I had an epiphany a few nights ago.
And it didn't matter that I had multivolume books before me, too. Despite my brain's efforts to make a beeline for The Zone, apparently, my heart had other plans.
It was something I just couldn't let go of, despite how much it would take a toll on my sanity. And as much as time proved me wrong, in a select few situations, my cerebral senses just refused to back down without a fight, which is precisely what's making it even harder for my blood-pumping machine to discount the facts that haphazardly flash before my eyes.
Preference never really bothered me before, mainly because I believed in equal opportunities for everything and everyone. Unfortunately, though, circumstances aren't that chummy with time, and so they continuously try to outdo each other any chance they can get. Fun for them, not that much fun for us. We are constantly flung into a world of make-believe, where fleeting moments toy with our hearts and mindlessly injure our brains. In the process, hearts are injured, too, and then you are left with double negatives that speak volumes of how it should have been from the very start.
It's clearly a shocker that the better part of my being, the self-preserving one, only decided to really take this seriously now, when I'm in over my head with possibilities and seemingly superficial happiness. But it's never too late, as they say. Someday, it will make sense why certain decisions will have to be made, no matter how delayed the commencement. I think it just works better that way, to assist my brain in trying to steal the monopoly away from my all-too-dominant heart.
Fatalistic tendencies need not be employed for now, because I believe that it wasn't really supposed to have ended as everyone thought it would, anyway. I simply go with how life allows me to flow. And because of certain things, I may never have faith in praises anymore. The line that separates that kind of truth will always and forever be blurred to me, and the only choice will be to stop the charade. In the end, I don't know if this will be something I'll be sad or happy about; but at least, for now, I can permit myself to stop believing in certain things.. And I hope my internal processes agree with me, too.
Funny that what I've been praying for for the longest time have turned into my own personal kryptonite. The Big Guy up there must really love me to have allowed me to believe in what (I thought) would bring me happiness for an extended period of time. Sigh. Even if I have always had a love-hate relationship with patience, I know, deep in my heart, that I am truly capable of it. Now, however, I think time is asking me to stop waiting and move on to better avenues where my patience will be better received. The bigger challenge, though, is how I could make my heart stop resisting this change.
I guess it's already tiring that all I talk about is my ever-so-conflicting heart and mind. But that's what drives me, really. I do not only function with one (even if sometimes, it seems as if I do), and I always make sure that I inject a piece of both in everything that I do. Love me or hate me, but that's how I was programmed. And there will only be a select few who will be able to figure out how my processes can be reconfigured. I most probably don't know them yet (I think, OR maybe I already do), but it would be super if they showed up sooner than soon. :)
I sincerely (and seriously) hope that this transition won't be exasperating to and for some of my dear friends. I hope they get to help me (even indirectly) endure this, too. Because no matter how much I deny it, I'm still just a girl who gets herself hurt by these things. And surely, that won't be a pretty sight. I will be stupid, I will be careless, I will be annoying, and even childish and inconsiderate but I pray that I still find a ray of light somewhere in my peeps.
In the greater scheme of things, I know that this will be good for me. Clichés aren't meant to be honored, anyway. Change is (almost) always good. And I think what comes along with it, acceptance, will be even better.
And it didn't matter that I had multivolume books before me, too. Despite my brain's efforts to make a beeline for The Zone, apparently, my heart had other plans.
It was something I just couldn't let go of, despite how much it would take a toll on my sanity. And as much as time proved me wrong, in a select few situations, my cerebral senses just refused to back down without a fight, which is precisely what's making it even harder for my blood-pumping machine to discount the facts that haphazardly flash before my eyes.
Preference never really bothered me before, mainly because I believed in equal opportunities for everything and everyone. Unfortunately, though, circumstances aren't that chummy with time, and so they continuously try to outdo each other any chance they can get. Fun for them, not that much fun for us. We are constantly flung into a world of make-believe, where fleeting moments toy with our hearts and mindlessly injure our brains. In the process, hearts are injured, too, and then you are left with double negatives that speak volumes of how it should have been from the very start.
It's clearly a shocker that the better part of my being, the self-preserving one, only decided to really take this seriously now, when I'm in over my head with possibilities and seemingly superficial happiness. But it's never too late, as they say. Someday, it will make sense why certain decisions will have to be made, no matter how delayed the commencement. I think it just works better that way, to assist my brain in trying to steal the monopoly away from my all-too-dominant heart.
Fatalistic tendencies need not be employed for now, because I believe that it wasn't really supposed to have ended as everyone thought it would, anyway. I simply go with how life allows me to flow. And because of certain things, I may never have faith in praises anymore. The line that separates that kind of truth will always and forever be blurred to me, and the only choice will be to stop the charade. In the end, I don't know if this will be something I'll be sad or happy about; but at least, for now, I can permit myself to stop believing in certain things.. And I hope my internal processes agree with me, too.
Funny that what I've been praying for for the longest time have turned into my own personal kryptonite. The Big Guy up there must really love me to have allowed me to believe in what (I thought) would bring me happiness for an extended period of time. Sigh. Even if I have always had a love-hate relationship with patience, I know, deep in my heart, that I am truly capable of it. Now, however, I think time is asking me to stop waiting and move on to better avenues where my patience will be better received. The bigger challenge, though, is how I could make my heart stop resisting this change.
I guess it's already tiring that all I talk about is my ever-so-conflicting heart and mind. But that's what drives me, really. I do not only function with one (even if sometimes, it seems as if I do), and I always make sure that I inject a piece of both in everything that I do. Love me or hate me, but that's how I was programmed. And there will only be a select few who will be able to figure out how my processes can be reconfigured. I most probably don't know them yet (I think, OR maybe I already do), but it would be super if they showed up sooner than soon. :)
I sincerely (and seriously) hope that this transition won't be exasperating to and for some of my dear friends. I hope they get to help me (even indirectly) endure this, too. Because no matter how much I deny it, I'm still just a girl who gets herself hurt by these things. And surely, that won't be a pretty sight. I will be stupid, I will be careless, I will be annoying, and even childish and inconsiderate but I pray that I still find a ray of light somewhere in my peeps.
In the greater scheme of things, I know that this will be good for me. Clichés aren't meant to be honored, anyway. Change is (almost) always good. And I think what comes along with it, acceptance, will be even better.
posted from Bloggeroid
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