I may not see eye-to-eye with the many decisions I see around me everyday, but I believe that at the heart of this is the resignation to my fate--that some things simply have to happen for the rest of it to fall into place.
Indeed, the only thing that gets me all tied up never gets old. It's that perfect moment of captured incapacity, knotting up every ironed-out strand of my sanity to the ends of the earth and enveloping my solace with a blanket of haze. It's one of those times when the ever-so-infallible strength I assume crumbles into smithereens. And it happens all the time. In the most random of moments, in those times I never see coming.
It's probably common knowledge to some that the one entity I take as my shield is the only ever entity that can choose decide to disarm me. I may repeatedly refuse to recognize its power over me, but deep down, my mind is sure that even a single flick of a finger can bring me to the road to my demise. OKAY, so it isn't really my demise, but just the thought of it harbors ill feelings of varying possibilities that my mind refuses to entertain. It's a transition my weary heart dares not fathom, because with it come options that my ears are scared to receive.
But since I choose not to spend forever in the never-ending abyss that is oblivion, someday I gotta get my sh*t together and man up for anything that comes my way. I don't know if I'll ever have the courage to truly deal with the aftermath, but one thing's for sure--tears will fall, whatever this transition does to my battered facade.
I know it's completely absurd to keep stressing out on something that can be solved by elementary mathematics, but the very thing that clams me up is the repercussions, if any, that something so elementary can bring. It's something I need to resolve, fast, because I know that my constant overthinking will someday bring me to the edge. And common knowledge also dictates (though silently) that things may not be as calm and pretty when all hell breaks loose. I can only pray, therefore, that I be given enough strength to persevere, whether or not what I've been praying for materializes.
I have no idea if I should really allow myself to believe what most people tell me. But maybe I should also consider giving myself the opportunity to see things in a new light. So should I follow the natural course of things, according to my immediate world? Or do I allow myself to remain in the dark, calculating every single time how many steps forward I should take to get to just the right spot? My mind tells me that something should come out of this soon, or else I risk heightened irregularities and nonsensical musings. But merely thinking about it constitutes some extent of pulse-racing and distractedness... That even in the midst of everything crystal clear and serene, there's a debilitating sense of calm (the unnerving kind) that washes over me.
Okay. It's probably what populations are screaming for me to admit, so here it is--I'm scared. This isn't something that goes according to plan, no matter how much it's rehearsed. It just fails miserably. Every single time. And the other thing that kills me is the insane possibility that this goes exactly according to plan, which will leave me dumbfounded.
In everything, though, there is something that's called a silver lining--and no matter how crappy situations may be, it's still there. We only need enough insight to recognize its existence, and to dispel anything derogatory that may relentlessly try to mask it. Because, in truth, everything is just a matter of perspective. And the one who chooses the worse alternative ends up in the losing end.
The question is, with everything laid out, and with enough evidence that has been seemingly substantial for the jury, which path do I choose? Maybe, just maybe, I really know exactly what to do... It's just this stubborn brain that keeps me from doing what needs to be done. I've been rambling for the past hour, trying to delay the inevitable, but in my heart of hearts, I know that this only leads to one thing. And that thing needs accomplishment for my heart and mind to finally get the rest they definitely deserve. I will make it happen. Someday. Soon. I hope.
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