my thoughts, exactly.

déjà vu

it's making me a little uneasy that things are seemingly going back to the way they were. it's not that i want things to end, but i'm seriously scared that things will turn out to be as ugly as it once was a few breaths ago.

yes. i'm scared.

i mean, i'm all for reunions and the happiness it brings. but i don't think i want that happening anytime soon just yet. i want YOU to think about it. because i want you to know exactly what you're getting into once you decide to do this again.

then again, like i said, you will still end up deciding for yourself. and you know i'll still be the supportive friend who has your back. but promise me this, whatever happens, please take extra care. your monumental episodes were not pretty, and i don't want you in any way, shape, or form anywhere near that again. EVER.

i'm just praying hard that things will get better, soon.

one leaf down

it took FOUR SECONDS for me to randomly act on my--erm--hormones and send a matter-of-fact message to someone after all my faith in that person had gone out the window. therefore, i think, that made my initial resolution for the year ring true: that i should let go of all the hurt in my heart and learn to forgive.

*sigh*

i believe these *sigh* moments are triggered by my ongoing crazy hormones, and i am still left bewildered. when will this stop??? i'm having the ride of my month in a not-so-comfortable debilitating series of events, and i am aching for change to commence. may i be normal now, please? *batts lashes*

and then i see a particularly familiar name stuck onto the glass divider that mediates me and ray [or a part of it, at least].

and then i smile. heehee. ;)

so, yes. right now, i need saving. from all the actual annoying physiological pain i'm experiencing.

the past

i must admit, in the most non-bitchy of all the bitchiness that i am, i miss you.

since facebook has been revamping most of its interface, i get to see something new everyday. the new layout, perhaps, or the new links and such that randomly pop up.

which brings me to my newest discovery: that sidebar of memories. :) it annoyed me, at first, to see something seemingly nonsensical flash before my eyes AGAIN, but as i saw some statuses of mine with actual substance posted there, i caved and went on clicking almost everything heartstrings-tugging that i saw.

and yes, i miss my old life, too. my old, even-more-flawed self, my escapades, my feelings, my crazy friends. and it actually hurts to think that some of them have been lost. somewhere, i don't know.

i wish everything would reach its conclusion, so that most things can go back to normal. yes, that's right, i WISH.

*sigh*

so, cheers to new beginnings, and i shall continue to pray for miracles to unfold. :)

back to the grind

it's been so long since i last attempted to do anything here. work happened, yes. and so did life. :)

 apart from work happening, life kept on hitting me in the arse. this, of course, made everything even more impossible and sanity-threatening. LOL. but it's fine. like i said, suddenly, i see a light at the end of the tunnel. my two-deadline week turned out to be a single-deadline week, giving me a little space to breathe.

as i was traversing the streets of my alma mater before heading home the day before yesterday, i ran into ate luch and was effing giddy-happy from all the excitement of finally seeing each other after one fateful chill night. i loved that the insight on moving forward had been inculcated into her system, but talking about technicalities still seem to wear me out. for some strange, demented reason, it still pained me to see them on the road less taken.

well, whaddya know? i still have a heart. and a big heart at that.

i knew that a step forward would be for the best, but i wanted the steps forward to be thought about and carefully planned. so, i guess, what freaked me out the most was that the feelings harbored while stepping up were not of total happiness. why? because i have found it in my heart to forgive. it wasn't easy, of course, but i tried and have let the pain go. i just don't want them to go through the pain anymore.

*sigh*

on a lighter note, in spite of my girl pains, i HAVE found a light at the end of a tunnel. to make matters worse, aaaaah i won't allow it to get worse. LOL.

que me hizo sonreír, después de todo. :) heehee :)

badass happy dancing

i never realized how things can take an instant turnaround when the going gets fun. :)

last night was a sudden gush of happiness to hearts in despair, presenting a beacon of light to those who have experienced the worst. and, just like magic, everybody made happy dancing sooooo badass the floor was burned everytime we hit it with our grooves. :)

thank you, merry christmas, happy new year, and everything else. cheers to a great eleven-oh! :)

scratch that

I SPOKE TOO SOON.

i am royally pissed at one being. add to that the fact that everything has not been going swell for the past few hours. i am fuming mad.

go enjoy your "real" friends. good riddance.

amber is the color of my energy

i'm sooooooo excited! :)

i'm finally going to be able to see my barx again. after 10 million years, we shall reunite! :) awww. i miss you all. at least we will be able to spend some part of christmas together. PLUS, we'll do it in 2 days! :D though we may not be exactly complete during those days, at least there's progress. and at least we're together. aww. i missed them freakazoids. :)


back in 2004, post- grad practice! :)

 i'll see you later, crazies! :)

rekindling kid love :)

i remember vividly how i pestered my mom to get me pink-lined lisa simpson sneakers when i was younger. i tried looking it up online, to no avail. this is the best shoe i saw of the crazy family i love to bits. :)

my lisa simpson pair was much simpler, though. it was plain white with random pink details and pink soles. plus, on the outer side of each shoe, she was playing her saxophone and making bad-ass music [at least i believe so]. :D

i remember wanting to use that pair until it was SOOO worn-out and all dirty and gross. well, not really. just when it almost reached that point. heehee. but it's ubercool nonetheless. :D

soooo. lisa simpson was one of my chilhood heroines. she was cool then, and she still IS now. :)

i just realized that i've been really showing how much i love these guys, even when i'm at work. why? because even my batchmates see me browse through pages upon pages of their material, and i stuff my hard drive with things related to them. but this guy ruined my prowess:

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

and i will forever despise his Quik-E-Mart-dwelling ass because of that. HAHAHA :))

i would've guessed it if it had been one of the aunts, considering a gesture depicting big hair was made. it would've been gravy picking between selma and patty. LOL. in whichever case, though, i would go for selma as a charade answer. heehee. :))
    

                                       

                      Patty Bouvier                                                                            Selma Bouvier



see the bigger hair? that big-hair-act seemed SOOO selma. haha. oh well. what's done is done. let's get over it already. heehee. :))

anyhoo, i love how kids can be kids. hence, exhibits A and B:

        

ooh, how i love being a kid. ;)

testing every ounce of my patience

people seem to think it's april. everybody wants to test all i have.

just when i've gotten over my nimbus day, another dark cloud comes. SHEEEEEESH. do i look like a joke? it's beginning to offend me already.

so i guess it'll be a quiet day today. Merry Christmas to me.

my post-christmas grown-up self

yes, i know it's a little bit too late for this. but hey, the holiday just ended and everything's going well [for me, that is].

be grateful that you don't have everything you want. that means, you have the opportunity to be happier tomorrow than you are today. :)

2:58 am

that effing phone wouldn't stop ringing at 2:58 am. and when i finally got up to answer it, IT STOPPED.

somebody gag me now please.

and i've been up since. enough to [1] finally get sooooo bored with tapfish, tapzoo, coin frenzy and all the other games on my mom's iPad; [2] toss and turn in bed, while turning the fan off and then on and then off and then on again because it would be chilly and then i'd feel warm and then it gets chilly again and then i feel warm again *sheesh!!!,* and; [3] enough to find out that my parents aren't home yet.

wow. nightouts. :) heehee. though it's my brother's thing they were supervising, i would think they'd just go home and have the crew take over. but no. oh well. at least now they're home, sound asleep and getting the rest they very much deserve.

i had a rollercoaster day today. i was initially ecstatic because i had finally attended at least one simbang gabi for this year--though anticipated--and the added bonus of a fruteez hour and a half instantly made my evening. :) i didn't care it was raining--nothing could ruin my day. and then i knew i thought wrong. a slight twist of fate dampened my elated spirits and kicked my happy place's sorry ass.

of course, the discontinued sojourn cleared my nimbus mood, primarily because i was allowed to breathe and let the bad vibes go. but, of course, what helped the most was the extensive walking and my kiddie treat for myself-- mcdonald's chicken and spaghetti :)

i seriously forgot about that when i was too concerned about growing up. and now that i randomly return to it, i re-appreciate the simple joys i had as a kid. which is exactly what i did last night. :)

and it's half past 6 now. i need to recharge before later's shift--and fast.

bad vibes, begone! :)

when everything gets crappy

we are prohibited to speak...

... and we laugh our brains out.

copycatism gone professional

start-start, op-mac.

yes. you may have read it, but i'm sure you don't get it. i am a professional copycat.

struc-struc.

though it may creep you out to think so, sadly, it's exactly what i do. and i don't do it just because i want to, i do it because it's what my present commitment calls for. and just to make things saucier, there're a couple of things you have to edit when you start parroting minutes upon minutes of hullabaloo and seemingly nonsensical banter.

peerko, par-par.

lead-mac. [here we go.]

as depressing as everything gets [comma] it's apparently normal to fail like we've been doing so far [peerko] but the actual experience of failing is excruciating [comma] and ego [hyphen] shattering moments are really rampant though we despise the genuine feeling of it [peerko]

[par-par]

to cut to the chase [comma] what we really need to learn is the eternal [comma] bright [hyphen] and [hyphen] shiny place we call detachment [peerko] suffice to say that i [comma] compared to most people [comma] find that difficult to achieve [peerko]

[par-par]

in the greater scheme of things [comma] i would think of detachment as gravy [peerko] this time [comma] however [comma] i just feel new beginnings should be spent with a sense of achievement and further regard for personal growth [peerko] and [comma] as an authentic advocate of personal growth myself [comma] i would think a good start is the way to go [peerko]

[par-par]

as with a number of instances [comma] i thought wrong [peerko] ostensibly unaffected by a string of unfortunate events [comma] i make sure i do things right the next time [peerko] but everything else will not cooperate [comma] and that makes me crash momentarily [peerko] i hate to see everyone around me completely adjust to the annoying mood swing i suddenly don [comma] but it takes some getting used to and i can't stay icy [hyphen] cool forever [peerko]

[par-par]

we all have our moments [comma] you know [peerko]

[par-par]

so here's to the entire voicewriting batch's survival [comma] everyone [comma] keep their sanities screwed in [peerko] i guess i just have to let go of the desire to always be in top shape because [comma] sometimes [comma] failing is not NOT an option [peerko]

[par-par]

on that note [comma] let me end this reverie by quoting a reality i have recently discovered from the lives of them Brits [colon]

because somehow [comma] no matter how much we try to prevent it [comma] we will get to the breaking points of our good days [peerko] and when you think about it [comma] it's not about what happened [peerko] in the long run [comma] it boils down to how you deal with it [peerko]

[par-par]

so yes [comma] Keep Calm and Carry On [peerko] :D

[par-par] [op-mac]

thank you [peerko] ladies and gentlemen [comma] this concludes today's conference [peerko] you may disconnect your lines at this time [peerko] thank you for your participation [peerko]

new blood

life's been seriously telling me that the change i finally thrust myself into is good. and it's something i completely see myself doing-- maybe not everyday, but it's something i choose to do --for a long period of time, at least.

the inadequacy of it all poses a bigger challenge to most people, especially to me. just because it's not going to be fun if you actually suck at it. ;p

we've had quite a number of notable moments in the fast-tracked world we're desperately trying to survive in. in most cases, we amuse ourselves and play the eternal games training will allow you to do-- taboo, charades and/or pictionary. and, of course, in the midst of all that "hard work," we make sure we spend time loosening up our brain waves. hence, exhibit A:

Francis tries out ACTUALLY using the microphone.

of course, Exhibit A fails. and so in the greater scheme of things, we just pretend he's using the microphone and bask in the megaphone-ness of his voice. HAHAHA.

and then, because we refuse to just watch, OF COURSE, we do Exhibit B:

The girls minus Shen

and the rest, as they say, is history. :)

new blood 2.0

to make things more interesting, there are those events in life you just can't live without, like birthdays. :) primarily because... had you not been born, you wouldn't need one of these. heehee :)

so, to make our ailing [girl pains, helloooo.] trainer's day bright and shiny--and teary. LOL--we loving folks schemed away and came up with these babies:

since we had only a few hours to get things done, naturally, we got resourceful and used office paraphernalia essentials to make things--erm--present-worthy. :)

colored newsprint c/o manong guard and ate from the pantry, brown card-ish thing from 7eleven [which was actually the back of one long brown envelope], magic tape and colored pens from rhea herself [HAHA]. 

• "card" cover design and message courtesy of yours truly
• caricatures [will post photo later] by francis
• flowers made by erwin
• box and movable bird origami-fied by ray
• box assembly and final touches by joth

kudos to the team for a job well done! :D

and then everybody got transformed into bite-size creations and looked like this:

it's kind of alarming, though, that my face is as wide as my hips here. boooo. HAHAHA. :)) but still. that's reason enough to go on and keep moving so it doesn't actually happen. LOL.

that's VW Batch 12 for you :)

like a duck

contrary to popular belief, it's been ubercrazy for me these past few weeks.

it's been a TOTAL rollercoaster ride since i decided to turn my life around. day by day, as i realize the completion of every single task i decide to accomplish, my insides churn and i step onto the stage to face the music.

but, times have proved that it is never just THAT. everything is fleeting, and so is what will happen shortly after one thing is done.

and so, in the brink of yet another life-altering transition, i find myself scurrying away from everything normal. my feet paddle frantically under the impossibly murky water i dove into. and i won't be stopping anytime soon.


i make it a point to hide my panic button moments beneath my smiles and deal with the present. problem is, though it may seem as if i'm good and all that shizzle, my mind goes into overdrive and i am left with advancing thoughts of life and things about it. so bad that when i try to fence it in, the more it seeps out of my entirety.


and now, above all things, i believe i have created my frustrations.

but still, life is good to me [nerves much?!]. though i get disheartening times, it gives me back random rays of light, telling me that it isn't so bad after all. now, what i just have to do is bank on those rays to make things feel right.

right. that's it. :)

so, i'll hibernate to be up for the long haul, and i'll see you on the flipside. like i said, "Patience. There is a plan. :)"

unsurmountable pressure

this past week has proven that no matter how much you've been putting up with, you'll still be given more to digest... on an hourly basis. to make it more eventful even more unforgiving, i've seemingly been stuck in varying situations where i had to make painful choices.

consultations here, vocal drills there, sanity everywhere.

but at the end of the day, i still find myself at peace, satisfied with what i've accomplished so far. it may not be much, but, hey, there's progress. and that's what counts. ;)

i had a minute-long depressive melancholic state last night, having arrived at an empty house after having left with the exact same scenario. my best friends turned out to be the iPad and the massage chair, comforting me for a good 30 minutes until it was time for me to move on.

good thing i had some things to attend to. that, along with things in my head, distracted me from the continuous buzz mounting pressure was bothering me with. so it was another task checked and another shudder regulated. so far, so good.

and then came the excruciating truth--i still had friends on the brink of falling out and realizing actual life. i shared a fairly balanced parody to my burned-out colleagues, and made notes on major restructuring that needs to be done. *sigh* it came as unbelievable as anything could be, but, as i say, i've lifted everything up already to Him. :)

for anything else, i pray so hard that things will take a turn for the better and that life will bully me less. then again, every development is a big step already for me.

changing seasons

it's very easy to make me trust people. acquaintances can turn into genuine friends in a matter of days, even hours. i share my world to everyone, whoever wants to be, in a way or another, part of it, in the hopes of getting back equal parts of the same authenticity i've shown.

i almost always give the benefit of the doubt, whenever possible, because i believe people are, in truth, actually good. i forget the meanness and shortcomings and understand as much as i can.

when you cross anyone i love, though, things will be different. i can doubt as easy as i have given all my trust. i can shut you out from the world i willingly let you become a part of. i can do a lot of other things. you may not care, fine, but you don't get to be the same friend you once were to me.

though it may be sad for me to possibly lose another being i once felt could be a part of my world until age wears me down, i would gladly take that step to ensure my actual friends get what they deserve. and nobody gets to decide what's good for them without taking their feelings into consideration.

at the end of the day, i hope you just make the people i love happy. turn that into your happiness so growth can be achieved together. as long as i see my friends truly happy, i know i'll be okay.

*sigh*

hodgepodge

just because i had to celebrate, it was a very special coincidence on that fateful November 3rd that noc was on sem break and that i was basically in the same area. after everything harassing that's been bludgeoning me with those days, it was a definite praise-the-Lord moment and i knew i still had friends i could count on when i needed them. i don't have to do all the fixing, after all. *sniff*

after another harassing 60-effing-peso-ice cream moment, noc arrived and we were on our way. being the indecisive spontaneous roadtrippers that we truly are, it took us a whole lot of gas burnt and too funny stories before we settled on Qualing's in some place i've never been [noc's the real ortigas girl, after all].

because it suddenly rained, we had no choice but to seek refuge in that quaint little restaurant until the skies cleared. no worries, though, because we had all the time to bond/chill/drink and whatnot before we further went on our way.

because it was so random, our stories were punctuated with thoughts on what we would do to ACTUALLY kill time. and because eating [again! ugh.] is not an option, movietime was the obvious decision. but after then came the painful question: galleria, mega, shang or podium? :o

because galleria was scrapped [we'd rather not relive paulinian-ness right now, thank you.] and shang was frowned upon ['twas one of noc's daily haunts. lol.], we went to podium to park and checked out the theaters... to no avail. sadly, the movies weren't worth watching, and i'd already watched the only thing worth watching that was showing in that mall--the social network. so we walked to mega to get inspired, in the hopes of actually being able to watch. but NO.

ooey gooey spicy goodness :D

and because mega's cinemas had fail written all over it as well, we dropped the search and booksale-d our hearts out. :D bonding over books not such a bad idea :) and, of course, we just had to enter EGG and see how much it's changed since high school. :D HAHA change it sure did. ;) we left and we didn't get too far along the mallside before noc salivated for Jamaican Patties. of course, i also had to get one for myself. heehee ;)

and as if my pinatubo pattie wasn't hot enough [because, REALLY, it was not spicy. AT ALL.], i took one squeeze bottle of hot sauce and piled the sauce high on every bite of my pattie. :) *and i just found out yesterday evening that the sauce is named SUNSHINE, and is actually found in virtually any grocery anywhere. cost? 41 effing pesos. :) so i shall be hoarding soon ;)*

...and i finished the bottle's very little contents. heehee *blush*

Last-minute chill at Central Pioneer

post-snack, we walked back to podium to get the car and almost headed home when we decided to check out the secluded chill place i had told her about--Central. i knew we wouldn't be able to leave without having tried anything from there, so we brought our purses--just in case. and we stayed for the rest of the night before i headed back home.

and just because i had to celebrate, i was glad i found my happy time that day. no episodal bouts or whatever, just good, clean fun with a good friend from marian camp-in days and heart attack card games. i sooo miss my high school barx. :(

i wouldn't forget as well that we had faith in mind all day, because we were celebrating her birthday as well on behalf of the barx. it's been years, hun, i hope we see you again soon. i await the day when the barx will be complete again. :)

thanks for the celebration-slash-chill, noc! :)

301206, Barx Tagaytay Roadtrip

Barx Birthday Surprise for moi! :D [Feb 2007]

*proud* :)

NGAYONG PASKO, MAGNININGNING ANG PILIPINO: THE 2010 ABS-CBN CHRISTMAS STATION ID

The Kapamilya Christmas station ID for 2010 features the UST Singers! :D

I miss you all, I'm sooo proud of everyone! *snaps!!!*