like a duck

contrary to popular belief, it's been ubercrazy for me these past few weeks.

it's been a TOTAL rollercoaster ride since i decided to turn my life around. day by day, as i realize the completion of every single task i decide to accomplish, my insides churn and i step onto the stage to face the music.

but, times have proved that it is never just THAT. everything is fleeting, and so is what will happen shortly after one thing is done.

and so, in the brink of yet another life-altering transition, i find myself scurrying away from everything normal. my feet paddle frantically under the impossibly murky water i dove into. and i won't be stopping anytime soon.


i make it a point to hide my panic button moments beneath my smiles and deal with the present. problem is, though it may seem as if i'm good and all that shizzle, my mind goes into overdrive and i am left with advancing thoughts of life and things about it. so bad that when i try to fence it in, the more it seeps out of my entirety.


and now, above all things, i believe i have created my frustrations.

but still, life is good to me [nerves much?!]. though i get disheartening times, it gives me back random rays of light, telling me that it isn't so bad after all. now, what i just have to do is bank on those rays to make things feel right.

right. that's it. :)

so, i'll hibernate to be up for the long haul, and i'll see you on the flipside. like i said, "Patience. There is a plan. :)"

unsurmountable pressure

this past week has proven that no matter how much you've been putting up with, you'll still be given more to digest... on an hourly basis. to make it more eventful even more unforgiving, i've seemingly been stuck in varying situations where i had to make painful choices.

consultations here, vocal drills there, sanity everywhere.

but at the end of the day, i still find myself at peace, satisfied with what i've accomplished so far. it may not be much, but, hey, there's progress. and that's what counts. ;)

i had a minute-long depressive melancholic state last night, having arrived at an empty house after having left with the exact same scenario. my best friends turned out to be the iPad and the massage chair, comforting me for a good 30 minutes until it was time for me to move on.

good thing i had some things to attend to. that, along with things in my head, distracted me from the continuous buzz mounting pressure was bothering me with. so it was another task checked and another shudder regulated. so far, so good.

and then came the excruciating truth--i still had friends on the brink of falling out and realizing actual life. i shared a fairly balanced parody to my burned-out colleagues, and made notes on major restructuring that needs to be done. *sigh* it came as unbelievable as anything could be, but, as i say, i've lifted everything up already to Him. :)

for anything else, i pray so hard that things will take a turn for the better and that life will bully me less. then again, every development is a big step already for me.

changing seasons

it's very easy to make me trust people. acquaintances can turn into genuine friends in a matter of days, even hours. i share my world to everyone, whoever wants to be, in a way or another, part of it, in the hopes of getting back equal parts of the same authenticity i've shown.

i almost always give the benefit of the doubt, whenever possible, because i believe people are, in truth, actually good. i forget the meanness and shortcomings and understand as much as i can.

when you cross anyone i love, though, things will be different. i can doubt as easy as i have given all my trust. i can shut you out from the world i willingly let you become a part of. i can do a lot of other things. you may not care, fine, but you don't get to be the same friend you once were to me.

though it may be sad for me to possibly lose another being i once felt could be a part of my world until age wears me down, i would gladly take that step to ensure my actual friends get what they deserve. and nobody gets to decide what's good for them without taking their feelings into consideration.

at the end of the day, i hope you just make the people i love happy. turn that into your happiness so growth can be achieved together. as long as i see my friends truly happy, i know i'll be okay.

*sigh*

hodgepodge

just because i had to celebrate, it was a very special coincidence on that fateful November 3rd that noc was on sem break and that i was basically in the same area. after everything harassing that's been bludgeoning me with those days, it was a definite praise-the-Lord moment and i knew i still had friends i could count on when i needed them. i don't have to do all the fixing, after all. *sniff*

after another harassing 60-effing-peso-ice cream moment, noc arrived and we were on our way. being the indecisive spontaneous roadtrippers that we truly are, it took us a whole lot of gas burnt and too funny stories before we settled on Qualing's in some place i've never been [noc's the real ortigas girl, after all].

because it suddenly rained, we had no choice but to seek refuge in that quaint little restaurant until the skies cleared. no worries, though, because we had all the time to bond/chill/drink and whatnot before we further went on our way.

because it was so random, our stories were punctuated with thoughts on what we would do to ACTUALLY kill time. and because eating [again! ugh.] is not an option, movietime was the obvious decision. but after then came the painful question: galleria, mega, shang or podium? :o

because galleria was scrapped [we'd rather not relive paulinian-ness right now, thank you.] and shang was frowned upon ['twas one of noc's daily haunts. lol.], we went to podium to park and checked out the theaters... to no avail. sadly, the movies weren't worth watching, and i'd already watched the only thing worth watching that was showing in that mall--the social network. so we walked to mega to get inspired, in the hopes of actually being able to watch. but NO.

ooey gooey spicy goodness :D

and because mega's cinemas had fail written all over it as well, we dropped the search and booksale-d our hearts out. :D bonding over books not such a bad idea :) and, of course, we just had to enter EGG and see how much it's changed since high school. :D HAHA change it sure did. ;) we left and we didn't get too far along the mallside before noc salivated for Jamaican Patties. of course, i also had to get one for myself. heehee ;)

and as if my pinatubo pattie wasn't hot enough [because, REALLY, it was not spicy. AT ALL.], i took one squeeze bottle of hot sauce and piled the sauce high on every bite of my pattie. :) *and i just found out yesterday evening that the sauce is named SUNSHINE, and is actually found in virtually any grocery anywhere. cost? 41 effing pesos. :) so i shall be hoarding soon ;)*

...and i finished the bottle's very little contents. heehee *blush*

Last-minute chill at Central Pioneer

post-snack, we walked back to podium to get the car and almost headed home when we decided to check out the secluded chill place i had told her about--Central. i knew we wouldn't be able to leave without having tried anything from there, so we brought our purses--just in case. and we stayed for the rest of the night before i headed back home.

and just because i had to celebrate, i was glad i found my happy time that day. no episodal bouts or whatever, just good, clean fun with a good friend from marian camp-in days and heart attack card games. i sooo miss my high school barx. :(

i wouldn't forget as well that we had faith in mind all day, because we were celebrating her birthday as well on behalf of the barx. it's been years, hun, i hope we see you again soon. i await the day when the barx will be complete again. :)

thanks for the celebration-slash-chill, noc! :)

301206, Barx Tagaytay Roadtrip

Barx Birthday Surprise for moi! :D [Feb 2007]

*proud* :)

NGAYONG PASKO, MAGNININGNING ANG PILIPINO: THE 2010 ABS-CBN CHRISTMAS STATION ID

The Kapamilya Christmas station ID for 2010 features the UST Singers! :D

I miss you all, I'm sooo proud of everyone! *snaps!!!*

celebrations! :)

allow me to greet myself: Happy 5th Anniversary! :D

my first day was actually october 5th, but my official 1st day of membership is november 3rd. 2005. :) so, because i was still up at an ungodly hour, i did this:

      

yes, it was almost all one angle. don't care. :D sooo... Happy Birthday to Faith as well! :) we miss you suuuuper, love! come home soon so we can party already. lol.

funny.

well, i was supposed to muse on lia's homecoming, but then, i found this pretty thing:

yes, it might be dilapidated and crazy, but it's my 2005-- journal. :) of course, i had to skim through it first. and my college life flashed before my very eyes. lol. now, let's see some notable dates:

• 09 september 2005, friday: i stated "ust singers free concert :(" and then i added with a different pen: "choral recess..."

apparently, this day was also the general assembly day for the science glee club [i had JUST gotten in then], and kuya fonzy brought me to their reception table to secure a form and register for auditions. i remember brushing with a pokerface ate bing and retorting that this alleged group did not even accept me for training the last time. and then i laughed. 

•  20 september 2005, tuesday: i stated "kuya vernie's text [on auds]"

hello, chills. so the schedule was on thursday, and my newly-sealed membership with the other group hung in the balance. :o

• 22 september 2005, thursday: i stated: "gc reh: sick- ape'. auds: AS :) [saw ate rina :)]. lalake! :|. sick day... :|"

i clearly remember this day. gc conductor was out sick, so the core group head naturally took over. i had just finished lab class then [at 7pm], and i was due in 2 places: at the 3rd floor reh room and at the conservatory building. about 3 minutes after i had put down my school stuff, i took my black envelope and a few other paraphernalia and had myself excused. library, i mentioned. i had to quickly drop by and get something done.

of course, that was a diversion. i went there, yes, but i didn't go in. and that was AFTER i did what i scheduled first-- drop by the music building and get my gut torn out of my system.

earlier that afternoon, i texted my brother and asked for a 'good luck,' of course, without telling him exactly what i was going to do. and then, his only reply was, "o, goodluck. :)" wow. i didn't understand why that made me even more freaked out. ANYHOO.

first things first, i had to notify kuya vernie that i was on my way. just so i won't stand outside like some lame lunatic waiting for the world to heed my call. and then, i was heard.

while walking, i was still double-thinking what i would do, so i kept on skimming my folder for the more serious pieces i could give a rendition of. both mind and heart racing, though, i willed my head to get a grip as i was nearing the room of doom. knowing i already failed once, i went, 'what the hell' and went on my way. i would rather sing something elementary and do it less painfully than majorly eff up with a more credible song. as soon as i got there, though, my heart failed me again until it was time to go in.

there they were, in a semicircle, staring silently and seemingly mocking my every being.

AH, THIS IS THE LIFE. :-\

though the conductor had a friendly tone [or at least i think he did at that time], i felt he was stern and wouldn't take crap from anybody. of course, given that i had done this twice before already [both 1st and 2nd screening], another 'what the hell' did the trick.

and so i sang.

of course, given that i was not feeling well and COMPLETELY nervous at that time, i didn't expect myself to favor well. but i wanted to, because i couldn't afford to get my ass kicked AGAIN in front of these people who i felt wanted to eat me alive. and so i did my 2 songs, vibrato-clad [don't be fooled, it was because my insides were literally SHAKING. lol.], and with a little more than slight discomfort, compliments of mr.colds.

[1] now that i have you. suuuuper transposed to a lower key, so my voice wouldn't give and i can do a fairly okay rendition from down below. lol. [2] i will. in this song, though transposed to a lower key as well, i found myself stumbling with the lyrics and the entire choir just burst into song. lol. extremely funny moment, it was like lindsay lohan and the plastics in jingle bell rock. HARHARHAR. and there you have it. one part down.

i don't exactly remember what came first, this or the interview, but both definitely happened. the same basics were asked, and one even remembered me from the previous year's audition [ate chich]. :) and so i was interviewed. and i guess it went well, because i know i'm not scared of interviews. it's the singing part i'm actually more anxious about. HAHA.

vocalization was crazy|beautiful, just because i was called a "man," and this meant at least something. sir had already felt he knew how high up i could go, so he went for my lower registers. he kept on saying "isa nalang" [one more] as we went further down to the lower notes, and at some point in the lowness of it all, one of the members retorted, "LALAKE!," and the choir laughed. and so, just after the vocalization and the rhythm exercises and semi-interviews here and there, sir said 'thank you' and they clapped.

i nervously smiled and quietly walked towards the exit. in the brink of all feelings, i opened the door and cried profusely upon seeing ate rina standing outside, waiting for me. it was a simultaneous cry-bearhug that i gave ate rins when i saw her, and i guess it seemed weird to her, but she still hugged back and said it was gonna be okay. just when i thought i'd just forget everything, then came the awkward moment: ron came out and said that i'll just be notified thru text if i pass. all tears aside, and crazy humiliating cz i was like a baby hugging ate rina, i said, 'uh, sure, thanks.' and then the rest was history.

well, ate rina stayed cz she recognized who the person auditioning was, and couldn't believe it. she was in UST for a rehearsal, and just happened to pass by the room and saw moi. lol. and so after a quick chat and getting a grip, she wished me luck as i hugged her goodbye and went on my way.

when i got back to the gc reh room, i was greeted by a knowing nod and stare from the core group head [because she was my friend and she knew i was given the signup sheet--she was with me then, after all.] and i was so guilty i tripled my energy for the rest of the reh. and then the day was done.

not having heard from Singers, i knew it was just one more experience down. so i eventually came clean to my friends from gc ang randomly got interrogated on the matter. i said it was nothing, cz i haven't heard from them anyway, so it was all good. then came tuesday.

• 04 october 2005, tuesday: i wrote: "good news! AS munstra! :)" -> robie, thanks! :) ; csgc pin... :(

i had been fondly called munstra by my gc friends because of the monstrous ability to keep it together singing though i was sick [which happened a lot of times, especially during the judgment day, when everyone basically vies for a spot in the choir. not to brag, but i had aced orals whilst sick. heehee.]. and so there was this little munstra friendship formed, and i was one of them.

i was previously introduced to a member of the UST Singers who had been a member of the science glee club. robie, as they call him, was a biology upperclassman who got delayed for a year because of the choir's european sojourn. and so i randomly smile at him and greet him whenever we'd bump into each other. this time, though, it was different.

when we saw each other by the elevator, i politely smiled and said 'hi' and he stopped me in my tracks. it basically went like this:

robie: [singsong] 'uy pinapapunta ka na ni sir sa reh.'

jai: [jokingly] 'sus, niloloko mo lang ako'

robie: 'sige, kung ayaw mo, eh di wag!' [laughs]

jai: 'hindi nga! [pauses] talaga?' [smiles]

robie: 'oo nga basta pumunta ka na dun!'

jai: 'ah... okay. thanks! :)'

and then i started jumping in the org room and speed-dialed my brother. i didn't care that everyone was looking at me [i was literally jumping in the entire duration of the call, HAHA] and i just squaled and jumped and talked. :) kuya instantly knew what was going on, and, puzzled, i asked how. he said it was the only thing i had been crazy about recently, so the ambush call was a giveaway. :)

it didn't help as well that it was during this day when karen gave me the gleeclub pin. it did not help at all. but decisions had to be made and it was, at the end of the day, my call. 

the next day was gc no reh day, so there goes my free pass. i immediately went to the music building for reh after my class [with slight delay, i didn't want to seem too eager. lol.], but ended up being early still. and then i had a taste of the first nomination night. :) i was beside ate ei in front and got the alto2 part assigned, so i just went with the flow. and i went home with a clear plastic envelope with a million scores. lol.

and, for nomination night, robie was beside me singing my parts in aquesta me guiaba. :)

and the rest of the days were history. :)

Charlie the Unicorn 2

this is keena's fault. so, now, i feel like i'm charlie because i'm such a grouch. LOL.


" It's the Choo Choo Shoe, Charlie, the Choo Choo Shoe! :)


enjoy :)

*travel wishlist*

ohkaaaaaay. 

this is extremely random, as i was initially researching for this piece i'm making for a writing job i'm applying for. but heyyy, the second my eyes fell on the word BOROBUDUR, man, i was a goner.

now, the point of my day was to gather as much travel destinations as i could in one sitting. i got myself routed to websites for UNESCO world heritage sites, varying tourist attractions, and some scandinavian-north american-north african-fijian-micronesian-french polynesian places i've been dying to visit since time immemorial *drool* and whatnot.

so, yes, in the blink of an eye, my mind went loca on all these places and culture and experiences and craziness. and i frikkin love it! :) too bad, though, my mom called me to her room for help with coloring her hair already. so, daydream paused... NOT.

so when i started laboring over my mom's hair, i gabbed on about finding this and that, blahblahblah. and mom was more than eager to join in. so our mutual love for mythology and egypt and pyramids and travel resurfaced, and we planned as we colored her hair. hahaha. 

"so pretty please, mister LOTTO person, will you make my mommy and daddy win the jackpot so our family can travel the world again? pleeeeeeease?" *batts eyelashes*

and because i plan to date myself today and rush to the poetry reading at the Instituto Cervantes, here are some places i had in mind for my travel wishlist:

Borobudur, Java, Indonesia

Prasat Angkor Wat, Angkor, Cambodia

Stonehenge, Wiltshire, United Kingdom

Mondriki, Fiji [Melanesia]

Bounty Island, Fiji [Melanesia]

Navala Village, Nausori Highlands, Fiji [Melanesia]

Chichen Itza Ruins, Mexico

1000 Warrior Columns, Chichen Itza, Mexico

Teotihuacan Pyramids of the Sun, Mexico

the Acropolis from Philopappos Hill, Athens, Greece

Parthenon, Athens, Greece

Erechtheum, Athens, Greece

St. Petersburg, Russia

Shaman Rock, Olkhon Island, Russia

Mangareva, Gambier Islands, French Polynesia

Tuamotus Lagoon, French Polynesia

Bora Bora, French Polynesia

Matira Beach, Bora Bora, French Polynesia

Kheops Pyramid, Egypt

Giza Pyramids, Cairo, Egypt

Taj Mahal, Agra, India

apparently, it's easier to use these photos in their original size [or just a little less]. otherwise, it would take AGES for them to actually show up on screen. :)

and yes, i have a fascination for beaches and stone-built amazements. basta. :D one of these years, i shall go to these places. i swear, i will!!! :)

hiding

While roaming around mega yesterday, destressing, kuya started reciting a funny poem. Because even the intonation he used was pathetic, i was laughing like CRAZY. And then, I realized, the poor little kid he was imitating was me as a preschooler.

No wonder the poem was familiar. LOL.

So the memories came rushing back, when my entire family would recite this so I could practice for my declamation piece; how my parents used to teach me killer moves and gestures to prove my point [those moves were killer back then]; how I would forget the mirror part, so it naturally came out louder when I remembered it already cz I literally screamed it out; how we would practice in front of the ginormous mirror in my parents' dressing area [and how short I was back then. harhar], and then-- a blank. Damn, my memory's selective.

And so I had to find it. TA-DAHHH!!! :D

I'm hiding, I'm hiding
And no one knows where;
For all they can see are my
Toes and my hair

And I just heard my father
Say to my mother -
"But, darling, (s)he must be
Somewhere or other;

Have you looked in the inkwell?"
And Mother said, "Where?"
"In the INKWELL?" said Father. But
I was not there.

Then "Wait!" cried my mother —
"I think that I see
(Her)Him under the carpet."
But It was not me.

"Inside the mirror's
A pretty good place."
Said Father and looked, but saw
Only his face.

"We've hunted," sighed Mother,
"As hard as we could
And I am so afraid that we've
Lost (her)him for good."

Then I laughed out loud
And I wiggled my toes
And Father said —"Look, dear,
I wonder if those

Toes could be Benny's?
There are ten of them, see?"
And they WERE so surprised to find
Out it was me!

HIDING, From the book entitled "A Child's Anthology of Poetry," Dorothy Keeley Aldis

moving forward

something old, something new, something borrowed... something... colorful? :D

clearly, i have not been paying attention to the signs--of life, that is. everything has been aching to show me how much more forward i should be moving, but hey, i'm effing turtle-paced. so, to cut to the chase, i just say my entirety needs an overhaul.

for starters, i had an amazingly hectic day yesterday. after a string of sleepless nights, i finally drag myself to a job fair to get my behind started with something i really should be doing already.

that 5-hour slumber prior to bastardizing my sanity did me good okay, and i donned my inner Miranda Priestley while i slipped my heels on. of course, while in that mindset i expected a day with slightly open streets and a few people here and there. randomness epitomized.

i experienced exactly the opposite, to say the least. pandemonium was more like it. mosh pit much. everywhere was a frikkin sardine can! UGH.

so, because i am naturally charming (;p), i called kuya and got myself a ticket to exhibitor haven. life is gooood :)

so i became the filinvest recruitment person on the side, while i trudged my way to those booths filled with people. DOUBLE UGH. but because i had to do it, i did the dirty work. i passed by and smiled at everyone, got myself enlisted, disposed of my papers and the rest, as they say, is sheer craziness. then i was supposed to get the NBI thing over and done with, too, there, but this lovely sign greeted me:

GAAAAAAAAAA.

post-pandemonium was definitely a sweeter experience, because i got to try orchard road's hainanese chicken rice for an uberlate lunch fiesta de kuya :) of course, after trying one bite from my plate and finishing his teh tarik, he dropped dead and made music on the ample-sized booth we sat in.

i didn't care. i was enjoying the wifi. :D

and my quickly craving was set aside because we went towards the direction of dairy queen. aha! strawberry cheesecake blizzard. i'm not complaining. *biiig smile*

as soon as i tasted the mouthwatering goodness, i started taking photos. LOL. takes me back to the times of strawberry-hunting with joy, jemmy, and bryan. laughtrip much. this time, though, i got all the strawberries... and the cheesecake. :D

so i needed more documentation.

who can blame me? i was happy and sugar-shocked. :)

and right before we drove home, i had to be the in-car contortionist to get that itouch from the trunk. and kuya documented that, too. weeeeee. and then, of course, i dropped dead a few minutes after we got home. tired much. :))

Despedida Del Dia

Estoy muy emocionado tanto y triste. Mañana, mi corazón va a ser mi escenario. Esta es la culminación de todo lo que NOSOTROS hemos trabajado, y agradezco a Dios que he sido muy afortunada de haber compartido experimentando el resto del mundo con todos vosotros. Yo siempre te amaré y te echo de menos todos. Tú lo sabes. <3

UST Singers, Choir of the World 2010
Llangollen, Wales, United Kingdom
June 2010

Actual Life at Its Finest

Before finally deciding I would relocate my thought bubbles to Livejournal, I promised myself this journal would be filled with so much more than the pangs my heart shall be receiving.

I promised wrong.

Needless to say, the flawless life aspect I envisioned myself living for livejournal banished itself to oblivion when 1:44 am of 13th September hit. For the lack of a better outlet, my poor, disheveled sanity caved into creating a piece of weakness especially for you.

But, it's effing 3am now. Sooo... I have to force myself to sleep.

Dear John

Dear John,

It's been a lazy looong day. I woke up late this afternoon morning, and have only eaten puffed Cheetos and a chocolate-and-peanut butter sandwich since. I'm speechless, I'm tired, I want something new to happen. But since my lazy ass is home, I've been thinking. A LOT.

It's been crazy on Twitter the entire day. Hate, disbelief, love, discontent, hope and bashing are a few of the emotions people seemingly pour onto their tweets. Hate, being that of the Hong Kong Government to the Philippines. Disbelief at our Miss Universe contender's response to her final question. Love for Ma. Venus Raj, Miss Universe 2010 4th Runner-Up, coupled with contented messages of her feat--bringing recognition to our country is no easy task--flooded Tweetworld [at least mine]. Hope, that someday, yesterday's Quirino Grandstand bloodbath will just be a faint memory to and of Filipinos to the rest of the world. Bashing, of everyone who's anyone and anyone who's alive.

Makes me think, really. Do we really have all the answers? Most people who tweet think so. And then most of them suddenly change their minds when they are contradicted. Again, that is just SO Filipino. Not entirely, in defense of the rest of the Filipinos who stand up for what they know, but a lot of Filipinos are so. Might as well not tweet at all and wait for the idea you want to show up on AND THEN start tweeting. It's not like you're not allowed to say what's on your minds, but at least stick to your beliefs. That's all i'm saying.

Annoying, annoying.

Sheesh. Seemingly everything's been topsy-turvy lately. Not that i'm succumbing to bum-ness and regressing to what I swore I would not let myself go into, but there's just some great sadness disappointment to all of this. It's not incompetence, I know. It's just the TIMES.

So, John, okay. I'll stop whining now and be fine with everything. Speaking of which, i'm kinda craving for a Nonfat Grande White Chocolate Mocha and Banoffee Pie. And it really didn't help that as I was rummaging through my old files, I found this:

So, thank you , John, for making me realize I put myself on house arrest today. :)

Love, Jai

i'm genuinely happy. i think.ü 050210

Something interesting I was not able to post sooner.

-= <3 =-

05 February 2010, 9:45 am

Let's just say the message at 4:59pm says it all: The same system lives on. As much as I would like to think that this is all a phase, I'm merely trading places with those who I had daftly judged a few lifetimes ago.

One thing's for sure: You cannot break me. Not when I've decided to do what I have to do.

Music's not so new, And I am an entirely different story.

Why does my heart hurt when I hear him sing? Maybe it's because of the actual concealed pain I'm experiencing now. Yes, it breaks my heart to detach, but that's apparently what (I believe) will cease all judgment on their end. Exterminating all chances of association will possibly lessen the acquired hate towards me. Hopefully.

-= <3 =-

Civility Appreciated. [Erm, if there is such a word.]

I honestly appreciate civil-ness with one person. I at least feel that the thought of plasticity is not entirely true to her. At least, that's what I think. It's plastic, but not entirely so.

It's sheer touture to detach! I swear, I'm falling into a blackhole, seemingly devoid of all hope. YIIIIIH. I know this would be a reoccurrence of hell reincarnated, but, again, life's a bitch and then we die.

I hate that I'm itching to vent to someone non-melodic--

I have to stop my reverie in its tracks because of an instance that brought respect for someone back to my world; Not that I've lost all respect, but I was losing hope, that the slightest bit of respect would be even more painful for my heart to bear. See? I'm not at all devoid of love and respect for what I do, though my heart refuses to love this the same way I previously did.

And it hurts. I admit, it does. Gravely.

Let me go back to my previous thought train. Again, the security blanket has been embroidered with someone's name, just because it hurts as well that of all people, one of those I should detach from have all the answers. I, of course, have them as well, but the fact that someone else will have to say it to your face trumps all reason sometimes.

Exactly. The workings of the mind make me swallow my words most of the time.

Ouch.

-= <3 =-

The banter makes me revert back to my noted friendships. As much as I would like to promote indifference, I seemingly still engage in measures defending my friends from the tastelessness happening in my midst. Yes, I'm happy that's still the case, but it hurts that I purposefully unfasten myself and can't even waste the time I want to waste with them--in all situations not limited to the outside life.

I shall vent later. Or at least just share.Ü

Therapeutic much? I'm beginning to feel okay about this. I'm beginning to love it.Ü I mean, it's completely obvious I'm lying to myself, but at least I'm acknowledging the possibility.

So, nobody messes with me now. Not now that I know can conjure up the feeling of being capable of dissociation.

-= <3 =-

There's someone anonymous I would like to thank for the current mindset change. Not that it will help, but at least it's something that made me rethink things and deviate from the nagging feeling of detachment and sheer lack of emotion.

So, THANK YOU. You have no idea how that thought made valuable changes happen. Thanks for being there, and for accepting the flaw that is me. Good times. :)

looking back. again.

"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them."

-Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

-= <3 =-

it always takes the last few days to get me to really believe something's gonna happen before it actually does. is it the preoccupation or the willful forgetfulness i allow myself to undergo to lessen those shocks of pain i expect to encounter?

sadly, i bend towards the latter more. i have known myself to selectively attend to what needs to be done, depending on its urgency... and though i love the results of the choices i make, i subject myself to unnecessary daydreams of progressing sorrow.

alas, the truth has hit me in the face again. this time, twice as hard.

like i said, i'm generally accepting when it comes to these things. not only because i'm so used to it, but because i now know what to do. but having someone mirror what exactly runs in the portals of my mind just makes me plunge into an even deeper form of induced shock that has to be vented out in whatever way, shape or form.

don't get me wrong, i completely love the understanding that underlie the revelation. however, i will still need a moment to breathe.

i'm fortunate enough to get the time to take it all in, but life doesn't bend that way all the time. to think that i live in spontaneity and whatnot, now it's all about planning and making it work.

here we go again with growing up. i've heard the stories, the lectures, the everything. i've also accepted the fact that responsibility hits you hard when you least expect it to. but again, i guess you'll never know everything about it, though it's exactly what you do everyday.

so i am now left to endure the perils of previously selected factoids. big deal. i'm just saying that however grand these pains may be, of course i have no reason to despise whatever happens next. so, with a heavy heart, i accept everything and allow myself to grow up some more.

what i pray for, though, is for actual chance to grow up as well. *sigh*

Maybe I'm Amazed

Looking back. Checking out the things I used to love <3

-= <3 =-

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you pulled me out of time
and hung me on a line
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you

Maybe I'm a girl and maybe I'm a lonely girl
who's in the middle of something
that she doesn't really understand

Maybe I'm a girl and maybe you're the only man
who could ever help me
Baby, won't you help me understand

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you're with me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I leave you
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you help me sing my song
Right me when I'm wrong
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you

closure much?

Closing Cycles by Paulo Coelho

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters - whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back. Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place. Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.” Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person - nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life.

Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.

Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

blast from the past

Saturday, November 14, 2009 at 9:11pm

WHOA.

I have been resisting the strangest urge to rearrange the files I've accumulated online since time immemorial. However, due to time constraints, i willfully extinguish the desire to do so just because I am, in large part, exhausted in varying levels--physically, mentally, and emotionally--and that's not gonna stop anytime soon.

As I was browsing through old accounts, profiles, and blogs, I stumbled upon one entry that evoked bittersweet endings, with a personal aww-factor injected here and there.

It's just crazy how I came up with this rambling in the middle of the afternoon, in a not-so-comforting venue, and with a mind-blowing dose of indifference everywhere I looked. I may have shunned the world from my me-moment and dived into the drowning seas of my heart at this time, but it's still disturbing to know this just came out naturally.

this entry channels memories of turbulent tenure. although momentous, that first step into the working class still sends pangs to my heart when i look back. i may have collected experiences catered to my fancy, but the immensely devastating tidal wave of sorts really welcomed me into the world of the working.

and it wasn't pretty. at all.

what is a "lost cause"? that, apparently, used to be me. and it wasn't pretty. in every sense of the word.

ewwwwww. the cheese, the cheese. melodramatic and fabulous.

-= <3 =-

BEGIN with the END in mind. Always.

It has been a long-standing statement that we should “live life to the fullest.” No one, in my opinion, has ever achieved someone else’s standards of fulfilment. For as much as we try to be the “fulfilled being” they think we should be, we can’t. We can only reach the extent of fulfilment we have set for ourselves.

When I think about actually attaining fulfilment, I remember all my hopes and dreams, and the million things more I want to get to feel that I’ve made it. But it would be too idealistic to believe that every whim I have is attainable.

Now that I know better, I see my fulfilment and success in the intangible aspects I can live up to and imbibe in everything I do. I want to be remembered by my family as the daughter who cared, the one who was there when things didn't go right. I want to be seen as the one who made life bearable for everyone (even to my friends), and the sister who thought of others more than she did herself. I want to be seen as the one who made mistakes but was not scared to own up to it, as the imperfect daughter and sister who brought sadness and disappointment to the house, but tried her hardest to make things right. I want my family to believe I tried to be perfect, but couldn't, that's why they loved me anyway and saw me as perfect… in a very imperfect way.

I want my friends to remember me as the one who had fun, but made sense; a good person who never failed to lend a helping hand or a shoulder to lean on. I want to be seen as someone who was there, and who gave herself to the people she cared about the most. I want them to remember that I looked out for them, and shared their hell with them. I want to be the imperfect friend they fought with, the one who was brave enough to stress the times when she made mistakes herself. Above all, I want everyone to remember me, not as the successful singer, dancer, or actress I want to be, not as the doctor or psychologist I will try to be, but the “imperfect success” who found fulfilment in surpassing life’s challenges with a smile on her face.

<3 Jai

lost for words

I would conventionally pounce on the idea that I will be lashing out on randomness and vexation, but earlier tonight, everything seemed a little different. As much as I would've loved to contemplate on negativism and doltish ideals, I acknowledged the fact that life must go on and I must become more of a human being [meaning, I should let go of all the "inarte" and deal with everything].

And then the magic happened.

Because I am a total genius, I courageously ordered a triple shot of espresso with my not-so-customized, mocha-based, cream-infested drink. I mean, they initially forgot to add the caramelly demon to my aching cup, but then, because I banked on OC-ness and verification, I finally got what I wanted.

I think.

The amazing thing is that, the moment people around me go episodal, I revert back to my fighting stance and try to save the day. Problem is, these past few times my coffee has been triple-dosed with the "elixir of life," [it revives you like crazy, DUH.] I commence the episodal tidalwave and then eat my words when my confederates fall prey to my mood.

Wuuuu-saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh.

In celebration of the year of the Tiger [can you say "birth year"??? HELLO.], I will cease unleashing sarcasm and try to be all angelic and stuff.

And then I suddenly change my mind.

So, to cut the story short, OR, to go back to my original train of thought, I turn into a sap and provide counsel on life's complexities to the bewildered.

Of course, I am not a total rock when it comes to matters of cardiac processes. So, of course, a tear that shouldn't be lying on the cheeks [or sleeve, for that matter] of someone I care about makes me CALMLY reach for that effing panic buttton.

So, as I gab and blabber on the workings of the mind, I hope and I pray that a miracle dawns upon our lowly minds, and we realize that nothing we have is perfect.

It breaks my heart to see people break, and it melts my insides when smiles melt from the faces of the people I deem important.

But that's not the point. The point is that that freak of a situation pulls them down, dragging you as well into an inescapable blob of confusion and pain. And then you realize that you are just as confused as they are, and you start rethinking everything you've been saying. But you don't.

What you do is kill the drama, clear your head, and believe that some semblance of a reality is still stuck there, unraveling truth to the idea that there is a bright side to your life's disappointments. So, you hang on to a hope that everything will fall into place, while secretly wishing that you didn't make a mistake in anything you just said.

Because you admit that you don't know squat about what they just heard you say, and complain that your insides have been affected by deep-seated caffeine.

But it seems as if everyone still believes you. Which is utterly crazy.

But, at the back of your mind, when everyone has gone, you mindlessly ramble on about everything that went through your head in those precious hours and get frustrated with the fact that everything cannot be put into words.

And then you look out the window, and see the sun coming out. And you realize you just spent the entire night awake.

And then finally, you plead to the heavens that no one has discovered your secret. Which is far from happening, after what you just did.