oh well :)

the past weekend gave me a whooooole lot to digest. yes, it's the celebration of the summer i missed and will probably be missing a lot more as the years go by. it's also a wake up call, time is asking me to just shut up and let it go. ;)

i shall not dwell on sadness or anything else that will make me counterproductive. instead, i shall think of the bright side and bask in the emptiness of--well--feeling empty relieved for a minute.

it honestly took a bit of a while to swallow the truth i just saw [that's what i get for going ninja on that person]. hahaha. :) lesson learned--i shall not investigate anymore. especially when it involves matters of the heart. ;) 

and it kind of doesn't help if your mom thinks you go out and have dates when really, you study your behind off. i swear, it's not even funny.

i will get my happiness, soon. just you wait. ;)

5 years

well, hello there, food pyramid. you look scary. (0_o)

like a duck

contrary to popular belief, it's been ubercrazy for me these past few weeks.

it's been a TOTAL rollercoaster ride since i decided to turn my life around. day by day, as i realize the completion of every single task i decide to accomplish, my insides churn and i step onto the stage to face the music.

but, times have proved that it is never just THAT. everything is fleeting, and so is what will happen shortly after one thing is done.

and so, in the brink of yet another life-altering transition, i find myself scurrying away from everything normal. my feet paddle frantically under the impossibly murky water i dove into. and i won't be stopping anytime soon.


i make it a point to hide my panic button moments beneath my smiles and deal with the present. problem is, though it may seem as if i'm good and all that shizzle, my mind goes into overdrive and i am left with advancing thoughts of life and things about it. so bad that when i try to fence it in, the more it seeps out of my entirety.


and now, above all things, i believe i have created my frustrations.

but still, life is good to me [nerves much?!]. though i get disheartening times, it gives me back random rays of light, telling me that it isn't so bad after all. now, what i just have to do is bank on those rays to make things feel right.

right. that's it. :)

so, i'll hibernate to be up for the long haul, and i'll see you on the flipside. like i said, "Patience. There is a plan. :)"

looking back. again.

"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them."

-Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

-= <3 =-

it always takes the last few days to get me to really believe something's gonna happen before it actually does. is it the preoccupation or the willful forgetfulness i allow myself to undergo to lessen those shocks of pain i expect to encounter?

sadly, i bend towards the latter more. i have known myself to selectively attend to what needs to be done, depending on its urgency... and though i love the results of the choices i make, i subject myself to unnecessary daydreams of progressing sorrow.

alas, the truth has hit me in the face again. this time, twice as hard.

like i said, i'm generally accepting when it comes to these things. not only because i'm so used to it, but because i now know what to do. but having someone mirror what exactly runs in the portals of my mind just makes me plunge into an even deeper form of induced shock that has to be vented out in whatever way, shape or form.

don't get me wrong, i completely love the understanding that underlie the revelation. however, i will still need a moment to breathe.

i'm fortunate enough to get the time to take it all in, but life doesn't bend that way all the time. to think that i live in spontaneity and whatnot, now it's all about planning and making it work.

here we go again with growing up. i've heard the stories, the lectures, the everything. i've also accepted the fact that responsibility hits you hard when you least expect it to. but again, i guess you'll never know everything about it, though it's exactly what you do everyday.

so i am now left to endure the perils of previously selected factoids. big deal. i'm just saying that however grand these pains may be, of course i have no reason to despise whatever happens next. so, with a heavy heart, i accept everything and allow myself to grow up some more.

what i pray for, though, is for actual chance to grow up as well. *sigh*

lost for words

I would conventionally pounce on the idea that I will be lashing out on randomness and vexation, but earlier tonight, everything seemed a little different. As much as I would've loved to contemplate on negativism and doltish ideals, I acknowledged the fact that life must go on and I must become more of a human being [meaning, I should let go of all the "inarte" and deal with everything].

And then the magic happened.

Because I am a total genius, I courageously ordered a triple shot of espresso with my not-so-customized, mocha-based, cream-infested drink. I mean, they initially forgot to add the caramelly demon to my aching cup, but then, because I banked on OC-ness and verification, I finally got what I wanted.

I think.

The amazing thing is that, the moment people around me go episodal, I revert back to my fighting stance and try to save the day. Problem is, these past few times my coffee has been triple-dosed with the "elixir of life," [it revives you like crazy, DUH.] I commence the episodal tidalwave and then eat my words when my confederates fall prey to my mood.

Wuuuu-saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh.

In celebration of the year of the Tiger [can you say "birth year"??? HELLO.], I will cease unleashing sarcasm and try to be all angelic and stuff.

And then I suddenly change my mind.

So, to cut the story short, OR, to go back to my original train of thought, I turn into a sap and provide counsel on life's complexities to the bewildered.

Of course, I am not a total rock when it comes to matters of cardiac processes. So, of course, a tear that shouldn't be lying on the cheeks [or sleeve, for that matter] of someone I care about makes me CALMLY reach for that effing panic buttton.

So, as I gab and blabber on the workings of the mind, I hope and I pray that a miracle dawns upon our lowly minds, and we realize that nothing we have is perfect.

It breaks my heart to see people break, and it melts my insides when smiles melt from the faces of the people I deem important.

But that's not the point. The point is that that freak of a situation pulls them down, dragging you as well into an inescapable blob of confusion and pain. And then you realize that you are just as confused as they are, and you start rethinking everything you've been saying. But you don't.

What you do is kill the drama, clear your head, and believe that some semblance of a reality is still stuck there, unraveling truth to the idea that there is a bright side to your life's disappointments. So, you hang on to a hope that everything will fall into place, while secretly wishing that you didn't make a mistake in anything you just said.

Because you admit that you don't know squat about what they just heard you say, and complain that your insides have been affected by deep-seated caffeine.

But it seems as if everyone still believes you. Which is utterly crazy.

But, at the back of your mind, when everyone has gone, you mindlessly ramble on about everything that went through your head in those precious hours and get frustrated with the fact that everything cannot be put into words.

And then you look out the window, and see the sun coming out. And you realize you just spent the entire night awake.

And then finally, you plead to the heavens that no one has discovered your secret. Which is far from happening, after what you just did.