Nandito Pa Rin Tayo :)

A random song that tugged at my heartstrings... Thanks, Jemmy and Kuya Jie for introducing me to this song :) lovettt :)

This is just one of the songs that remind me of the good things in life. That no matter how hopeless or how pathetic life treats us, there's still something to smile about, some semblance of perfection that will imperfectly be perfect to no one else but you.

To the friends i have, new and old, you are, in large part, an essential factor in my existence. :) Cheesy, yes, but true. Always believe that in the course of our lives, when i am needed, i will be there. No matter how inconvenient or whatever, in some way, you will find me there. hugs to you all!!!

-= <3 =-

Naaalala mo ba noon nung bata pa tayo

Naaalala mo pa noon nung bago pa ang mundo

Kahit ano man ang iharap sa atin

Kahit ano ay kakayanin

Andami dami kailangan pang gawin

Sabay tayong nangarap at sabay din natuto

Sabay din natin nakita na nagbago ang mundo

Kahit magbagong lahat sa ating mundo

Okay lang yon magkasama tayo

Maaasahan mo ang pangakong ito…

Masaya malungkot

Nabigo naabot

Nandito parin tayo

Nawala nakita

Lumakas humina

Nandito parin tayo

Di ka mag-iisa may kasama ka sa biyahe ng buhay mo

Umulan umaraw

Nandito pa rin tayo…

Ang dami ng nangyari sa atin

Nandito pa rin tayo

Sa hirap at ginhawa tuloy ang ikot ng mundo

Kahit ngaun alam ko makakaya natin

Kahit anung iharap sa atin

Andami dami pwede pang gawin…

to vent is a beautiful opportunity. to keep silent is self-induced death. ;)

before rambling mindlessly about life's perils, i'd like to say thanks to those who replied to my momentous venting 2 nights ago.

i mean, it was generally not a requirement to acknowledge the hair-pulling sensation creeping into my bloodstream, but the acknowledgements were touching nonetheless. :)

[see, jemmy, this is a happy note. ;) ]

and to those who were not able to reply, no worries. i still love you all :) i'm in a loving mood today, although most of the people i've been talking to for the past few hours drive me to insanity by the second. and because i promised this would be a happy note, i'm sharing the love. :)

... BUT, of course, making this a happy note doesn't imply i can't be mean too. ;p [cue evil laughter :)) ]

-= <3 =-

since this is waaay overdue, i'd just like to dwell on other people's misfortune first and reiterate why that somehow made my day. this is not at all intended to be as mean as it sounds, but there's definitely a more logical explanation to me feeling better over what made this person agitated.

while feeling utterly disheveled because of the stress that hit me in the face, i trudged along the hallway in stark disarray and mindlessly grabbed my oversized bag from the miniscule gap that pretended to be my locker. as i was painfully fumbling with my padlock combination, some random heavily-breathing girl rushed to the locker across mine and started ranting about how her scarf got lost on her way to work.

in my lamest attempt to come up with a candid response, i looked up and realized she was indeed directing her soliloquy at me. flashing a haphazard smile, i just said, "hmm?"

she seemed to ramble on about how her sister gave her that scarf she just washed THAT was silky AND was beautiful AND was now lost in space BECAUSE it slipped from her bag AS she left the cab she rode on her way to work yesterday BECAUSE she was rushing BUT she says she's really mindful of her things BUT it was unfortunate that it happened AND her sister will kill her when she finds out that she lost it SO she'll rationally explain that it was an accident AND she wishes the scarf was picked up by some person who really needed it WHICH would make her at least feel better about the misfortune, without even thinking that i am uninterested to hear it.

summoning my will to understand randomness, i reacted sporadically and showed that i care. as it turns out, seeing how irritated this rather cheeky lady was about losing something she treasured so much, i felt i didn't need to feel so bad after all. there are better things in life to worry about, and i'm not going to let the stress eat me alive.

and now, with a badly needed series of deep breaths, i marvel at the lucid parameters that life presents me. and i flash a much-needed megawatt smile at the realization that i am not the most unfortunate person in the world. :)

so, to get back to the ultimate reason for this note, venting actually did me good. :D

For the Lack of A Better Outlet: A TRIPLE THREAT

--- 22 september 2009, approximately 11:00 pm ---

because of the elating moments that transpired just a few hours ago, i cannot help thinking back on the olden days when life was less complicated.

you went to school, played with your friends, and went back home. homework before spending countless hours in front of the tv, going to bed at 8 [although sometimes negotiable], but sneaking out in the middle of the night to watch reruns of your favorite show on the ichannel. hating to get out of bed at 5 or 6 am to get ready for yet another day of school. the same teachers, classmates, and everything, day in, day out. waiting for dear old dad to come pick you up. lazily walk around the house before doing anything productive.

awww. that WAS the life.

then again, i get smidgens of that right now-- the same thing day in, day out, with an injection of spontaneity once in a while. living in my own time, and not missing a step. when you think about it, you would say i've retained a little more old school ways than i actually need. but still, things HAVE changed. and no matter how much i rationalize, they will continue changing and will never make me stop wondering.

yes, i will prove that i am a sap because i quote Filipino movies. but i don't care. it fits into the moment like it was made for it:

"i want to stop wondering 'what IF'. i want to know 'what IS.'"

or something to that effect.

but still, i don't know what's keeping me from actually taking the step to bringing my dreams to reality. like i said, confusion's a bitch. elation makes one knowledgeable of the best things that could happen. although momentary, they show you a world that is achievable and liveable [if there is such a word] only in the depths of your desires. then again, desires do not stay alive forever. they fade, lose their spark, and seemingly extinguish their flames through the winds of time. and no matter how much you try to rekindle that flame, time has done its part in making you realize that the dream is now just a dream, that the reality you once knew is a reality no more.

--- 24 september 2009 9:34 pm---

in a matter of days, my views on life and the present have seemingly vaporized.

no worries, though, i'm fine and still encased in indecision.

however, elation feels so much better when experienced firsthand, having manipulated a random chain of events... but guess what? THAT JUST HAPPENED. :)

SOOO, all i can say is a "kaboom" to those untrue and hurrah to the victorious smirk i now have glued on on my face. love me, hate me, or whatever tickles your fancy, GO AHEAD.

because the only question i will ask you is:

HAS IT EVER OCCURRED TO YOU THAT I DON'T CARE? :D [with lash-batting action]

so now, i rest my case. :)

--- 25 september 2009 05:26 am ---

again, in a matter of hours, more facets of life have unfolded before my eyes.

let me channel my present state to this note and unleash the drama oblivious to the illiterate.

it's amazingly funny on millions of levels that hormonal bouts are seemingly passed on to my male friends. i mean, my female allies have just surpassed them this week, but my mojo-loving friends have increasingly been acquiring "traits" women are most commonly known to have: HORMONES. it just knocks my socks off that my triad [a.k.a. connivance team] has inherited the traits i am well-known for, and they are crazily enjoying the ride. well, of course, i am constantly being blamed for discovering the "HormoBot," [in the desperate attempt to make a statement to the annoyance that is a selection of people around me at night] but of course, things are acknowledged and appreciated just the same.

you gotta love education, and i'm sure my connivance team, et al. loves it even more. haha

cheers to more eventful moments then, let this world be a world to find friends in [hi friends!]. ;p

yet another sleepless night

***because technology's a bitch, i will have to retype my entire rambling and begin editing my initial spontaneous flow. if only sleep beckoned, i will turn my laptop off with extremely annoyed muttering and a heavy heart.***

tonight [rather, last night] has been a flurry of emotions.

this time, i am not sleepless because of love, theses, work, or any other brain-numbing thing that i will have to get over and done with.

i am simply baffled about life.

as my extended thoughts on life and the undiscovered flash before my eyes, i commence my written reverie by saying years of my existence have been devoted to what i want. but now, i can't help asking myself if what i want is actually enough.

it pains me to think that i will soon have to say goodbye to my comfort zone and venture out into the unknown. but that's the way the cookie crumbles, life will have to move on. as a matter of fact, it HAS been moving on, leaving me and my comfort zone behind. so now i am left thinking of what else there is in store for me.

sure, i will have to get hurt and feel the pangs of losing a part of myself, but it's all part of the road to maturity. so, now, in the light of gearing towards [further] maturity, i KNOW in my heart of hearts that i will have to decide.

for once i come forth with the key to my future, there's no turning back. and yes, i know i will endure. if only the process wasn't so grueling. then again, as what i've been beating my head with, it doesn't matter, because you're trekking towards your goals. so don't mind the minor setbacks. if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger.

and always believe that at the end of the day, you don't kill yourself for the hurt you've allowed yourself to feel, you kill yourself for the decisions you've made.

right now, though, my brain is indifferent to the screams of my heart. it's as if my heart is in a dark tunnel, struggling to get out... but my brain is still thinking of the beautiful rainbow that decorates my sky. i badly want to get out of this tunnel, to break free of the darkness and indecision... i want to get to that rainbow myself.

as with any road towards goal attainment, i KNOW that i WILL stumble, fall, and accumulate bruises and scratches. but i don't care. for the battle scars of life will mold me into who i can and will be in the end. i will not channel idealism and say i will end up being the greatest, but i will believe that i will be great in my own right. i may be seen by others as half-baked or even extremely raw, but i don't care. whatever i may be going through will not stop me from getting to my destination.

so, now, i ask this question with deep-seated longing: when will my brain inherit my heart's courage?

this is the timeless question that sends pangs to my heart. for however strongly my heart feels about change, if my brain does not help my heart alleviate indecision, the further stretching of my sanity will have to do.

yes, the first step will always be the hardest... and i can't help asking myself when that tiny step will happen.

sun's out, and i am still enveloped in the darkness of my room. sure, tomorrow is a new day, but i will never be silenced by my screaming heart unless that small step is made.

so, now, i will have to engage in more mind-numbing activities and displace the real thoughts that have lined my heart and mind forever...

and let my heart continue to draw the blueprint of my future. :'c

make me whole

20 October 2009, 9:39 am at the mrt, random thought:

it just dawned upon me that i seriously need to relax. despite my strongest attempts to unleash organization into my life, the efforts deem futile in this pathetic semblance of a reality.

************************************************************************

21 October 2009, 4:52 am somewhere in between. prevailing thought:

it's utterly crazy how people unite over misfortune and pain. no matter how much we attempt to prevent it, we seemingly glue ourselves to a unit that alleviate the inner dysfunction you momentarily possess. as much as we retain composure and selflessly think, the deep-seating nature of humans emerge and we, of course, find ourselves bawling over the issues we have not addressed nor even thought about.

i am honestly compelled to be where i am right now, and i would rather be with friends close to my heart. though my presence absorbs the suffering and heartache they unleash, i feel i am right at home with consoling heavy hearts and nerve-wracked brains...

if only i can get to the main point of it all.

honestly, though, despite my useful attempts to be knowledgeable and thought-provoking, i am left dumbfounded at the recent turn of events that have slipped my attention. i have absolutely no idea what will happen to those i hold dear, but the fight is yet to start. sanities lost and heart-wrenching matters found constitute the change that is on its way, and i am teetering on the ice-cold rod of minimal hope.

i hope i can help make things matter, i hope i can get out of this rut. i am a complete and total mind mess right now, i think i need the shrink. this is exactly why i love selective attention, so i can keep my sanity in check and appear as the epitome of strength to others who lean on me.

this is generally too revealing, in an extremely weird sense. for what it's worth, though, this is all directed toward one clear goal: positive change.

so i have no choice but to be half-baked in whatever the next few days will bring. so much for my powers of positivity. here's to the real crunchtime.

taking it to the streets

there is ABSOLUTELY no significance nor reason behind that title. i just think it sounds good for the multitude of sorts i'm feeling right now. :)

and the randomness shall now commence. :)

** * **

20 october 2009 0729am

it's been a hell of a ride today [well, "yesterday"]. firstly, a BIG CONGRATULATIONS to Abeleds for finally making it to the alumni bunch. :) woohoo, welcome to the club! :)

now, for your training... ;p

next, i am again in the brink of polluting my brain with millions of memories that i do not want to encase myself in at the moment. the mere thought of everything to think about drives me nuts, and the random-slash-irate customer service style might get unleashed once again. i'd rather NOT have that now, of course, since i realized that purposefully modulating my voice makes me save it more. and we all know [well, NOT REALLY, but if you know how i speak, you'll get the idea of my exaggeration] i can get high-pitched when i get argumentative.

harharhar.

but with the a/c right behind me--erm--i don't think so.

** * **

so, on to the bashing.

it's just so irritating that for some strange, demented reason, a frightening blue-collar rampancy is on the loose. well, for patience's sake, i purse my lips and randomly interact with the heaven-colored plate in front of me, claiming contempt. and the funniest unseen interactions bordered my sanity as white-collared minds basked in sheer delight.

let the mindgames begin :)

** * **

it is a complete waste to while away the hours of my existence in a trance, and that's what i have seemingly been doing for the past eons of my life. oh no. so much for productivity. but soon, i hope, my fate will take a different course. :)

and truly, facebook makes me engage in neurobics in my almost hopeless pursuit for further activity. it's such a pity that my refuge lies in an intangible world, crying out to the reality that is.

soon, though, fate shall take a wider trend, and i will be freed from my thought bubbles. i have yet to prepare for what's next, and brace myself for the wrath that is to come.

for everything else, i shall wait with a megawatt smile albeit the scare of unknown carnage. haha. so much for sitting on top of the world. ;p

Random: Finding Source of Your Pain [Source of your pain not always obvious.]

for the millionth time, i have attempted to actually write something of substance and share it to the world. but, AS USUAL, i was either exhausted like crazy or asleep, too tired to even attempt a tactile interaction involving my fingertips and laptop.

so while i'm still awake and pretty much alive, i begin my oration. and because i am now a conglomeration of sorts, this will be as random as it can get.

i found "Finding Source of Your Pain [Source of Your Pain Not Always Obvious]" on a Yahoo! popup ad thing, and since then, i found myself scrolling through the varying headlines, searching for something thought-provoking. to no avail, though. i soon realized that great things come in increments, and that i had to digest this tiny factoid first before i discover another line that shall pierce my heart's walls.

so, let the mastication begin.

i've always thought that dwelling on the pain something--or someone--has caused you is completely absurd. and yet in my most unpremeditated of moments, i find myself employing what i believe i despise. in my most pathetic attempts of heightened self-preservation, i subject my brain to the fake belief that i actually don't care--when in fact, i do.

usually, it takes a gargantuan amount of proving importance to make me care about trivial matters--because i know what i want and i know what i need to pay attention to--but really, behind this wall of strength and nonchalance, i have a heart, too.

so, for every tear shed and every heart broken, i share a seemingly hapless smile and get back to the perils of what's real.

so where exactly can the pain's source be found? [i absolutely thank the Lord in this particular moment that i haven't entered the world of medicine yet, or i will further pollute my mind with actual facts and figures and veer away from the point that my heart is driving at.]

i say it can be found anywhere, and can unfortunately strike you at any time. Yes, it may be coming from the one thing you treasure the most, or from that one great love you allowed your heart to experience, but the bottom line is, you will always think it originated from something else. AND THEN you start believing what you choose to believe.

what makes it even more excruciating, though, is that no matter how you allow yourself to believe it came from something else, you will find yourself bawling in the end over the fact that you never saw it coming from that one thing you invested most of yourself on.

and YES, it will hurt, and you will die a million times inside and have your heart crushed to smithereens, but you will have to use the powers of self-preservation to rebuild the life you once had--minus the pain and drama.

and when you've turned over a new leaf and have faced tomorrow, you will smile and breathe a sigh of relief at the emotional roller coaster you just allowed yourself to ride. and you emerge stronger and happier, and more able to handle the pain.

"if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger," "life's a bitch and then you die," the list goes on. but i think what makes pain matter to us is how significantly it has played a role in your overall development and resilience. because the next time it happens, you'll be prepared. and it will be simply amazing that it doesn't shatter the portals of your heart this time--you will have learned to take it in and get it straightened out. and you will flash a megawatt smile to the world, signifying triumph and total bliss. :)

-= <3 =-

for the lack of a better outlet, i again pour my emotions onto this virtual world i call home. like what i've been accepting for years, blogging can actually be a pretty therapeutic form of lashing out without anyone having the right to judge you--because really, if you're that affected, start a blog and lash out yourself, HELEEEW.

;p

it's such a pain in the behind that my current lifestyle has allowed everything else to be a blur to me. i've been sick, exhausted, out of it, and disheveled from the million ketsanas i allow myself to face every millisecond of everyday. and no matter how much i say that it's for the love of the game, sometimes... it just isn't anymore.

i've missed myself. and i guess i owe it in large part to a certain individual who made me feel okay again with unleashing slanders at randomness. i at least know how to [statement!]. i COULD say the same to the unintelligible trash some people bring to the table, but clearly, that WOULD be a lie.

-= <3 =-

i am truly annoyed by sensationalizing freaks without a cause. it's not even important that you engage yourself in this life, and yet you still do. i can only empathize to a certain extent [towards you, at least], and everything else will be fatal, even to me. my being will not tolerate your pathetic excuse for a life and will self-destruct, and of course, when that happens, you will be the only one to blame.

i hate the fact that the crabness creeps to the most insignificant of beings. like i said, the ignorance is lamentable enough. and now you allow yourself to be exposed even more as illiterate and bask in the momentary glory that exposure to criticism brought you? i mean, duh. get a life.

you pollute my brain with thoughts of pitiful self-justification, and i sure as hell don't buy it. unfortunately, you have proved even more that you are actually a disgrace to mankind and everything else associated with you. so please, if you can even fathom a smidgen of my point, work on being invisible already. because really, to most people, YOU JUST ARE.

oh, how i love random talk. ;)

-= <3 =-

have i proven my point yet? i know i did a million times. some people just completely don't get the fact that this IS the truth. i've tried countless times to be understanding and civil, but the utter idiocy of it all is what gives me recurrent mental torture.

have YOU ever heard of social suicide? i guess not.

it's irritating that NO ONE has gotten a clue. and i think NO ONE will ever get a clue because NO ONE is a daft, salon-dwelling nincompoop.

-= <3 =-

just so i end my reverie on a happy note, i'm happy. i think.

see you soon, world. :)

Jai needs...

Here’s how it works: Google “[your first name] needs” and share the first 15 results. That's it: it is that simple. But be honest! Then tag some friends to pass this on...

*i was going for "Jaimie needs", but i realized i like using "Jai" more, and guess what? results are waaaay funnier. ;D to the people who know me well, have fun! :D*

1. Jai needs to play in an uptempo style.
[http://sports.espn.go.com/ncb/columns/story?columnist=katz_andy&id=2855252]

- haha how much more uptempo? ;) okay, let me get my hands on something nice and sugarey and i'll give you uptempo. LOL

2. Jai needs.. to play uptempo style, a new job, needs to focus, help to come home, & a big story line.
[http://twitter.com/mytyp/status/3114407721]

- awww. what a giveaway. boo to you on this one, twitter. :(

3. Jai needs to focus on beefing up the family's cash reserve.
[http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1365/is_5_33/ai_94672524/]

- HAHA! this simply means my ass has got to get out of the house and back to work SOON! haha do you hear me screaming "alipin"??? :D

4. Jai Needs A New Job
[http://www.latingossip.com/television/jai-needs-a-new-job.html]

- <3 this, LOL. need i say more? #3 has it written down PERFECTLY. ;)

5. JAI needs J2SE 1.3 to install..
[http://forums.sun.com/thread.jspa?threadID=5382469]

- okay, this i have no idea about. ;p *krookroo moment*

6. Jai needs help to come home
[http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,20633905-2862,00.html]

- of course i do. i need help to come "home" into your arms. <3 eww. cheeesy craaap. LOL

7. Jai needs a big story line.
[http://www.backtothebay.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=32811]

- haha i know. i need a grandiose ending to my long and complicated story ;)

8. JAI needs motif native libraries on Solaris with JDK 1.4.
[http://marc.info/?l=ant-user&m=106491061405440&w=2]

- again, stumped. NEEEXT.

9. JAI needs sometimes to know the name of the vendor who developed the application, and the implementation of it…
[http://thierry.wasylczenko.free.fr/?p=66]

- yes, i think i do. so i won't have to tinker with every single program i install and go ahead and use it according to what it was ACTUALLY bound to do. LOL

10. Jai needs a really good producer to show what (s)he is capable of doing.
[http://www.amazon.com/Mondo-Rama-Jai-Uttal/dp/B00005Y1JO]

- HAHA i knowww! :D broadway, here i come! <3 haha ;p

11. Jai needs a business start-up loan and a savings account.
[http://www.bot.or.th/Thai/ResearchAndPublications/DocLib_/article08_07_09_a.pdf]

- oh, yes please! :D (with eyes aflutter :D)

12. JAI needs to be able to "see" the ImageIO tools as well, and I'm pretty confident that in your case what's happening is that somehow it(she) can't.
[http://markmail.org/message/7fzj53rgvkuvpikr]

- sheesh. another software thing. GAAAAAA

13. Jai needs to work on his(her) feet and ankles.
[http://www.bollyadda.com/2009/05/dance-india-dance-22-may.html]

- yes, to get this lifelong sprain(s?) figured out. harharhar.

14. JAI Needs Assessment Team learned that in the absence of textbooks, some teachers have resorted to making pamphlets.
[http://el-gr.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=212029970252]

- oh yeah, made one myself. think retro>st. paul pasig>I-7>algeb>math path brochure>miss camacho :D

15. Jai needs to understand that it is possible to redesign jobs around employees instead of looking for the perfect employee for each job.
[http://www.businessworld.in/index.php/Cases/Accepting-Change.html]

- of course i know that. problem is, you have to redesign (again!) once you get a new employee. attrition, anyone? :D LOL serious mode <3

there! <3 haha craaazy. ;p

New Music & Spontaneity

the sudden urge to "change it up" has crept into my blogging traditions, and i am left confused...

should i stay or should i go?

methinks this needs a plethora of everything to be decided on. no spur-of-the-moment answers, i hope. and i will come to the conclusion if and when i do.

oh, happy dagger! :o

right now i'm sad because we'll be leaving the family i have grown to love and be with... and so soon! :o but with the thought that we will forever be in each other's hearts, i am slightly comforted. after all, the missing part of the situation will be the hardest to live with. it doesn't matter what happened before, what matters is now. and i think i speak in behalf of everyone when i say that our life as singers has indeed begun anew.

so i pack my bags with a heavy heart and pray that all will be okay, miss all the USTS alumni for the rest of my days, and make it happen. for what it's worth, i know for sure that they will miss us too. and that makes the missing aspect even better. ;)

(the end of something simple, and the beginning of everything else.)

(Tonight will be just another night. What makes me nostalgic, however, is the idea that every SK i shall hear and utter tonight will bring me closer to 8:45 am.)

post-shift chill will be on hold...

my happy birthday krispy kreme day :)

the time-consuming quest for a shot will be held, too :o

(for the most part, i am excited like crazy for this transition. but what makes it ache is knowing that i will be leaving (though momentary) a team i have grown to love. argh, makes it even harder to pack, because of the frenzied activity my brain chooses to be in.)

bye bye team building sa beach though ayaw ni monette ... :(

though encased in weirdness, i had a lot of fun :)

( i leave with an even heavier heart, because i'm saying see you later to 2 teams i know and love. this other team is my living proof that friendship surpasses boundaries (most of it, at least). no matter how far our bays are, we alipins still go nesting mode when we get the chance, and it saddens me in unparalleled proportions that i shall leave the rest of the pioneers of the 9s. )

the alipins ng salapi... :)

hello, graduation. :)

( for the record, i'll miss YOU all, no matter what you brought into my stay here. be it irritability or sheer joy, i'm still thankful to have met you (well, whoever YOU are). )

GA SK bio team...

yihee. go a-team!

( SO, a "see you when i see you" is in session, and ttyl to everyone :D )

( be seeing you guys, all the best to you ;D )

dazed and confused

for a while there, i thought i was sucked into the twilight zone...

and then i opened my eyes.

of course, a computer screen with a single, almost monochroamtic window and multifarious boxes met my ever-so-fluttering eyes.

oops, i'm at work. :D

(but i'm home now, was just channeling the wonders of relay and beyond.Ü)

SOOOO.

those fated meetings were bound to conclude, and my seemingly hopeless journey towards unearthing the fossils of way back when magically and almost instantly presented themselves right in my face. so much for waiting for time to cease all foggy madness, i am now facing hard-core facts.

but, of course, since we all know that life brings us a plethora of surprises "every each time," let me go for the gold by saying i have learned a GARGANTUAN amount in those last few hours i spent as slave to life's effort to teach us the ropes with matters of momentary unfair-ness.

as much as i would like to elaborate, i can only say that i pray for the best for all the friends i know will enter the realm of judgment one of these days. all my love to you all. as for those hanging on to dear life, however, you guys know i am too. Ü

in whatever way, shape, or form people may see how life makes an effort to make us learn what we need to epitomize in our beings, i just want to let you all know i'll be here for the long haul. i don't know what else may happen in the next few days, but whatever it is, allow me to smile and finally put my panic button to rest. 2 days straight of panicky haven is REALLY not a good idea. :)

ANYWAY.

for whatever purpose i may be responding to, i know i want this right now. so, let us channel warrior princesses and be soldiers in our separate ordeals. i know i've contributed by heeding to wisdom's call and finally opening up ("no holds barred," haha!!!) and i know my piece was well-stated and finely-tuned. however, the most recent chain of events got me thinking. argh.

what to do, what to do.

i am just a puzzle of irregular sorts right now. i have just woven unceasing blabber and have turned it into a slave of eternity. for whatever it's worth, things are going to get better. let's make sure it does. Ü

luxurious sleep should be attained as well, to promote a healthier lifestyle and a paced heart. so, i shall retire. :)

off to the mattresses i go! ;p

beginnings and endings

it has always been a thought-provoking ordeal whenever i assess where i'm going in this madness people call life. at most times, i end up happy and contented with how i've seen things through different aspects, and i end my reverie with a smile and a breath of relief.

now, however, i am seemingly left dumbfounded at the thought of change starting to creep into my senses once again.

i am not at all terrified of what is to come. i actually am excited. but when i REALLY think of everything else in between, i plan nonstop and activate my panic button.

now that i've seriously made my mark on oblivion, my better judgment tells me i have yet to experience the wrath of time. woohoo.

as much as i want to resolve my thoughts right here and right now, time could not be a better juror in my momentary query. so i guess my phoned-in questions have yet to be relayed in utmost delay and i shall await the no response until time heeds my call.

no matter how my life is hectic in uncanny ways, i am in this for the long haul and i am holding tight until the end of the line. who knows what will be up when i arrive? only a few people know. albeit waiting for tomorrow with shivers in me timbers, might as well take on the role and make it work. after all, i still have a few moments of slavery (read: alipin-ness haha!) locked in my system :)

if all else fails, smile and make the magic happen. :)

Feeling A Tad Random... ;)

Rules:Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things about you.

* as far as i'm concerned, i have been living a double life for the past year. and i love it ;)

* i love SHOES, bags, and clothes. and everytime i go anywhere, i restrain myself AS MUCH AS I
CAN to not splurge... (most of the time, to no avail. haha!)

* i constantly want to reinvent myself. i think change is good. :)

* i can say that a good handful know me REALLY well, and most people who say they know me know so much less than they actually think they do.

* i love to write. and speak. and express myself in thoughts and words. i literally can go on all day. :)

* people always think i'm unappoachable and snobbish when they first see me, but (i hope!) they change their minds after a few times spent with me.

* i don't mind being with different crowds everytime. i don't limit myself to being extra-exclusive with one group. :)

* i believe in making a difference. i know you can't do it all on your own, but it will certainly help if you do something.

* i am a dreamer. i want to do so much in life, and i feel one lifetime isn't enough for all the wonderful things there is to do in this earth.

* i have a panic button ready to be pressed every single time. i do a good job concealing my urge to use it, though. :)

* what i am now has been the product of a series of unfortunate events. and i can't wait for more bittersweet moments to come. :)

* i am of extreme personalities. i can be the most bubbly person now and the most cross later.

* some people think i have a problem if and when i keep quiet. i don't think silence is a bad thing,
though.

* i care. even when some people think i don't.

* i can say that the 2 people who have ever really hurt me have become my good friends now.

* i don't give up easily. but i learned that waiting is an even better choice sometimes. it makes you grow in ways you never think you would.

* i am always a plethora of emotions.

* little things make me happy. and when these accummulate, they become gynormous... and that makes it the most special. :)

* i ultimately adore GERBER DAISIES. and roses and tulips, too, but Lord bless those exquisite GERBERAS. :)

* yes, i have loved and lost. and since i don't give up easily, i'm still hoping for the best. :)

* i'm a sucker for massages. a good massage gives me unexplainable happiness. :)

* i believe in the need for cheese in life every so often. it's those cheesy bits of life that make everything else go 'round smoothly. :)

* i know i'm not the most fortunate of all people, but i know how to live with it and i'm okay. ;)

* i often get judged for who i'm not. and someday, i will learn to not even care.

* i love my family and friends even if they prove to be usually the source of my problems. i don't exactly know how to quantify how and why i love them all, i
just know i do. :)

the beginning of randoms i will have to get out of my system :)

Entry #1
1. so, okay, yes. i missed hanging out with the alipins. kind of got a bit of that when jona and i chilled post-shift. :)
2. my current addiction: starbucks' iced (though i have it iced less) triple shot venti white chocolate mocha... yum!
3. i think the random flurry of cheese in one's life makes everything seem okay :) (read: one more chance) haha!
4. it's hard to miss people when you don't want them to know you miss them... because really, it'll show one way or another. waaaah loser. haha :)
5. weekend shifts are less eventful, which is great, but a tad lonely (missed you earlier, teammates. :( eww sappy.)
6. i know have to stop drinking coffee in the morning if i want to get myself some decent sleep.
7. i couldn't care less about my cheap-ass phone, but it would be great if i make myself buy myself a new one soon (post-birthday gift, haha!).
8. i just had the most bittersweet birthday, and i'm fine with it. :)
9. this is the first year ever that i didn't majorly celebrate my birthday. :)
10. people can surprise you sometimes. :)
11. i patiently await my Love Actually dvd... ahem!!! :D
12. i think i know, but i still don't. :)
13. i have just been informed that pearls actually enhance something if you wear them. i have no idea what that is, but i will sure as hell try not to wear them for the time being. (love you though, trish! i still heart the bracelet despite what donna and joseph said.:D)
14. i'm having fun with my teammates and not-so-teammates so far :) haha!
15. facebook is starting to get addictive for some strange, demented reason. :O
16. i'm a sucker for romantic comedies, which is why i need that cheesiness in my life at certain times, whether or not the film is foreign. :)
17. i still have to get that blasted Single Ladies mode out of my system.
18. i believe in retail therapy. :)
19. my refuge is nowhere to be found at the moment. :o
20. right now, i don't know what that refuge actually is... :o

like i said, randoms. ;)

Unplanned and Fabulous

after finally accepting that a plethora of emotions has just invaded my sanity, i revert back to my old ways and begin to write about the clockwork that is my life. and this will probably be the rambling that most people will find easy to decode, for i do not feel all that profound today.

for everyone's information, i am having the time of my life right now, and i'm not yet interested in slowing down anytime soon.ü haha ü ANYWAY. we arrived in berlin sometime around 4pm today, and i have already traversed the long road home while having a tug-of-war with gravity. sadly, my luggage still refused to budge and i was left with two overworked arms the minute i entered the door to my new host's abode (good thing my fingers are still alive and kicking because i need to catch up on so much. hahaü).

much to my deep breaths, this trip is not as perfect as i had imagined. and there still were twists and turns that i had to roll with to make things fine. haha the life of me ü oh well, i at least admit that i smile a lot to alleviate my facial muscles of the strain (and, possibly, future wrinkles. hahaü).

that momentous departure date will still be a shocker for me, mainly because i did not expect such a depressive event to haunt me the moment i was about to leave. i hope eveything turns out okay, though, and i know i will still continue working it out the moment i get back home. no worries for now, i'll just have to pray that things work and everyone will be fine. i have constantly prayed in every church i entered that life will be good, so i'll put my hopes on God for now.

of course, i'm great and enjoying a lot, so here's the good part of the story: every city, tourist spot, museum, gallery, rathaus, castle, tower, garden, palace, church, and whatnot that we visit brings tears to my eyes because i repeatedly realize how exciting the world is.ü this is an extremely beautiful cultural experience, and i'm still looking forward to the last three weeks of coldness and concerts ahoy.ü i miss everyone back home, but i know they want me to enjoy this as much as i can. so guess what? it's back to the old optimistic weirdness and happy people life.ü haha ü

whew. i actually felt bland when i started typing this entry, and now i feel a lot better. i guess my silence en route to berlin was a surprise for most people (lia et ate luchie), and the headache will soon be a bad excuse, so am retreating to my room and will achieve peace in sleep.ü

auf wiedersehn ü

Keeping the Faith

after a fairly pleasurable encounter with the ties that bind, madame karen and i trotted to dapitan to await our chariot en route to jem's abode. much to our disbelief, we spotted a partly-hidden house of haunted horrors (try spelling shop-a-holic, our worst nightmare ;p) somewhere down the road and impulsively and almost literally jumped off our chariot to seek for an adventure.

let's just say impossible is nothing. ;)

long story short, our thirst for adventure was quenched in some guilt-ridden way and we loaded on sinful sweets prior to heading back to the road where we were once going. too bad, though, the rain was starting to pour as we finally made our way through the annoying traffic of the busy streets of manila. just as we disembarked the carriage we last rode, we were faced with the awful truth that times have changed (additional charges now apply, haha!).

every moment of this spontaneous escapade was laced with the dread of actually succumbing to the truth that we have been waiting to hear for the past couple of weeks... despite that, however, we got down to business and began the journey to photoshop haven.

moments such as this make you realize how much you miss of the easy life you once had, one that required less energy and effort to grow to love. however, since time pushes us to grow and escalate, we make do with what we have and trod towards the unknown. and, sometimes, we end up loving the unknown too.

it makes me laugh to think that i got so accustomed to sleeping in the morning that i never even got tempted to hurry to dreamland the entire night we spent there. i sang out loud and impressively stayed alive amidst the droopy faces i saw, and ever-so-energetically joined in on the conversation about life and loves lost (yes, go emo mode! ;D). the moment of clarity was painfully induced by my playlist choice as i decided to randomly select a name of my fancy on the ipod that graced jem's uber-burgis ipod dock. much to our enjoyment, we relived the times as we listened to the soothing sounds of boyzIImen and whathaveyou.


barf bags, anyone? ;p

methinks remembering is healthy, though. it keeps you on your toes and doesn't allow you to take things as they are. the act and art of remembering gives your neurons a workout, and you turn over a new leaf every single time. soon enough, you will be saying hello to maturity and to the rest of the beauteous world. ;)


things will never be the same, i know. and as i conclude a part of my humble beginnings, i shall live to see the day i leave with a heavy heart and a smile on my face. i am not at all times so mean, after all. ;)

oh, and by the way, our prayers have been answered. ;) if this will be God's plan for us, let's al hope we make it good. like what we've been saying, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. ;)


"one cannot question the existence of feelings. they are there, raw and undeniable... but one can choose not to nurture what is felt. yet, no matter what they say, what has been felt will always be more honest than what was chosen."

To Infinity and Beyond

breaks are fun. :)

whenever i interact with people i do not really get to talk to that much, i find myself amazed at what i end up learning about that person and about myself. chance is such a good friend, it hands you life lessons at the most unexpected of times.

this is why i thrive in unreliability (despite my evident OC moments). sure, being planned and ready for anything is great, but living in the moment is fun as well. :) what i originally thought of as unreliable turned out to be something i'd cherish after all. if it weren't for the frequent breaks, i never would have come in contact with all these realizations that invaded my safeguarded ideals.

it is in these moments when i can say that the person who invented the phrase looks can be deceiving is indeed brilliant in every sense of the word. one simply cannot bank on visuals to know about life and the mysteries that lie beneath its portals, but must focus a keener eye on actually feeling what more there is in a being.

it's great that there actually are people still by my side, who give me enough credit to cancel all the intrigue around the world and focus on the facts. :) it's not our problem anymore if some people can't stand how i am, i'm here to enjoy the ride. whoever you are, though, bite me.

hahahaha :D

A Little Less Complicated

i have no freaking idea what everything that has been happening means.


they say these things are what normally happens in my newfound industry, and my rigidity feels robbed. my plan for all seasons has failed to cater to my OC attacks and i have to conform to the unreliability of life too...


oh, the horror, the horror.


oh well, at least i have my wave-mates to be with. i have to master the art of letting go once again, though... letting go of the life principles i've strictly adhered to somehow and enjoy the ride.


while life was attacking my rigidity last night, i frantically browsed through my phonebook and rang everyone i felt i could talk to. 3 people loved me enough to reply, but kim (replyer#1) was short on battery, and jb (replyer#2) was preparing for work. good thing roy (ringer#1) rang moi, and thank goodness, i was able to talk to someone. life is still great, despite the attacks at my weary spirit. :)


what's with the personal attack, right? oh well. :)


blame it on "that's life". :)


oh yeah, jb rang me too after a while. but then roy was with me already, so i cut it short. i promised, though, to tell him everything once i have time, and so i'll email him right after this. haha :)


***


From a blimp far beyond outer space

***



i've been chatting with a friend from college for the past half-hour (ish), and yes, i have updated her on the perils of my sick, sad life. what was that, reza? go for gold? let's see. :p i've had a lecture from my everdearest "high school" best friend already, papa roy, and i want to keep myself sane and "nag-free" for a moment so i can properly function.



only time will tell, though. whatever happens, i'll make sure i'm prepared. i will never again succumb to pressure. yes, we all know how that went.


when pertaining to life in general, yes, everything is a little less complicated. but then again, i reassess where i am, and i find myself shocked with what i haven't been paying attention to that much. everything is equally important, but something really pushes itself to the surface of my brainwaves so much more than the others... i have NO IDEA where this is going, and i'm extremely scared. i just hope the dreaded cloud of confusion clears up soon.


as much as i would want to elaborate to clear my head of the mental trauma i receive by the second, i can't. i have to figure things out myself, and yeah, if in doubt, deal with it. there's no way this is going to be easier, so i'll have to face it and learn the awful truth myself.


i would give almost anything to be able to get out of this rut. if only things would fall into place and the world would give me a break and succumb to my rigidity... sadly, though, i am merely a space ant in this extraterrestrial dimension we live in.


sad snaps for jaimie...

oh well. upside or downside, i'm on life's side for the long haul. :)

see you on the flipside. :)

The Beginning of an End

Welcome to the world of the employed. Thank goodness I am not a bum anymore. Today marks my third week of training, and the onset of the flurry of migraines I shall expect and deal with.

Haaaaay. Life goes on. Like what many people would say, "If it doesn't kill you, it's gonna make you stronger." On that note, I start my piece.

In a nutshell, this entry screams the realization that I never thought two weeks of BST would actually make a difference in my life. I used to think it was just something I'd sleep through, a little something that will bore me to death. But, alas, I was wrong. As I attended class, the magic of enjoying work unfolded right in front of my eyes. Despite being the outspoken nut that I am, I am left amazed at what had transpired for the last two weeks of my existence. I gained so much more than I could ever have imagined, thanks to my new-found friends, colleagues (collage? ;p), and educators in and out of the office.

This is the supposed last written assessment we would submit, but our "facilitator" asked us to keep it instead. It summons a multitude of emotions, of course, and I had to fake sanity while reading it. It makes me feel nice, though, that people respond to what I wrote, though I originally thought it made how I am the epitome of imperfect.

With a special request by my day-long partner, Mia, i post this...

************************************************

BEGIN with the END in mind. Always.

It has been a long-standing statement that we should “live life to the fullest.” No one, in my opinion, has ever achieved someone else’s standards of fulfilment. For as much as we try to be the “fulfilled being” they think we should be, we can’t. We can only reach the extent of fulfilment we have set for ourselves.

When I think about actually attaining fulfilment, I remember all my hopes and dreams, and the million things more I want to get to feel that I’ve made it. But it would be too idealistic to believe that every whim I have is attainable.

Now that I know better, I see my fulfilment and success in the intangible aspects I can live up to and imbibe in everything I do. I want to be remembered by my family as the daughter who cared, the one who was there when things didn't go right. I want to be seen as the one who made life bearable for everyone (even to my friends J), and the sister who thought of others more than she did herself. I want to be seen as the one who made mistakes but was not scared to own up to it, as the imperfect daughter and sister who brought sadness and disappointment to the house, but tried her hardest to make things right. I want my family to believe I tried to be perfect, but couldn't, that's why they loved me anyway and saw me as perfect… in a very imperfect way.

I want my friends to remember me as the one who had fun, but made sense; a good person who never failed to lend a helping hand or a shoulder to lean on. I want to be seen as someone who was there, and who gave herself to the people she cared about the most. I want them to remember that I looked out for them, and shared their hell with them. I want to be the imperfect friend they fought with, the one who was brave enough to stress the times when she made mistakes herself. Above all, I want everyone to remember me, not as the successful singer, dancer, or actress I want to be, not as the doctor or psychologist I will try to be, but the “imperfect success” who found fulfilment in surpassing life’s challenges with a smile on her face.J

Taking Time Off

If not for the onset of temporary insanity, i would still be working my behind off.

breathe... let it go...

this has virtually annihilated the rest of my mantras, lurking in the varying convolutions of my beauteous brain for the past freaking months. everything else aside, it still freaks me out that i am to face yet another chapter in my twisted life. i'm screaming my guts out and i want to break free.

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyy.

it seems only like yesterday when i used to always think of how i looked whenever i'd step out of the house and head to school (yes, vanity possessed me in freshman year). i thought that was enough, and continued on with what i thought i had to do. soph year, here come the fireworks. however glad (and devastated) i was of my resounding 'first' year in college, i wanted to do something else.

and so, the magic happened. :) hurrah for it still happening until now! :) the hardships i've thankfully endured equip my paper being, recycling and recycling my every inch.

well, the rest of my years were quite topsy-turvy (in a good way, of course). though life was somewhat this and somewhat that, i'm not complaining at all.

word to the curious: i can't finish this right now. for more of my mindless ramblings, WAIT. haha :)

*laa-dee-dah...*

The UST Singers Hears Christmas Sing!

yes, people.

tonight's the night to hear Christmas Sing! :)

Check out the UST Singers
"Hear Christmas Sing!"
at the
UST Quadricentennial Square (Fountain area behind the Main Bldg) TONIGHT, DECEMBER 11 (Tuesday) at 6:30 in the evening.

FREE ADMISSION Ü

Hope to see you there! :)

So Little Time (soooo much to do!)

it just dawned upon moi that i have exactly four hours tomorrow to edit my future.

toast. that's what i'll be.

brain-wracking tension aside, i am now initiating another phase in my life--one that hopefully would end in a few months, one i'd be glad to say goodbye to. back in high school, i never would have thought fighting to survive college would actually bring you to hell and back. i just knew hell would be there (and, of course, heaven too), but i had several inklings concerning luck and compassion i hoped like crazy to be enough. or so i thought. i've had my pitfalls, those random semi-freudian moments i know so well, and my world sporadically crumbling to oblivion, but it was fun swimming in the mess somehow. the past couple of weeks taught me that there actually exists such a thing as justice in this beautiful--albeit crime-infested--world. the legacy of a few real friends made me realize the absence of "the box."

[okay, think of the box as what you think out of when you want to do something creative. for those who got it, congratulations. for those who didn't, however, hmmm... never mind.]

it's hilarious that when i start thinking of what to write here, i end up writing a number of my posts for over an hour. i know it's my fault, because i'm a... hmmm... "career-oriented" (there you go.) person, but what can i do? i absolutely love what i'm doing.

paradigm shift.

it is still baffling, though, that i somehow project a one-dimensional image to my acquaintances. for some untold strangeness, it is practically what and who they believe that i am. oh well. the thought just crossed my mind.

i currently possess a cornucopia of fused feelings i badly want to exhale to my immediate world. but things will change, and so will time, so the rest of the world's secrets should be vault-sealed until further notice.

ANYWAYS. i better secure my fate or the rest of the celebrated happiness i have scheduled will bear bad news. au revoir!

I'm Lovin' It

sheraton. belgian waffles, maple syrup, and whipped cream. banana milk. omelettes. new sheets everyday. Über fluffed pillows. taipei night markets. kuku-G. spaG. nai cha. 500 tea store. 50--?. tea bar. 7-eleven. endless wi-fi. cnn. houshanpi. shi lin. taipei main station. national concert hall. taipei philharmonic foundation. fortune & perlette. clothes markets. shoe markets. cotton club singers. subway tokens. adventures. getting lost (haha!). gym. sauna. pool. pabuk (freaky!).



the momentary time of my life.

Trying To Get The Feeling Again

despite the blur that persistently gets caught in my optical nerves, i have no other choice but to ace up my game (AGAIN) and pray like crazy to pull through.

okay, so things were pretty great for the past two weeks. i felt detoxified, of course. to some people, too, i projected well-restedness and an improvement from my previous knocked-out state. is that a good sign? i hope so.

it took something miniscule to help my heart pierce a ray of light through my soul. our high school yearbook, the notorious bearer of hot-headedness and turmoil, just came out (or WILL come out, i don't know). finally. it got to the finish line before i did. :D

so, adieu to sheraton taipei loveliness, back to what's real. prelims, here i come.

Bittersweet Symphony

my life as i know it is evolving by the second. i can barely catch my breath chasing after every millisecond that passes my way.

for what it's worth, this is a fresh start for me. on the other hand, it may mean my demise.

like what i've been saying, i've got to ace up my game even more. normalcy is not an option. regularity is prohibited.

conformity equals death.

i have only the slightest idea why suddenly, a renewed hope has dawned upon me. is it the thought of the perils of yesteryear that brings me to punch through this totally and ridiculously unsymphonic state? perhaps. but then, my worn-out heart is screaming for bandages.

hemorrhage aside, i know i can do this. this ray of light will guide me to where i will be. if all else will fail, i'll make sure i'll be able to exhale and say it's how things should be.

so, goodbye to the pangs of the night's storms, i am on my way to the beyond.

Tonight I Write the Saddest Lines

the title is not a typo nor is this entry a rip-off of pablo neruda's published genius.

i'm just down in the dumps.

The Beginning of the Rest of My Life

because of untold stressors and positive adjustments, my life can start anew.

i'm commencing this schoolyear in good spirits and a refreshed soul. i hope this new-and-improved psyche can help me end a chapter of my life. i'm not saying anything, but i hope (so bad) that everything turns out well.

for what it's worth, i'm missing everything already. but i don't have to say goodbye now. after all, i still have a year to coexist with the humongous population that nerve-wracked the past three (and something) years of my life.

enough with sentimentality, i have a life to live. sure, i will drown in paperwork and head trauma, but i will fight tooth-and-nail to get to the end of this race. see you on the flipside. :)

***kuyaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! i miss you! (eww, sickeningly sweet. :p) call me again when you have time. mondays and wednesdays,2-5; fridays,11-5. bahala ka na magcompute ng time difference, heehee :)***

In an Unnatural State of Calmness

thank God i can finally take a breather.

once this week reaches its conclusion, i will again be thrust right back into Earth. oh well. i shall enjoy the last few days of peace and quiet then.

all the talk i hear on pain and suffering is giving me pain and suffering. will turn off the TV now.

wait, no. i won't. oh well (again). keeping myself entertained with surgeons on the verge of momentary weakness is worth it. go, Grey's Anatomy. :) loved it since ever. and now i get to watch it again. yay for me :)

happy holy week to my vacationing friends, goodluck on and enjoy getting good tans :) toodles :)

(this is clearly a moment of peachy-ness for me. yay, me.)

Topsy-Turvy

welcome to the flipside.

since Lord knows when, my world has been topsy-turvy. i don't know why this keeps on happening, but for whatever reason, i'm completely un-myself these past few days.

more than usual, i mean.

after a fairly eventful weekend and a whole lot of work to do, i am back in the primordial mess i loathe. sensorium clouding ahoy. i'm still at a loss despite that ray of light.

i've got less than a week to pull everything off, and, once again, my sanity is crumbling to oblivion.

Lord, please help me.

Dreaming With A Broken Heart

or is it lying awake with one of these?

my friends are slowly making their way towards mimicking the glory of singlehood. i feel for them, but, as they say, things change.

as much as my weary insides prohibit me from falling into the pit of despair, i am in the slide of my life breathlessly freewheeling into the depths of the unknown. for whatever reason, the pains of life seemingly grab my friends by the hair and i am mercilessly dragged with them. ah, the life of me.

i have just posted an equally life-threatening message in the world that is the online classroom. that may just be the sole judge of my fate. well, i don't really know yet, but something's going to happen soon.

bracing myself again for tomorrow.

New and Improved

so this is how it is being new and improved. haha.

i've been sensing freaky foreshadowing, and i am prepared for battle.

i hope.

my world in a blur

WOW.

i's actually been half a year since i last posted anything here. so much has happened (duh.), i'm afraid i won't give justice to things if i indulge in divulging every nitty-gritty detail there ever existed. so my mouth is shut, my fingers are restricted, and my mind is flying.Ü

it's february again, time for sparks to fly. i wonder...
...
for the longest time, i haven't delved into the idea of veering away from my prissy schedule.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

hmm... should i or should i not? the time may have changed, but the question will forever be the same.

*sigh.*

HEART, actually.

my heart actually hurts.

many of you would think that this was supposed to be entitled "love actually" (as opposed to "heart, actually."), that being one of my all-time fave movies. but it's not, so, whatever.

after witnessing an unexpected moment, it really surprised me that my heart actually hurt--for real. it was neither a mere pang, nor was it a painful twitch; for some weirdly unexplainable reason, it was real pain. it must have been some constriction or a medically-explainable whatnot, but i felt it--i'm feeling it. and it doesn't seem to go away.

this could be an influence of my dear partner-in-crime, to the truest extent that we feel each other's pains now. but i know this is solely mine. with touches of my world's facets maybe, but mostly of right now.

due to events uncalled for, i am again stuck in a rut. "i don't know why i'm frightened, i know my way around here..." for as long as i can remember, i have been baffled with the uncertainties of this same opportunity. but i have no idea why everything scares me so much more now. to quote mine wise sensei, "...there are no mistakes, just lessons to be learned." and i still have no idea why the aftershocks do not insist themselves into my anatomy. although actions have been made by some to sensationalize this supposed bizaare manifestation, my hypothalamus still seeks to ponder on what should be. sure, things are better now. but what makes that an assurance that everything will be fine?

i know, how obsessive of me to be such an automator. but i can't help it if i know deep down that something is definitely up. you can't blame a woman for her intuition, after all. that's what keeps us going. meanwhile, amidst all the hullabaloo, i still cannot fathom what exactly the plan for me is.

i'm going crazy, my head is spinning. i can't just make myself believe that this is fine. my corpus callosum is severed, my hemispheres do not work well anymore. bottomline? i'm toast.

Wrong Place, Wrong Time.

just when i thought things are harboring back smidgens of normalcy, i thrust myself into a world of unchartered dispute. the fallacy that is my knowledge is tested in the waters of uncertainty, i can just die.

why do the beloved live such an inconsequential life? my heart's despair reaches to the depths of the earth's core. sometimes, when you perceive moments as real, you find out pretty soon that it was all a lie.

i knew destiny couldn't have helped ranting about missed instances. i knew right off the bat i was to become an accessory to the complications of varied beadwork. if only i had seen the bigger picture sooner, i would not feel this way.

so, now dear sister is the rancidly unscrupulous being that graced fate's existence. how should she know she's being cursed to oblivion by those dearest to her anatomy? everything is so darn surreal, i hate it.

it's a good thing people rarely grasp the precision of mine inscriptions. add to that the little factoid that is my esotericity. there is solace in the vehemence my veins emit. mi fuera leaps to the bounds of the unknown, and my work will never be done.

i have never felt a melange of such in the past eons of my existence. i am EXTREMELY stupid for having fallen for a lie. and i initiated the truce.

i am such a loser.

i have guarded my physiology against that kind for so long, my walls are crumbling. i am a confused mound of a life. will my alternate universe please set me free?

NEVER AGAIN. half-baked uncertainty in the magnitude of life's shreddings of essential truths. time will come, and i will finally break free from all of this.

please.

Time and Time Again

for the past eons of my life, flakeouts were persistently emerging from the cracks of beyond. as much as i try to work with these dents i dodge with all my might, there is always that one time when all hell breaks loose... and the flakeouts come crashing down on you.

unfortunately, that day had to be today. my sleeplessly quiet dawn was shattered by untold circumstances... and my life morphed into the life i never knew. the life i passed by, the life i saw from a distance.

but i had to live in the agony today. why today? why now that i did not prepare at all? if only i had forseen this...

then again, it is truly wise to expect the unexpected. i know i'm changing, i'm doing all i can to cope. but i wasn't as ready now. God is fair. He leaves you dumbfounded in random moments of your life, and you stare in awe and relentlessly hold on to dear life and to the greater power that is His will. times like these, we all are left mystified of the glory of how He truly is.

i really understand where you're coming from, but what happened happened. it would be hypocritical to say i feel for you ten million percent, but i understand. you also have to understand now that things happen for a reason. and what matters is how you work with it. cliche, yes. but SO true.

these moments are showered upon us to foster the growth of our recklessnesses, to edify us of the truth that there are other people we affect than just ourselves. we are caught unaware, as opposed to grasping every drop of the reality that there is.so what to do?

deal with it.

sounds harsh, but that's life. my flakeouts will come again, but whatever happens, i'll be sticking to it. all that's let for me to do now is BREATHE.

BREATHE...
breathe...
breathe.

madness ahoy

it's 3:03 am and i'm still up.

there's something unnatural about this habit, yet i seem to always result to this.

no classes tomorrow. again. rest is on its way.

despite numerous attempts to regain restlessness, i still succumb to anesthetized frenzy. i'm losing my mind. my brain cells are dissolving into oblivion.

or so i thought.

true enough, the wheels are still turning--incessantly, if i may add--that it hurts. i have just done loads of emailing, my head hurts. the world must be filled with all my blabber by now. and it sucks. if only i knew a few eons ago that the minutes prior to this hour would hook me to the dreaded physical and mental state, i would not have explored the waves too much. meanwhile, i am basking in my sanity in this extremely unholy hour.

i'm melting...

Crime Overdue

world, this'll be bleeped.

(the date is 07 june 2006, 12:14 in the afternoon. the sun is extreme, and a medley of tension and relief is in the air. cinderella, in a plain white uniform carrying a pink and purple largely- checkered bag, age 20, enters, stage right. she walks to the solitary chair at the end of a table on stage left and disarrays notepaper in front of her. she takes out a notebook and a blue pen, and starts to write...)

pitstop haven= unexpected freakland.

i am compelled to digest [with extremely careful initial mastication] a whole chunk of bread in this haven of uncertainty. i seemingly drown myself in agua to further numb my tracts of any solid food intake.

a million thanks to the Lord for a slice of heaven from beyond.Ü and now my premonitions of greater responsibilities [and total euphoria] have been answered. oh yeah!

(she looks around the crowded place and takes a deep breath. eyes closed, she feels the weight of the day's pressures on her shoulders.

another deep breath.

she opens her eyes and continues her astral journey...)

i now know that once again, the issues are alive. or have they ever been dead? i kind of don't think so. oh well. at least the issues are of coolness and untold hubba-hubbas.;)

yipee! albeit ideas of queerness and hands-offness, i am still amazed of my SSP's enthronement and freakish buoyance.

man, oh man. i just LOVE life. maybe all these happened for a reason---for me to really find myself in this ultrachaotic world--and web--of lies and slivers of truth. i may be millions of light-years away from relevance to their kind, but the association is signed, sealed, and delivered. i am in a league of my own, and i am so stinkin' happy about it.

as i savor the final few bites of this breadly uncertainty, i reminisce hearing the valentine's' non-happenings for some people out there. Go sir!Ü

methinks they lurve moi endeavors. they want to shift to my side this time. yeayea! coolness.Ü

i now recognize the past and put together a face and a name. she was the legality to cha's illegality, i get it now. the apple of his eye. haha. now i know.

ano yan?

(point. point. point. she feels unmistakably freakish, but pulls off bouts of a relaxed mind. hurrah!)

the last bite. ubercrisp goodness suddenly deemed delectable by one's picky tastebuds. a sense of heaven in today's events. thank you, Lord!

extreme joy. giddy-happy. major score, man.

B-E-A-utiful.ÜÜÜ

Survival Of The Fittest

thoughts of previous tasks...

time to deal with all i've left behind now.

what's done is done.

so far, so good. storm into school like a regular human being, with millions to share. as far as i know, irregularity does not kill. it may merely infuriate my beloved mental capacity at times, but still. summer science, here i come.

i really hope we leave on that proposed month, though. so as to get a headstart on rebuilding my academic life. if things go as planned, i'll be normal by next year. i mean---my next year. that's not so bad, right? i mean, i know it can only get better.

i hope.

SO--- a reform is in order this year. i will be better---even if it kills me. that is my personal sacrifice. that is for the welfare of mine future---be it academic or artistic.

so, goodbye to lax dreams and chill-ness, i will miss you things so much. i must and shall embark on my personal journey to the straits of the unknown (and the previously-known, for that matter). i will miss everyone for sure.

tai tien, immaturity and half-baked me-ness, and hello to embellished reform.

Randoms.

initially back from south korea.

now back from singapore.

off to taipei on saturday.

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i sold my soul to succumbing delight.

is this real?

my virtual reality seemingly patches the artwork that is my world of calm, semi-perfection, and un-despair. if things show me the light, then why not? but a cloud of dread escapes into my momentay flutter.

fear.

afraid to take the plunge, perhaps? or just afraid to reveal thyself to chance? the inexperience creeps into the marrows of my bones, and into the charges of my neural activity.

but why hope?

bizaare as it may seem, my weary artery aches for that rush, that flight to the beloved astral plane that is euphoria. euphoria in feeling, yes. anything is possible, just like many would say. but why is this comntroversy throwing daggers aimlessly through my heart and soul?

i am a mosaic of unexplicable abyss.