lost for words

I would conventionally pounce on the idea that I will be lashing out on randomness and vexation, but earlier tonight, everything seemed a little different. As much as I would've loved to contemplate on negativism and doltish ideals, I acknowledged the fact that life must go on and I must become more of a human being [meaning, I should let go of all the "inarte" and deal with everything].

And then the magic happened.

Because I am a total genius, I courageously ordered a triple shot of espresso with my not-so-customized, mocha-based, cream-infested drink. I mean, they initially forgot to add the caramelly demon to my aching cup, but then, because I banked on OC-ness and verification, I finally got what I wanted.

I think.

The amazing thing is that, the moment people around me go episodal, I revert back to my fighting stance and try to save the day. Problem is, these past few times my coffee has been triple-dosed with the "elixir of life," [it revives you like crazy, DUH.] I commence the episodal tidalwave and then eat my words when my confederates fall prey to my mood.

Wuuuu-saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh.

In celebration of the year of the Tiger [can you say "birth year"??? HELLO.], I will cease unleashing sarcasm and try to be all angelic and stuff.

And then I suddenly change my mind.

So, to cut the story short, OR, to go back to my original train of thought, I turn into a sap and provide counsel on life's complexities to the bewildered.

Of course, I am not a total rock when it comes to matters of cardiac processes. So, of course, a tear that shouldn't be lying on the cheeks [or sleeve, for that matter] of someone I care about makes me CALMLY reach for that effing panic buttton.

So, as I gab and blabber on the workings of the mind, I hope and I pray that a miracle dawns upon our lowly minds, and we realize that nothing we have is perfect.

It breaks my heart to see people break, and it melts my insides when smiles melt from the faces of the people I deem important.

But that's not the point. The point is that that freak of a situation pulls them down, dragging you as well into an inescapable blob of confusion and pain. And then you realize that you are just as confused as they are, and you start rethinking everything you've been saying. But you don't.

What you do is kill the drama, clear your head, and believe that some semblance of a reality is still stuck there, unraveling truth to the idea that there is a bright side to your life's disappointments. So, you hang on to a hope that everything will fall into place, while secretly wishing that you didn't make a mistake in anything you just said.

Because you admit that you don't know squat about what they just heard you say, and complain that your insides have been affected by deep-seated caffeine.

But it seems as if everyone still believes you. Which is utterly crazy.

But, at the back of your mind, when everyone has gone, you mindlessly ramble on about everything that went through your head in those precious hours and get frustrated with the fact that everything cannot be put into words.

And then you look out the window, and see the sun coming out. And you realize you just spent the entire night awake.

And then finally, you plead to the heavens that no one has discovered your secret. Which is far from happening, after what you just did.