Randoms.

initially back from south korea.

now back from singapore.

off to taipei on saturday.

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i sold my soul to succumbing delight.

is this real?

my virtual reality seemingly patches the artwork that is my world of calm, semi-perfection, and un-despair. if things show me the light, then why not? but a cloud of dread escapes into my momentay flutter.

fear.

afraid to take the plunge, perhaps? or just afraid to reveal thyself to chance? the inexperience creeps into the marrows of my bones, and into the charges of my neural activity.

but why hope?

bizaare as it may seem, my weary artery aches for that rush, that flight to the beloved astral plane that is euphoria. euphoria in feeling, yes. anything is possible, just like many would say. but why is this comntroversy throwing daggers aimlessly through my heart and soul?

i am a mosaic of unexplicable abyss.

Bittersweet Birthday

what a bittersweet weekend.

things have been inching towards crappiness ever since that unfortunate edsa event.

yes, folks, am now 20. it's actually so much fun, cz i get to obssess on my life more. at least now, the pressure of achieving will really drive me to work.

and work..

and work.

so, that's the story of my life.

thanks to those who remembered, love you guys. :) my week wasn't the greatest, but everyone who cared made it one of the best anyways. :)

Toast.

a humongous error is on its way and my sanity is crumbling to oblivion once again.

argh.

i need air.

Not-So-Quiet Time

i'm dying in the reins of organic chemistry.

ouch.

Pandemonium

oh, the things i do.

my cousins are back from England, and my life's events are getting hectic-er than normal (for the holidays, i mean). my days of bumming around the house and catching up on much needed entertainment and (more importantly) 'Zzzs' has been put on hold to make way for the greater good that is family.Ü

we're off to Lord knows where in a few, i am just left rearranging the weblives of dear ate before we depart for r&r.

enlightenment from the seniors was bestowed upon moi hours ago, and i was left to take all the blows and guilt explanations of them titas. and i realize that i am a constant hot topic whenever older relatives come back home. oh well. what's done cannot be undone.

blah, blah, blah.

i'm off.

Broke, Broken?

i came across a friend's friendster profile a few minutes ago, and i saw some pictures that made me think of the times when i had sooo much free time with them friends. funny, though, how everyone have seemingly lost touch with each other after so short a time. it has been what--a few months? i don't know anymore.

the spirit of christmas, however, has brought--good cheer?--and, i guess, renewed hope for most of us. renewed hope, as in, that some still allow themselves to resurrect their closet skeletons amidst the chaos they encounter everyday they once referred to as life. i received calls from another old friend saying we have GOT to meet sometime, and that he wishes us all merry christmas.Ü

make that some of us... i have just gotten word that this christmas isn't as cheer-y as i once thought would be for others... another old friend's grandfather just passed away, and it kills me that they'd have to spend this season actually mourning... i'm so sorry, dear, for your loss. have you told me sooner, i could've visited or whatever.

with that in mind, i don't think i'm all that cheer-y now.

anyways, merry christmas to the rest of the world. and a happy new year too.

Target

oh yes. as much effort i give to veer away from communal insanity and annoying target-shooting, they always seem to find me anyways.

freaky-crazy, but what can i do? i guess they love me that much. at least i'm not yesterday's news. problem is, i'm EVERYDAY'S news. why do people just love getting in on my life? goes to show who your real friends are. it doesn't matter to me now who treats me nicely or not, i'm back to paranoia101 again. INSECTS, listen: keep off the grass please.

and to those who don't want to be directed, get off my life. mind your own beeswax, get lost, vamoose. get the picture?

i don't mean to sound all bitchy, but recent events aren't excuses for sick, sad behavior. i'm keeping my sanity in check, you should do that too.

to everyone who's morphed into paparazzi, i'm watching you as well. let's play a little game of hide-and-seek, shall we?

if you can't take my guts, this'll make things easier for you: TRY NOT TO TAKE THEM.Ü

so much for two-faced superficials.

Dreamy... Ü

ahh... the life of a computer person.

because i can't think of anything else, i shall write about the facets of today.Ü

i had sooo much fun a while ago. i never thought that the time i'd perform with the untouchables would be today. yea, yea. so you thought we were some other group.

guess again.

the unexpected affair presented itself to moi, and recognition is of great concern. in the moment of goosebump-embedded bliss, the chance of electrocution shoved its way to my fingertips. ahoy there. thank you and you're... wow.Ü my efforts to remain sane has failed, i am again in my dreamy land. i love.Ü my abode shines brighter now. and now you all know i'm so much more than what you thought i was.Ü

oh, the joys of an imperfect life.Ü

i miss you guys, hope to see you soon. but i have other matters to take care of also, so... whatever happens.Ü (oh, and by the way, to my SSP: you rock.Ü)

Wicked

i find myself completely drawn to this masterpiece. and i thought everything i liked about this was superficial.

oh well.

"i'm not that girl" deems very unexplicable for my beauteous life. i sooo love the song, and everything else that goes with it.

i hope i find resolution to my highly-climactic life nowadays.

i'm off.

LIZNGAL!!! i miss you pare!!! ÜÜÜ

15-Minute Solitude

thanks to early dismissals and time to kill, i am again in front of a computer screen (and no thanks to irritating power failure, i lost my entry a few eons ago).

i am seriously doubting my future plans. i want to do so much, but previous events are naturally beauteous hindrances to the prime of the prime of my life. being the overactive (though at times subdued) individual i am, i am again, torn between worlds.

my topsy-turvy life is now on the edge, and i am breaking parts of myself little by little, literally and figuratively. i am now on the verge of breaking, but in every life's decision, it is but natural to feel this way.

and so i shut up.

tomorrow is another day, and tomorrow will be filled with untold stress. is relaxing a crime? well, i think it is for me... right now. but pretty soon, i shall be in wonderful abyss. :)

if anything, i'm happy with whatever's happening in my life right now. at least i'm more... "out".

and that makes a whole lot more sense to me. :)

adios friends. :)

Of Birds and Bees...

...and butterfly and trees?

kind of.

in a nutshell, my life has been turned upside down in a day... a little over two weeks ago. now, i suddenly lost all time for anything else, and matters of commitment are tested. i'm not complaining, after all, this freaky possibility has been one of my goals ever since college started for moi. besides, if i really work, this is SOOO going to be worthwhile.

anyways, i'm still in school, pouring over my "extra curriculars," and trying to deal with things as they go. the blasted computer at home is possessed, so all attempts to indulge in nocturnal madness is ceased. well, semi-good thing, cz at least i get to sleep, though still less than usual. and at least this "sem break" isn't as fattening as i have somewhat pictured it to be a few ages ago. :)

it would be such a waste of time to update the world with matters of the past month, so to save civilization's eyes from blood-pumped veins and extra-terrestrial transformation, refer to the third paragraph of this entry.Ü

crazed irregularities lurking in every corner are proof of my end's nearing. i shall terminate myself from this quizzical hour and rest in pieces.

au revoir! (i'm sorry, but my incapacity to predict the combinations of the alt-keyed symbols make me unable to provide you with more precise letters. :p)

Harvesting Mushrooms

it's been a while.

actually, it's been too long.

it's the end of september, and i think it's obvious that the babied mushrooms need harvesting. so on i go.

i can't even begin to tell the world of everything i have on my mind right now [at 5am, yes.]. SOOO much has happened, and i'm afraid my momentary weakness from suspension in space will haunt me back to my peaceful place. so, the updates will come as shocks as i traverse the ends of the earth.

two friends of mine are celebrating their birthdays today, so happy birthday julio and ate lyz.Ü [i'm temporarily trashing all issues, so to those who wish to react, be my guest.] happy days to you both.

i'm in one of my busiest states yet again, so naturally, relaxing alone-time for me will be highly detrimental to my altered nature. forgiveness for major delays, for i know that a meteor should hit me first before i pull an all-nighter doing this once more. i should have been sleeping ages ago, but since my dear friend has subscribed to a life-threatening post-planner similar to this for moi and others, i am banging at these missed keys again.

have i been missed? heehee...Ü i think my hugs are increasing... yay for that!Ü

a lot has commenced that i want to blab about, but time is not on my side. i shall disconnect my precious device from its source, and live a happier life... in dreamland.Ü

Bittersweet Semi-Symphony

self-induced irritation may be the most logical explanation for what i'm feeling now, but, not really. people say it's a matter of seeing the good in things. i say it's a matter of seeing things as they are supposed to be seen.

reasons. too many reasons.

1. my mom came home with a globe telecom paperbag in hand, asking me if i wanted the pink bear she got from-- i'm assuming--saisaki. [hello. hint, hint. a new cell phone. and it's not one of those cheap ones. grr. and she says i have this phone fetish. look who's talking.]

2. an extended lecture on how the world is uberdangerous nowadays [which, of course, started with the cellphone talk].

3. television invasion---i again lose to my parents. it's always theirs.

4. slow and painful torture. i can't breathe in this room. everyone's looking over my shoulder.

5. i passed the judgment day(s). for a sick person, that's an accomplishment.

6. oh, and that reminds me---yes, i'm still sick.

7. babytalk in the living room. [oh, spare me please!]

8. my weird fascination for momentary cynicism [well, for cynicism in general, momentary or otherwise.]

9. endless blabber i sooo don't want to hear. like forcing issues on me will make me listen. keep trying.

10. de-stressing my nonsoul, and de-cluttering my nerve-wracked mind.

***there you go. reasons. hence the title.

although the madness makes me want to shut my world out right now, i will still try my hardest to smile. i passed gc, all right. thanks to those who believed in my powerless state in the few days of judgment. ouchies.

sadly, my presently-incompetent state is unable to unleash sufficient wordplay to make the days of bored folk. you'll have to wait until next time.

Ouchies...

now that i think about it. i don't feel too well after all.

a book read and and halfway though another one doesn't make me feel better also. i've been resting every single moment i can get to, but to no avail. methinks my nonsoul wants to rest for real. but for how long, i still don't know.

Ten Straight Sick Days

this does not mean cursing the number. i just am still really sick.

on the lighter side of things, i'm happy today [well, despite all the crap i had to put up with and the extremely pitiful time i've had with the rest of civilization]. the three new books i had my parents purchase for sick, sad moi [harhar, the perks...Ü] kind of turned my day upside down. not only do i envision curling up in bed in the coming cold nights with a good book, a warm comforter and hot green tea and milk partnered with peanut butter and chocolate creme oreos [in pjs... ah... sweet.], but also the adventure my mind shall embark on the moment i turn a book's page.

another great idea==> oreos' alternate: cinnamon milk oatmeal. heaven.Ü and with more puppy-dog eyes and eyelash-batting [albeit REALLY in pain] directed to the rents, my wishes are their command.Ü thank you Lord for the gift of life!Ü

life is SOOO good.Ü

i absolutely love this idea, but sadly, there's a bad side to all the bliss i'm oh-so-waiting to get. two words: Judgment Day. it's so sad that i overlooked this thought when i constantly dreamt of unending comfort, and now that i'm considering the idea, my insides are churning and i can't breathe--literally.

i don't know if i'll ever get through tomorrow, because starting 6:30 am, my hellish day will start. i don't even know if i'll be well by then, but at the rate things are going, i don't really think so. the question still remains unanswered then: should i succumb to my pathetic dis-ease and not go through with tomorrow's lethal fury or just take in the wrath of my literally ruined future?

oh man.

before every ounce of my sanity disappears and i collapse into a heap of school things on the floor, end this ranting i will. now i have to summon up my inner yoda and try to make peace with the Force.

that is, if no dark lord wll stand in my way.

i PRAY that With Me the Force May Be.

Freaky Friday (Saturday, actually.)

call me crazy.

i'm being eaten alive by immeasurable nervy-ness and sky-high pressure. i don't know why exactly i'm reacting this way, but i guess this proves i'm still normal.

in a way.

everyone wishes me goodluck, but i am inching my way to death now because i know i don't stand a chance. the people i'm going to compete with are sooo good, no one can understand the dread i am nursing in the depths of my heart and soul. i just have one wish, prayer, cry, whatever: that i don't make a fool out of myself on my judgment day(s).

this is for me. i'm not doing this for anyone else.

"i am not lost, i have merely lost my way."

thanks, lian dear. you're the greatest.Ü i shall quote razi in my next ranting.Ü

i have the greatest life, and the greatest trials too. i hope i get through next week [most especially monday] so i can continue with my treasured existence.

Methinks you know mine deepest sorrow

Thine eyes shall see my grave to-morrow;

And as we walk in worlds apart

Mine weary soul, mine mind, mine heart

Salute Thine will, to life behold

T'is great a story never once told.

Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam.

Amazing Grace

i'm proud to say i can never fully fathom the greatness of life and chance. i guess we all should be lost in a way, and i'm glad i am practically braille-ling my way through this aspect.Ü

can i just say that i love my life???Ü everything seems to be getting clearer for me, and i can finally see a little more light now. it's been soooo long since i last enjoyed every bit of my day, and it's just how i remembered it... WOW.Ü

i'm exhausted and on the verge of fainting, but at least i had a fun day. many thanks to Him and His brilliance.Ü

i must say, luck is probably the last thing i'll need for that thing in a week and a few days. i'm still not sure of what i'll be doing, i'm just hoping i won't humiliate myself AGAIN. i at least want to get out of that place with a tiny smile. help me please.

i am an army of one. i hope i pull this off.

one time, big time. keep praying.

for myself and not for anyone else. one big fight. i believe.

Paradise Lost

it takes a lot to know what life is. and it pains me like hell when i know my dearest friends are sad. they don't have to tell me. i just know.

some people think that moving on is the worst thing that can ever happen in a person's life. they purposefully detach themselves from all they love just so they can say they give themselves importance and that they're cutting people slack.

i guess it's common that we pretend to be ecstatic when our hearts are screaming in bloodbath inside us. it's a technique we humans have learned to love because we want to project euphoric pretenses and numb the world of despair. i say it makes things harder for us. so, sometimes, it won't hurt if we all be a tad over-sincere.

distance has proved to maim hearts and generate heartache and solitude. it will be all up to us if we would go for the path which urges us to fight like crazy for underproduced sanity, or if we settle with undermined hopes and dreams and therefore make us bitter folks and unaccomplished retards. i hope my friend chooses to live and not be put down by her recent separation from her paradise. whatever happens, everyone will be here.

discombobulation seemingly establishes unbridled fury from the inhabitants that astound my existence. not bad. harharharÜ

before everything else crumbles to oblivion, i shall say so long to my unrestrained ramblings and go to class.

Equanimity Overload

"train comes, i don't know its destination... it's a one-way ticket to a MAJOR SITUATION."

i don't know why all of a sudden, things are starting to roll over on its good side. i'm not complaining, but i can't help asking my unsettlingly calm brain if this is a prelude to what's going to come.

i've studied too much foreshadowing to be pleasant about all this.

but i'll live first.Ü

complacent freaks surround my existence, and i laugh in their presence. funny, though, cz as soon as i bequeath this ordeal upon them, their sanctimonious smirks diminish and they crumble their behinds off to hell knows where. i soo love my life. it gives me a chance to give despicable people a taste of their own medicine.

birthday celebrations prove to be another haven of unforseen negative energy between adversaries. don't get me wrong, this usually happens in the most inconceivable of cases, but apparently, those cases suit last saturday evening. congratulations to cynical madness, resign to your fate.

last minute grocery-shopping is crucial to human life. and so, upon deciding to endure the continuous expulsion of dead skin cells by cruising the aisles of the earnest folly of grocery stores, clear your mind and relax. momentarily forsaken entities may be perceived lurking in the depths of stacked boxes and overstuffed shelves. think in advance, be a nonchalant princess to the world of shadows, and keep a funny story in your purse. that will surely let you ace the jackpot encounter.

i'm off. farewell to the land of dreams.

Bared, Unearthed, & Exposed

"nothing feels right anymore..."

conversations with depressed and longing friends makes it so much easier to relive moments of despair and extreme cases. and i'm not really sure i like it. options are thrown right in my face, and i am left giving them advice on all the stupid hullabaloo i previously got myself into.

i still can't understand why people can't get over themselves and just say how and what they really feel to another person. if pride is all we're considering here, then everything's useless. it just sucks that no one really super honest is left in this world. yes, we're all entitled to secrets, but too much is just too much. if the rest of humanity knows about your ordeal, then just let the person know already. you never know.

yes, certain friends may be alarmed with all i just said, but let them face it. it's going to be good for them anyways.

i can finally drive now. legally. yay! it's such a drag applying for that freakish TIN. and i'm not even working yet. oh well. this government is so annoying.

june 23rd. a few more weeks to go before joey's bash, and a little less than a month before sis'. coolness. at least the race with time is slightly postponed because of very helpful pre-preparations. i love what i do.Ü

i got a newsletter of this other org that wants to recruit me. i'm suddenly given rehearsal schedules, service schedules, and notifications on everything the group has to know. ohkaaay. call me dense, but... what exactly is going on?

hmmm...

i'm supposed to be resting for tomorrow. and some people are supposed to text me if they'll ditch me or not. haaaaaaaaay. i hope everything goes well.

i have another confession: i'm not really sure i'm cut out for the things i just got my sorry behind into. well, the judges will decide... but i am left paralyzed, and it stinks.

oh well.