oh well :)

the past weekend gave me a whooooole lot to digest. yes, it's the celebration of the summer i missed and will probably be missing a lot more as the years go by. it's also a wake up call, time is asking me to just shut up and let it go. ;)

i shall not dwell on sadness or anything else that will make me counterproductive. instead, i shall think of the bright side and bask in the emptiness of--well--feeling empty relieved for a minute.

it honestly took a bit of a while to swallow the truth i just saw [that's what i get for going ninja on that person]. hahaha. :) lesson learned--i shall not investigate anymore. especially when it involves matters of the heart. ;) 

and it kind of doesn't help if your mom thinks you go out and have dates when really, you study your behind off. i swear, it's not even funny.

i will get my happiness, soon. just you wait. ;)

analogies

when i am deviant, i do not defy; i express.

when i am blunt, i do not offend; i educate.

when i am self-absorbed, i do not neglect; i reflect.

when i am mean, i do not try to impress; i test.

when i create, i do not ruin; i experiment.

when i style, i do not mock; i innovate.

when i say ill things, i do not demean; i describe.

when i have that tone, i do not condescend; i clarify.

when i bitch out, i do not lose tact; i am honest.

when i choose to be alone, i do not ignore; i detach.

when i help, i do not quantify; i provide.

when i advise, i do not aim to change; i enlighten.

when i trust, i do not doubt; I BELIEVE.

when i feel, i am not selfish; i am true.
when i make choices, i do not overlook; i prioritize.

when i love, i do not measure; i give my heart.

when i cry, i am not weakened; i am hurt.

when i have been hurt, i do not forget.

i may forgive with my entirety--

but i will always remember.

déjà vu

it's making me a little uneasy that things are seemingly going back to the way they were. it's not that i want things to end, but i'm seriously scared that things will turn out to be as ugly as it once was a few breaths ago.

yes. i'm scared.

i mean, i'm all for reunions and the happiness it brings. but i don't think i want that happening anytime soon just yet. i want YOU to think about it. because i want you to know exactly what you're getting into once you decide to do this again.

then again, like i said, you will still end up deciding for yourself. and you know i'll still be the supportive friend who has your back. but promise me this, whatever happens, please take extra care. your monumental episodes were not pretty, and i don't want you in any way, shape, or form anywhere near that again. EVER.

i'm just praying hard that things will get better, soon.

like a duck

contrary to popular belief, it's been ubercrazy for me these past few weeks.

it's been a TOTAL rollercoaster ride since i decided to turn my life around. day by day, as i realize the completion of every single task i decide to accomplish, my insides churn and i step onto the stage to face the music.

but, times have proved that it is never just THAT. everything is fleeting, and so is what will happen shortly after one thing is done.

and so, in the brink of yet another life-altering transition, i find myself scurrying away from everything normal. my feet paddle frantically under the impossibly murky water i dove into. and i won't be stopping anytime soon.


i make it a point to hide my panic button moments beneath my smiles and deal with the present. problem is, though it may seem as if i'm good and all that shizzle, my mind goes into overdrive and i am left with advancing thoughts of life and things about it. so bad that when i try to fence it in, the more it seeps out of my entirety.


and now, above all things, i believe i have created my frustrations.

but still, life is good to me [nerves much?!]. though i get disheartening times, it gives me back random rays of light, telling me that it isn't so bad after all. now, what i just have to do is bank on those rays to make things feel right.

right. that's it. :)

so, i'll hibernate to be up for the long haul, and i'll see you on the flipside. like i said, "Patience. There is a plan. :)"

unsurmountable pressure

this past week has proven that no matter how much you've been putting up with, you'll still be given more to digest... on an hourly basis. to make it more eventful even more unforgiving, i've seemingly been stuck in varying situations where i had to make painful choices.

consultations here, vocal drills there, sanity everywhere.

but at the end of the day, i still find myself at peace, satisfied with what i've accomplished so far. it may not be much, but, hey, there's progress. and that's what counts. ;)

i had a minute-long depressive melancholic state last night, having arrived at an empty house after having left with the exact same scenario. my best friends turned out to be the iPad and the massage chair, comforting me for a good 30 minutes until it was time for me to move on.

good thing i had some things to attend to. that, along with things in my head, distracted me from the continuous buzz mounting pressure was bothering me with. so it was another task checked and another shudder regulated. so far, so good.

and then came the excruciating truth--i still had friends on the brink of falling out and realizing actual life. i shared a fairly balanced parody to my burned-out colleagues, and made notes on major restructuring that needs to be done. *sigh* it came as unbelievable as anything could be, but, as i say, i've lifted everything up already to Him. :)

for anything else, i pray so hard that things will take a turn for the better and that life will bully me less. then again, every development is a big step already for me.

changing seasons

it's very easy to make me trust people. acquaintances can turn into genuine friends in a matter of days, even hours. i share my world to everyone, whoever wants to be, in a way or another, part of it, in the hopes of getting back equal parts of the same authenticity i've shown.

i almost always give the benefit of the doubt, whenever possible, because i believe people are, in truth, actually good. i forget the meanness and shortcomings and understand as much as i can.

when you cross anyone i love, though, things will be different. i can doubt as easy as i have given all my trust. i can shut you out from the world i willingly let you become a part of. i can do a lot of other things. you may not care, fine, but you don't get to be the same friend you once were to me.

though it may be sad for me to possibly lose another being i once felt could be a part of my world until age wears me down, i would gladly take that step to ensure my actual friends get what they deserve. and nobody gets to decide what's good for them without taking their feelings into consideration.

at the end of the day, i hope you just make the people i love happy. turn that into your happiness so growth can be achieved together. as long as i see my friends truly happy, i know i'll be okay.

*sigh*

i'm genuinely happy. i think.ü 050210

Something interesting I was not able to post sooner.

-= <3 =-

05 February 2010, 9:45 am

Let's just say the message at 4:59pm says it all: The same system lives on. As much as I would like to think that this is all a phase, I'm merely trading places with those who I had daftly judged a few lifetimes ago.

One thing's for sure: You cannot break me. Not when I've decided to do what I have to do.

Music's not so new, And I am an entirely different story.

Why does my heart hurt when I hear him sing? Maybe it's because of the actual concealed pain I'm experiencing now. Yes, it breaks my heart to detach, but that's apparently what (I believe) will cease all judgment on their end. Exterminating all chances of association will possibly lessen the acquired hate towards me. Hopefully.

-= <3 =-

Civility Appreciated. [Erm, if there is such a word.]

I honestly appreciate civil-ness with one person. I at least feel that the thought of plasticity is not entirely true to her. At least, that's what I think. It's plastic, but not entirely so.

It's sheer touture to detach! I swear, I'm falling into a blackhole, seemingly devoid of all hope. YIIIIIH. I know this would be a reoccurrence of hell reincarnated, but, again, life's a bitch and then we die.

I hate that I'm itching to vent to someone non-melodic--

I have to stop my reverie in its tracks because of an instance that brought respect for someone back to my world; Not that I've lost all respect, but I was losing hope, that the slightest bit of respect would be even more painful for my heart to bear. See? I'm not at all devoid of love and respect for what I do, though my heart refuses to love this the same way I previously did.

And it hurts. I admit, it does. Gravely.

Let me go back to my previous thought train. Again, the security blanket has been embroidered with someone's name, just because it hurts as well that of all people, one of those I should detach from have all the answers. I, of course, have them as well, but the fact that someone else will have to say it to your face trumps all reason sometimes.

Exactly. The workings of the mind make me swallow my words most of the time.

Ouch.

-= <3 =-

The banter makes me revert back to my noted friendships. As much as I would like to promote indifference, I seemingly still engage in measures defending my friends from the tastelessness happening in my midst. Yes, I'm happy that's still the case, but it hurts that I purposefully unfasten myself and can't even waste the time I want to waste with them--in all situations not limited to the outside life.

I shall vent later. Or at least just share.Ü

Therapeutic much? I'm beginning to feel okay about this. I'm beginning to love it.Ü I mean, it's completely obvious I'm lying to myself, but at least I'm acknowledging the possibility.

So, nobody messes with me now. Not now that I know can conjure up the feeling of being capable of dissociation.

-= <3 =-

There's someone anonymous I would like to thank for the current mindset change. Not that it will help, but at least it's something that made me rethink things and deviate from the nagging feeling of detachment and sheer lack of emotion.

So, THANK YOU. You have no idea how that thought made valuable changes happen. Thanks for being there, and for accepting the flaw that is me. Good times. :)

looking back. again.

"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them."

-Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

-= <3 =-

it always takes the last few days to get me to really believe something's gonna happen before it actually does. is it the preoccupation or the willful forgetfulness i allow myself to undergo to lessen those shocks of pain i expect to encounter?

sadly, i bend towards the latter more. i have known myself to selectively attend to what needs to be done, depending on its urgency... and though i love the results of the choices i make, i subject myself to unnecessary daydreams of progressing sorrow.

alas, the truth has hit me in the face again. this time, twice as hard.

like i said, i'm generally accepting when it comes to these things. not only because i'm so used to it, but because i now know what to do. but having someone mirror what exactly runs in the portals of my mind just makes me plunge into an even deeper form of induced shock that has to be vented out in whatever way, shape or form.

don't get me wrong, i completely love the understanding that underlie the revelation. however, i will still need a moment to breathe.

i'm fortunate enough to get the time to take it all in, but life doesn't bend that way all the time. to think that i live in spontaneity and whatnot, now it's all about planning and making it work.

here we go again with growing up. i've heard the stories, the lectures, the everything. i've also accepted the fact that responsibility hits you hard when you least expect it to. but again, i guess you'll never know everything about it, though it's exactly what you do everyday.

so i am now left to endure the perils of previously selected factoids. big deal. i'm just saying that however grand these pains may be, of course i have no reason to despise whatever happens next. so, with a heavy heart, i accept everything and allow myself to grow up some more.

what i pray for, though, is for actual chance to grow up as well. *sigh*

For the Lack of A Better Outlet: A TRIPLE THREAT

--- 22 september 2009, approximately 11:00 pm ---

because of the elating moments that transpired just a few hours ago, i cannot help thinking back on the olden days when life was less complicated.

you went to school, played with your friends, and went back home. homework before spending countless hours in front of the tv, going to bed at 8 [although sometimes negotiable], but sneaking out in the middle of the night to watch reruns of your favorite show on the ichannel. hating to get out of bed at 5 or 6 am to get ready for yet another day of school. the same teachers, classmates, and everything, day in, day out. waiting for dear old dad to come pick you up. lazily walk around the house before doing anything productive.

awww. that WAS the life.

then again, i get smidgens of that right now-- the same thing day in, day out, with an injection of spontaneity once in a while. living in my own time, and not missing a step. when you think about it, you would say i've retained a little more old school ways than i actually need. but still, things HAVE changed. and no matter how much i rationalize, they will continue changing and will never make me stop wondering.

yes, i will prove that i am a sap because i quote Filipino movies. but i don't care. it fits into the moment like it was made for it:

"i want to stop wondering 'what IF'. i want to know 'what IS.'"

or something to that effect.

but still, i don't know what's keeping me from actually taking the step to bringing my dreams to reality. like i said, confusion's a bitch. elation makes one knowledgeable of the best things that could happen. although momentary, they show you a world that is achievable and liveable [if there is such a word] only in the depths of your desires. then again, desires do not stay alive forever. they fade, lose their spark, and seemingly extinguish their flames through the winds of time. and no matter how much you try to rekindle that flame, time has done its part in making you realize that the dream is now just a dream, that the reality you once knew is a reality no more.

--- 24 september 2009 9:34 pm---

in a matter of days, my views on life and the present have seemingly vaporized.

no worries, though, i'm fine and still encased in indecision.

however, elation feels so much better when experienced firsthand, having manipulated a random chain of events... but guess what? THAT JUST HAPPENED. :)

SOOO, all i can say is a "kaboom" to those untrue and hurrah to the victorious smirk i now have glued on on my face. love me, hate me, or whatever tickles your fancy, GO AHEAD.

because the only question i will ask you is:

HAS IT EVER OCCURRED TO YOU THAT I DON'T CARE? :D [with lash-batting action]

so now, i rest my case. :)

--- 25 september 2009 05:26 am ---

again, in a matter of hours, more facets of life have unfolded before my eyes.

let me channel my present state to this note and unleash the drama oblivious to the illiterate.

it's amazingly funny on millions of levels that hormonal bouts are seemingly passed on to my male friends. i mean, my female allies have just surpassed them this week, but my mojo-loving friends have increasingly been acquiring "traits" women are most commonly known to have: HORMONES. it just knocks my socks off that my triad [a.k.a. connivance team] has inherited the traits i am well-known for, and they are crazily enjoying the ride. well, of course, i am constantly being blamed for discovering the "HormoBot," [in the desperate attempt to make a statement to the annoyance that is a selection of people around me at night] but of course, things are acknowledged and appreciated just the same.

you gotta love education, and i'm sure my connivance team, et al. loves it even more. haha

cheers to more eventful moments then, let this world be a world to find friends in [hi friends!]. ;p

yet another sleepless night

***because technology's a bitch, i will have to retype my entire rambling and begin editing my initial spontaneous flow. if only sleep beckoned, i will turn my laptop off with extremely annoyed muttering and a heavy heart.***

tonight [rather, last night] has been a flurry of emotions.

this time, i am not sleepless because of love, theses, work, or any other brain-numbing thing that i will have to get over and done with.

i am simply baffled about life.

as my extended thoughts on life and the undiscovered flash before my eyes, i commence my written reverie by saying years of my existence have been devoted to what i want. but now, i can't help asking myself if what i want is actually enough.

it pains me to think that i will soon have to say goodbye to my comfort zone and venture out into the unknown. but that's the way the cookie crumbles, life will have to move on. as a matter of fact, it HAS been moving on, leaving me and my comfort zone behind. so now i am left thinking of what else there is in store for me.

sure, i will have to get hurt and feel the pangs of losing a part of myself, but it's all part of the road to maturity. so, now, in the light of gearing towards [further] maturity, i KNOW in my heart of hearts that i will have to decide.

for once i come forth with the key to my future, there's no turning back. and yes, i know i will endure. if only the process wasn't so grueling. then again, as what i've been beating my head with, it doesn't matter, because you're trekking towards your goals. so don't mind the minor setbacks. if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger.

and always believe that at the end of the day, you don't kill yourself for the hurt you've allowed yourself to feel, you kill yourself for the decisions you've made.

right now, though, my brain is indifferent to the screams of my heart. it's as if my heart is in a dark tunnel, struggling to get out... but my brain is still thinking of the beautiful rainbow that decorates my sky. i badly want to get out of this tunnel, to break free of the darkness and indecision... i want to get to that rainbow myself.

as with any road towards goal attainment, i KNOW that i WILL stumble, fall, and accumulate bruises and scratches. but i don't care. for the battle scars of life will mold me into who i can and will be in the end. i will not channel idealism and say i will end up being the greatest, but i will believe that i will be great in my own right. i may be seen by others as half-baked or even extremely raw, but i don't care. whatever i may be going through will not stop me from getting to my destination.

so, now, i ask this question with deep-seated longing: when will my brain inherit my heart's courage?

this is the timeless question that sends pangs to my heart. for however strongly my heart feels about change, if my brain does not help my heart alleviate indecision, the further stretching of my sanity will have to do.

yes, the first step will always be the hardest... and i can't help asking myself when that tiny step will happen.

sun's out, and i am still enveloped in the darkness of my room. sure, tomorrow is a new day, but i will never be silenced by my screaming heart unless that small step is made.

so, now, i will have to engage in more mind-numbing activities and displace the real thoughts that have lined my heart and mind forever...

and let my heart continue to draw the blueprint of my future. :'c

make me whole

20 October 2009, 9:39 am at the mrt, random thought:

it just dawned upon me that i seriously need to relax. despite my strongest attempts to unleash organization into my life, the efforts deem futile in this pathetic semblance of a reality.

************************************************************************

21 October 2009, 4:52 am somewhere in between. prevailing thought:

it's utterly crazy how people unite over misfortune and pain. no matter how much we attempt to prevent it, we seemingly glue ourselves to a unit that alleviate the inner dysfunction you momentarily possess. as much as we retain composure and selflessly think, the deep-seating nature of humans emerge and we, of course, find ourselves bawling over the issues we have not addressed nor even thought about.

i am honestly compelled to be where i am right now, and i would rather be with friends close to my heart. though my presence absorbs the suffering and heartache they unleash, i feel i am right at home with consoling heavy hearts and nerve-wracked brains...

if only i can get to the main point of it all.

honestly, though, despite my useful attempts to be knowledgeable and thought-provoking, i am left dumbfounded at the recent turn of events that have slipped my attention. i have absolutely no idea what will happen to those i hold dear, but the fight is yet to start. sanities lost and heart-wrenching matters found constitute the change that is on its way, and i am teetering on the ice-cold rod of minimal hope.

i hope i can help make things matter, i hope i can get out of this rut. i am a complete and total mind mess right now, i think i need the shrink. this is exactly why i love selective attention, so i can keep my sanity in check and appear as the epitome of strength to others who lean on me.

this is generally too revealing, in an extremely weird sense. for what it's worth, though, this is all directed toward one clear goal: positive change.

so i have no choice but to be half-baked in whatever the next few days will bring. so much for my powers of positivity. here's to the real crunchtime.

Random: Finding Source of Your Pain [Source of your pain not always obvious.]

for the millionth time, i have attempted to actually write something of substance and share it to the world. but, AS USUAL, i was either exhausted like crazy or asleep, too tired to even attempt a tactile interaction involving my fingertips and laptop.

so while i'm still awake and pretty much alive, i begin my oration. and because i am now a conglomeration of sorts, this will be as random as it can get.

i found "Finding Source of Your Pain [Source of Your Pain Not Always Obvious]" on a Yahoo! popup ad thing, and since then, i found myself scrolling through the varying headlines, searching for something thought-provoking. to no avail, though. i soon realized that great things come in increments, and that i had to digest this tiny factoid first before i discover another line that shall pierce my heart's walls.

so, let the mastication begin.

i've always thought that dwelling on the pain something--or someone--has caused you is completely absurd. and yet in my most unpremeditated of moments, i find myself employing what i believe i despise. in my most pathetic attempts of heightened self-preservation, i subject my brain to the fake belief that i actually don't care--when in fact, i do.

usually, it takes a gargantuan amount of proving importance to make me care about trivial matters--because i know what i want and i know what i need to pay attention to--but really, behind this wall of strength and nonchalance, i have a heart, too.

so, for every tear shed and every heart broken, i share a seemingly hapless smile and get back to the perils of what's real.

so where exactly can the pain's source be found? [i absolutely thank the Lord in this particular moment that i haven't entered the world of medicine yet, or i will further pollute my mind with actual facts and figures and veer away from the point that my heart is driving at.]

i say it can be found anywhere, and can unfortunately strike you at any time. Yes, it may be coming from the one thing you treasure the most, or from that one great love you allowed your heart to experience, but the bottom line is, you will always think it originated from something else. AND THEN you start believing what you choose to believe.

what makes it even more excruciating, though, is that no matter how you allow yourself to believe it came from something else, you will find yourself bawling in the end over the fact that you never saw it coming from that one thing you invested most of yourself on.

and YES, it will hurt, and you will die a million times inside and have your heart crushed to smithereens, but you will have to use the powers of self-preservation to rebuild the life you once had--minus the pain and drama.

and when you've turned over a new leaf and have faced tomorrow, you will smile and breathe a sigh of relief at the emotional roller coaster you just allowed yourself to ride. and you emerge stronger and happier, and more able to handle the pain.

"if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger," "life's a bitch and then you die," the list goes on. but i think what makes pain matter to us is how significantly it has played a role in your overall development and resilience. because the next time it happens, you'll be prepared. and it will be simply amazing that it doesn't shatter the portals of your heart this time--you will have learned to take it in and get it straightened out. and you will flash a megawatt smile to the world, signifying triumph and total bliss. :)

-= <3 =-

for the lack of a better outlet, i again pour my emotions onto this virtual world i call home. like what i've been accepting for years, blogging can actually be a pretty therapeutic form of lashing out without anyone having the right to judge you--because really, if you're that affected, start a blog and lash out yourself, HELEEEW.

;p

it's such a pain in the behind that my current lifestyle has allowed everything else to be a blur to me. i've been sick, exhausted, out of it, and disheveled from the million ketsanas i allow myself to face every millisecond of everyday. and no matter how much i say that it's for the love of the game, sometimes... it just isn't anymore.

i've missed myself. and i guess i owe it in large part to a certain individual who made me feel okay again with unleashing slanders at randomness. i at least know how to [statement!]. i COULD say the same to the unintelligible trash some people bring to the table, but clearly, that WOULD be a lie.

-= <3 =-

i am truly annoyed by sensationalizing freaks without a cause. it's not even important that you engage yourself in this life, and yet you still do. i can only empathize to a certain extent [towards you, at least], and everything else will be fatal, even to me. my being will not tolerate your pathetic excuse for a life and will self-destruct, and of course, when that happens, you will be the only one to blame.

i hate the fact that the crabness creeps to the most insignificant of beings. like i said, the ignorance is lamentable enough. and now you allow yourself to be exposed even more as illiterate and bask in the momentary glory that exposure to criticism brought you? i mean, duh. get a life.

you pollute my brain with thoughts of pitiful self-justification, and i sure as hell don't buy it. unfortunately, you have proved even more that you are actually a disgrace to mankind and everything else associated with you. so please, if you can even fathom a smidgen of my point, work on being invisible already. because really, to most people, YOU JUST ARE.

oh, how i love random talk. ;)

-= <3 =-

have i proven my point yet? i know i did a million times. some people just completely don't get the fact that this IS the truth. i've tried countless times to be understanding and civil, but the utter idiocy of it all is what gives me recurrent mental torture.

have YOU ever heard of social suicide? i guess not.

it's irritating that NO ONE has gotten a clue. and i think NO ONE will ever get a clue because NO ONE is a daft, salon-dwelling nincompoop.

-= <3 =-

just so i end my reverie on a happy note, i'm happy. i think.

see you soon, world. :)

A Little Less Complicated

i have no freaking idea what everything that has been happening means.


they say these things are what normally happens in my newfound industry, and my rigidity feels robbed. my plan for all seasons has failed to cater to my OC attacks and i have to conform to the unreliability of life too...


oh, the horror, the horror.


oh well, at least i have my wave-mates to be with. i have to master the art of letting go once again, though... letting go of the life principles i've strictly adhered to somehow and enjoy the ride.


while life was attacking my rigidity last night, i frantically browsed through my phonebook and rang everyone i felt i could talk to. 3 people loved me enough to reply, but kim (replyer#1) was short on battery, and jb (replyer#2) was preparing for work. good thing roy (ringer#1) rang moi, and thank goodness, i was able to talk to someone. life is still great, despite the attacks at my weary spirit. :)


what's with the personal attack, right? oh well. :)


blame it on "that's life". :)


oh yeah, jb rang me too after a while. but then roy was with me already, so i cut it short. i promised, though, to tell him everything once i have time, and so i'll email him right after this. haha :)


***


From a blimp far beyond outer space

***



i've been chatting with a friend from college for the past half-hour (ish), and yes, i have updated her on the perils of my sick, sad life. what was that, reza? go for gold? let's see. :p i've had a lecture from my everdearest "high school" best friend already, papa roy, and i want to keep myself sane and "nag-free" for a moment so i can properly function.



only time will tell, though. whatever happens, i'll make sure i'm prepared. i will never again succumb to pressure. yes, we all know how that went.


when pertaining to life in general, yes, everything is a little less complicated. but then again, i reassess where i am, and i find myself shocked with what i haven't been paying attention to that much. everything is equally important, but something really pushes itself to the surface of my brainwaves so much more than the others... i have NO IDEA where this is going, and i'm extremely scared. i just hope the dreaded cloud of confusion clears up soon.


as much as i would want to elaborate to clear my head of the mental trauma i receive by the second, i can't. i have to figure things out myself, and yeah, if in doubt, deal with it. there's no way this is going to be easier, so i'll have to face it and learn the awful truth myself.


i would give almost anything to be able to get out of this rut. if only things would fall into place and the world would give me a break and succumb to my rigidity... sadly, though, i am merely a space ant in this extraterrestrial dimension we live in.


sad snaps for jaimie...

oh well. upside or downside, i'm on life's side for the long haul. :)

see you on the flipside. :)