Dear John

Dear John,

It's been a lazy looong day. I woke up late this afternoon morning, and have only eaten puffed Cheetos and a chocolate-and-peanut butter sandwich since. I'm speechless, I'm tired, I want something new to happen. But since my lazy ass is home, I've been thinking. A LOT.

It's been crazy on Twitter the entire day. Hate, disbelief, love, discontent, hope and bashing are a few of the emotions people seemingly pour onto their tweets. Hate, being that of the Hong Kong Government to the Philippines. Disbelief at our Miss Universe contender's response to her final question. Love for Ma. Venus Raj, Miss Universe 2010 4th Runner-Up, coupled with contented messages of her feat--bringing recognition to our country is no easy task--flooded Tweetworld [at least mine]. Hope, that someday, yesterday's Quirino Grandstand bloodbath will just be a faint memory to and of Filipinos to the rest of the world. Bashing, of everyone who's anyone and anyone who's alive.

Makes me think, really. Do we really have all the answers? Most people who tweet think so. And then most of them suddenly change their minds when they are contradicted. Again, that is just SO Filipino. Not entirely, in defense of the rest of the Filipinos who stand up for what they know, but a lot of Filipinos are so. Might as well not tweet at all and wait for the idea you want to show up on AND THEN start tweeting. It's not like you're not allowed to say what's on your minds, but at least stick to your beliefs. That's all i'm saying.

Annoying, annoying.

Sheesh. Seemingly everything's been topsy-turvy lately. Not that i'm succumbing to bum-ness and regressing to what I swore I would not let myself go into, but there's just some great sadness disappointment to all of this. It's not incompetence, I know. It's just the TIMES.

So, John, okay. I'll stop whining now and be fine with everything. Speaking of which, i'm kinda craving for a Nonfat Grande White Chocolate Mocha and Banoffee Pie. And it really didn't help that as I was rummaging through my old files, I found this:

So, thank you , John, for making me realize I put myself on house arrest today. :)

Love, Jai

i'm genuinely happy. i think.ü 050210

Something interesting I was not able to post sooner.

-= <3 =-

05 February 2010, 9:45 am

Let's just say the message at 4:59pm says it all: The same system lives on. As much as I would like to think that this is all a phase, I'm merely trading places with those who I had daftly judged a few lifetimes ago.

One thing's for sure: You cannot break me. Not when I've decided to do what I have to do.

Music's not so new, And I am an entirely different story.

Why does my heart hurt when I hear him sing? Maybe it's because of the actual concealed pain I'm experiencing now. Yes, it breaks my heart to detach, but that's apparently what (I believe) will cease all judgment on their end. Exterminating all chances of association will possibly lessen the acquired hate towards me. Hopefully.

-= <3 =-

Civility Appreciated. [Erm, if there is such a word.]

I honestly appreciate civil-ness with one person. I at least feel that the thought of plasticity is not entirely true to her. At least, that's what I think. It's plastic, but not entirely so.

It's sheer touture to detach! I swear, I'm falling into a blackhole, seemingly devoid of all hope. YIIIIIH. I know this would be a reoccurrence of hell reincarnated, but, again, life's a bitch and then we die.

I hate that I'm itching to vent to someone non-melodic--

I have to stop my reverie in its tracks because of an instance that brought respect for someone back to my world; Not that I've lost all respect, but I was losing hope, that the slightest bit of respect would be even more painful for my heart to bear. See? I'm not at all devoid of love and respect for what I do, though my heart refuses to love this the same way I previously did.

And it hurts. I admit, it does. Gravely.

Let me go back to my previous thought train. Again, the security blanket has been embroidered with someone's name, just because it hurts as well that of all people, one of those I should detach from have all the answers. I, of course, have them as well, but the fact that someone else will have to say it to your face trumps all reason sometimes.

Exactly. The workings of the mind make me swallow my words most of the time.

Ouch.

-= <3 =-

The banter makes me revert back to my noted friendships. As much as I would like to promote indifference, I seemingly still engage in measures defending my friends from the tastelessness happening in my midst. Yes, I'm happy that's still the case, but it hurts that I purposefully unfasten myself and can't even waste the time I want to waste with them--in all situations not limited to the outside life.

I shall vent later. Or at least just share.Ü

Therapeutic much? I'm beginning to feel okay about this. I'm beginning to love it.Ü I mean, it's completely obvious I'm lying to myself, but at least I'm acknowledging the possibility.

So, nobody messes with me now. Not now that I know can conjure up the feeling of being capable of dissociation.

-= <3 =-

There's someone anonymous I would like to thank for the current mindset change. Not that it will help, but at least it's something that made me rethink things and deviate from the nagging feeling of detachment and sheer lack of emotion.

So, THANK YOU. You have no idea how that thought made valuable changes happen. Thanks for being there, and for accepting the flaw that is me. Good times. :)

looking back. again.

"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them."

-Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

-= <3 =-

it always takes the last few days to get me to really believe something's gonna happen before it actually does. is it the preoccupation or the willful forgetfulness i allow myself to undergo to lessen those shocks of pain i expect to encounter?

sadly, i bend towards the latter more. i have known myself to selectively attend to what needs to be done, depending on its urgency... and though i love the results of the choices i make, i subject myself to unnecessary daydreams of progressing sorrow.

alas, the truth has hit me in the face again. this time, twice as hard.

like i said, i'm generally accepting when it comes to these things. not only because i'm so used to it, but because i now know what to do. but having someone mirror what exactly runs in the portals of my mind just makes me plunge into an even deeper form of induced shock that has to be vented out in whatever way, shape or form.

don't get me wrong, i completely love the understanding that underlie the revelation. however, i will still need a moment to breathe.

i'm fortunate enough to get the time to take it all in, but life doesn't bend that way all the time. to think that i live in spontaneity and whatnot, now it's all about planning and making it work.

here we go again with growing up. i've heard the stories, the lectures, the everything. i've also accepted the fact that responsibility hits you hard when you least expect it to. but again, i guess you'll never know everything about it, though it's exactly what you do everyday.

so i am now left to endure the perils of previously selected factoids. big deal. i'm just saying that however grand these pains may be, of course i have no reason to despise whatever happens next. so, with a heavy heart, i accept everything and allow myself to grow up some more.

what i pray for, though, is for actual chance to grow up as well. *sigh*

Maybe I'm Amazed

Looking back. Checking out the things I used to love <3

-= <3 =-

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you pulled me out of time
and hung me on a line
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you

Maybe I'm a girl and maybe I'm a lonely girl
who's in the middle of something
that she doesn't really understand

Maybe I'm a girl and maybe you're the only man
who could ever help me
Baby, won't you help me understand

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you're with me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I leave you
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you help me sing my song
Right me when I'm wrong
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you

closure much?

Closing Cycles by Paulo Coelho

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters - whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back. Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place. Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.” Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person - nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life.

Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.

Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

blast from the past

Saturday, November 14, 2009 at 9:11pm

WHOA.

I have been resisting the strangest urge to rearrange the files I've accumulated online since time immemorial. However, due to time constraints, i willfully extinguish the desire to do so just because I am, in large part, exhausted in varying levels--physically, mentally, and emotionally--and that's not gonna stop anytime soon.

As I was browsing through old accounts, profiles, and blogs, I stumbled upon one entry that evoked bittersweet endings, with a personal aww-factor injected here and there.

It's just crazy how I came up with this rambling in the middle of the afternoon, in a not-so-comforting venue, and with a mind-blowing dose of indifference everywhere I looked. I may have shunned the world from my me-moment and dived into the drowning seas of my heart at this time, but it's still disturbing to know this just came out naturally.

this entry channels memories of turbulent tenure. although momentous, that first step into the working class still sends pangs to my heart when i look back. i may have collected experiences catered to my fancy, but the immensely devastating tidal wave of sorts really welcomed me into the world of the working.

and it wasn't pretty. at all.

what is a "lost cause"? that, apparently, used to be me. and it wasn't pretty. in every sense of the word.

ewwwwww. the cheese, the cheese. melodramatic and fabulous.

-= <3 =-

BEGIN with the END in mind. Always.

It has been a long-standing statement that we should “live life to the fullest.” No one, in my opinion, has ever achieved someone else’s standards of fulfilment. For as much as we try to be the “fulfilled being” they think we should be, we can’t. We can only reach the extent of fulfilment we have set for ourselves.

When I think about actually attaining fulfilment, I remember all my hopes and dreams, and the million things more I want to get to feel that I’ve made it. But it would be too idealistic to believe that every whim I have is attainable.

Now that I know better, I see my fulfilment and success in the intangible aspects I can live up to and imbibe in everything I do. I want to be remembered by my family as the daughter who cared, the one who was there when things didn't go right. I want to be seen as the one who made life bearable for everyone (even to my friends), and the sister who thought of others more than she did herself. I want to be seen as the one who made mistakes but was not scared to own up to it, as the imperfect daughter and sister who brought sadness and disappointment to the house, but tried her hardest to make things right. I want my family to believe I tried to be perfect, but couldn't, that's why they loved me anyway and saw me as perfect… in a very imperfect way.

I want my friends to remember me as the one who had fun, but made sense; a good person who never failed to lend a helping hand or a shoulder to lean on. I want to be seen as someone who was there, and who gave herself to the people she cared about the most. I want them to remember that I looked out for them, and shared their hell with them. I want to be the imperfect friend they fought with, the one who was brave enough to stress the times when she made mistakes herself. Above all, I want everyone to remember me, not as the successful singer, dancer, or actress I want to be, not as the doctor or psychologist I will try to be, but the “imperfect success” who found fulfilment in surpassing life’s challenges with a smile on her face.

<3 Jai

lost for words

I would conventionally pounce on the idea that I will be lashing out on randomness and vexation, but earlier tonight, everything seemed a little different. As much as I would've loved to contemplate on negativism and doltish ideals, I acknowledged the fact that life must go on and I must become more of a human being [meaning, I should let go of all the "inarte" and deal with everything].

And then the magic happened.

Because I am a total genius, I courageously ordered a triple shot of espresso with my not-so-customized, mocha-based, cream-infested drink. I mean, they initially forgot to add the caramelly demon to my aching cup, but then, because I banked on OC-ness and verification, I finally got what I wanted.

I think.

The amazing thing is that, the moment people around me go episodal, I revert back to my fighting stance and try to save the day. Problem is, these past few times my coffee has been triple-dosed with the "elixir of life," [it revives you like crazy, DUH.] I commence the episodal tidalwave and then eat my words when my confederates fall prey to my mood.

Wuuuu-saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh.

In celebration of the year of the Tiger [can you say "birth year"??? HELLO.], I will cease unleashing sarcasm and try to be all angelic and stuff.

And then I suddenly change my mind.

So, to cut the story short, OR, to go back to my original train of thought, I turn into a sap and provide counsel on life's complexities to the bewildered.

Of course, I am not a total rock when it comes to matters of cardiac processes. So, of course, a tear that shouldn't be lying on the cheeks [or sleeve, for that matter] of someone I care about makes me CALMLY reach for that effing panic buttton.

So, as I gab and blabber on the workings of the mind, I hope and I pray that a miracle dawns upon our lowly minds, and we realize that nothing we have is perfect.

It breaks my heart to see people break, and it melts my insides when smiles melt from the faces of the people I deem important.

But that's not the point. The point is that that freak of a situation pulls them down, dragging you as well into an inescapable blob of confusion and pain. And then you realize that you are just as confused as they are, and you start rethinking everything you've been saying. But you don't.

What you do is kill the drama, clear your head, and believe that some semblance of a reality is still stuck there, unraveling truth to the idea that there is a bright side to your life's disappointments. So, you hang on to a hope that everything will fall into place, while secretly wishing that you didn't make a mistake in anything you just said.

Because you admit that you don't know squat about what they just heard you say, and complain that your insides have been affected by deep-seated caffeine.

But it seems as if everyone still believes you. Which is utterly crazy.

But, at the back of your mind, when everyone has gone, you mindlessly ramble on about everything that went through your head in those precious hours and get frustrated with the fact that everything cannot be put into words.

And then you look out the window, and see the sun coming out. And you realize you just spent the entire night awake.

And then finally, you plead to the heavens that no one has discovered your secret. Which is far from happening, after what you just did.

Nandito Pa Rin Tayo :)

A random song that tugged at my heartstrings... Thanks, Jemmy and Kuya Jie for introducing me to this song :) lovettt :)

This is just one of the songs that remind me of the good things in life. That no matter how hopeless or how pathetic life treats us, there's still something to smile about, some semblance of perfection that will imperfectly be perfect to no one else but you.

To the friends i have, new and old, you are, in large part, an essential factor in my existence. :) Cheesy, yes, but true. Always believe that in the course of our lives, when i am needed, i will be there. No matter how inconvenient or whatever, in some way, you will find me there. hugs to you all!!!

-= <3 =-

Naaalala mo ba noon nung bata pa tayo

Naaalala mo pa noon nung bago pa ang mundo

Kahit ano man ang iharap sa atin

Kahit ano ay kakayanin

Andami dami kailangan pang gawin

Sabay tayong nangarap at sabay din natuto

Sabay din natin nakita na nagbago ang mundo

Kahit magbagong lahat sa ating mundo

Okay lang yon magkasama tayo

Maaasahan mo ang pangakong ito…

Masaya malungkot

Nabigo naabot

Nandito parin tayo

Nawala nakita

Lumakas humina

Nandito parin tayo

Di ka mag-iisa may kasama ka sa biyahe ng buhay mo

Umulan umaraw

Nandito pa rin tayo…

Ang dami ng nangyari sa atin

Nandito pa rin tayo

Sa hirap at ginhawa tuloy ang ikot ng mundo

Kahit ngaun alam ko makakaya natin

Kahit anung iharap sa atin

Andami dami pwede pang gawin…

to vent is a beautiful opportunity. to keep silent is self-induced death. ;)

before rambling mindlessly about life's perils, i'd like to say thanks to those who replied to my momentous venting 2 nights ago.

i mean, it was generally not a requirement to acknowledge the hair-pulling sensation creeping into my bloodstream, but the acknowledgements were touching nonetheless. :)

[see, jemmy, this is a happy note. ;) ]

and to those who were not able to reply, no worries. i still love you all :) i'm in a loving mood today, although most of the people i've been talking to for the past few hours drive me to insanity by the second. and because i promised this would be a happy note, i'm sharing the love. :)

... BUT, of course, making this a happy note doesn't imply i can't be mean too. ;p [cue evil laughter :)) ]

-= <3 =-

since this is waaay overdue, i'd just like to dwell on other people's misfortune first and reiterate why that somehow made my day. this is not at all intended to be as mean as it sounds, but there's definitely a more logical explanation to me feeling better over what made this person agitated.

while feeling utterly disheveled because of the stress that hit me in the face, i trudged along the hallway in stark disarray and mindlessly grabbed my oversized bag from the miniscule gap that pretended to be my locker. as i was painfully fumbling with my padlock combination, some random heavily-breathing girl rushed to the locker across mine and started ranting about how her scarf got lost on her way to work.

in my lamest attempt to come up with a candid response, i looked up and realized she was indeed directing her soliloquy at me. flashing a haphazard smile, i just said, "hmm?"

she seemed to ramble on about how her sister gave her that scarf she just washed THAT was silky AND was beautiful AND was now lost in space BECAUSE it slipped from her bag AS she left the cab she rode on her way to work yesterday BECAUSE she was rushing BUT she says she's really mindful of her things BUT it was unfortunate that it happened AND her sister will kill her when she finds out that she lost it SO she'll rationally explain that it was an accident AND she wishes the scarf was picked up by some person who really needed it WHICH would make her at least feel better about the misfortune, without even thinking that i am uninterested to hear it.

summoning my will to understand randomness, i reacted sporadically and showed that i care. as it turns out, seeing how irritated this rather cheeky lady was about losing something she treasured so much, i felt i didn't need to feel so bad after all. there are better things in life to worry about, and i'm not going to let the stress eat me alive.

and now, with a badly needed series of deep breaths, i marvel at the lucid parameters that life presents me. and i flash a much-needed megawatt smile at the realization that i am not the most unfortunate person in the world. :)

so, to get back to the ultimate reason for this note, venting actually did me good. :D

For the Lack of A Better Outlet: A TRIPLE THREAT

--- 22 september 2009, approximately 11:00 pm ---

because of the elating moments that transpired just a few hours ago, i cannot help thinking back on the olden days when life was less complicated.

you went to school, played with your friends, and went back home. homework before spending countless hours in front of the tv, going to bed at 8 [although sometimes negotiable], but sneaking out in the middle of the night to watch reruns of your favorite show on the ichannel. hating to get out of bed at 5 or 6 am to get ready for yet another day of school. the same teachers, classmates, and everything, day in, day out. waiting for dear old dad to come pick you up. lazily walk around the house before doing anything productive.

awww. that WAS the life.

then again, i get smidgens of that right now-- the same thing day in, day out, with an injection of spontaneity once in a while. living in my own time, and not missing a step. when you think about it, you would say i've retained a little more old school ways than i actually need. but still, things HAVE changed. and no matter how much i rationalize, they will continue changing and will never make me stop wondering.

yes, i will prove that i am a sap because i quote Filipino movies. but i don't care. it fits into the moment like it was made for it:

"i want to stop wondering 'what IF'. i want to know 'what IS.'"

or something to that effect.

but still, i don't know what's keeping me from actually taking the step to bringing my dreams to reality. like i said, confusion's a bitch. elation makes one knowledgeable of the best things that could happen. although momentary, they show you a world that is achievable and liveable [if there is such a word] only in the depths of your desires. then again, desires do not stay alive forever. they fade, lose their spark, and seemingly extinguish their flames through the winds of time. and no matter how much you try to rekindle that flame, time has done its part in making you realize that the dream is now just a dream, that the reality you once knew is a reality no more.

--- 24 september 2009 9:34 pm---

in a matter of days, my views on life and the present have seemingly vaporized.

no worries, though, i'm fine and still encased in indecision.

however, elation feels so much better when experienced firsthand, having manipulated a random chain of events... but guess what? THAT JUST HAPPENED. :)

SOOO, all i can say is a "kaboom" to those untrue and hurrah to the victorious smirk i now have glued on on my face. love me, hate me, or whatever tickles your fancy, GO AHEAD.

because the only question i will ask you is:

HAS IT EVER OCCURRED TO YOU THAT I DON'T CARE? :D [with lash-batting action]

so now, i rest my case. :)

--- 25 september 2009 05:26 am ---

again, in a matter of hours, more facets of life have unfolded before my eyes.

let me channel my present state to this note and unleash the drama oblivious to the illiterate.

it's amazingly funny on millions of levels that hormonal bouts are seemingly passed on to my male friends. i mean, my female allies have just surpassed them this week, but my mojo-loving friends have increasingly been acquiring "traits" women are most commonly known to have: HORMONES. it just knocks my socks off that my triad [a.k.a. connivance team] has inherited the traits i am well-known for, and they are crazily enjoying the ride. well, of course, i am constantly being blamed for discovering the "HormoBot," [in the desperate attempt to make a statement to the annoyance that is a selection of people around me at night] but of course, things are acknowledged and appreciated just the same.

you gotta love education, and i'm sure my connivance team, et al. loves it even more. haha

cheers to more eventful moments then, let this world be a world to find friends in [hi friends!]. ;p

yet another sleepless night

***because technology's a bitch, i will have to retype my entire rambling and begin editing my initial spontaneous flow. if only sleep beckoned, i will turn my laptop off with extremely annoyed muttering and a heavy heart.***

tonight [rather, last night] has been a flurry of emotions.

this time, i am not sleepless because of love, theses, work, or any other brain-numbing thing that i will have to get over and done with.

i am simply baffled about life.

as my extended thoughts on life and the undiscovered flash before my eyes, i commence my written reverie by saying years of my existence have been devoted to what i want. but now, i can't help asking myself if what i want is actually enough.

it pains me to think that i will soon have to say goodbye to my comfort zone and venture out into the unknown. but that's the way the cookie crumbles, life will have to move on. as a matter of fact, it HAS been moving on, leaving me and my comfort zone behind. so now i am left thinking of what else there is in store for me.

sure, i will have to get hurt and feel the pangs of losing a part of myself, but it's all part of the road to maturity. so, now, in the light of gearing towards [further] maturity, i KNOW in my heart of hearts that i will have to decide.

for once i come forth with the key to my future, there's no turning back. and yes, i know i will endure. if only the process wasn't so grueling. then again, as what i've been beating my head with, it doesn't matter, because you're trekking towards your goals. so don't mind the minor setbacks. if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger.

and always believe that at the end of the day, you don't kill yourself for the hurt you've allowed yourself to feel, you kill yourself for the decisions you've made.

right now, though, my brain is indifferent to the screams of my heart. it's as if my heart is in a dark tunnel, struggling to get out... but my brain is still thinking of the beautiful rainbow that decorates my sky. i badly want to get out of this tunnel, to break free of the darkness and indecision... i want to get to that rainbow myself.

as with any road towards goal attainment, i KNOW that i WILL stumble, fall, and accumulate bruises and scratches. but i don't care. for the battle scars of life will mold me into who i can and will be in the end. i will not channel idealism and say i will end up being the greatest, but i will believe that i will be great in my own right. i may be seen by others as half-baked or even extremely raw, but i don't care. whatever i may be going through will not stop me from getting to my destination.

so, now, i ask this question with deep-seated longing: when will my brain inherit my heart's courage?

this is the timeless question that sends pangs to my heart. for however strongly my heart feels about change, if my brain does not help my heart alleviate indecision, the further stretching of my sanity will have to do.

yes, the first step will always be the hardest... and i can't help asking myself when that tiny step will happen.

sun's out, and i am still enveloped in the darkness of my room. sure, tomorrow is a new day, but i will never be silenced by my screaming heart unless that small step is made.

so, now, i will have to engage in more mind-numbing activities and displace the real thoughts that have lined my heart and mind forever...

and let my heart continue to draw the blueprint of my future. :'c

make me whole

20 October 2009, 9:39 am at the mrt, random thought:

it just dawned upon me that i seriously need to relax. despite my strongest attempts to unleash organization into my life, the efforts deem futile in this pathetic semblance of a reality.

************************************************************************

21 October 2009, 4:52 am somewhere in between. prevailing thought:

it's utterly crazy how people unite over misfortune and pain. no matter how much we attempt to prevent it, we seemingly glue ourselves to a unit that alleviate the inner dysfunction you momentarily possess. as much as we retain composure and selflessly think, the deep-seating nature of humans emerge and we, of course, find ourselves bawling over the issues we have not addressed nor even thought about.

i am honestly compelled to be where i am right now, and i would rather be with friends close to my heart. though my presence absorbs the suffering and heartache they unleash, i feel i am right at home with consoling heavy hearts and nerve-wracked brains...

if only i can get to the main point of it all.

honestly, though, despite my useful attempts to be knowledgeable and thought-provoking, i am left dumbfounded at the recent turn of events that have slipped my attention. i have absolutely no idea what will happen to those i hold dear, but the fight is yet to start. sanities lost and heart-wrenching matters found constitute the change that is on its way, and i am teetering on the ice-cold rod of minimal hope.

i hope i can help make things matter, i hope i can get out of this rut. i am a complete and total mind mess right now, i think i need the shrink. this is exactly why i love selective attention, so i can keep my sanity in check and appear as the epitome of strength to others who lean on me.

this is generally too revealing, in an extremely weird sense. for what it's worth, though, this is all directed toward one clear goal: positive change.

so i have no choice but to be half-baked in whatever the next few days will bring. so much for my powers of positivity. here's to the real crunchtime.

taking it to the streets

there is ABSOLUTELY no significance nor reason behind that title. i just think it sounds good for the multitude of sorts i'm feeling right now. :)

and the randomness shall now commence. :)

** * **

20 october 2009 0729am

it's been a hell of a ride today [well, "yesterday"]. firstly, a BIG CONGRATULATIONS to Abeleds for finally making it to the alumni bunch. :) woohoo, welcome to the club! :)

now, for your training... ;p

next, i am again in the brink of polluting my brain with millions of memories that i do not want to encase myself in at the moment. the mere thought of everything to think about drives me nuts, and the random-slash-irate customer service style might get unleashed once again. i'd rather NOT have that now, of course, since i realized that purposefully modulating my voice makes me save it more. and we all know [well, NOT REALLY, but if you know how i speak, you'll get the idea of my exaggeration] i can get high-pitched when i get argumentative.

harharhar.

but with the a/c right behind me--erm--i don't think so.

** * **

so, on to the bashing.

it's just so irritating that for some strange, demented reason, a frightening blue-collar rampancy is on the loose. well, for patience's sake, i purse my lips and randomly interact with the heaven-colored plate in front of me, claiming contempt. and the funniest unseen interactions bordered my sanity as white-collared minds basked in sheer delight.

let the mindgames begin :)

** * **

it is a complete waste to while away the hours of my existence in a trance, and that's what i have seemingly been doing for the past eons of my life. oh no. so much for productivity. but soon, i hope, my fate will take a different course. :)

and truly, facebook makes me engage in neurobics in my almost hopeless pursuit for further activity. it's such a pity that my refuge lies in an intangible world, crying out to the reality that is.

soon, though, fate shall take a wider trend, and i will be freed from my thought bubbles. i have yet to prepare for what's next, and brace myself for the wrath that is to come.

for everything else, i shall wait with a megawatt smile albeit the scare of unknown carnage. haha. so much for sitting on top of the world. ;p

Random: Finding Source of Your Pain [Source of your pain not always obvious.]

for the millionth time, i have attempted to actually write something of substance and share it to the world. but, AS USUAL, i was either exhausted like crazy or asleep, too tired to even attempt a tactile interaction involving my fingertips and laptop.

so while i'm still awake and pretty much alive, i begin my oration. and because i am now a conglomeration of sorts, this will be as random as it can get.

i found "Finding Source of Your Pain [Source of Your Pain Not Always Obvious]" on a Yahoo! popup ad thing, and since then, i found myself scrolling through the varying headlines, searching for something thought-provoking. to no avail, though. i soon realized that great things come in increments, and that i had to digest this tiny factoid first before i discover another line that shall pierce my heart's walls.

so, let the mastication begin.

i've always thought that dwelling on the pain something--or someone--has caused you is completely absurd. and yet in my most unpremeditated of moments, i find myself employing what i believe i despise. in my most pathetic attempts of heightened self-preservation, i subject my brain to the fake belief that i actually don't care--when in fact, i do.

usually, it takes a gargantuan amount of proving importance to make me care about trivial matters--because i know what i want and i know what i need to pay attention to--but really, behind this wall of strength and nonchalance, i have a heart, too.

so, for every tear shed and every heart broken, i share a seemingly hapless smile and get back to the perils of what's real.

so where exactly can the pain's source be found? [i absolutely thank the Lord in this particular moment that i haven't entered the world of medicine yet, or i will further pollute my mind with actual facts and figures and veer away from the point that my heart is driving at.]

i say it can be found anywhere, and can unfortunately strike you at any time. Yes, it may be coming from the one thing you treasure the most, or from that one great love you allowed your heart to experience, but the bottom line is, you will always think it originated from something else. AND THEN you start believing what you choose to believe.

what makes it even more excruciating, though, is that no matter how you allow yourself to believe it came from something else, you will find yourself bawling in the end over the fact that you never saw it coming from that one thing you invested most of yourself on.

and YES, it will hurt, and you will die a million times inside and have your heart crushed to smithereens, but you will have to use the powers of self-preservation to rebuild the life you once had--minus the pain and drama.

and when you've turned over a new leaf and have faced tomorrow, you will smile and breathe a sigh of relief at the emotional roller coaster you just allowed yourself to ride. and you emerge stronger and happier, and more able to handle the pain.

"if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger," "life's a bitch and then you die," the list goes on. but i think what makes pain matter to us is how significantly it has played a role in your overall development and resilience. because the next time it happens, you'll be prepared. and it will be simply amazing that it doesn't shatter the portals of your heart this time--you will have learned to take it in and get it straightened out. and you will flash a megawatt smile to the world, signifying triumph and total bliss. :)

-= <3 =-

for the lack of a better outlet, i again pour my emotions onto this virtual world i call home. like what i've been accepting for years, blogging can actually be a pretty therapeutic form of lashing out without anyone having the right to judge you--because really, if you're that affected, start a blog and lash out yourself, HELEEEW.

;p

it's such a pain in the behind that my current lifestyle has allowed everything else to be a blur to me. i've been sick, exhausted, out of it, and disheveled from the million ketsanas i allow myself to face every millisecond of everyday. and no matter how much i say that it's for the love of the game, sometimes... it just isn't anymore.

i've missed myself. and i guess i owe it in large part to a certain individual who made me feel okay again with unleashing slanders at randomness. i at least know how to [statement!]. i COULD say the same to the unintelligible trash some people bring to the table, but clearly, that WOULD be a lie.

-= <3 =-

i am truly annoyed by sensationalizing freaks without a cause. it's not even important that you engage yourself in this life, and yet you still do. i can only empathize to a certain extent [towards you, at least], and everything else will be fatal, even to me. my being will not tolerate your pathetic excuse for a life and will self-destruct, and of course, when that happens, you will be the only one to blame.

i hate the fact that the crabness creeps to the most insignificant of beings. like i said, the ignorance is lamentable enough. and now you allow yourself to be exposed even more as illiterate and bask in the momentary glory that exposure to criticism brought you? i mean, duh. get a life.

you pollute my brain with thoughts of pitiful self-justification, and i sure as hell don't buy it. unfortunately, you have proved even more that you are actually a disgrace to mankind and everything else associated with you. so please, if you can even fathom a smidgen of my point, work on being invisible already. because really, to most people, YOU JUST ARE.

oh, how i love random talk. ;)

-= <3 =-

have i proven my point yet? i know i did a million times. some people just completely don't get the fact that this IS the truth. i've tried countless times to be understanding and civil, but the utter idiocy of it all is what gives me recurrent mental torture.

have YOU ever heard of social suicide? i guess not.

it's irritating that NO ONE has gotten a clue. and i think NO ONE will ever get a clue because NO ONE is a daft, salon-dwelling nincompoop.

-= <3 =-

just so i end my reverie on a happy note, i'm happy. i think.

see you soon, world. :)

Jai needs...

Here’s how it works: Google “[your first name] needs” and share the first 15 results. That's it: it is that simple. But be honest! Then tag some friends to pass this on...

*i was going for "Jaimie needs", but i realized i like using "Jai" more, and guess what? results are waaaay funnier. ;D to the people who know me well, have fun! :D*

1. Jai needs to play in an uptempo style.
[http://sports.espn.go.com/ncb/columns/story?columnist=katz_andy&id=2855252]

- haha how much more uptempo? ;) okay, let me get my hands on something nice and sugarey and i'll give you uptempo. LOL

2. Jai needs.. to play uptempo style, a new job, needs to focus, help to come home, & a big story line.
[http://twitter.com/mytyp/status/3114407721]

- awww. what a giveaway. boo to you on this one, twitter. :(

3. Jai needs to focus on beefing up the family's cash reserve.
[http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1365/is_5_33/ai_94672524/]

- HAHA! this simply means my ass has got to get out of the house and back to work SOON! haha do you hear me screaming "alipin"??? :D

4. Jai Needs A New Job
[http://www.latingossip.com/television/jai-needs-a-new-job.html]

- <3 this, LOL. need i say more? #3 has it written down PERFECTLY. ;)

5. JAI needs J2SE 1.3 to install..
[http://forums.sun.com/thread.jspa?threadID=5382469]

- okay, this i have no idea about. ;p *krookroo moment*

6. Jai needs help to come home
[http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,20633905-2862,00.html]

- of course i do. i need help to come "home" into your arms. <3 eww. cheeesy craaap. LOL

7. Jai needs a big story line.
[http://www.backtothebay.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=32811]

- haha i know. i need a grandiose ending to my long and complicated story ;)

8. JAI needs motif native libraries on Solaris with JDK 1.4.
[http://marc.info/?l=ant-user&m=106491061405440&w=2]

- again, stumped. NEEEXT.

9. JAI needs sometimes to know the name of the vendor who developed the application, and the implementation of it…
[http://thierry.wasylczenko.free.fr/?p=66]

- yes, i think i do. so i won't have to tinker with every single program i install and go ahead and use it according to what it was ACTUALLY bound to do. LOL

10. Jai needs a really good producer to show what (s)he is capable of doing.
[http://www.amazon.com/Mondo-Rama-Jai-Uttal/dp/B00005Y1JO]

- HAHA i knowww! :D broadway, here i come! <3 haha ;p

11. Jai needs a business start-up loan and a savings account.
[http://www.bot.or.th/Thai/ResearchAndPublications/DocLib_/article08_07_09_a.pdf]

- oh, yes please! :D (with eyes aflutter :D)

12. JAI needs to be able to "see" the ImageIO tools as well, and I'm pretty confident that in your case what's happening is that somehow it(she) can't.
[http://markmail.org/message/7fzj53rgvkuvpikr]

- sheesh. another software thing. GAAAAAA

13. Jai needs to work on his(her) feet and ankles.
[http://www.bollyadda.com/2009/05/dance-india-dance-22-may.html]

- yes, to get this lifelong sprain(s?) figured out. harharhar.

14. JAI Needs Assessment Team learned that in the absence of textbooks, some teachers have resorted to making pamphlets.
[http://el-gr.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=212029970252]

- oh yeah, made one myself. think retro>st. paul pasig>I-7>algeb>math path brochure>miss camacho :D

15. Jai needs to understand that it is possible to redesign jobs around employees instead of looking for the perfect employee for each job.
[http://www.businessworld.in/index.php/Cases/Accepting-Change.html]

- of course i know that. problem is, you have to redesign (again!) once you get a new employee. attrition, anyone? :D LOL serious mode <3

there! <3 haha craaazy. ;p

New Music & Spontaneity

the sudden urge to "change it up" has crept into my blogging traditions, and i am left confused...

should i stay or should i go?

methinks this needs a plethora of everything to be decided on. no spur-of-the-moment answers, i hope. and i will come to the conclusion if and when i do.

oh, happy dagger! :o

right now i'm sad because we'll be leaving the family i have grown to love and be with... and so soon! :o but with the thought that we will forever be in each other's hearts, i am slightly comforted. after all, the missing part of the situation will be the hardest to live with. it doesn't matter what happened before, what matters is now. and i think i speak in behalf of everyone when i say that our life as singers has indeed begun anew.

so i pack my bags with a heavy heart and pray that all will be okay, miss all the USTS alumni for the rest of my days, and make it happen. for what it's worth, i know for sure that they will miss us too. and that makes the missing aspect even better. ;)

(the end of something simple, and the beginning of everything else.)

(Tonight will be just another night. What makes me nostalgic, however, is the idea that every SK i shall hear and utter tonight will bring me closer to 8:45 am.)

post-shift chill will be on hold...

my happy birthday krispy kreme day :)

the time-consuming quest for a shot will be held, too :o

(for the most part, i am excited like crazy for this transition. but what makes it ache is knowing that i will be leaving (though momentary) a team i have grown to love. argh, makes it even harder to pack, because of the frenzied activity my brain chooses to be in.)

bye bye team building sa beach though ayaw ni monette ... :(

though encased in weirdness, i had a lot of fun :)

( i leave with an even heavier heart, because i'm saying see you later to 2 teams i know and love. this other team is my living proof that friendship surpasses boundaries (most of it, at least). no matter how far our bays are, we alipins still go nesting mode when we get the chance, and it saddens me in unparalleled proportions that i shall leave the rest of the pioneers of the 9s. )

the alipins ng salapi... :)

hello, graduation. :)

( for the record, i'll miss YOU all, no matter what you brought into my stay here. be it irritability or sheer joy, i'm still thankful to have met you (well, whoever YOU are). )

GA SK bio team...

yihee. go a-team!

( SO, a "see you when i see you" is in session, and ttyl to everyone :D )

( be seeing you guys, all the best to you ;D )

dazed and confused

for a while there, i thought i was sucked into the twilight zone...

and then i opened my eyes.

of course, a computer screen with a single, almost monochroamtic window and multifarious boxes met my ever-so-fluttering eyes.

oops, i'm at work. :D

(but i'm home now, was just channeling the wonders of relay and beyond.Ü)

SOOOO.

those fated meetings were bound to conclude, and my seemingly hopeless journey towards unearthing the fossils of way back when magically and almost instantly presented themselves right in my face. so much for waiting for time to cease all foggy madness, i am now facing hard-core facts.

but, of course, since we all know that life brings us a plethora of surprises "every each time," let me go for the gold by saying i have learned a GARGANTUAN amount in those last few hours i spent as slave to life's effort to teach us the ropes with matters of momentary unfair-ness.

as much as i would like to elaborate, i can only say that i pray for the best for all the friends i know will enter the realm of judgment one of these days. all my love to you all. as for those hanging on to dear life, however, you guys know i am too. Ü

in whatever way, shape, or form people may see how life makes an effort to make us learn what we need to epitomize in our beings, i just want to let you all know i'll be here for the long haul. i don't know what else may happen in the next few days, but whatever it is, allow me to smile and finally put my panic button to rest. 2 days straight of panicky haven is REALLY not a good idea. :)

ANYWAY.

for whatever purpose i may be responding to, i know i want this right now. so, let us channel warrior princesses and be soldiers in our separate ordeals. i know i've contributed by heeding to wisdom's call and finally opening up ("no holds barred," haha!!!) and i know my piece was well-stated and finely-tuned. however, the most recent chain of events got me thinking. argh.

what to do, what to do.

i am just a puzzle of irregular sorts right now. i have just woven unceasing blabber and have turned it into a slave of eternity. for whatever it's worth, things are going to get better. let's make sure it does. Ü

luxurious sleep should be attained as well, to promote a healthier lifestyle and a paced heart. so, i shall retire. :)

off to the mattresses i go! ;p

beginnings and endings

it has always been a thought-provoking ordeal whenever i assess where i'm going in this madness people call life. at most times, i end up happy and contented with how i've seen things through different aspects, and i end my reverie with a smile and a breath of relief.

now, however, i am seemingly left dumbfounded at the thought of change starting to creep into my senses once again.

i am not at all terrified of what is to come. i actually am excited. but when i REALLY think of everything else in between, i plan nonstop and activate my panic button.

now that i've seriously made my mark on oblivion, my better judgment tells me i have yet to experience the wrath of time. woohoo.

as much as i want to resolve my thoughts right here and right now, time could not be a better juror in my momentary query. so i guess my phoned-in questions have yet to be relayed in utmost delay and i shall await the no response until time heeds my call.

no matter how my life is hectic in uncanny ways, i am in this for the long haul and i am holding tight until the end of the line. who knows what will be up when i arrive? only a few people know. albeit waiting for tomorrow with shivers in me timbers, might as well take on the role and make it work. after all, i still have a few moments of slavery (read: alipin-ness haha!) locked in my system :)

if all else fails, smile and make the magic happen. :)

Feeling A Tad Random... ;)

Rules:Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things about you.

* as far as i'm concerned, i have been living a double life for the past year. and i love it ;)

* i love SHOES, bags, and clothes. and everytime i go anywhere, i restrain myself AS MUCH AS I
CAN to not splurge... (most of the time, to no avail. haha!)

* i constantly want to reinvent myself. i think change is good. :)

* i can say that a good handful know me REALLY well, and most people who say they know me know so much less than they actually think they do.

* i love to write. and speak. and express myself in thoughts and words. i literally can go on all day. :)

* people always think i'm unappoachable and snobbish when they first see me, but (i hope!) they change their minds after a few times spent with me.

* i don't mind being with different crowds everytime. i don't limit myself to being extra-exclusive with one group. :)

* i believe in making a difference. i know you can't do it all on your own, but it will certainly help if you do something.

* i am a dreamer. i want to do so much in life, and i feel one lifetime isn't enough for all the wonderful things there is to do in this earth.

* i have a panic button ready to be pressed every single time. i do a good job concealing my urge to use it, though. :)

* what i am now has been the product of a series of unfortunate events. and i can't wait for more bittersweet moments to come. :)

* i am of extreme personalities. i can be the most bubbly person now and the most cross later.

* some people think i have a problem if and when i keep quiet. i don't think silence is a bad thing,
though.

* i care. even when some people think i don't.

* i can say that the 2 people who have ever really hurt me have become my good friends now.

* i don't give up easily. but i learned that waiting is an even better choice sometimes. it makes you grow in ways you never think you would.

* i am always a plethora of emotions.

* little things make me happy. and when these accummulate, they become gynormous... and that makes it the most special. :)

* i ultimately adore GERBER DAISIES. and roses and tulips, too, but Lord bless those exquisite GERBERAS. :)

* yes, i have loved and lost. and since i don't give up easily, i'm still hoping for the best. :)

* i'm a sucker for massages. a good massage gives me unexplainable happiness. :)

* i believe in the need for cheese in life every so often. it's those cheesy bits of life that make everything else go 'round smoothly. :)

* i know i'm not the most fortunate of all people, but i know how to live with it and i'm okay. ;)

* i often get judged for who i'm not. and someday, i will learn to not even care.

* i love my family and friends even if they prove to be usually the source of my problems. i don't exactly know how to quantify how and why i love them all, i
just know i do. :)

the beginning of randoms i will have to get out of my system :)

Entry #1
1. so, okay, yes. i missed hanging out with the alipins. kind of got a bit of that when jona and i chilled post-shift. :)
2. my current addiction: starbucks' iced (though i have it iced less) triple shot venti white chocolate mocha... yum!
3. i think the random flurry of cheese in one's life makes everything seem okay :) (read: one more chance) haha!
4. it's hard to miss people when you don't want them to know you miss them... because really, it'll show one way or another. waaaah loser. haha :)
5. weekend shifts are less eventful, which is great, but a tad lonely (missed you earlier, teammates. :( eww sappy.)
6. i know have to stop drinking coffee in the morning if i want to get myself some decent sleep.
7. i couldn't care less about my cheap-ass phone, but it would be great if i make myself buy myself a new one soon (post-birthday gift, haha!).
8. i just had the most bittersweet birthday, and i'm fine with it. :)
9. this is the first year ever that i didn't majorly celebrate my birthday. :)
10. people can surprise you sometimes. :)
11. i patiently await my Love Actually dvd... ahem!!! :D
12. i think i know, but i still don't. :)
13. i have just been informed that pearls actually enhance something if you wear them. i have no idea what that is, but i will sure as hell try not to wear them for the time being. (love you though, trish! i still heart the bracelet despite what donna and joseph said.:D)
14. i'm having fun with my teammates and not-so-teammates so far :) haha!
15. facebook is starting to get addictive for some strange, demented reason. :O
16. i'm a sucker for romantic comedies, which is why i need that cheesiness in my life at certain times, whether or not the film is foreign. :)
17. i still have to get that blasted Single Ladies mode out of my system.
18. i believe in retail therapy. :)
19. my refuge is nowhere to be found at the moment. :o
20. right now, i don't know what that refuge actually is... :o

like i said, randoms. ;)

Unplanned and Fabulous

after finally accepting that a plethora of emotions has just invaded my sanity, i revert back to my old ways and begin to write about the clockwork that is my life. and this will probably be the rambling that most people will find easy to decode, for i do not feel all that profound today.

for everyone's information, i am having the time of my life right now, and i'm not yet interested in slowing down anytime soon.ü haha ü ANYWAY. we arrived in berlin sometime around 4pm today, and i have already traversed the long road home while having a tug-of-war with gravity. sadly, my luggage still refused to budge and i was left with two overworked arms the minute i entered the door to my new host's abode (good thing my fingers are still alive and kicking because i need to catch up on so much. hahaü).

much to my deep breaths, this trip is not as perfect as i had imagined. and there still were twists and turns that i had to roll with to make things fine. haha the life of me ü oh well, i at least admit that i smile a lot to alleviate my facial muscles of the strain (and, possibly, future wrinkles. hahaü).

that momentous departure date will still be a shocker for me, mainly because i did not expect such a depressive event to haunt me the moment i was about to leave. i hope eveything turns out okay, though, and i know i will still continue working it out the moment i get back home. no worries for now, i'll just have to pray that things work and everyone will be fine. i have constantly prayed in every church i entered that life will be good, so i'll put my hopes on God for now.

of course, i'm great and enjoying a lot, so here's the good part of the story: every city, tourist spot, museum, gallery, rathaus, castle, tower, garden, palace, church, and whatnot that we visit brings tears to my eyes because i repeatedly realize how exciting the world is.ü this is an extremely beautiful cultural experience, and i'm still looking forward to the last three weeks of coldness and concerts ahoy.ü i miss everyone back home, but i know they want me to enjoy this as much as i can. so guess what? it's back to the old optimistic weirdness and happy people life.ü haha ü

whew. i actually felt bland when i started typing this entry, and now i feel a lot better. i guess my silence en route to berlin was a surprise for most people (lia et ate luchie), and the headache will soon be a bad excuse, so am retreating to my room and will achieve peace in sleep.ü

auf wiedersehn ü

Keeping the Faith

after a fairly pleasurable encounter with the ties that bind, madame karen and i trotted to dapitan to await our chariot en route to jem's abode. much to our disbelief, we spotted a partly-hidden house of haunted horrors (try spelling shop-a-holic, our worst nightmare ;p) somewhere down the road and impulsively and almost literally jumped off our chariot to seek for an adventure.

let's just say impossible is nothing. ;)

long story short, our thirst for adventure was quenched in some guilt-ridden way and we loaded on sinful sweets prior to heading back to the road where we were once going. too bad, though, the rain was starting to pour as we finally made our way through the annoying traffic of the busy streets of manila. just as we disembarked the carriage we last rode, we were faced with the awful truth that times have changed (additional charges now apply, haha!).

every moment of this spontaneous escapade was laced with the dread of actually succumbing to the truth that we have been waiting to hear for the past couple of weeks... despite that, however, we got down to business and began the journey to photoshop haven.

moments such as this make you realize how much you miss of the easy life you once had, one that required less energy and effort to grow to love. however, since time pushes us to grow and escalate, we make do with what we have and trod towards the unknown. and, sometimes, we end up loving the unknown too.

it makes me laugh to think that i got so accustomed to sleeping in the morning that i never even got tempted to hurry to dreamland the entire night we spent there. i sang out loud and impressively stayed alive amidst the droopy faces i saw, and ever-so-energetically joined in on the conversation about life and loves lost (yes, go emo mode! ;D). the moment of clarity was painfully induced by my playlist choice as i decided to randomly select a name of my fancy on the ipod that graced jem's uber-burgis ipod dock. much to our enjoyment, we relived the times as we listened to the soothing sounds of boyzIImen and whathaveyou.


barf bags, anyone? ;p

methinks remembering is healthy, though. it keeps you on your toes and doesn't allow you to take things as they are. the act and art of remembering gives your neurons a workout, and you turn over a new leaf every single time. soon enough, you will be saying hello to maturity and to the rest of the beauteous world. ;)


things will never be the same, i know. and as i conclude a part of my humble beginnings, i shall live to see the day i leave with a heavy heart and a smile on my face. i am not at all times so mean, after all. ;)

oh, and by the way, our prayers have been answered. ;) if this will be God's plan for us, let's al hope we make it good. like what we've been saying, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. ;)


"one cannot question the existence of feelings. they are there, raw and undeniable... but one can choose not to nurture what is felt. yet, no matter what they say, what has been felt will always be more honest than what was chosen."

To Infinity and Beyond

breaks are fun. :)

whenever i interact with people i do not really get to talk to that much, i find myself amazed at what i end up learning about that person and about myself. chance is such a good friend, it hands you life lessons at the most unexpected of times.

this is why i thrive in unreliability (despite my evident OC moments). sure, being planned and ready for anything is great, but living in the moment is fun as well. :) what i originally thought of as unreliable turned out to be something i'd cherish after all. if it weren't for the frequent breaks, i never would have come in contact with all these realizations that invaded my safeguarded ideals.

it is in these moments when i can say that the person who invented the phrase looks can be deceiving is indeed brilliant in every sense of the word. one simply cannot bank on visuals to know about life and the mysteries that lie beneath its portals, but must focus a keener eye on actually feeling what more there is in a being.

it's great that there actually are people still by my side, who give me enough credit to cancel all the intrigue around the world and focus on the facts. :) it's not our problem anymore if some people can't stand how i am, i'm here to enjoy the ride. whoever you are, though, bite me.

hahahaha :D

A Little Less Complicated

i have no freaking idea what everything that has been happening means.


they say these things are what normally happens in my newfound industry, and my rigidity feels robbed. my plan for all seasons has failed to cater to my OC attacks and i have to conform to the unreliability of life too...


oh, the horror, the horror.


oh well, at least i have my wave-mates to be with. i have to master the art of letting go once again, though... letting go of the life principles i've strictly adhered to somehow and enjoy the ride.


while life was attacking my rigidity last night, i frantically browsed through my phonebook and rang everyone i felt i could talk to. 3 people loved me enough to reply, but kim (replyer#1) was short on battery, and jb (replyer#2) was preparing for work. good thing roy (ringer#1) rang moi, and thank goodness, i was able to talk to someone. life is still great, despite the attacks at my weary spirit. :)


what's with the personal attack, right? oh well. :)


blame it on "that's life". :)


oh yeah, jb rang me too after a while. but then roy was with me already, so i cut it short. i promised, though, to tell him everything once i have time, and so i'll email him right after this. haha :)


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From a blimp far beyond outer space

***



i've been chatting with a friend from college for the past half-hour (ish), and yes, i have updated her on the perils of my sick, sad life. what was that, reza? go for gold? let's see. :p i've had a lecture from my everdearest "high school" best friend already, papa roy, and i want to keep myself sane and "nag-free" for a moment so i can properly function.



only time will tell, though. whatever happens, i'll make sure i'm prepared. i will never again succumb to pressure. yes, we all know how that went.


when pertaining to life in general, yes, everything is a little less complicated. but then again, i reassess where i am, and i find myself shocked with what i haven't been paying attention to that much. everything is equally important, but something really pushes itself to the surface of my brainwaves so much more than the others... i have NO IDEA where this is going, and i'm extremely scared. i just hope the dreaded cloud of confusion clears up soon.


as much as i would want to elaborate to clear my head of the mental trauma i receive by the second, i can't. i have to figure things out myself, and yeah, if in doubt, deal with it. there's no way this is going to be easier, so i'll have to face it and learn the awful truth myself.


i would give almost anything to be able to get out of this rut. if only things would fall into place and the world would give me a break and succumb to my rigidity... sadly, though, i am merely a space ant in this extraterrestrial dimension we live in.


sad snaps for jaimie...

oh well. upside or downside, i'm on life's side for the long haul. :)

see you on the flipside. :)

The Beginning of an End

Welcome to the world of the employed. Thank goodness I am not a bum anymore. Today marks my third week of training, and the onset of the flurry of migraines I shall expect and deal with.

Haaaaay. Life goes on. Like what many people would say, "If it doesn't kill you, it's gonna make you stronger." On that note, I start my piece.

In a nutshell, this entry screams the realization that I never thought two weeks of BST would actually make a difference in my life. I used to think it was just something I'd sleep through, a little something that will bore me to death. But, alas, I was wrong. As I attended class, the magic of enjoying work unfolded right in front of my eyes. Despite being the outspoken nut that I am, I am left amazed at what had transpired for the last two weeks of my existence. I gained so much more than I could ever have imagined, thanks to my new-found friends, colleagues (collage? ;p), and educators in and out of the office.

This is the supposed last written assessment we would submit, but our "facilitator" asked us to keep it instead. It summons a multitude of emotions, of course, and I had to fake sanity while reading it. It makes me feel nice, though, that people respond to what I wrote, though I originally thought it made how I am the epitome of imperfect.

With a special request by my day-long partner, Mia, i post this...

************************************************

BEGIN with the END in mind. Always.

It has been a long-standing statement that we should “live life to the fullest.” No one, in my opinion, has ever achieved someone else’s standards of fulfilment. For as much as we try to be the “fulfilled being” they think we should be, we can’t. We can only reach the extent of fulfilment we have set for ourselves.

When I think about actually attaining fulfilment, I remember all my hopes and dreams, and the million things more I want to get to feel that I’ve made it. But it would be too idealistic to believe that every whim I have is attainable.

Now that I know better, I see my fulfilment and success in the intangible aspects I can live up to and imbibe in everything I do. I want to be remembered by my family as the daughter who cared, the one who was there when things didn't go right. I want to be seen as the one who made life bearable for everyone (even to my friends J), and the sister who thought of others more than she did herself. I want to be seen as the one who made mistakes but was not scared to own up to it, as the imperfect daughter and sister who brought sadness and disappointment to the house, but tried her hardest to make things right. I want my family to believe I tried to be perfect, but couldn't, that's why they loved me anyway and saw me as perfect… in a very imperfect way.

I want my friends to remember me as the one who had fun, but made sense; a good person who never failed to lend a helping hand or a shoulder to lean on. I want to be seen as someone who was there, and who gave herself to the people she cared about the most. I want them to remember that I looked out for them, and shared their hell with them. I want to be the imperfect friend they fought with, the one who was brave enough to stress the times when she made mistakes herself. Above all, I want everyone to remember me, not as the successful singer, dancer, or actress I want to be, not as the doctor or psychologist I will try to be, but the “imperfect success” who found fulfilment in surpassing life’s challenges with a smile on her face.J

Taking Time Off

If not for the onset of temporary insanity, i would still be working my behind off.

breathe... let it go...

this has virtually annihilated the rest of my mantras, lurking in the varying convolutions of my beauteous brain for the past freaking months. everything else aside, it still freaks me out that i am to face yet another chapter in my twisted life. i'm screaming my guts out and i want to break free.

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyy.

it seems only like yesterday when i used to always think of how i looked whenever i'd step out of the house and head to school (yes, vanity possessed me in freshman year). i thought that was enough, and continued on with what i thought i had to do. soph year, here come the fireworks. however glad (and devastated) i was of my resounding 'first' year in college, i wanted to do something else.

and so, the magic happened. :) hurrah for it still happening until now! :) the hardships i've thankfully endured equip my paper being, recycling and recycling my every inch.

well, the rest of my years were quite topsy-turvy (in a good way, of course). though life was somewhat this and somewhat that, i'm not complaining at all.

word to the curious: i can't finish this right now. for more of my mindless ramblings, WAIT. haha :)

*laa-dee-dah...*