sangre realmente

cuando sueño no le ayuda, sabe que es más que malestar. que no siente bien en un nivel diferente, con condiciones fisiologicas mas intensificada por la angustia. 


y cuando única solución que no existe, a estar la excepción es no lo suficientemente bueno.

oh well :)

the past weekend gave me a whooooole lot to digest. yes, it's the celebration of the summer i missed and will probably be missing a lot more as the years go by. it's also a wake up call, time is asking me to just shut up and let it go. ;)

i shall not dwell on sadness or anything else that will make me counterproductive. instead, i shall think of the bright side and bask in the emptiness of--well--feeling empty relieved for a minute.

it honestly took a bit of a while to swallow the truth i just saw [that's what i get for going ninja on that person]. hahaha. :) lesson learned--i shall not investigate anymore. especially when it involves matters of the heart. ;) 

and it kind of doesn't help if your mom thinks you go out and have dates when really, you study your behind off. i swear, it's not even funny.

i will get my happiness, soon. just you wait. ;)

closing time

last day things. will be back when all is done. i'll miss you, teammates and batch12! :)

There's a sad sort of clanging from the clock in the hall

And the bells in the steeple, too

And up in the nursery an absurd little bird

Is popping out to say coo-coo

(Coo-coo, coo-coo)

Regretfully they tell us, but firmly they compel us

to say goodbye to you

So long, farewell Auf Wiedersehen, goodnight

I hate to go and leave this pretty sight

So long, farewell Auf Wiedersehen, adieu

Adieu, adieu to you and you and you

So long, farewell Au revoir, Auf Weidersehen

I'd like to stay and taste my first champagne

So long, farewell Auf Weidersehen, goodbye

I leave and heave a sigh and say goodbye

Goodbye

I'm glad to go I cannot tell a lie

I flit, I float I fleetly flee, I fly

The sun has gone to bed and so must I

So long, farewell Auf Weidersehen, goodbye

Goodbye

Goodbye

Goodbye

Goodbye

invictus

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

- William Ernest Henley (1849–1903)

dream come true ♥

i was not at all hopeless. i knew, in my heart, that it would happen. no matter how long it took, no matter what the stakes. i believed, since i was young. i still do. :)


when you wish upon a star, your dreams come true. ♥

i started being what i envisioned myself to be on april 7th. :) although it's officially only been 11 days, my heart has been captured by my dream since day one. i would marvel at the hectares of land i saw on mornings when i was brought to school last, and walked your halls when both my brothers graduated. i screamed my lungs out in every game, jumped for joy and squirmed whenever we would be up against our biggest rivals. you literally got my heart pounding, even if it's just on tv. family days, sportsfests and those milo best summer camps were no exception. prep, grade school, high school, college. yes, you may have broken my heart once, but my blood has always been blue. :) and you gave me something better now. :)

monday will be the commencement of one of the best and worst years of my life. and i am prepared to start my life anew.

I BELIEVE.

always have, always will. :)

whirlwind summer

in a nutshell, i just love how the Maker moves in perfect timing. :) the arduous struggle of a two-month wait finally materialized, and it's just GREAT. :) thank you to everyone who believed and prayed on my behalf, i will forever love and be grateful for you all. :)

it's just soooo overwhelming that people are happy for this turnaround. i love how i'm being supported by the people i love. again, i can never be thankful enough.

it's such a rush! intent letter, reg, confirmation, follow-up here, update there. then i go and have myself politely transferred and wait for the development while i deal with other things. i'm so GV it makes my heart go aflutter :)

i guess i've never been so excited to do summer school. like what kuya said, if you know, you KNOW. that no-breathmark decision is one helluva ride.

"oh yes, it's true... I WAS MADE FOR YOU." ;)

déjà vu

it's making me a little uneasy that things are seemingly going back to the way they were. it's not that i want things to end, but i'm seriously scared that things will turn out to be as ugly as it once was a few breaths ago.

yes. i'm scared.

i mean, i'm all for reunions and the happiness it brings. but i don't think i want that happening anytime soon just yet. i want YOU to think about it. because i want you to know exactly what you're getting into once you decide to do this again.

then again, like i said, you will still end up deciding for yourself. and you know i'll still be the supportive friend who has your back. but promise me this, whatever happens, please take extra care. your monumental episodes were not pretty, and i don't want you in any way, shape, or form anywhere near that again. EVER.

i'm just praying hard that things will get better, soon.

one leaf down

it took FOUR SECONDS for me to randomly act on my--erm--hormones and send a matter-of-fact message to someone after all my faith in that person had gone out the window. therefore, i think, that made my initial resolution for the year ring true: that i should let go of all the hurt in my heart and learn to forgive.

*sigh*

i believe these *sigh* moments are triggered by my ongoing crazy hormones, and i am still left bewildered. when will this stop??? i'm having the ride of my month in a not-so-comfortable debilitating series of events, and i am aching for change to commence. may i be normal now, please? *batts lashes*

and then i see a particularly familiar name stuck onto the glass divider that mediates me and ray [or a part of it, at least].

and then i smile. heehee. ;)

so, yes. right now, i need saving. from all the actual annoying physiological pain i'm experiencing.

back to the grind

it's been so long since i last attempted to do anything here. work happened, yes. and so did life. :)

 apart from work happening, life kept on hitting me in the arse. this, of course, made everything even more impossible and sanity-threatening. LOL. but it's fine. like i said, suddenly, i see a light at the end of the tunnel. my two-deadline week turned out to be a single-deadline week, giving me a little space to breathe.

as i was traversing the streets of my alma mater before heading home the day before yesterday, i ran into ate luch and was effing giddy-happy from all the excitement of finally seeing each other after one fateful chill night. i loved that the insight on moving forward had been inculcated into her system, but talking about technicalities still seem to wear me out. for some strange, demented reason, it still pained me to see them on the road less taken.

well, whaddya know? i still have a heart. and a big heart at that.

i knew that a step forward would be for the best, but i wanted the steps forward to be thought about and carefully planned. so, i guess, what freaked me out the most was that the feelings harbored while stepping up were not of total happiness. why? because i have found it in my heart to forgive. it wasn't easy, of course, but i tried and have let the pain go. i just don't want them to go through the pain anymore.

*sigh*

on a lighter note, in spite of my girl pains, i HAVE found a light at the end of a tunnel. to make matters worse, aaaaah i won't allow it to get worse. LOL.

que me hizo sonreír, después de todo. :) heehee :)

like a duck

contrary to popular belief, it's been ubercrazy for me these past few weeks.

it's been a TOTAL rollercoaster ride since i decided to turn my life around. day by day, as i realize the completion of every single task i decide to accomplish, my insides churn and i step onto the stage to face the music.

but, times have proved that it is never just THAT. everything is fleeting, and so is what will happen shortly after one thing is done.

and so, in the brink of yet another life-altering transition, i find myself scurrying away from everything normal. my feet paddle frantically under the impossibly murky water i dove into. and i won't be stopping anytime soon.


i make it a point to hide my panic button moments beneath my smiles and deal with the present. problem is, though it may seem as if i'm good and all that shizzle, my mind goes into overdrive and i am left with advancing thoughts of life and things about it. so bad that when i try to fence it in, the more it seeps out of my entirety.


and now, above all things, i believe i have created my frustrations.

but still, life is good to me [nerves much?!]. though i get disheartening times, it gives me back random rays of light, telling me that it isn't so bad after all. now, what i just have to do is bank on those rays to make things feel right.

right. that's it. :)

so, i'll hibernate to be up for the long haul, and i'll see you on the flipside. like i said, "Patience. There is a plan. :)"

unsurmountable pressure

this past week has proven that no matter how much you've been putting up with, you'll still be given more to digest... on an hourly basis. to make it more eventful even more unforgiving, i've seemingly been stuck in varying situations where i had to make painful choices.

consultations here, vocal drills there, sanity everywhere.

but at the end of the day, i still find myself at peace, satisfied with what i've accomplished so far. it may not be much, but, hey, there's progress. and that's what counts. ;)

i had a minute-long depressive melancholic state last night, having arrived at an empty house after having left with the exact same scenario. my best friends turned out to be the iPad and the massage chair, comforting me for a good 30 minutes until it was time for me to move on.

good thing i had some things to attend to. that, along with things in my head, distracted me from the continuous buzz mounting pressure was bothering me with. so it was another task checked and another shudder regulated. so far, so good.

and then came the excruciating truth--i still had friends on the brink of falling out and realizing actual life. i shared a fairly balanced parody to my burned-out colleagues, and made notes on major restructuring that needs to be done. *sigh* it came as unbelievable as anything could be, but, as i say, i've lifted everything up already to Him. :)

for anything else, i pray so hard that things will take a turn for the better and that life will bully me less. then again, every development is a big step already for me.

changing seasons

it's very easy to make me trust people. acquaintances can turn into genuine friends in a matter of days, even hours. i share my world to everyone, whoever wants to be, in a way or another, part of it, in the hopes of getting back equal parts of the same authenticity i've shown.

i almost always give the benefit of the doubt, whenever possible, because i believe people are, in truth, actually good. i forget the meanness and shortcomings and understand as much as i can.

when you cross anyone i love, though, things will be different. i can doubt as easy as i have given all my trust. i can shut you out from the world i willingly let you become a part of. i can do a lot of other things. you may not care, fine, but you don't get to be the same friend you once were to me.

though it may be sad for me to possibly lose another being i once felt could be a part of my world until age wears me down, i would gladly take that step to ensure my actual friends get what they deserve. and nobody gets to decide what's good for them without taking their feelings into consideration.

at the end of the day, i hope you just make the people i love happy. turn that into your happiness so growth can be achieved together. as long as i see my friends truly happy, i know i'll be okay.

*sigh*

hodgepodge

just because i had to celebrate, it was a very special coincidence on that fateful November 3rd that noc was on sem break and that i was basically in the same area. after everything harassing that's been bludgeoning me with those days, it was a definite praise-the-Lord moment and i knew i still had friends i could count on when i needed them. i don't have to do all the fixing, after all. *sniff*

after another harassing 60-effing-peso-ice cream moment, noc arrived and we were on our way. being the indecisive spontaneous roadtrippers that we truly are, it took us a whole lot of gas burnt and too funny stories before we settled on Qualing's in some place i've never been [noc's the real ortigas girl, after all].

because it suddenly rained, we had no choice but to seek refuge in that quaint little restaurant until the skies cleared. no worries, though, because we had all the time to bond/chill/drink and whatnot before we further went on our way.

because it was so random, our stories were punctuated with thoughts on what we would do to ACTUALLY kill time. and because eating [again! ugh.] is not an option, movietime was the obvious decision. but after then came the painful question: galleria, mega, shang or podium? :o

because galleria was scrapped [we'd rather not relive paulinian-ness right now, thank you.] and shang was frowned upon ['twas one of noc's daily haunts. lol.], we went to podium to park and checked out the theaters... to no avail. sadly, the movies weren't worth watching, and i'd already watched the only thing worth watching that was showing in that mall--the social network. so we walked to mega to get inspired, in the hopes of actually being able to watch. but NO.

ooey gooey spicy goodness :D

and because mega's cinemas had fail written all over it as well, we dropped the search and booksale-d our hearts out. :D bonding over books not such a bad idea :) and, of course, we just had to enter EGG and see how much it's changed since high school. :D HAHA change it sure did. ;) we left and we didn't get too far along the mallside before noc salivated for Jamaican Patties. of course, i also had to get one for myself. heehee ;)

and as if my pinatubo pattie wasn't hot enough [because, REALLY, it was not spicy. AT ALL.], i took one squeeze bottle of hot sauce and piled the sauce high on every bite of my pattie. :) *and i just found out yesterday evening that the sauce is named SUNSHINE, and is actually found in virtually any grocery anywhere. cost? 41 effing pesos. :) so i shall be hoarding soon ;)*

...and i finished the bottle's very little contents. heehee *blush*

Last-minute chill at Central Pioneer

post-snack, we walked back to podium to get the car and almost headed home when we decided to check out the secluded chill place i had told her about--Central. i knew we wouldn't be able to leave without having tried anything from there, so we brought our purses--just in case. and we stayed for the rest of the night before i headed back home.

and just because i had to celebrate, i was glad i found my happy time that day. no episodal bouts or whatever, just good, clean fun with a good friend from marian camp-in days and heart attack card games. i sooo miss my high school barx. :(

i wouldn't forget as well that we had faith in mind all day, because we were celebrating her birthday as well on behalf of the barx. it's been years, hun, i hope we see you again soon. i await the day when the barx will be complete again. :)

thanks for the celebration-slash-chill, noc! :)

301206, Barx Tagaytay Roadtrip

Barx Birthday Surprise for moi! :D [Feb 2007]

funny.

well, i was supposed to muse on lia's homecoming, but then, i found this pretty thing:

yes, it might be dilapidated and crazy, but it's my 2005-- journal. :) of course, i had to skim through it first. and my college life flashed before my very eyes. lol. now, let's see some notable dates:

• 09 september 2005, friday: i stated "ust singers free concert :(" and then i added with a different pen: "choral recess..."

apparently, this day was also the general assembly day for the science glee club [i had JUST gotten in then], and kuya fonzy brought me to their reception table to secure a form and register for auditions. i remember brushing with a pokerface ate bing and retorting that this alleged group did not even accept me for training the last time. and then i laughed. 

•  20 september 2005, tuesday: i stated "kuya vernie's text [on auds]"

hello, chills. so the schedule was on thursday, and my newly-sealed membership with the other group hung in the balance. :o

• 22 september 2005, thursday: i stated: "gc reh: sick- ape'. auds: AS :) [saw ate rina :)]. lalake! :|. sick day... :|"

i clearly remember this day. gc conductor was out sick, so the core group head naturally took over. i had just finished lab class then [at 7pm], and i was due in 2 places: at the 3rd floor reh room and at the conservatory building. about 3 minutes after i had put down my school stuff, i took my black envelope and a few other paraphernalia and had myself excused. library, i mentioned. i had to quickly drop by and get something done.

of course, that was a diversion. i went there, yes, but i didn't go in. and that was AFTER i did what i scheduled first-- drop by the music building and get my gut torn out of my system.

earlier that afternoon, i texted my brother and asked for a 'good luck,' of course, without telling him exactly what i was going to do. and then, his only reply was, "o, goodluck. :)" wow. i didn't understand why that made me even more freaked out. ANYHOO.

first things first, i had to notify kuya vernie that i was on my way. just so i won't stand outside like some lame lunatic waiting for the world to heed my call. and then, i was heard.

while walking, i was still double-thinking what i would do, so i kept on skimming my folder for the more serious pieces i could give a rendition of. both mind and heart racing, though, i willed my head to get a grip as i was nearing the room of doom. knowing i already failed once, i went, 'what the hell' and went on my way. i would rather sing something elementary and do it less painfully than majorly eff up with a more credible song. as soon as i got there, though, my heart failed me again until it was time to go in.

there they were, in a semicircle, staring silently and seemingly mocking my every being.

AH, THIS IS THE LIFE. :-\

though the conductor had a friendly tone [or at least i think he did at that time], i felt he was stern and wouldn't take crap from anybody. of course, given that i had done this twice before already [both 1st and 2nd screening], another 'what the hell' did the trick.

and so i sang.

of course, given that i was not feeling well and COMPLETELY nervous at that time, i didn't expect myself to favor well. but i wanted to, because i couldn't afford to get my ass kicked AGAIN in front of these people who i felt wanted to eat me alive. and so i did my 2 songs, vibrato-clad [don't be fooled, it was because my insides were literally SHAKING. lol.], and with a little more than slight discomfort, compliments of mr.colds.

[1] now that i have you. suuuuper transposed to a lower key, so my voice wouldn't give and i can do a fairly okay rendition from down below. lol. [2] i will. in this song, though transposed to a lower key as well, i found myself stumbling with the lyrics and the entire choir just burst into song. lol. extremely funny moment, it was like lindsay lohan and the plastics in jingle bell rock. HARHARHAR. and there you have it. one part down.

i don't exactly remember what came first, this or the interview, but both definitely happened. the same basics were asked, and one even remembered me from the previous year's audition [ate chich]. :) and so i was interviewed. and i guess it went well, because i know i'm not scared of interviews. it's the singing part i'm actually more anxious about. HAHA.

vocalization was crazy|beautiful, just because i was called a "man," and this meant at least something. sir had already felt he knew how high up i could go, so he went for my lower registers. he kept on saying "isa nalang" [one more] as we went further down to the lower notes, and at some point in the lowness of it all, one of the members retorted, "LALAKE!," and the choir laughed. and so, just after the vocalization and the rhythm exercises and semi-interviews here and there, sir said 'thank you' and they clapped.

i nervously smiled and quietly walked towards the exit. in the brink of all feelings, i opened the door and cried profusely upon seeing ate rina standing outside, waiting for me. it was a simultaneous cry-bearhug that i gave ate rins when i saw her, and i guess it seemed weird to her, but she still hugged back and said it was gonna be okay. just when i thought i'd just forget everything, then came the awkward moment: ron came out and said that i'll just be notified thru text if i pass. all tears aside, and crazy humiliating cz i was like a baby hugging ate rina, i said, 'uh, sure, thanks.' and then the rest was history.

well, ate rina stayed cz she recognized who the person auditioning was, and couldn't believe it. she was in UST for a rehearsal, and just happened to pass by the room and saw moi. lol. and so after a quick chat and getting a grip, she wished me luck as i hugged her goodbye and went on my way.

when i got back to the gc reh room, i was greeted by a knowing nod and stare from the core group head [because she was my friend and she knew i was given the signup sheet--she was with me then, after all.] and i was so guilty i tripled my energy for the rest of the reh. and then the day was done.

not having heard from Singers, i knew it was just one more experience down. so i eventually came clean to my friends from gc ang randomly got interrogated on the matter. i said it was nothing, cz i haven't heard from them anyway, so it was all good. then came tuesday.

• 04 october 2005, tuesday: i wrote: "good news! AS munstra! :)" -> robie, thanks! :) ; csgc pin... :(

i had been fondly called munstra by my gc friends because of the monstrous ability to keep it together singing though i was sick [which happened a lot of times, especially during the judgment day, when everyone basically vies for a spot in the choir. not to brag, but i had aced orals whilst sick. heehee.]. and so there was this little munstra friendship formed, and i was one of them.

i was previously introduced to a member of the UST Singers who had been a member of the science glee club. robie, as they call him, was a biology upperclassman who got delayed for a year because of the choir's european sojourn. and so i randomly smile at him and greet him whenever we'd bump into each other. this time, though, it was different.

when we saw each other by the elevator, i politely smiled and said 'hi' and he stopped me in my tracks. it basically went like this:

robie: [singsong] 'uy pinapapunta ka na ni sir sa reh.'

jai: [jokingly] 'sus, niloloko mo lang ako'

robie: 'sige, kung ayaw mo, eh di wag!' [laughs]

jai: 'hindi nga! [pauses] talaga?' [smiles]

robie: 'oo nga basta pumunta ka na dun!'

jai: 'ah... okay. thanks! :)'

and then i started jumping in the org room and speed-dialed my brother. i didn't care that everyone was looking at me [i was literally jumping in the entire duration of the call, HAHA] and i just squaled and jumped and talked. :) kuya instantly knew what was going on, and, puzzled, i asked how. he said it was the only thing i had been crazy about recently, so the ambush call was a giveaway. :)

it didn't help as well that it was during this day when karen gave me the gleeclub pin. it did not help at all. but decisions had to be made and it was, at the end of the day, my call. 

the next day was gc no reh day, so there goes my free pass. i immediately went to the music building for reh after my class [with slight delay, i didn't want to seem too eager. lol.], but ended up being early still. and then i had a taste of the first nomination night. :) i was beside ate ei in front and got the alto2 part assigned, so i just went with the flow. and i went home with a clear plastic envelope with a million scores. lol.

and, for nomination night, robie was beside me singing my parts in aquesta me guiaba. :)

and the rest of the days were history. :)

Despedida Del Dia

Estoy muy emocionado tanto y triste. Mañana, mi corazón va a ser mi escenario. Esta es la culminación de todo lo que NOSOTROS hemos trabajado, y agradezco a Dios que he sido muy afortunada de haber compartido experimentando el resto del mundo con todos vosotros. Yo siempre te amaré y te echo de menos todos. Tú lo sabes. <3

UST Singers, Choir of the World 2010
Llangollen, Wales, United Kingdom
June 2010

Actual Life at Its Finest

Before finally deciding I would relocate my thought bubbles to Livejournal, I promised myself this journal would be filled with so much more than the pangs my heart shall be receiving.

I promised wrong.

Needless to say, the flawless life aspect I envisioned myself living for livejournal banished itself to oblivion when 1:44 am of 13th September hit. For the lack of a better outlet, my poor, disheveled sanity caved into creating a piece of weakness especially for you.

But, it's effing 3am now. Sooo... I have to force myself to sleep.

i'm genuinely happy. i think.ü 050210

Something interesting I was not able to post sooner.

-= <3 =-

05 February 2010, 9:45 am

Let's just say the message at 4:59pm says it all: The same system lives on. As much as I would like to think that this is all a phase, I'm merely trading places with those who I had daftly judged a few lifetimes ago.

One thing's for sure: You cannot break me. Not when I've decided to do what I have to do.

Music's not so new, And I am an entirely different story.

Why does my heart hurt when I hear him sing? Maybe it's because of the actual concealed pain I'm experiencing now. Yes, it breaks my heart to detach, but that's apparently what (I believe) will cease all judgment on their end. Exterminating all chances of association will possibly lessen the acquired hate towards me. Hopefully.

-= <3 =-

Civility Appreciated. [Erm, if there is such a word.]

I honestly appreciate civil-ness with one person. I at least feel that the thought of plasticity is not entirely true to her. At least, that's what I think. It's plastic, but not entirely so.

It's sheer touture to detach! I swear, I'm falling into a blackhole, seemingly devoid of all hope. YIIIIIH. I know this would be a reoccurrence of hell reincarnated, but, again, life's a bitch and then we die.

I hate that I'm itching to vent to someone non-melodic--

I have to stop my reverie in its tracks because of an instance that brought respect for someone back to my world; Not that I've lost all respect, but I was losing hope, that the slightest bit of respect would be even more painful for my heart to bear. See? I'm not at all devoid of love and respect for what I do, though my heart refuses to love this the same way I previously did.

And it hurts. I admit, it does. Gravely.

Let me go back to my previous thought train. Again, the security blanket has been embroidered with someone's name, just because it hurts as well that of all people, one of those I should detach from have all the answers. I, of course, have them as well, but the fact that someone else will have to say it to your face trumps all reason sometimes.

Exactly. The workings of the mind make me swallow my words most of the time.

Ouch.

-= <3 =-

The banter makes me revert back to my noted friendships. As much as I would like to promote indifference, I seemingly still engage in measures defending my friends from the tastelessness happening in my midst. Yes, I'm happy that's still the case, but it hurts that I purposefully unfasten myself and can't even waste the time I want to waste with them--in all situations not limited to the outside life.

I shall vent later. Or at least just share.Ü

Therapeutic much? I'm beginning to feel okay about this. I'm beginning to love it.Ü I mean, it's completely obvious I'm lying to myself, but at least I'm acknowledging the possibility.

So, nobody messes with me now. Not now that I know can conjure up the feeling of being capable of dissociation.

-= <3 =-

There's someone anonymous I would like to thank for the current mindset change. Not that it will help, but at least it's something that made me rethink things and deviate from the nagging feeling of detachment and sheer lack of emotion.

So, THANK YOU. You have no idea how that thought made valuable changes happen. Thanks for being there, and for accepting the flaw that is me. Good times. :)

For the Lack of A Better Outlet: A TRIPLE THREAT

--- 22 september 2009, approximately 11:00 pm ---

because of the elating moments that transpired just a few hours ago, i cannot help thinking back on the olden days when life was less complicated.

you went to school, played with your friends, and went back home. homework before spending countless hours in front of the tv, going to bed at 8 [although sometimes negotiable], but sneaking out in the middle of the night to watch reruns of your favorite show on the ichannel. hating to get out of bed at 5 or 6 am to get ready for yet another day of school. the same teachers, classmates, and everything, day in, day out. waiting for dear old dad to come pick you up. lazily walk around the house before doing anything productive.

awww. that WAS the life.

then again, i get smidgens of that right now-- the same thing day in, day out, with an injection of spontaneity once in a while. living in my own time, and not missing a step. when you think about it, you would say i've retained a little more old school ways than i actually need. but still, things HAVE changed. and no matter how much i rationalize, they will continue changing and will never make me stop wondering.

yes, i will prove that i am a sap because i quote Filipino movies. but i don't care. it fits into the moment like it was made for it:

"i want to stop wondering 'what IF'. i want to know 'what IS.'"

or something to that effect.

but still, i don't know what's keeping me from actually taking the step to bringing my dreams to reality. like i said, confusion's a bitch. elation makes one knowledgeable of the best things that could happen. although momentary, they show you a world that is achievable and liveable [if there is such a word] only in the depths of your desires. then again, desires do not stay alive forever. they fade, lose their spark, and seemingly extinguish their flames through the winds of time. and no matter how much you try to rekindle that flame, time has done its part in making you realize that the dream is now just a dream, that the reality you once knew is a reality no more.

--- 24 september 2009 9:34 pm---

in a matter of days, my views on life and the present have seemingly vaporized.

no worries, though, i'm fine and still encased in indecision.

however, elation feels so much better when experienced firsthand, having manipulated a random chain of events... but guess what? THAT JUST HAPPENED. :)

SOOO, all i can say is a "kaboom" to those untrue and hurrah to the victorious smirk i now have glued on on my face. love me, hate me, or whatever tickles your fancy, GO AHEAD.

because the only question i will ask you is:

HAS IT EVER OCCURRED TO YOU THAT I DON'T CARE? :D [with lash-batting action]

so now, i rest my case. :)

--- 25 september 2009 05:26 am ---

again, in a matter of hours, more facets of life have unfolded before my eyes.

let me channel my present state to this note and unleash the drama oblivious to the illiterate.

it's amazingly funny on millions of levels that hormonal bouts are seemingly passed on to my male friends. i mean, my female allies have just surpassed them this week, but my mojo-loving friends have increasingly been acquiring "traits" women are most commonly known to have: HORMONES. it just knocks my socks off that my triad [a.k.a. connivance team] has inherited the traits i am well-known for, and they are crazily enjoying the ride. well, of course, i am constantly being blamed for discovering the "HormoBot," [in the desperate attempt to make a statement to the annoyance that is a selection of people around me at night] but of course, things are acknowledged and appreciated just the same.

you gotta love education, and i'm sure my connivance team, et al. loves it even more. haha

cheers to more eventful moments then, let this world be a world to find friends in [hi friends!]. ;p

yet another sleepless night

***because technology's a bitch, i will have to retype my entire rambling and begin editing my initial spontaneous flow. if only sleep beckoned, i will turn my laptop off with extremely annoyed muttering and a heavy heart.***

tonight [rather, last night] has been a flurry of emotions.

this time, i am not sleepless because of love, theses, work, or any other brain-numbing thing that i will have to get over and done with.

i am simply baffled about life.

as my extended thoughts on life and the undiscovered flash before my eyes, i commence my written reverie by saying years of my existence have been devoted to what i want. but now, i can't help asking myself if what i want is actually enough.

it pains me to think that i will soon have to say goodbye to my comfort zone and venture out into the unknown. but that's the way the cookie crumbles, life will have to move on. as a matter of fact, it HAS been moving on, leaving me and my comfort zone behind. so now i am left thinking of what else there is in store for me.

sure, i will have to get hurt and feel the pangs of losing a part of myself, but it's all part of the road to maturity. so, now, in the light of gearing towards [further] maturity, i KNOW in my heart of hearts that i will have to decide.

for once i come forth with the key to my future, there's no turning back. and yes, i know i will endure. if only the process wasn't so grueling. then again, as what i've been beating my head with, it doesn't matter, because you're trekking towards your goals. so don't mind the minor setbacks. if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger.

and always believe that at the end of the day, you don't kill yourself for the hurt you've allowed yourself to feel, you kill yourself for the decisions you've made.

right now, though, my brain is indifferent to the screams of my heart. it's as if my heart is in a dark tunnel, struggling to get out... but my brain is still thinking of the beautiful rainbow that decorates my sky. i badly want to get out of this tunnel, to break free of the darkness and indecision... i want to get to that rainbow myself.

as with any road towards goal attainment, i KNOW that i WILL stumble, fall, and accumulate bruises and scratches. but i don't care. for the battle scars of life will mold me into who i can and will be in the end. i will not channel idealism and say i will end up being the greatest, but i will believe that i will be great in my own right. i may be seen by others as half-baked or even extremely raw, but i don't care. whatever i may be going through will not stop me from getting to my destination.

so, now, i ask this question with deep-seated longing: when will my brain inherit my heart's courage?

this is the timeless question that sends pangs to my heart. for however strongly my heart feels about change, if my brain does not help my heart alleviate indecision, the further stretching of my sanity will have to do.

yes, the first step will always be the hardest... and i can't help asking myself when that tiny step will happen.

sun's out, and i am still enveloped in the darkness of my room. sure, tomorrow is a new day, but i will never be silenced by my screaming heart unless that small step is made.

so, now, i will have to engage in more mind-numbing activities and displace the real thoughts that have lined my heart and mind forever...

and let my heart continue to draw the blueprint of my future. :'c

taking it to the streets

there is ABSOLUTELY no significance nor reason behind that title. i just think it sounds good for the multitude of sorts i'm feeling right now. :)

and the randomness shall now commence. :)

** * **

20 october 2009 0729am

it's been a hell of a ride today [well, "yesterday"]. firstly, a BIG CONGRATULATIONS to Abeleds for finally making it to the alumni bunch. :) woohoo, welcome to the club! :)

now, for your training... ;p

next, i am again in the brink of polluting my brain with millions of memories that i do not want to encase myself in at the moment. the mere thought of everything to think about drives me nuts, and the random-slash-irate customer service style might get unleashed once again. i'd rather NOT have that now, of course, since i realized that purposefully modulating my voice makes me save it more. and we all know [well, NOT REALLY, but if you know how i speak, you'll get the idea of my exaggeration] i can get high-pitched when i get argumentative.

harharhar.

but with the a/c right behind me--erm--i don't think so.

** * **

so, on to the bashing.

it's just so irritating that for some strange, demented reason, a frightening blue-collar rampancy is on the loose. well, for patience's sake, i purse my lips and randomly interact with the heaven-colored plate in front of me, claiming contempt. and the funniest unseen interactions bordered my sanity as white-collared minds basked in sheer delight.

let the mindgames begin :)

** * **

it is a complete waste to while away the hours of my existence in a trance, and that's what i have seemingly been doing for the past eons of my life. oh no. so much for productivity. but soon, i hope, my fate will take a different course. :)

and truly, facebook makes me engage in neurobics in my almost hopeless pursuit for further activity. it's such a pity that my refuge lies in an intangible world, crying out to the reality that is.

soon, though, fate shall take a wider trend, and i will be freed from my thought bubbles. i have yet to prepare for what's next, and brace myself for the wrath that is to come.

for everything else, i shall wait with a megawatt smile albeit the scare of unknown carnage. haha. so much for sitting on top of the world. ;p