the root of all inspiration

This poem has been one of the things that stuck with me throughout my life. I think I remember this being declaimed back in grade school, and the tagline instantly glued to my being. It served as my inspiration, and my assurance that I am special in my own way.

Allow me to share one of the works of the renowned Maya Angelou:

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.

I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size

But when I start to tell them,

They think I'm telling lies.

I say,

It's in the reach of my arms

The span of my hips,

The stride of my step,

The curl of my lips.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

I walk into a room

Just as cool as you please,

And to a man,

The fellows stand or

Fall down on their knees.

Then they swarm around me,

A hive of honey bees.

I say,

It's the fire in my eyes,

And the flash of my teeth,

The swing in my waist,

And the joy in my feet.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

Men themselves have wondered

What they see in me.

They try so much

But they can't touch

My inner mystery.

When I try to show them

They say they still can't see.

I say,

It's in the arch of my back,

The sun of my smile,

The ride of my breasts,

The grace of my style.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

Now you understand

Just why my head's not bowed.

I don't shout or jump about

Or have to talk real loud.

When you see me passing

It ought to make you proud.

I say,

It's in the click of my heels,

The bend of my hair,

the palm of my hand,

The need of my care,

'Cause I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

summer?

i wonder how i'll be savoring the last few days of summer i'll have... i'll have exactly 7 days to do EVERYTHING before crash course summer starts again.

i sooooo want to go to the beach!!! i really don't care anymore if i'm not beach perfect. i just want to bask in the sun and get a serious tan :D i remember how i suuuuuuper made sure Torrevieja gave me just that--i literally allowed myself to be scorched by the unforgiving Spanish sun, all of course, for vanity's sake. ;)

now, i'm stuck with work [AND in school, for that matter], and i don't even enjoy it anymore. :( i just want to lie on the sand and not care. even for just ONE day. i wannaaaaaaaa. :(

*sigh*

i want to plan something post-transumm with my batchmates. and everybody wants to do something, that i'm sure of. problem is, nobody's starting to plan. it's all ideas, no one's acting on it. shall i get the ball rolling? i want my summer escapade, even for just one day. one very, very memorable day.

i will get the thing i have always wanted my summer to include. no matter what the stakes, i shall beach! just you wait. ;)

analogies

when i am deviant, i do not defy; i express.

when i am blunt, i do not offend; i educate.

when i am self-absorbed, i do not neglect; i reflect.

when i am mean, i do not try to impress; i test.

when i create, i do not ruin; i experiment.

when i style, i do not mock; i innovate.

when i say ill things, i do not demean; i describe.

when i have that tone, i do not condescend; i clarify.

when i bitch out, i do not lose tact; i am honest.

when i choose to be alone, i do not ignore; i detach.

when i help, i do not quantify; i provide.

when i advise, i do not aim to change; i enlighten.

when i trust, i do not doubt; I BELIEVE.

when i feel, i am not selfish; i am true.
when i make choices, i do not overlook; i prioritize.

when i love, i do not measure; i give my heart.

when i cry, i am not weakened; i am hurt.

when i have been hurt, i do not forget.

i may forgive with my entirety--

but i will always remember.

from 2am to 3am :)

i breathe, just breathe...

and then i miss you, rob thomas. <3

friday is roadtrip day

i had just finished celmol class and was bumming around school when i saw the ls bookstore tarps. they looked like fun stuff [plus, i had time to kill and didn't really want to go through the immediate commute back home IN THAT HEAT], so i decided to check things out.

as i was scouring the aisles, looking for something spontaneously perfect, i got a message from my high school friend jules. she wanted to go greenhills and chill, and, being the spontaneous glory that i am, i obliged. on the condition that she would pick me up, of course. ;)

and then there were calls and confirmation messages and small talk, and finally, i was waiting for her to arrive. when i received the message that she had indeed reached my destination, she went, "i'm here na. ateneo med."

O. M. G. :))

i had specifically told her that i was in loyola, but i guess she didn't catch that. so we laughed it off, clarified things and i waited again.

i had purchased a pretty little lanyard and had edited it with a rubber attachment from my old one. and then, since i didn't have a book with me to distract me from the terrible heat, i plugged in my in-ears and blasted summer covers from my nano video as i took in the landscape of the gesu. i sat on one of those plastic benches at the front area of xavier hall and had my back turned against the road my dear friend was going to come from.

and then i felt a sudden, almost-bruising pain in my right shoulder. OUCH.

being the crazy dorks that we are, we fell into a high-pitched excited hug that always happens when we see each other. jules and i sat and marveled at the lifestyle changes we had just gone through since we celebrated mine and jen's birthdays last february. happy thoughts were shared, until we decided to get going.

there was a sudden shift in like when jules declared it was actually her burger day that day. she had been checking out burger place reviews online [like i said, dorky. ;p] and wanted to experience something new. so a trek to the burger project in maginhawa street was in order.

i remembered that quaint place we chilled at a weekend ago [if i'm not mistaken], van gogh is bipolar, and remembered that it was somewhere near there. since we were already in the spirit of new experiences, why not, right? :)

sadly, though, it was still closed [we were there at effing 12noon, hello!] so we just decided to burger away and head to katipunan for dessert. :)

in the semi-pileup that is midday traffic, we gabbed on and did some catching up as we passed a series of twists and turns [it was elliptical road, i think?] to get to teacher's village. after crazy laughter, too-much-heat headaches and re-exploring music from high school courtesy of julieta's old cds, this is the interesting sign that greeted us when we finally reached the finish line:

interesting ;)

it was exciting and such a fun experience, because we were both new to it. so we did the tiny clipboard thing, and then suddenly decided we would get one of those specialty burgers instead. now, let me introduce you to the Western Bacon Melt:

*drool*

check out all that angus goodness, slathered with just the right smokey-sweet barbecue sauce, bacon, melted cheese, tomatoes and breaded onion rings [surprisingly yummy!] on a sesame seed bun. given that it was a little too large-and-in-charge for our wonder-filled beings, we decided to split it and get a sloppy side of spicy buffalo wings with a tiny tub of ranch to balance it all out :)

*mmmmmmm*

and as soon as our plates hit the table, the signal gun was fired and it was time to devour our newly-discovered goodness. :) when i tried a bit of the saucy wings, though, something strangely familiar greeted me. i was trying to pinpoint that sauce it tasted like, but was so excited with the heat that i momentarily dismissed the thought.

and then it hit me: SUNSHINE!!! :D the buffalo wings had that thick jamaican pattie hot sauce which i loved and piled on my pattie when noc and i celebrated faith's birthday late last year [backtrack to that entry here].

*happy dancing* now, lemme add another recipe to my culinary agenda. :)

after that fat-infested hour, we decided to drive to UP before heading to the dessert place. we wanted to find a new and interesting place to kill time at, but ended up parking near palma and walking our satisfied asses off.

some unidentified object hit the car roof and julieta froze. when we got out of the car, i noticed the ginormous tree with oddly-shaped fruits hanging from its branches right above our parking space. as soon as i pointed that out, though, julieta panicked and quickly transferred slots.

better to be safe than sorry. LOL *parking memories*

it was a long time since i last explored UP [or since i EVER tried exploring it], and a lot has changed--at least that's what i think. the trees formed a sort of shed for everything on the road to be protected from the angry sun, and, i must admit, it looked pretty amazing. :) this is the sad photo julieta took that didn't quite justify how interesting it looked to me:

near the tennis court, i have NO idea what place this is. heehee :))

and because it was TOO hot, we decided to forgo riding the ikot and just walk around, experiencing the scenery. along the way, we discussed the actual location of the sunken garden--among other things--and, frustratingly, never really got that resolved. we weren't from there, so we gave a good laugh at how crazy the conversation might have sounded to people who overheard [or for those picnic-king authentics, as jules called them, by the sunken field, for that matter. lol].

after my geometric principles on walking [the shortest way between two points is a line--kudos to ate myls for teaching me that], and because my right ankle hurt really bad, complements of the sprain i've had since forever, we left UP and made a beeline for dessert heaven. but we didn't find gayuma [another craving] and went around in circles. and since we didn't want to move around the nooks and crannies of katipunan to get to the ateneo or even conti's and chill there, we went to the banapple katipunan on the other side to get julieta's sweet tooth satisfied. and because this was her first visit, i suggested a basic crowd-pleaser:

Banoffee pie :)

and because i was an almost regular, i deviated and got something equally mouth-watering:

Oreo Fudge Brownie Cheesecake <3 

we were too full of stories and food and everything else funny and wonderful, and we talked endlessly about everything under the sun [painfully literally. and figuratively]. and when i realized i had work that night and julieta had to dodge traffic going back home, we called it a day and it was the end of our adventure. :) so the search is on!!! :)

midnight mercato

weeeeee Off beat :)

just when i thought i was gonna spend another lazy leave day stuck at home, kuya sees me run off to the loo and bellows from his room, asking me if i had work that fateful friday night. of course, with a tiny smirk, i say "no, i don't" and await the next lines he'd throw. and then he asks if i wanted to go to the midnight mercato. my sleepy brain instantly went DUHHH and i coolly answered, "okay, in a minute" and made a beeline for the loo, quickly showered, and was nice and chill after a couple of minutes. :)

given that this was my maiden voyage to anything mercato centrale, i was definitely excited to see all the wonderful goodness that would kill me in more ways than one. and so the sojourn began with a flurry of crazy overtakes and ex-squeeze me moments until we got to the first destination: manang's chicken. :)

the line was looong, good Lord, and all we wanted to get were 2 glasses of freshly brewed pandan iced tea for the walk. so we waited -- ho-humm -- and finally got the iced tea and went on our way. kuya wanted me to scour the entirety of the tents before i made a decision, but lectured me on all the crispy-licious saucy goodness of manang's chicken.

okay, fine. so we're getting that. ;)

so we walked and squeezed in and did the whole nine yards. despite the almost workout that was finding a space to walk on, though, i still couldn't take that image out of my head:

ooey gooey giant cheese sticks from Off beat

since i originally thought they were mexican somethings, i wanted to get them badly. kuya hates mexican food [i have NO idea why], so that's a no. but i wanted them anyway, and being the good big brother that he is, we got them still ;)

a few minutes after, we realized they weren't actually mexican babies and found out they were giant cheese sticks. so kuya relaxed and i got my treat. :) there was a minute, though, when i semi-screamed at the poor boy preparing our cheese-infested goodness, because he was holding the ginormous mayo-filled squeeze bottle over the food. kuya let me go "WAAAAAIT!" and i asked what that white thing was. and because it was mayo [yechhh], it was definitely OUT of the question. :p

and as i waited and had fun checking out the sights, i got my Twilight moment [i tweaked the photo a bit so i'd look less pale and more human ;)]. and here's my lady-in-waiting photo:

as you can see, there were other things being served by these guys. and i checked them out while waiting for my delightful giants :) and, lo and behold, the things i DIDN'T eat: 

glazed doughnuts --obviously Krispy Kremes-- for bread [which i thought were bagels! ugh] and all the love inside. 

yikes to the BACON FAT that's slipping and sliding riiight there. #killmenow

i would eat this, ONLY without the bacon fat and with actual bagels for bread. *death*

moving on to the next victim.

burger patties that looked really inviting, sans the sliced BACON FAT that totally ruined everything for me.


can you say death by cholesterol? yechhh.

so, of of course, i didn't get that. ;) i just took my giant cheese sticks and we ran along. :)

we got another round of drinks-- fruit shakes this time --before the hard part of actually deciding on what to eat. kuya asked me to find seats while he queued for manang's chicken, and i asked him to get me the extra spicy sauce on the side [because he's not too much into intensely spicy things] instead. and so i went into the tent with the a/c [i reeked of grilled-ness already, thank you very much] and found a sweet spot and *finally* got to sit down. :) and when the manang's chicken arrived, yay! :D 'twas time to eat! :D

Happy Camper <3

sadly, though, the moist chocolate, vanilla-frosted muffins were sold out, so, boo-hoo to the dessert junkie. :( someday, when i return, i shall conquer that 9-piece box of vanilla frosted, moist chocolate muffins. *drool*

AND sooooo, i will definitely go back. ;) i'm feeling a little barx night out-slash-food frenzy soon. :D

73 pesos of happiness :)

it started with a spontaneous promise over brunch. well, a dare, actually. :p

so the dare included ate bing [our helper] accompanying me to the market right then and there to get stuff for what randomness i blurted out that i'd prepare for mum's post-birthday. everyone laughed, of course, because it seemed absurd [and because they didn't believe i'd actually go marketing]. but hey, i stand by my dares. ;)

and then it rained.

resigned to my fate, i found myself glued to Facebook, Tweetdeck, and editing-slash-uploading Midnight Mercato photos. half of me wanted the market trip to cease, but then i heard my name called, and ate bing said she's ready to leave.

so WTH. off to the market we go.

i was planning on wearing flipflops, but then the thought of gross--dirty, bacteria-infested wet market puddled floors with murky-water-that-splash-on-your-legs-when-you-wear-inappropriate-footwear came to mind. so, no. flips were out of the question. and so were jeans or anything else long.

and off we went, with a couple of things in mind. i actually missed going to the market, mainly because it's been too long since i last saw the inside of a wet market. the past times i'd shopped for ingredients for things i cooked were in big, air-conditioned supermarkets. so imagine the excitement. :D

it was quieter when we got there, [it was past noon, after all.] and most of the stalls left were those of fruits and vegetables. just like any old market, every stall had the same thing, and it was your duty as a buyer to scout for the best finds with the lowest price.

it was exciting to see everything just there, and so cheap at that. and i ended up buying waaaaaay more than i needed [which is fine, cz i can always cook the same snack thing anytime this week :)]. and after scouring the stands, i ended up with these ingredients:

cheese blocks, lumpia wrapper and green chilis :D

this is really just part of what i bought. remember, everything was just too much for one cooking session because we overestimated portions. oh well. i might do this again sooner than i think anyway. ;) maybe later? heehee. :p

and after minutes of OCness...

ta-daaaaaaaahhh!!! :D

well, hello there, cholesterol. :))

glee's anatomy. lol :D

http://tv.yahoo.com/blog/everything-you-need-to-know-about-the-greys-anatomy-musical-episode--2648

lovelovelove :)

Charlie the Unicorn 2

this is keena's fault. so, now, i feel like i'm charlie because i'm such a grouch. LOL.


" It's the Choo Choo Shoe, Charlie, the Choo Choo Shoe! :)


enjoy :)

*travel wishlist*

ohkaaaaaay. 

this is extremely random, as i was initially researching for this piece i'm making for a writing job i'm applying for. but heyyy, the second my eyes fell on the word BOROBUDUR, man, i was a goner.

now, the point of my day was to gather as much travel destinations as i could in one sitting. i got myself routed to websites for UNESCO world heritage sites, varying tourist attractions, and some scandinavian-north american-north african-fijian-micronesian-french polynesian places i've been dying to visit since time immemorial *drool* and whatnot.

so, yes, in the blink of an eye, my mind went loca on all these places and culture and experiences and craziness. and i frikkin love it! :) too bad, though, my mom called me to her room for help with coloring her hair already. so, daydream paused... NOT.

so when i started laboring over my mom's hair, i gabbed on about finding this and that, blahblahblah. and mom was more than eager to join in. so our mutual love for mythology and egypt and pyramids and travel resurfaced, and we planned as we colored her hair. hahaha. 

"so pretty please, mister LOTTO person, will you make my mommy and daddy win the jackpot so our family can travel the world again? pleeeeeeease?" *batts eyelashes*

and because i plan to date myself today and rush to the poetry reading at the Instituto Cervantes, here are some places i had in mind for my travel wishlist:

Borobudur, Java, Indonesia

Prasat Angkor Wat, Angkor, Cambodia

Stonehenge, Wiltshire, United Kingdom

Mondriki, Fiji [Melanesia]

Bounty Island, Fiji [Melanesia]

Navala Village, Nausori Highlands, Fiji [Melanesia]

Chichen Itza Ruins, Mexico

1000 Warrior Columns, Chichen Itza, Mexico

Teotihuacan Pyramids of the Sun, Mexico

the Acropolis from Philopappos Hill, Athens, Greece

Parthenon, Athens, Greece

Erechtheum, Athens, Greece

St. Petersburg, Russia

Shaman Rock, Olkhon Island, Russia

Mangareva, Gambier Islands, French Polynesia

Tuamotus Lagoon, French Polynesia

Bora Bora, French Polynesia

Matira Beach, Bora Bora, French Polynesia

Kheops Pyramid, Egypt

Giza Pyramids, Cairo, Egypt

Taj Mahal, Agra, India

apparently, it's easier to use these photos in their original size [or just a little less]. otherwise, it would take AGES for them to actually show up on screen. :)

and yes, i have a fascination for beaches and stone-built amazements. basta. :D one of these years, i shall go to these places. i swear, i will!!! :)

hiding

While roaming around mega yesterday, destressing, kuya started reciting a funny poem. Because even the intonation he used was pathetic, i was laughing like CRAZY. And then, I realized, the poor little kid he was imitating was me as a preschooler.

No wonder the poem was familiar. LOL.

So the memories came rushing back, when my entire family would recite this so I could practice for my declamation piece; how my parents used to teach me killer moves and gestures to prove my point [those moves were killer back then]; how I would forget the mirror part, so it naturally came out louder when I remembered it already cz I literally screamed it out; how we would practice in front of the ginormous mirror in my parents' dressing area [and how short I was back then. harhar], and then-- a blank. Damn, my memory's selective.

And so I had to find it. TA-DAHHH!!! :D

I'm hiding, I'm hiding
And no one knows where;
For all they can see are my
Toes and my hair

And I just heard my father
Say to my mother -
"But, darling, (s)he must be
Somewhere or other;

Have you looked in the inkwell?"
And Mother said, "Where?"
"In the INKWELL?" said Father. But
I was not there.

Then "Wait!" cried my mother —
"I think that I see
(Her)Him under the carpet."
But It was not me.

"Inside the mirror's
A pretty good place."
Said Father and looked, but saw
Only his face.

"We've hunted," sighed Mother,
"As hard as we could
And I am so afraid that we've
Lost (her)him for good."

Then I laughed out loud
And I wiggled my toes
And Father said —"Look, dear,
I wonder if those

Toes could be Benny's?
There are ten of them, see?"
And they WERE so surprised to find
Out it was me!

HIDING, From the book entitled "A Child's Anthology of Poetry," Dorothy Keeley Aldis

closure much?

Closing Cycles by Paulo Coelho

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters - whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back. Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place. Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.” Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person - nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life.

Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.

Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

yet another sleepless night

***because technology's a bitch, i will have to retype my entire rambling and begin editing my initial spontaneous flow. if only sleep beckoned, i will turn my laptop off with extremely annoyed muttering and a heavy heart.***

tonight [rather, last night] has been a flurry of emotions.

this time, i am not sleepless because of love, theses, work, or any other brain-numbing thing that i will have to get over and done with.

i am simply baffled about life.

as my extended thoughts on life and the undiscovered flash before my eyes, i commence my written reverie by saying years of my existence have been devoted to what i want. but now, i can't help asking myself if what i want is actually enough.

it pains me to think that i will soon have to say goodbye to my comfort zone and venture out into the unknown. but that's the way the cookie crumbles, life will have to move on. as a matter of fact, it HAS been moving on, leaving me and my comfort zone behind. so now i am left thinking of what else there is in store for me.

sure, i will have to get hurt and feel the pangs of losing a part of myself, but it's all part of the road to maturity. so, now, in the light of gearing towards [further] maturity, i KNOW in my heart of hearts that i will have to decide.

for once i come forth with the key to my future, there's no turning back. and yes, i know i will endure. if only the process wasn't so grueling. then again, as what i've been beating my head with, it doesn't matter, because you're trekking towards your goals. so don't mind the minor setbacks. if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger.

and always believe that at the end of the day, you don't kill yourself for the hurt you've allowed yourself to feel, you kill yourself for the decisions you've made.

right now, though, my brain is indifferent to the screams of my heart. it's as if my heart is in a dark tunnel, struggling to get out... but my brain is still thinking of the beautiful rainbow that decorates my sky. i badly want to get out of this tunnel, to break free of the darkness and indecision... i want to get to that rainbow myself.

as with any road towards goal attainment, i KNOW that i WILL stumble, fall, and accumulate bruises and scratches. but i don't care. for the battle scars of life will mold me into who i can and will be in the end. i will not channel idealism and say i will end up being the greatest, but i will believe that i will be great in my own right. i may be seen by others as half-baked or even extremely raw, but i don't care. whatever i may be going through will not stop me from getting to my destination.

so, now, i ask this question with deep-seated longing: when will my brain inherit my heart's courage?

this is the timeless question that sends pangs to my heart. for however strongly my heart feels about change, if my brain does not help my heart alleviate indecision, the further stretching of my sanity will have to do.

yes, the first step will always be the hardest... and i can't help asking myself when that tiny step will happen.

sun's out, and i am still enveloped in the darkness of my room. sure, tomorrow is a new day, but i will never be silenced by my screaming heart unless that small step is made.

so, now, i will have to engage in more mind-numbing activities and displace the real thoughts that have lined my heart and mind forever...

and let my heart continue to draw the blueprint of my future. :'c

make me whole

20 October 2009, 9:39 am at the mrt, random thought:

it just dawned upon me that i seriously need to relax. despite my strongest attempts to unleash organization into my life, the efforts deem futile in this pathetic semblance of a reality.

************************************************************************

21 October 2009, 4:52 am somewhere in between. prevailing thought:

it's utterly crazy how people unite over misfortune and pain. no matter how much we attempt to prevent it, we seemingly glue ourselves to a unit that alleviate the inner dysfunction you momentarily possess. as much as we retain composure and selflessly think, the deep-seating nature of humans emerge and we, of course, find ourselves bawling over the issues we have not addressed nor even thought about.

i am honestly compelled to be where i am right now, and i would rather be with friends close to my heart. though my presence absorbs the suffering and heartache they unleash, i feel i am right at home with consoling heavy hearts and nerve-wracked brains...

if only i can get to the main point of it all.

honestly, though, despite my useful attempts to be knowledgeable and thought-provoking, i am left dumbfounded at the recent turn of events that have slipped my attention. i have absolutely no idea what will happen to those i hold dear, but the fight is yet to start. sanities lost and heart-wrenching matters found constitute the change that is on its way, and i am teetering on the ice-cold rod of minimal hope.

i hope i can help make things matter, i hope i can get out of this rut. i am a complete and total mind mess right now, i think i need the shrink. this is exactly why i love selective attention, so i can keep my sanity in check and appear as the epitome of strength to others who lean on me.

this is generally too revealing, in an extremely weird sense. for what it's worth, though, this is all directed toward one clear goal: positive change.

so i have no choice but to be half-baked in whatever the next few days will bring. so much for my powers of positivity. here's to the real crunchtime.

Random: Finding Source of Your Pain [Source of your pain not always obvious.]

for the millionth time, i have attempted to actually write something of substance and share it to the world. but, AS USUAL, i was either exhausted like crazy or asleep, too tired to even attempt a tactile interaction involving my fingertips and laptop.

so while i'm still awake and pretty much alive, i begin my oration. and because i am now a conglomeration of sorts, this will be as random as it can get.

i found "Finding Source of Your Pain [Source of Your Pain Not Always Obvious]" on a Yahoo! popup ad thing, and since then, i found myself scrolling through the varying headlines, searching for something thought-provoking. to no avail, though. i soon realized that great things come in increments, and that i had to digest this tiny factoid first before i discover another line that shall pierce my heart's walls.

so, let the mastication begin.

i've always thought that dwelling on the pain something--or someone--has caused you is completely absurd. and yet in my most unpremeditated of moments, i find myself employing what i believe i despise. in my most pathetic attempts of heightened self-preservation, i subject my brain to the fake belief that i actually don't care--when in fact, i do.

usually, it takes a gargantuan amount of proving importance to make me care about trivial matters--because i know what i want and i know what i need to pay attention to--but really, behind this wall of strength and nonchalance, i have a heart, too.

so, for every tear shed and every heart broken, i share a seemingly hapless smile and get back to the perils of what's real.

so where exactly can the pain's source be found? [i absolutely thank the Lord in this particular moment that i haven't entered the world of medicine yet, or i will further pollute my mind with actual facts and figures and veer away from the point that my heart is driving at.]

i say it can be found anywhere, and can unfortunately strike you at any time. Yes, it may be coming from the one thing you treasure the most, or from that one great love you allowed your heart to experience, but the bottom line is, you will always think it originated from something else. AND THEN you start believing what you choose to believe.

what makes it even more excruciating, though, is that no matter how you allow yourself to believe it came from something else, you will find yourself bawling in the end over the fact that you never saw it coming from that one thing you invested most of yourself on.

and YES, it will hurt, and you will die a million times inside and have your heart crushed to smithereens, but you will have to use the powers of self-preservation to rebuild the life you once had--minus the pain and drama.

and when you've turned over a new leaf and have faced tomorrow, you will smile and breathe a sigh of relief at the emotional roller coaster you just allowed yourself to ride. and you emerge stronger and happier, and more able to handle the pain.

"if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger," "life's a bitch and then you die," the list goes on. but i think what makes pain matter to us is how significantly it has played a role in your overall development and resilience. because the next time it happens, you'll be prepared. and it will be simply amazing that it doesn't shatter the portals of your heart this time--you will have learned to take it in and get it straightened out. and you will flash a megawatt smile to the world, signifying triumph and total bliss. :)

-= <3 =-

for the lack of a better outlet, i again pour my emotions onto this virtual world i call home. like what i've been accepting for years, blogging can actually be a pretty therapeutic form of lashing out without anyone having the right to judge you--because really, if you're that affected, start a blog and lash out yourself, HELEEEW.

;p

it's such a pain in the behind that my current lifestyle has allowed everything else to be a blur to me. i've been sick, exhausted, out of it, and disheveled from the million ketsanas i allow myself to face every millisecond of everyday. and no matter how much i say that it's for the love of the game, sometimes... it just isn't anymore.

i've missed myself. and i guess i owe it in large part to a certain individual who made me feel okay again with unleashing slanders at randomness. i at least know how to [statement!]. i COULD say the same to the unintelligible trash some people bring to the table, but clearly, that WOULD be a lie.

-= <3 =-

i am truly annoyed by sensationalizing freaks without a cause. it's not even important that you engage yourself in this life, and yet you still do. i can only empathize to a certain extent [towards you, at least], and everything else will be fatal, even to me. my being will not tolerate your pathetic excuse for a life and will self-destruct, and of course, when that happens, you will be the only one to blame.

i hate the fact that the crabness creeps to the most insignificant of beings. like i said, the ignorance is lamentable enough. and now you allow yourself to be exposed even more as illiterate and bask in the momentary glory that exposure to criticism brought you? i mean, duh. get a life.

you pollute my brain with thoughts of pitiful self-justification, and i sure as hell don't buy it. unfortunately, you have proved even more that you are actually a disgrace to mankind and everything else associated with you. so please, if you can even fathom a smidgen of my point, work on being invisible already. because really, to most people, YOU JUST ARE.

oh, how i love random talk. ;)

-= <3 =-

have i proven my point yet? i know i did a million times. some people just completely don't get the fact that this IS the truth. i've tried countless times to be understanding and civil, but the utter idiocy of it all is what gives me recurrent mental torture.

have YOU ever heard of social suicide? i guess not.

it's irritating that NO ONE has gotten a clue. and i think NO ONE will ever get a clue because NO ONE is a daft, salon-dwelling nincompoop.

-= <3 =-

just so i end my reverie on a happy note, i'm happy. i think.

see you soon, world. :)

Jai needs...

Here’s how it works: Google “[your first name] needs” and share the first 15 results. That's it: it is that simple. But be honest! Then tag some friends to pass this on...

*i was going for "Jaimie needs", but i realized i like using "Jai" more, and guess what? results are waaaay funnier. ;D to the people who know me well, have fun! :D*

1. Jai needs to play in an uptempo style.
[http://sports.espn.go.com/ncb/columns/story?columnist=katz_andy&id=2855252]

- haha how much more uptempo? ;) okay, let me get my hands on something nice and sugarey and i'll give you uptempo. LOL

2. Jai needs.. to play uptempo style, a new job, needs to focus, help to come home, & a big story line.
[http://twitter.com/mytyp/status/3114407721]

- awww. what a giveaway. boo to you on this one, twitter. :(

3. Jai needs to focus on beefing up the family's cash reserve.
[http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1365/is_5_33/ai_94672524/]

- HAHA! this simply means my ass has got to get out of the house and back to work SOON! haha do you hear me screaming "alipin"??? :D

4. Jai Needs A New Job
[http://www.latingossip.com/television/jai-needs-a-new-job.html]

- <3 this, LOL. need i say more? #3 has it written down PERFECTLY. ;)

5. JAI needs J2SE 1.3 to install..
[http://forums.sun.com/thread.jspa?threadID=5382469]

- okay, this i have no idea about. ;p *krookroo moment*

6. Jai needs help to come home
[http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,20633905-2862,00.html]

- of course i do. i need help to come "home" into your arms. <3 eww. cheeesy craaap. LOL

7. Jai needs a big story line.
[http://www.backtothebay.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=32811]

- haha i know. i need a grandiose ending to my long and complicated story ;)

8. JAI needs motif native libraries on Solaris with JDK 1.4.
[http://marc.info/?l=ant-user&m=106491061405440&w=2]

- again, stumped. NEEEXT.

9. JAI needs sometimes to know the name of the vendor who developed the application, and the implementation of it…
[http://thierry.wasylczenko.free.fr/?p=66]

- yes, i think i do. so i won't have to tinker with every single program i install and go ahead and use it according to what it was ACTUALLY bound to do. LOL

10. Jai needs a really good producer to show what (s)he is capable of doing.
[http://www.amazon.com/Mondo-Rama-Jai-Uttal/dp/B00005Y1JO]

- HAHA i knowww! :D broadway, here i come! <3 haha ;p

11. Jai needs a business start-up loan and a savings account.
[http://www.bot.or.th/Thai/ResearchAndPublications/DocLib_/article08_07_09_a.pdf]

- oh, yes please! :D (with eyes aflutter :D)

12. JAI needs to be able to "see" the ImageIO tools as well, and I'm pretty confident that in your case what's happening is that somehow it(she) can't.
[http://markmail.org/message/7fzj53rgvkuvpikr]

- sheesh. another software thing. GAAAAAA

13. Jai needs to work on his(her) feet and ankles.
[http://www.bollyadda.com/2009/05/dance-india-dance-22-may.html]

- yes, to get this lifelong sprain(s?) figured out. harharhar.

14. JAI Needs Assessment Team learned that in the absence of textbooks, some teachers have resorted to making pamphlets.
[http://el-gr.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=212029970252]

- oh yeah, made one myself. think retro>st. paul pasig>I-7>algeb>math path brochure>miss camacho :D

15. Jai needs to understand that it is possible to redesign jobs around employees instead of looking for the perfect employee for each job.
[http://www.businessworld.in/index.php/Cases/Accepting-Change.html]

- of course i know that. problem is, you have to redesign (again!) once you get a new employee. attrition, anyone? :D LOL serious mode <3

there! <3 haha craaazy. ;p

New Music & Spontaneity

the sudden urge to "change it up" has crept into my blogging traditions, and i am left confused...

should i stay or should i go?

methinks this needs a plethora of everything to be decided on. no spur-of-the-moment answers, i hope. and i will come to the conclusion if and when i do.

oh, happy dagger! :o

right now i'm sad because we'll be leaving the family i have grown to love and be with... and so soon! :o but with the thought that we will forever be in each other's hearts, i am slightly comforted. after all, the missing part of the situation will be the hardest to live with. it doesn't matter what happened before, what matters is now. and i think i speak in behalf of everyone when i say that our life as singers has indeed begun anew.

so i pack my bags with a heavy heart and pray that all will be okay, miss all the USTS alumni for the rest of my days, and make it happen. for what it's worth, i know for sure that they will miss us too. and that makes the missing aspect even better. ;)

dazed and confused

for a while there, i thought i was sucked into the twilight zone...

and then i opened my eyes.

of course, a computer screen with a single, almost monochroamtic window and multifarious boxes met my ever-so-fluttering eyes.

oops, i'm at work. :D

(but i'm home now, was just channeling the wonders of relay and beyond.Ü)

SOOOO.

those fated meetings were bound to conclude, and my seemingly hopeless journey towards unearthing the fossils of way back when magically and almost instantly presented themselves right in my face. so much for waiting for time to cease all foggy madness, i am now facing hard-core facts.

but, of course, since we all know that life brings us a plethora of surprises "every each time," let me go for the gold by saying i have learned a GARGANTUAN amount in those last few hours i spent as slave to life's effort to teach us the ropes with matters of momentary unfair-ness.

as much as i would like to elaborate, i can only say that i pray for the best for all the friends i know will enter the realm of judgment one of these days. all my love to you all. as for those hanging on to dear life, however, you guys know i am too. Ü

in whatever way, shape, or form people may see how life makes an effort to make us learn what we need to epitomize in our beings, i just want to let you all know i'll be here for the long haul. i don't know what else may happen in the next few days, but whatever it is, allow me to smile and finally put my panic button to rest. 2 days straight of panicky haven is REALLY not a good idea. :)

ANYWAY.

for whatever purpose i may be responding to, i know i want this right now. so, let us channel warrior princesses and be soldiers in our separate ordeals. i know i've contributed by heeding to wisdom's call and finally opening up ("no holds barred," haha!!!) and i know my piece was well-stated and finely-tuned. however, the most recent chain of events got me thinking. argh.

what to do, what to do.

i am just a puzzle of irregular sorts right now. i have just woven unceasing blabber and have turned it into a slave of eternity. for whatever it's worth, things are going to get better. let's make sure it does. Ü

luxurious sleep should be attained as well, to promote a healthier lifestyle and a paced heart. so, i shall retire. :)

off to the mattresses i go! ;p

Feeling A Tad Random... ;)

Rules:Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things about you.

* as far as i'm concerned, i have been living a double life for the past year. and i love it ;)

* i love SHOES, bags, and clothes. and everytime i go anywhere, i restrain myself AS MUCH AS I
CAN to not splurge... (most of the time, to no avail. haha!)

* i constantly want to reinvent myself. i think change is good. :)

* i can say that a good handful know me REALLY well, and most people who say they know me know so much less than they actually think they do.

* i love to write. and speak. and express myself in thoughts and words. i literally can go on all day. :)

* people always think i'm unappoachable and snobbish when they first see me, but (i hope!) they change their minds after a few times spent with me.

* i don't mind being with different crowds everytime. i don't limit myself to being extra-exclusive with one group. :)

* i believe in making a difference. i know you can't do it all on your own, but it will certainly help if you do something.

* i am a dreamer. i want to do so much in life, and i feel one lifetime isn't enough for all the wonderful things there is to do in this earth.

* i have a panic button ready to be pressed every single time. i do a good job concealing my urge to use it, though. :)

* what i am now has been the product of a series of unfortunate events. and i can't wait for more bittersweet moments to come. :)

* i am of extreme personalities. i can be the most bubbly person now and the most cross later.

* some people think i have a problem if and when i keep quiet. i don't think silence is a bad thing,
though.

* i care. even when some people think i don't.

* i can say that the 2 people who have ever really hurt me have become my good friends now.

* i don't give up easily. but i learned that waiting is an even better choice sometimes. it makes you grow in ways you never think you would.

* i am always a plethora of emotions.

* little things make me happy. and when these accummulate, they become gynormous... and that makes it the most special. :)

* i ultimately adore GERBER DAISIES. and roses and tulips, too, but Lord bless those exquisite GERBERAS. :)

* yes, i have loved and lost. and since i don't give up easily, i'm still hoping for the best. :)

* i'm a sucker for massages. a good massage gives me unexplainable happiness. :)

* i believe in the need for cheese in life every so often. it's those cheesy bits of life that make everything else go 'round smoothly. :)

* i know i'm not the most fortunate of all people, but i know how to live with it and i'm okay. ;)

* i often get judged for who i'm not. and someday, i will learn to not even care.

* i love my family and friends even if they prove to be usually the source of my problems. i don't exactly know how to quantify how and why i love them all, i
just know i do. :)