blast from the past

Saturday, November 14, 2009 at 9:11pm

WHOA.

I have been resisting the strangest urge to rearrange the files I've accumulated online since time immemorial. However, due to time constraints, i willfully extinguish the desire to do so just because I am, in large part, exhausted in varying levels--physically, mentally, and emotionally--and that's not gonna stop anytime soon.

As I was browsing through old accounts, profiles, and blogs, I stumbled upon one entry that evoked bittersweet endings, with a personal aww-factor injected here and there.

It's just crazy how I came up with this rambling in the middle of the afternoon, in a not-so-comforting venue, and with a mind-blowing dose of indifference everywhere I looked. I may have shunned the world from my me-moment and dived into the drowning seas of my heart at this time, but it's still disturbing to know this just came out naturally.

this entry channels memories of turbulent tenure. although momentous, that first step into the working class still sends pangs to my heart when i look back. i may have collected experiences catered to my fancy, but the immensely devastating tidal wave of sorts really welcomed me into the world of the working.

and it wasn't pretty. at all.

what is a "lost cause"? that, apparently, used to be me. and it wasn't pretty. in every sense of the word.

ewwwwww. the cheese, the cheese. melodramatic and fabulous.

-= <3 =-

BEGIN with the END in mind. Always.

It has been a long-standing statement that we should “live life to the fullest.” No one, in my opinion, has ever achieved someone else’s standards of fulfilment. For as much as we try to be the “fulfilled being” they think we should be, we can’t. We can only reach the extent of fulfilment we have set for ourselves.

When I think about actually attaining fulfilment, I remember all my hopes and dreams, and the million things more I want to get to feel that I’ve made it. But it would be too idealistic to believe that every whim I have is attainable.

Now that I know better, I see my fulfilment and success in the intangible aspects I can live up to and imbibe in everything I do. I want to be remembered by my family as the daughter who cared, the one who was there when things didn't go right. I want to be seen as the one who made life bearable for everyone (even to my friends), and the sister who thought of others more than she did herself. I want to be seen as the one who made mistakes but was not scared to own up to it, as the imperfect daughter and sister who brought sadness and disappointment to the house, but tried her hardest to make things right. I want my family to believe I tried to be perfect, but couldn't, that's why they loved me anyway and saw me as perfect… in a very imperfect way.

I want my friends to remember me as the one who had fun, but made sense; a good person who never failed to lend a helping hand or a shoulder to lean on. I want to be seen as someone who was there, and who gave herself to the people she cared about the most. I want them to remember that I looked out for them, and shared their hell with them. I want to be the imperfect friend they fought with, the one who was brave enough to stress the times when she made mistakes herself. Above all, I want everyone to remember me, not as the successful singer, dancer, or actress I want to be, not as the doctor or psychologist I will try to be, but the “imperfect success” who found fulfilment in surpassing life’s challenges with a smile on her face.

<3 Jai