The Beginning of an End

Welcome to the world of the employed. Thank goodness I am not a bum anymore. Today marks my third week of training, and the onset of the flurry of migraines I shall expect and deal with.

Haaaaay. Life goes on. Like what many people would say, "If it doesn't kill you, it's gonna make you stronger." On that note, I start my piece.

In a nutshell, this entry screams the realization that I never thought two weeks of BST would actually make a difference in my life. I used to think it was just something I'd sleep through, a little something that will bore me to death. But, alas, I was wrong. As I attended class, the magic of enjoying work unfolded right in front of my eyes. Despite being the outspoken nut that I am, I am left amazed at what had transpired for the last two weeks of my existence. I gained so much more than I could ever have imagined, thanks to my new-found friends, colleagues (collage? ;p), and educators in and out of the office.

This is the supposed last written assessment we would submit, but our "facilitator" asked us to keep it instead. It summons a multitude of emotions, of course, and I had to fake sanity while reading it. It makes me feel nice, though, that people respond to what I wrote, though I originally thought it made how I am the epitome of imperfect.

With a special request by my day-long partner, Mia, i post this...

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BEGIN with the END in mind. Always.

It has been a long-standing statement that we should “live life to the fullest.” No one, in my opinion, has ever achieved someone else’s standards of fulfilment. For as much as we try to be the “fulfilled being” they think we should be, we can’t. We can only reach the extent of fulfilment we have set for ourselves.

When I think about actually attaining fulfilment, I remember all my hopes and dreams, and the million things more I want to get to feel that I’ve made it. But it would be too idealistic to believe that every whim I have is attainable.

Now that I know better, I see my fulfilment and success in the intangible aspects I can live up to and imbibe in everything I do. I want to be remembered by my family as the daughter who cared, the one who was there when things didn't go right. I want to be seen as the one who made life bearable for everyone (even to my friends J), and the sister who thought of others more than she did herself. I want to be seen as the one who made mistakes but was not scared to own up to it, as the imperfect daughter and sister who brought sadness and disappointment to the house, but tried her hardest to make things right. I want my family to believe I tried to be perfect, but couldn't, that's why they loved me anyway and saw me as perfect… in a very imperfect way.

I want my friends to remember me as the one who had fun, but made sense; a good person who never failed to lend a helping hand or a shoulder to lean on. I want to be seen as someone who was there, and who gave herself to the people she cared about the most. I want them to remember that I looked out for them, and shared their hell with them. I want to be the imperfect friend they fought with, the one who was brave enough to stress the times when she made mistakes herself. Above all, I want everyone to remember me, not as the successful singer, dancer, or actress I want to be, not as the doctor or psychologist I will try to be, but the “imperfect success” who found fulfilment in surpassing life’s challenges with a smile on her face.J

Taking Time Off

If not for the onset of temporary insanity, i would still be working my behind off.

breathe... let it go...

this has virtually annihilated the rest of my mantras, lurking in the varying convolutions of my beauteous brain for the past freaking months. everything else aside, it still freaks me out that i am to face yet another chapter in my twisted life. i'm screaming my guts out and i want to break free.

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyy.

it seems only like yesterday when i used to always think of how i looked whenever i'd step out of the house and head to school (yes, vanity possessed me in freshman year). i thought that was enough, and continued on with what i thought i had to do. soph year, here come the fireworks. however glad (and devastated) i was of my resounding 'first' year in college, i wanted to do something else.

and so, the magic happened. :) hurrah for it still happening until now! :) the hardships i've thankfully endured equip my paper being, recycling and recycling my every inch.

well, the rest of my years were quite topsy-turvy (in a good way, of course). though life was somewhat this and somewhat that, i'm not complaining at all.

word to the curious: i can't finish this right now. for more of my mindless ramblings, WAIT. haha :)

*laa-dee-dah...*

The UST Singers Hears Christmas Sing!

yes, people.

tonight's the night to hear Christmas Sing! :)

Check out the UST Singers
"Hear Christmas Sing!"
at the
UST Quadricentennial Square (Fountain area behind the Main Bldg) TONIGHT, DECEMBER 11 (Tuesday) at 6:30 in the evening.

FREE ADMISSION Ü

Hope to see you there! :)

So Little Time (soooo much to do!)

it just dawned upon moi that i have exactly four hours tomorrow to edit my future.

toast. that's what i'll be.

brain-wracking tension aside, i am now initiating another phase in my life--one that hopefully would end in a few months, one i'd be glad to say goodbye to. back in high school, i never would have thought fighting to survive college would actually bring you to hell and back. i just knew hell would be there (and, of course, heaven too), but i had several inklings concerning luck and compassion i hoped like crazy to be enough. or so i thought. i've had my pitfalls, those random semi-freudian moments i know so well, and my world sporadically crumbling to oblivion, but it was fun swimming in the mess somehow. the past couple of weeks taught me that there actually exists such a thing as justice in this beautiful--albeit crime-infested--world. the legacy of a few real friends made me realize the absence of "the box."

[okay, think of the box as what you think out of when you want to do something creative. for those who got it, congratulations. for those who didn't, however, hmmm... never mind.]

it's hilarious that when i start thinking of what to write here, i end up writing a number of my posts for over an hour. i know it's my fault, because i'm a... hmmm... "career-oriented" (there you go.) person, but what can i do? i absolutely love what i'm doing.

paradigm shift.

it is still baffling, though, that i somehow project a one-dimensional image to my acquaintances. for some untold strangeness, it is practically what and who they believe that i am. oh well. the thought just crossed my mind.

i currently possess a cornucopia of fused feelings i badly want to exhale to my immediate world. but things will change, and so will time, so the rest of the world's secrets should be vault-sealed until further notice.

ANYWAYS. i better secure my fate or the rest of the celebrated happiness i have scheduled will bear bad news. au revoir!

I'm Lovin' It

sheraton. belgian waffles, maple syrup, and whipped cream. banana milk. omelettes. new sheets everyday. Über fluffed pillows. taipei night markets. kuku-G. spaG. nai cha. 500 tea store. 50--?. tea bar. 7-eleven. endless wi-fi. cnn. houshanpi. shi lin. taipei main station. national concert hall. taipei philharmonic foundation. fortune & perlette. clothes markets. shoe markets. cotton club singers. subway tokens. adventures. getting lost (haha!). gym. sauna. pool. pabuk (freaky!).



the momentary time of my life.

Trying To Get The Feeling Again

despite the blur that persistently gets caught in my optical nerves, i have no other choice but to ace up my game (AGAIN) and pray like crazy to pull through.

okay, so things were pretty great for the past two weeks. i felt detoxified, of course. to some people, too, i projected well-restedness and an improvement from my previous knocked-out state. is that a good sign? i hope so.

it took something miniscule to help my heart pierce a ray of light through my soul. our high school yearbook, the notorious bearer of hot-headedness and turmoil, just came out (or WILL come out, i don't know). finally. it got to the finish line before i did. :D

so, adieu to sheraton taipei loveliness, back to what's real. prelims, here i come.

Bittersweet Symphony

my life as i know it is evolving by the second. i can barely catch my breath chasing after every millisecond that passes my way.

for what it's worth, this is a fresh start for me. on the other hand, it may mean my demise.

like what i've been saying, i've got to ace up my game even more. normalcy is not an option. regularity is prohibited.

conformity equals death.

i have only the slightest idea why suddenly, a renewed hope has dawned upon me. is it the thought of the perils of yesteryear that brings me to punch through this totally and ridiculously unsymphonic state? perhaps. but then, my worn-out heart is screaming for bandages.

hemorrhage aside, i know i can do this. this ray of light will guide me to where i will be. if all else will fail, i'll make sure i'll be able to exhale and say it's how things should be.

so, goodbye to the pangs of the night's storms, i am on my way to the beyond.

Tonight I Write the Saddest Lines

the title is not a typo nor is this entry a rip-off of pablo neruda's published genius.

i'm just down in the dumps.

The Beginning of the Rest of My Life

because of untold stressors and positive adjustments, my life can start anew.

i'm commencing this schoolyear in good spirits and a refreshed soul. i hope this new-and-improved psyche can help me end a chapter of my life. i'm not saying anything, but i hope (so bad) that everything turns out well.

for what it's worth, i'm missing everything already. but i don't have to say goodbye now. after all, i still have a year to coexist with the humongous population that nerve-wracked the past three (and something) years of my life.

enough with sentimentality, i have a life to live. sure, i will drown in paperwork and head trauma, but i will fight tooth-and-nail to get to the end of this race. see you on the flipside. :)

***kuyaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! i miss you! (eww, sickeningly sweet. :p) call me again when you have time. mondays and wednesdays,2-5; fridays,11-5. bahala ka na magcompute ng time difference, heehee :)***

In an Unnatural State of Calmness

thank God i can finally take a breather.

once this week reaches its conclusion, i will again be thrust right back into Earth. oh well. i shall enjoy the last few days of peace and quiet then.

all the talk i hear on pain and suffering is giving me pain and suffering. will turn off the TV now.

wait, no. i won't. oh well (again). keeping myself entertained with surgeons on the verge of momentary weakness is worth it. go, Grey's Anatomy. :) loved it since ever. and now i get to watch it again. yay for me :)

happy holy week to my vacationing friends, goodluck on and enjoy getting good tans :) toodles :)

(this is clearly a moment of peachy-ness for me. yay, me.)

Topsy-Turvy

welcome to the flipside.

since Lord knows when, my world has been topsy-turvy. i don't know why this keeps on happening, but for whatever reason, i'm completely un-myself these past few days.

more than usual, i mean.

after a fairly eventful weekend and a whole lot of work to do, i am back in the primordial mess i loathe. sensorium clouding ahoy. i'm still at a loss despite that ray of light.

i've got less than a week to pull everything off, and, once again, my sanity is crumbling to oblivion.

Lord, please help me.

Dreaming With A Broken Heart

or is it lying awake with one of these?

my friends are slowly making their way towards mimicking the glory of singlehood. i feel for them, but, as they say, things change.

as much as my weary insides prohibit me from falling into the pit of despair, i am in the slide of my life breathlessly freewheeling into the depths of the unknown. for whatever reason, the pains of life seemingly grab my friends by the hair and i am mercilessly dragged with them. ah, the life of me.

i have just posted an equally life-threatening message in the world that is the online classroom. that may just be the sole judge of my fate. well, i don't really know yet, but something's going to happen soon.

bracing myself again for tomorrow.

New and Improved

so this is how it is being new and improved. haha.

i've been sensing freaky foreshadowing, and i am prepared for battle.

i hope.

my world in a blur

WOW.

i's actually been half a year since i last posted anything here. so much has happened (duh.), i'm afraid i won't give justice to things if i indulge in divulging every nitty-gritty detail there ever existed. so my mouth is shut, my fingers are restricted, and my mind is flying.Ü

it's february again, time for sparks to fly. i wonder...
...
for the longest time, i haven't delved into the idea of veering away from my prissy schedule.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

hmm... should i or should i not? the time may have changed, but the question will forever be the same.

*sigh.*

HEART, actually.

my heart actually hurts.

many of you would think that this was supposed to be entitled "love actually" (as opposed to "heart, actually."), that being one of my all-time fave movies. but it's not, so, whatever.

after witnessing an unexpected moment, it really surprised me that my heart actually hurt--for real. it was neither a mere pang, nor was it a painful twitch; for some weirdly unexplainable reason, it was real pain. it must have been some constriction or a medically-explainable whatnot, but i felt it--i'm feeling it. and it doesn't seem to go away.

this could be an influence of my dear partner-in-crime, to the truest extent that we feel each other's pains now. but i know this is solely mine. with touches of my world's facets maybe, but mostly of right now.

due to events uncalled for, i am again stuck in a rut. "i don't know why i'm frightened, i know my way around here..." for as long as i can remember, i have been baffled with the uncertainties of this same opportunity. but i have no idea why everything scares me so much more now. to quote mine wise sensei, "...there are no mistakes, just lessons to be learned." and i still have no idea why the aftershocks do not insist themselves into my anatomy. although actions have been made by some to sensationalize this supposed bizaare manifestation, my hypothalamus still seeks to ponder on what should be. sure, things are better now. but what makes that an assurance that everything will be fine?

i know, how obsessive of me to be such an automator. but i can't help it if i know deep down that something is definitely up. you can't blame a woman for her intuition, after all. that's what keeps us going. meanwhile, amidst all the hullabaloo, i still cannot fathom what exactly the plan for me is.

i'm going crazy, my head is spinning. i can't just make myself believe that this is fine. my corpus callosum is severed, my hemispheres do not work well anymore. bottomline? i'm toast.

Wrong Place, Wrong Time.

just when i thought things are harboring back smidgens of normalcy, i thrust myself into a world of unchartered dispute. the fallacy that is my knowledge is tested in the waters of uncertainty, i can just die.

why do the beloved live such an inconsequential life? my heart's despair reaches to the depths of the earth's core. sometimes, when you perceive moments as real, you find out pretty soon that it was all a lie.

i knew destiny couldn't have helped ranting about missed instances. i knew right off the bat i was to become an accessory to the complications of varied beadwork. if only i had seen the bigger picture sooner, i would not feel this way.

so, now dear sister is the rancidly unscrupulous being that graced fate's existence. how should she know she's being cursed to oblivion by those dearest to her anatomy? everything is so darn surreal, i hate it.

it's a good thing people rarely grasp the precision of mine inscriptions. add to that the little factoid that is my esotericity. there is solace in the vehemence my veins emit. mi fuera leaps to the bounds of the unknown, and my work will never be done.

i have never felt a melange of such in the past eons of my existence. i am EXTREMELY stupid for having fallen for a lie. and i initiated the truce.

i am such a loser.

i have guarded my physiology against that kind for so long, my walls are crumbling. i am a confused mound of a life. will my alternate universe please set me free?

NEVER AGAIN. half-baked uncertainty in the magnitude of life's shreddings of essential truths. time will come, and i will finally break free from all of this.

please.

Time and Time Again

for the past eons of my life, flakeouts were persistently emerging from the cracks of beyond. as much as i try to work with these dents i dodge with all my might, there is always that one time when all hell breaks loose... and the flakeouts come crashing down on you.

unfortunately, that day had to be today. my sleeplessly quiet dawn was shattered by untold circumstances... and my life morphed into the life i never knew. the life i passed by, the life i saw from a distance.

but i had to live in the agony today. why today? why now that i did not prepare at all? if only i had forseen this...

then again, it is truly wise to expect the unexpected. i know i'm changing, i'm doing all i can to cope. but i wasn't as ready now. God is fair. He leaves you dumbfounded in random moments of your life, and you stare in awe and relentlessly hold on to dear life and to the greater power that is His will. times like these, we all are left mystified of the glory of how He truly is.

i really understand where you're coming from, but what happened happened. it would be hypocritical to say i feel for you ten million percent, but i understand. you also have to understand now that things happen for a reason. and what matters is how you work with it. cliche, yes. but SO true.

these moments are showered upon us to foster the growth of our recklessnesses, to edify us of the truth that there are other people we affect than just ourselves. we are caught unaware, as opposed to grasping every drop of the reality that there is.so what to do?

deal with it.

sounds harsh, but that's life. my flakeouts will come again, but whatever happens, i'll be sticking to it. all that's let for me to do now is BREATHE.

BREATHE...
breathe...
breathe.

madness ahoy

it's 3:03 am and i'm still up.

there's something unnatural about this habit, yet i seem to always result to this.

no classes tomorrow. again. rest is on its way.

despite numerous attempts to regain restlessness, i still succumb to anesthetized frenzy. i'm losing my mind. my brain cells are dissolving into oblivion.

or so i thought.

true enough, the wheels are still turning--incessantly, if i may add--that it hurts. i have just done loads of emailing, my head hurts. the world must be filled with all my blabber by now. and it sucks. if only i knew a few eons ago that the minutes prior to this hour would hook me to the dreaded physical and mental state, i would not have explored the waves too much. meanwhile, i am basking in my sanity in this extremely unholy hour.

i'm melting...

Crime Overdue

world, this'll be bleeped.

(the date is 07 june 2006, 12:14 in the afternoon. the sun is extreme, and a medley of tension and relief is in the air. cinderella, in a plain white uniform carrying a pink and purple largely- checkered bag, age 20, enters, stage right. she walks to the solitary chair at the end of a table on stage left and disarrays notepaper in front of her. she takes out a notebook and a blue pen, and starts to write...)

pitstop haven= unexpected freakland.

i am compelled to digest [with extremely careful initial mastication] a whole chunk of bread in this haven of uncertainty. i seemingly drown myself in agua to further numb my tracts of any solid food intake.

a million thanks to the Lord for a slice of heaven from beyond.Ü and now my premonitions of greater responsibilities [and total euphoria] have been answered. oh yeah!

(she looks around the crowded place and takes a deep breath. eyes closed, she feels the weight of the day's pressures on her shoulders.

another deep breath.

she opens her eyes and continues her astral journey...)

i now know that once again, the issues are alive. or have they ever been dead? i kind of don't think so. oh well. at least the issues are of coolness and untold hubba-hubbas.;)

yipee! albeit ideas of queerness and hands-offness, i am still amazed of my SSP's enthronement and freakish buoyance.

man, oh man. i just LOVE life. maybe all these happened for a reason---for me to really find myself in this ultrachaotic world--and web--of lies and slivers of truth. i may be millions of light-years away from relevance to their kind, but the association is signed, sealed, and delivered. i am in a league of my own, and i am so stinkin' happy about it.

as i savor the final few bites of this breadly uncertainty, i reminisce hearing the valentine's' non-happenings for some people out there. Go sir!Ü

methinks they lurve moi endeavors. they want to shift to my side this time. yeayea! coolness.Ü

i now recognize the past and put together a face and a name. she was the legality to cha's illegality, i get it now. the apple of his eye. haha. now i know.

ano yan?

(point. point. point. she feels unmistakably freakish, but pulls off bouts of a relaxed mind. hurrah!)

the last bite. ubercrisp goodness suddenly deemed delectable by one's picky tastebuds. a sense of heaven in today's events. thank you, Lord!

extreme joy. giddy-happy. major score, man.

B-E-A-utiful.ÜÜÜ

Survival Of The Fittest

thoughts of previous tasks...

time to deal with all i've left behind now.

what's done is done.

so far, so good. storm into school like a regular human being, with millions to share. as far as i know, irregularity does not kill. it may merely infuriate my beloved mental capacity at times, but still. summer science, here i come.

i really hope we leave on that proposed month, though. so as to get a headstart on rebuilding my academic life. if things go as planned, i'll be normal by next year. i mean---my next year. that's not so bad, right? i mean, i know it can only get better.

i hope.

SO--- a reform is in order this year. i will be better---even if it kills me. that is my personal sacrifice. that is for the welfare of mine future---be it academic or artistic.

so, goodbye to lax dreams and chill-ness, i will miss you things so much. i must and shall embark on my personal journey to the straits of the unknown (and the previously-known, for that matter). i will miss everyone for sure.

tai tien, immaturity and half-baked me-ness, and hello to embellished reform.