, but I knew I would fully appreciate it someday (aside from the fact that The Moffatts had that line in their song in the not-so-distant past, a.k.a. my childhood, so I would naturally have a connection to it. :p) Like I said, I probably just needed a bit of time to have it grow on me. And grow on me it did.

As the hours dragged by, I countered my worries with something better I could hold on to. That (1) Donation was just not possible because I was working on protecting myself from future harm. My vaccination apparently took 3 months from my last dose before I could help out and give back; (2) Some people just don't get me, still. And that's okay, because some people do; (3) Social graces are innate—you either have it or you don't. And though some of the people I call my friends don't have it, there's a rather competitive percentage of them who do. Therefore, all is well in the world; (4) There will always be someone who will pop up and not give up on you in the worst of your moods. Thank you, you made me laugh, and; (5) It's only a bad day, not a bad life.

My steps back made my heart a little lighter, and I could not be more thankful that it did. Because through that, I found out that these aren't setbacks, but springboards for even more advanced growth. We are tested so that we may be humble enough to step back—two times at that. Because when you're in over your head, you forge on without thinking, and your fear is lost. And you become careless and forget the many things you used to have faith in. 

This may seem like too much for a tiny incident, but what can I say? I overthink. And I see that as a strength—because this way, I won't take anything for granted.  I will learn from the smallest of things, and pray that I may someday reap blessings even more than what I had hoped for. I'm glad this gave me a rather debilitating night, because it gave me time to ponder on what the good (and bad) things were for. And I couldn't be more thankful that it did. 

This could be an experience that some people may learn from (even if I had thoughts mostly about myself, or about anything within the lines of the multitude of things I said). If it helped you understand how I think a little better, then it partly did its job. If it didn't, however, then this is just another blog you chanced upon. Well, I hope you at least had a good laugh. ;)