Feeling A Tad Random... ;)

Rules:Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things about you.

* as far as i'm concerned, i have been living a double life for the past year. and i love it ;)

* i love SHOES, bags, and clothes. and everytime i go anywhere, i restrain myself AS MUCH AS I
CAN to not splurge... (most of the time, to no avail. haha!)

* i constantly want to reinvent myself. i think change is good. :)

* i can say that a good handful know me REALLY well, and most people who say they know me know so much less than they actually think they do.

* i love to write. and speak. and express myself in thoughts and words. i literally can go on all day. :)

* people always think i'm unappoachable and snobbish when they first see me, but (i hope!) they change their minds after a few times spent with me.

* i don't mind being with different crowds everytime. i don't limit myself to being extra-exclusive with one group. :)

* i believe in making a difference. i know you can't do it all on your own, but it will certainly help if you do something.

* i am a dreamer. i want to do so much in life, and i feel one lifetime isn't enough for all the wonderful things there is to do in this earth.

* i have a panic button ready to be pressed every single time. i do a good job concealing my urge to use it, though. :)

* what i am now has been the product of a series of unfortunate events. and i can't wait for more bittersweet moments to come. :)

* i am of extreme personalities. i can be the most bubbly person now and the most cross later.

* some people think i have a problem if and when i keep quiet. i don't think silence is a bad thing,
though.

* i care. even when some people think i don't.

* i can say that the 2 people who have ever really hurt me have become my good friends now.

* i don't give up easily. but i learned that waiting is an even better choice sometimes. it makes you grow in ways you never think you would.

* i am always a plethora of emotions.

* little things make me happy. and when these accummulate, they become gynormous... and that makes it the most special. :)

* i ultimately adore GERBER DAISIES. and roses and tulips, too, but Lord bless those exquisite GERBERAS. :)

* yes, i have loved and lost. and since i don't give up easily, i'm still hoping for the best. :)

* i'm a sucker for massages. a good massage gives me unexplainable happiness. :)

* i believe in the need for cheese in life every so often. it's those cheesy bits of life that make everything else go 'round smoothly. :)

* i know i'm not the most fortunate of all people, but i know how to live with it and i'm okay. ;)

* i often get judged for who i'm not. and someday, i will learn to not even care.

* i love my family and friends even if they prove to be usually the source of my problems. i don't exactly know how to quantify how and why i love them all, i
just know i do. :)

the beginning of randoms i will have to get out of my system :)

Entry #1
1. so, okay, yes. i missed hanging out with the alipins. kind of got a bit of that when jona and i chilled post-shift. :)
2. my current addiction: starbucks' iced (though i have it iced less) triple shot venti white chocolate mocha... yum!
3. i think the random flurry of cheese in one's life makes everything seem okay :) (read: one more chance) haha!
4. it's hard to miss people when you don't want them to know you miss them... because really, it'll show one way or another. waaaah loser. haha :)
5. weekend shifts are less eventful, which is great, but a tad lonely (missed you earlier, teammates. :( eww sappy.)
6. i know have to stop drinking coffee in the morning if i want to get myself some decent sleep.
7. i couldn't care less about my cheap-ass phone, but it would be great if i make myself buy myself a new one soon (post-birthday gift, haha!).
8. i just had the most bittersweet birthday, and i'm fine with it. :)
9. this is the first year ever that i didn't majorly celebrate my birthday. :)
10. people can surprise you sometimes. :)
11. i patiently await my Love Actually dvd... ahem!!! :D
12. i think i know, but i still don't. :)
13. i have just been informed that pearls actually enhance something if you wear them. i have no idea what that is, but i will sure as hell try not to wear them for the time being. (love you though, trish! i still heart the bracelet despite what donna and joseph said.:D)
14. i'm having fun with my teammates and not-so-teammates so far :) haha!
15. facebook is starting to get addictive for some strange, demented reason. :O
16. i'm a sucker for romantic comedies, which is why i need that cheesiness in my life at certain times, whether or not the film is foreign. :)
17. i still have to get that blasted Single Ladies mode out of my system.
18. i believe in retail therapy. :)
19. my refuge is nowhere to be found at the moment. :o
20. right now, i don't know what that refuge actually is... :o

like i said, randoms. ;)

Unplanned and Fabulous

after finally accepting that a plethora of emotions has just invaded my sanity, i revert back to my old ways and begin to write about the clockwork that is my life. and this will probably be the rambling that most people will find easy to decode, for i do not feel all that profound today.

for everyone's information, i am having the time of my life right now, and i'm not yet interested in slowing down anytime soon.ü haha ü ANYWAY. we arrived in berlin sometime around 4pm today, and i have already traversed the long road home while having a tug-of-war with gravity. sadly, my luggage still refused to budge and i was left with two overworked arms the minute i entered the door to my new host's abode (good thing my fingers are still alive and kicking because i need to catch up on so much. hahaü).

much to my deep breaths, this trip is not as perfect as i had imagined. and there still were twists and turns that i had to roll with to make things fine. haha the life of me ü oh well, i at least admit that i smile a lot to alleviate my facial muscles of the strain (and, possibly, future wrinkles. hahaü).

that momentous departure date will still be a shocker for me, mainly because i did not expect such a depressive event to haunt me the moment i was about to leave. i hope eveything turns out okay, though, and i know i will still continue working it out the moment i get back home. no worries for now, i'll just have to pray that things work and everyone will be fine. i have constantly prayed in every church i entered that life will be good, so i'll put my hopes on God for now.

of course, i'm great and enjoying a lot, so here's the good part of the story: every city, tourist spot, museum, gallery, rathaus, castle, tower, garden, palace, church, and whatnot that we visit brings tears to my eyes because i repeatedly realize how exciting the world is.ü this is an extremely beautiful cultural experience, and i'm still looking forward to the last three weeks of coldness and concerts ahoy.ü i miss everyone back home, but i know they want me to enjoy this as much as i can. so guess what? it's back to the old optimistic weirdness and happy people life.ü haha ü

whew. i actually felt bland when i started typing this entry, and now i feel a lot better. i guess my silence en route to berlin was a surprise for most people (lia et ate luchie), and the headache will soon be a bad excuse, so am retreating to my room and will achieve peace in sleep.ü

auf wiedersehn ü

Keeping the Faith

after a fairly pleasurable encounter with the ties that bind, madame karen and i trotted to dapitan to await our chariot en route to jem's abode. much to our disbelief, we spotted a partly-hidden house of haunted horrors (try spelling shop-a-holic, our worst nightmare ;p) somewhere down the road and impulsively and almost literally jumped off our chariot to seek for an adventure.

let's just say impossible is nothing. ;)

long story short, our thirst for adventure was quenched in some guilt-ridden way and we loaded on sinful sweets prior to heading back to the road where we were once going. too bad, though, the rain was starting to pour as we finally made our way through the annoying traffic of the busy streets of manila. just as we disembarked the carriage we last rode, we were faced with the awful truth that times have changed (additional charges now apply, haha!).

every moment of this spontaneous escapade was laced with the dread of actually succumbing to the truth that we have been waiting to hear for the past couple of weeks... despite that, however, we got down to business and began the journey to photoshop haven.

moments such as this make you realize how much you miss of the easy life you once had, one that required less energy and effort to grow to love. however, since time pushes us to grow and escalate, we make do with what we have and trod towards the unknown. and, sometimes, we end up loving the unknown too.

it makes me laugh to think that i got so accustomed to sleeping in the morning that i never even got tempted to hurry to dreamland the entire night we spent there. i sang out loud and impressively stayed alive amidst the droopy faces i saw, and ever-so-energetically joined in on the conversation about life and loves lost (yes, go emo mode! ;D). the moment of clarity was painfully induced by my playlist choice as i decided to randomly select a name of my fancy on the ipod that graced jem's uber-burgis ipod dock. much to our enjoyment, we relived the times as we listened to the soothing sounds of boyzIImen and whathaveyou.


barf bags, anyone? ;p

methinks remembering is healthy, though. it keeps you on your toes and doesn't allow you to take things as they are. the act and art of remembering gives your neurons a workout, and you turn over a new leaf every single time. soon enough, you will be saying hello to maturity and to the rest of the beauteous world. ;)


things will never be the same, i know. and as i conclude a part of my humble beginnings, i shall live to see the day i leave with a heavy heart and a smile on my face. i am not at all times so mean, after all. ;)

oh, and by the way, our prayers have been answered. ;) if this will be God's plan for us, let's al hope we make it good. like what we've been saying, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. ;)


"one cannot question the existence of feelings. they are there, raw and undeniable... but one can choose not to nurture what is felt. yet, no matter what they say, what has been felt will always be more honest than what was chosen."

To Infinity and Beyond

breaks are fun. :)

whenever i interact with people i do not really get to talk to that much, i find myself amazed at what i end up learning about that person and about myself. chance is such a good friend, it hands you life lessons at the most unexpected of times.

this is why i thrive in unreliability (despite my evident OC moments). sure, being planned and ready for anything is great, but living in the moment is fun as well. :) what i originally thought of as unreliable turned out to be something i'd cherish after all. if it weren't for the frequent breaks, i never would have come in contact with all these realizations that invaded my safeguarded ideals.

it is in these moments when i can say that the person who invented the phrase looks can be deceiving is indeed brilliant in every sense of the word. one simply cannot bank on visuals to know about life and the mysteries that lie beneath its portals, but must focus a keener eye on actually feeling what more there is in a being.

it's great that there actually are people still by my side, who give me enough credit to cancel all the intrigue around the world and focus on the facts. :) it's not our problem anymore if some people can't stand how i am, i'm here to enjoy the ride. whoever you are, though, bite me.

hahahaha :D

A Little Less Complicated

i have no freaking idea what everything that has been happening means.


they say these things are what normally happens in my newfound industry, and my rigidity feels robbed. my plan for all seasons has failed to cater to my OC attacks and i have to conform to the unreliability of life too...


oh, the horror, the horror.


oh well, at least i have my wave-mates to be with. i have to master the art of letting go once again, though... letting go of the life principles i've strictly adhered to somehow and enjoy the ride.


while life was attacking my rigidity last night, i frantically browsed through my phonebook and rang everyone i felt i could talk to. 3 people loved me enough to reply, but kim (replyer#1) was short on battery, and jb (replyer#2) was preparing for work. good thing roy (ringer#1) rang moi, and thank goodness, i was able to talk to someone. life is still great, despite the attacks at my weary spirit. :)


what's with the personal attack, right? oh well. :)


blame it on "that's life". :)


oh yeah, jb rang me too after a while. but then roy was with me already, so i cut it short. i promised, though, to tell him everything once i have time, and so i'll email him right after this. haha :)


***


From a blimp far beyond outer space

***



i've been chatting with a friend from college for the past half-hour (ish), and yes, i have updated her on the perils of my sick, sad life. what was that, reza? go for gold? let's see. :p i've had a lecture from my everdearest "high school" best friend already, papa roy, and i want to keep myself sane and "nag-free" for a moment so i can properly function.



only time will tell, though. whatever happens, i'll make sure i'm prepared. i will never again succumb to pressure. yes, we all know how that went.


when pertaining to life in general, yes, everything is a little less complicated. but then again, i reassess where i am, and i find myself shocked with what i haven't been paying attention to that much. everything is equally important, but something really pushes itself to the surface of my brainwaves so much more than the others... i have NO IDEA where this is going, and i'm extremely scared. i just hope the dreaded cloud of confusion clears up soon.


as much as i would want to elaborate to clear my head of the mental trauma i receive by the second, i can't. i have to figure things out myself, and yeah, if in doubt, deal with it. there's no way this is going to be easier, so i'll have to face it and learn the awful truth myself.


i would give almost anything to be able to get out of this rut. if only things would fall into place and the world would give me a break and succumb to my rigidity... sadly, though, i am merely a space ant in this extraterrestrial dimension we live in.


sad snaps for jaimie...

oh well. upside or downside, i'm on life's side for the long haul. :)

see you on the flipside. :)

The Beginning of an End

Welcome to the world of the employed. Thank goodness I am not a bum anymore. Today marks my third week of training, and the onset of the flurry of migraines I shall expect and deal with.

Haaaaay. Life goes on. Like what many people would say, "If it doesn't kill you, it's gonna make you stronger." On that note, I start my piece.

In a nutshell, this entry screams the realization that I never thought two weeks of BST would actually make a difference in my life. I used to think it was just something I'd sleep through, a little something that will bore me to death. But, alas, I was wrong. As I attended class, the magic of enjoying work unfolded right in front of my eyes. Despite being the outspoken nut that I am, I am left amazed at what had transpired for the last two weeks of my existence. I gained so much more than I could ever have imagined, thanks to my new-found friends, colleagues (collage? ;p), and educators in and out of the office.

This is the supposed last written assessment we would submit, but our "facilitator" asked us to keep it instead. It summons a multitude of emotions, of course, and I had to fake sanity while reading it. It makes me feel nice, though, that people respond to what I wrote, though I originally thought it made how I am the epitome of imperfect.

With a special request by my day-long partner, Mia, i post this...

************************************************

BEGIN with the END in mind. Always.

It has been a long-standing statement that we should “live life to the fullest.” No one, in my opinion, has ever achieved someone else’s standards of fulfilment. For as much as we try to be the “fulfilled being” they think we should be, we can’t. We can only reach the extent of fulfilment we have set for ourselves.

When I think about actually attaining fulfilment, I remember all my hopes and dreams, and the million things more I want to get to feel that I’ve made it. But it would be too idealistic to believe that every whim I have is attainable.

Now that I know better, I see my fulfilment and success in the intangible aspects I can live up to and imbibe in everything I do. I want to be remembered by my family as the daughter who cared, the one who was there when things didn't go right. I want to be seen as the one who made life bearable for everyone (even to my friends J), and the sister who thought of others more than she did herself. I want to be seen as the one who made mistakes but was not scared to own up to it, as the imperfect daughter and sister who brought sadness and disappointment to the house, but tried her hardest to make things right. I want my family to believe I tried to be perfect, but couldn't, that's why they loved me anyway and saw me as perfect… in a very imperfect way.

I want my friends to remember me as the one who had fun, but made sense; a good person who never failed to lend a helping hand or a shoulder to lean on. I want to be seen as someone who was there, and who gave herself to the people she cared about the most. I want them to remember that I looked out for them, and shared their hell with them. I want to be the imperfect friend they fought with, the one who was brave enough to stress the times when she made mistakes herself. Above all, I want everyone to remember me, not as the successful singer, dancer, or actress I want to be, not as the doctor or psychologist I will try to be, but the “imperfect success” who found fulfilment in surpassing life’s challenges with a smile on her face.J

Taking Time Off

If not for the onset of temporary insanity, i would still be working my behind off.

breathe... let it go...

this has virtually annihilated the rest of my mantras, lurking in the varying convolutions of my beauteous brain for the past freaking months. everything else aside, it still freaks me out that i am to face yet another chapter in my twisted life. i'm screaming my guts out and i want to break free.

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyy.

it seems only like yesterday when i used to always think of how i looked whenever i'd step out of the house and head to school (yes, vanity possessed me in freshman year). i thought that was enough, and continued on with what i thought i had to do. soph year, here come the fireworks. however glad (and devastated) i was of my resounding 'first' year in college, i wanted to do something else.

and so, the magic happened. :) hurrah for it still happening until now! :) the hardships i've thankfully endured equip my paper being, recycling and recycling my every inch.

well, the rest of my years were quite topsy-turvy (in a good way, of course). though life was somewhat this and somewhat that, i'm not complaining at all.

word to the curious: i can't finish this right now. for more of my mindless ramblings, WAIT. haha :)

*laa-dee-dah...*

The UST Singers Hears Christmas Sing!

yes, people.

tonight's the night to hear Christmas Sing! :)

Check out the UST Singers
"Hear Christmas Sing!"
at the
UST Quadricentennial Square (Fountain area behind the Main Bldg) TONIGHT, DECEMBER 11 (Tuesday) at 6:30 in the evening.

FREE ADMISSION Ü

Hope to see you there! :)

So Little Time (soooo much to do!)

it just dawned upon moi that i have exactly four hours tomorrow to edit my future.

toast. that's what i'll be.

brain-wracking tension aside, i am now initiating another phase in my life--one that hopefully would end in a few months, one i'd be glad to say goodbye to. back in high school, i never would have thought fighting to survive college would actually bring you to hell and back. i just knew hell would be there (and, of course, heaven too), but i had several inklings concerning luck and compassion i hoped like crazy to be enough. or so i thought. i've had my pitfalls, those random semi-freudian moments i know so well, and my world sporadically crumbling to oblivion, but it was fun swimming in the mess somehow. the past couple of weeks taught me that there actually exists such a thing as justice in this beautiful--albeit crime-infested--world. the legacy of a few real friends made me realize the absence of "the box."

[okay, think of the box as what you think out of when you want to do something creative. for those who got it, congratulations. for those who didn't, however, hmmm... never mind.]

it's hilarious that when i start thinking of what to write here, i end up writing a number of my posts for over an hour. i know it's my fault, because i'm a... hmmm... "career-oriented" (there you go.) person, but what can i do? i absolutely love what i'm doing.

paradigm shift.

it is still baffling, though, that i somehow project a one-dimensional image to my acquaintances. for some untold strangeness, it is practically what and who they believe that i am. oh well. the thought just crossed my mind.

i currently possess a cornucopia of fused feelings i badly want to exhale to my immediate world. but things will change, and so will time, so the rest of the world's secrets should be vault-sealed until further notice.

ANYWAYS. i better secure my fate or the rest of the celebrated happiness i have scheduled will bear bad news. au revoir!

I'm Lovin' It

sheraton. belgian waffles, maple syrup, and whipped cream. banana milk. omelettes. new sheets everyday. Über fluffed pillows. taipei night markets. kuku-G. spaG. nai cha. 500 tea store. 50--?. tea bar. 7-eleven. endless wi-fi. cnn. houshanpi. shi lin. taipei main station. national concert hall. taipei philharmonic foundation. fortune & perlette. clothes markets. shoe markets. cotton club singers. subway tokens. adventures. getting lost (haha!). gym. sauna. pool. pabuk (freaky!).



the momentary time of my life.

Trying To Get The Feeling Again

despite the blur that persistently gets caught in my optical nerves, i have no other choice but to ace up my game (AGAIN) and pray like crazy to pull through.

okay, so things were pretty great for the past two weeks. i felt detoxified, of course. to some people, too, i projected well-restedness and an improvement from my previous knocked-out state. is that a good sign? i hope so.

it took something miniscule to help my heart pierce a ray of light through my soul. our high school yearbook, the notorious bearer of hot-headedness and turmoil, just came out (or WILL come out, i don't know). finally. it got to the finish line before i did. :D

so, adieu to sheraton taipei loveliness, back to what's real. prelims, here i come.

Bittersweet Symphony

my life as i know it is evolving by the second. i can barely catch my breath chasing after every millisecond that passes my way.

for what it's worth, this is a fresh start for me. on the other hand, it may mean my demise.

like what i've been saying, i've got to ace up my game even more. normalcy is not an option. regularity is prohibited.

conformity equals death.

i have only the slightest idea why suddenly, a renewed hope has dawned upon me. is it the thought of the perils of yesteryear that brings me to punch through this totally and ridiculously unsymphonic state? perhaps. but then, my worn-out heart is screaming for bandages.

hemorrhage aside, i know i can do this. this ray of light will guide me to where i will be. if all else will fail, i'll make sure i'll be able to exhale and say it's how things should be.

so, goodbye to the pangs of the night's storms, i am on my way to the beyond.

Tonight I Write the Saddest Lines

the title is not a typo nor is this entry a rip-off of pablo neruda's published genius.

i'm just down in the dumps.

The Beginning of the Rest of My Life

because of untold stressors and positive adjustments, my life can start anew.

i'm commencing this schoolyear in good spirits and a refreshed soul. i hope this new-and-improved psyche can help me end a chapter of my life. i'm not saying anything, but i hope (so bad) that everything turns out well.

for what it's worth, i'm missing everything already. but i don't have to say goodbye now. after all, i still have a year to coexist with the humongous population that nerve-wracked the past three (and something) years of my life.

enough with sentimentality, i have a life to live. sure, i will drown in paperwork and head trauma, but i will fight tooth-and-nail to get to the end of this race. see you on the flipside. :)

***kuyaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! i miss you! (eww, sickeningly sweet. :p) call me again when you have time. mondays and wednesdays,2-5; fridays,11-5. bahala ka na magcompute ng time difference, heehee :)***

In an Unnatural State of Calmness

thank God i can finally take a breather.

once this week reaches its conclusion, i will again be thrust right back into Earth. oh well. i shall enjoy the last few days of peace and quiet then.

all the talk i hear on pain and suffering is giving me pain and suffering. will turn off the TV now.

wait, no. i won't. oh well (again). keeping myself entertained with surgeons on the verge of momentary weakness is worth it. go, Grey's Anatomy. :) loved it since ever. and now i get to watch it again. yay for me :)

happy holy week to my vacationing friends, goodluck on and enjoy getting good tans :) toodles :)

(this is clearly a moment of peachy-ness for me. yay, me.)

Topsy-Turvy

welcome to the flipside.

since Lord knows when, my world has been topsy-turvy. i don't know why this keeps on happening, but for whatever reason, i'm completely un-myself these past few days.

more than usual, i mean.

after a fairly eventful weekend and a whole lot of work to do, i am back in the primordial mess i loathe. sensorium clouding ahoy. i'm still at a loss despite that ray of light.

i've got less than a week to pull everything off, and, once again, my sanity is crumbling to oblivion.

Lord, please help me.

Dreaming With A Broken Heart

or is it lying awake with one of these?

my friends are slowly making their way towards mimicking the glory of singlehood. i feel for them, but, as they say, things change.

as much as my weary insides prohibit me from falling into the pit of despair, i am in the slide of my life breathlessly freewheeling into the depths of the unknown. for whatever reason, the pains of life seemingly grab my friends by the hair and i am mercilessly dragged with them. ah, the life of me.

i have just posted an equally life-threatening message in the world that is the online classroom. that may just be the sole judge of my fate. well, i don't really know yet, but something's going to happen soon.

bracing myself again for tomorrow.

New and Improved

so this is how it is being new and improved. haha.

i've been sensing freaky foreshadowing, and i am prepared for battle.

i hope.

my world in a blur

WOW.

i's actually been half a year since i last posted anything here. so much has happened (duh.), i'm afraid i won't give justice to things if i indulge in divulging every nitty-gritty detail there ever existed. so my mouth is shut, my fingers are restricted, and my mind is flying.Ü

it's february again, time for sparks to fly. i wonder...
...
for the longest time, i haven't delved into the idea of veering away from my prissy schedule.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

hmm... should i or should i not? the time may have changed, but the question will forever be the same.

*sigh.*