Deep Breaths.

Always be wary when mixing business with pleasure. In spite of random endings that go well, there are some highly quicksand-ey situations that make you regret even planning to get the best of both worlds.

In a perfect universe, I would be able to get what I want, when I want it. But since that world exists only in a dream, I suck up all the bad juju that's been accumulating and flash a halfhearted smile. Poor me, always on the losing end.

I'm starting to think the theory I once had was never true to begin with. Apparently, everything I believed about this has been a lie, and I have subjected myself to nothing but embarrassment and despair. But yes, life goes on and I shall eventually find another theory to believe so my heart can get disproved again someday.

Oh well. At least I'm used to disappointments. :( pardon the self-pity. Down in the dumps is just an understatement right now. Sigh.

2:09 AM

The Universe has kickstarted my dormant mind once again.

In the game of chess, one party's attack-and-capture methods are meant to place the king under an inescapable threat of capture. However, all efforts towards the king's demise can be halted, as miniscule miscalculations and even the tiniest overstep can gift a seemingly winning candidate with a draw. And just like that, despite the dirtier work and all those brain cells lost, you eventually still succumb to paying the price. The currency? Frustration.

I sometimes wonder if the Universe has become jaded because of everything it has gone through-- because in spite of my conscious efforts to carefully remain unscathed by its rampage, I nonetheless find myself stuck right in the middle of all the chaos. It's just life, I know, but it doesn't exactly offer solace to my poor, unfortunate heart.

My heart--yes, I believe that's quite the hot topic these days--should just be left at that. No muss, no fuss. And I have gone way past that game of waiting, because there's probably something else much more worthwhile to wait for. My long-time trend of friendly encounters has apparently not escaped me yet, and I say, what's a couple more years (or months, if I'm lucky ;p) of waiting?

It could be premature to say that this is the end of the road, and so I resort so saying it's yet another fork I must contemplate on. Therefore, because of the recent (and rather frequent) turn of events I refuse to read into, time and time again, I succumb to my fate.

Stalemate.

The End of A Fairy Tale

Suffice it to say that I've been trying to pattern my life to the fairy tales I've grown up with. I've always dreamed that some Prince Charming would magically appear into my life and sweep me off of my feet, just like Cinderella and Briar Rose and those other princesses that ruled my childhood dreams. I always thought, too, that someday, I would outgrow it. But I thought wrong.

Growing up doesn't necessarily mean you let go of the child you once were. It just makes you make better choices to equip you with the things you need to survive this ever-so-ruthless world. I chose to make college so much more memorable than it could be, joined things I didn't think I would be a part of, and, yea, got to see the world with my friends. I chose to enter the insane world of Medicine that turned my life inside out and upside-down, and I find myself enjoying despite and in spite of the many, many battle scars it has left me with so far. But now, in the middle of it all, I realize that while I grew up, some part of me still wishes for a different kind of magic--and my head has apparently never stopped dreaming up a fairy tale. But now, the fairy tale ends.

I could say I wish I didn't stop dreaming, but I certainly don't want to live under the shadow of doubt. Sure, I may share comparable sentiments with some people I know, but it doesn't mean I should hold on to the "usual" and carry on. I guess, this time, I truly need to toughen up.

In a different way.

For myself.

No more of those "this is it" things. This time, it should be for real. No more waiting for this frog to turn into a prince. Unrequited matters should be thrown into the sea, along with the many other wishes we want the waves to wash away from our hearts. Right now, I just have to trust that the Big Guy up in Heaven knows what He's doing. :)

I'm letting go of my old fairy tales.

Cos I think it's about time I make some of my own. AND make them happen.

faith, hope and love

i will not be able to exactly describe how blessed i have been this weekend.

amidst that whirlwind of a tribulation that surfaced these past few days, i managed to end the week on a happy note, smiling, as i type this oration. the epitome of my horrific emotional rollercoaster seemingly hit me hard this week--and all i could do was to leave my fate in the hands of fear and dread. i was paralyzed, yes. but i spent my days mostly in school and could not let the creeping depression eat me up. so i remained stoic, practically lifeless, as i trudged away on the tiled and carpeted floors i frequented.

the cherry on top of my disastrous parfait happened when one of my biggest fears slapped me with the inevitable. and my already imperfect string of weeks shattered my heart even more. i felt as though i was being pulled down by quicksand; i found my inner self screaming at the top of my lungs, with not one soul able hear me.

i had never allowed myself to break when i knew i had more things left to deal with. so i didn't. i had to harness what i felt, for the nth time, so that the people around me would not get affected. i smiled and laughed and tried to look awake all the time, while the depths of my soul wandered to the darkest places my sadness brought me to. i was always okay, always apologetic, always trying to be fine, good, nonchalant, happy and smiling as much as i could. no one caught on, which was probably a good thing, but i was silently screaming for someone to really see through my eyes and at least understand the pain.

in the most random of moments, i made myself believe that help was coming, that there was a way to relieve myself from all this torture, or that at least there was hope left for me to hold on to. but it never came, and i continuously sank into my despair's abyss.

Twitter became my semi-ally, while i tried to commit myself to just the limits of achievable personal effectiveness. i typed smiley upon smiley, and sugarcoated my sadness with mock inspiration and hope. the next morning made it even harder to contain-- the world's issues made itself known to me right when i needed silence and anonymity. i left for school with the heaviest of hearts, reeling in all that i had almost let out, and put on my usual poker face.

i found myself slowly breaking after posting some random sad Christmas tweet. i thought i could contain it, but alas, data analysis and statistics started to blur as my eyes welled up and widely opening them could not stop it anymore. as i headed somewhere private to pull myself together, it just got worse. it continued until i went back to my seat and really tried to get it out of my head.

i hate tearing up for no immediate reason, especially out in the open.
i hate that i don't completely understand why i'm crying.
i hate that i wasn't able to hold it in.
i hate feeling this sad.

but God really works in mysterious ways. He allowed me to spend the rest of the day with someone who doesn't judge, and who sometimes knows me better than i do myself. He brought one of my friends i fully trust to the rescue, who wholeheartedly listened to me and kept me company without any tinge of hesitation. with my true friends, i am allowed to feel pain, to cry, to rant, to just keep quiet, to spill my food, to just have woken up, to trip and fall, to be at my ugliest, to sing at the top of my lungs and hear my voice crack. i was, at long last, finally at home with my surroundings.

it was one of the longest moments of my life, where i had to remember all the pain i had locked up in my heart. i spoke as if it would instantly heal me, which it somehow did, as i watched my friend listen patiently. i know she knows it, but i'd just like to say that i really, REALLY appreciate that.

asmph volleyball team bonding

call me grateful, ecstatic, exhilarated, joyous, or whatever else all that may amount to. but i've never been so glad to have been part of Palarong Med this year. :)

i found myself friends and colleagues who shared the same passion as i do towards the profession we are going into, the love for the game that seemingly loves us in different levels. :)) heehee! i, for one, have not been loved that much yet by this sport; but this is JUST the beginning and i am not going anywhere. ;p

Cheers! <3

Team S gets the hot seat! :)

it literally took a lot of everything to get me--especially us--here, and i'm real glad it did. the heart that led us to this happy place cannot be contained at all. :) i am so proud of my teammates and how far we've gone. i admire each and every one of them because there's always something new they bring to the table. and it's equally--if not even more--amazing than what they've been doing already. *much respect*

Good times <3

it's that fire inside us all that made us want to go the distance. it's who we'll eventually become. it's how bad we want it and how willing we are to fight for it. but alas, some things just aren't meant to be. YET. because our fighting spirit will never have an expiration date and that's what matters. we will own the next round and will not settle until we do. :)

give it back to me and i'll make it work. i'll never learn if i don't try. bring it on. ;)

it may have been exhausting and it may not have worked as well as i had hoped for my case, but it's all for the love of the game and the commitment to it. :) all i know is that it's never too late and miracles can happen. so if we work hard enough, we will get what we deserve. :)

Team Pepi :)
ASMPH Women's Volleyball Team 2011
Second Place, Palarong Med 2011 :)

Team AJ :)
ASMPH Men's Volleyball Team 2011
Palarong Med 2011 Champions! :)

i may not have been with these guys for a long time, but i know i have them beside me in this journey. i promise, every tomorrow will be better. i will not settle and will keep charging on. not only for myself, but for the team i have grown to love [cheesy! LOL]. :) really, some things never fail to remind me that i'm not alone. and this is one of them. <3

new beginnings

from frog to cadaver-- BIG LEAP! :) *grateful, grateful* :)

i cannot begin to describe how thankful i am for what happened today. :) besides all the crazy nosebleed-inducing lectures, we actually got to work with a human body.

in truth, i had mixed feelings going into this, knowing i was scared to dissect such a large-scale idea eons before. but now, i have a slightly more elevated sense of understanding compared to my previous brain processes, and i have learned to set aside the fear and focus on clamoring for knowledge.

most of us learned that the crazy stories from higher year levels were so much worse than what actually happened. dissection was not so bad, after all. well... if you factor in hours-long retraction and fascia removal to isolate the needed muscles, arteries and veins, that's going to be a different story. my eyes stung with the fumes from the formalin and airborne lysol mosh pit [yes, it was THAT intense] a few minutes before 5pm, but it was nonetheless good. :) i appreciated anatomy more today. yay points for med school! :)

and everything else is so tiring, i wanna keep moving but not really. hahaha. the workings of a med student's mind :))

it was an honor to work with you this afternoon, Mr. Cadaver, Sir. till we meet again. :)

nice to know

So, my sister-in-law steps out of their room and sees me in the fully-lighted family room at 4am.

Gia: Oh, you're still up?
Me: *points at transes*

*We both smile*

Feels good to know someone in the family understands. :)

sangre realmente

cuando sueño no le ayuda, sabe que es más que malestar. que no siente bien en un nivel diferente, con condiciones fisiologicas mas intensificada por la angustia. 


y cuando única solución que no existe, a estar la excepción es no lo suficientemente bueno.

ultimate fashion

i'm DEAD SERIOUS.

i'd give anything to be able to play Ultimate in THIS outfit. :))

the last piece

i can never understand why certain things are just taken away from you. it must be part of the higher plan, or perhaps just bad luck that moves you towards a certain place and time when all you can do is, well--nothing.

it hurts that it took quite a bit for everything to fall into place. and now, barely a month after, it ended just as easily as it started. it only had to take two letters-- U.P.


at the exact moment i found out about this transition, the blood drained from my entirety and i was unable to speak. caught off guard, to say the least, but really, it was something more than that. i was defeated, though the game never really belonged to my hands. no one was to blame but chance. but what could i do? i had learned to love my dears long ago, and the only thing i could do was to allow fate to dictate our futures and let go.

you see, i thought i already have. i shed tears and tried my hardest to be strong, to believe in the possibility that everything will go as planned--as WE planned it. somehow, i knew what would happen, but i chose to BELiEVE blindly. i hoped against hope and fought the idea of losing a friend and a colleague. but a few hours ago, nothing could have prepared me for the reality that just slapped me in the face.

one of my allies is leaving. :'(

it is actually surprising that i did not pursue to blame chance or fate or whatever thing i chose to blame. instead, i wailed for hours until i ran out of tears. that's it. no questions, no doubts. just the sheer resignation to my fate--OUR fate for the next 5 years of our lives.

in truth, it shattered my heart. the heart i carefully rebuilt out of the fragments of what previously broke me. it tore it apart easily, with an intensity just as strong as what courage i needed to pick myself up again. it immobilized me and made me take a while longer to regain composure to plan the last hurrah we as friends were going to take.

i always delayed my replies because it was hard for me to accept it without a fight. but i knew long ago that this battle was over. so, with a torn heart, i begin to let go.

it's very sad to lose someone you've grown to love, especially since i am not only losing a friend but an ally, a confidante, a good sport, an Organic. like i said, when i grow to love people, i give my all. and my group has never been given less of my all.

with a sad smile, i bid my friend "see you later," and hope that med school life in another university treats him well. you will certainly be missed, Eman, and we wish you nothing but success in this alternate path you will traverse. BELiEVE that you have neither failed me nor our group. like i said, we are very proud of you for making it there. you already. :) Always remember that love ka ng One Organic, kasi *good sport* ka. :) we'll always be here for you. see you around :)

       

oh well :)

the past weekend gave me a whooooole lot to digest. yes, it's the celebration of the summer i missed and will probably be missing a lot more as the years go by. it's also a wake up call, time is asking me to just shut up and let it go. ;)

i shall not dwell on sadness or anything else that will make me counterproductive. instead, i shall think of the bright side and bask in the emptiness of--well--feeling empty relieved for a minute.

it honestly took a bit of a while to swallow the truth i just saw [that's what i get for going ninja on that person]. hahaha. :) lesson learned--i shall not investigate anymore. especially when it involves matters of the heart. ;) 

and it kind of doesn't help if your mom thinks you go out and have dates when really, you study your behind off. i swear, it's not even funny.

i will get my happiness, soon. just you wait. ;)

closing time

last day things. will be back when all is done. i'll miss you, teammates and batch12! :)

There's a sad sort of clanging from the clock in the hall

And the bells in the steeple, too

And up in the nursery an absurd little bird

Is popping out to say coo-coo

(Coo-coo, coo-coo)

Regretfully they tell us, but firmly they compel us

to say goodbye to you

So long, farewell Auf Wiedersehen, goodnight

I hate to go and leave this pretty sight

So long, farewell Auf Wiedersehen, adieu

Adieu, adieu to you and you and you

So long, farewell Au revoir, Auf Weidersehen

I'd like to stay and taste my first champagne

So long, farewell Auf Weidersehen, goodbye

I leave and heave a sigh and say goodbye

Goodbye

I'm glad to go I cannot tell a lie

I flit, I float I fleetly flee, I fly

The sun has gone to bed and so must I

So long, farewell Auf Weidersehen, goodbye

Goodbye

Goodbye

Goodbye

Goodbye

5 years

well, hello there, food pyramid. you look scary. (0_o)

invictus

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

- William Ernest Henley (1849–1903)

the root of all inspiration

This poem has been one of the things that stuck with me throughout my life. I think I remember this being declaimed back in grade school, and the tagline instantly glued to my being. It served as my inspiration, and my assurance that I am special in my own way.

Allow me to share one of the works of the renowned Maya Angelou:

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.

I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size

But when I start to tell them,

They think I'm telling lies.

I say,

It's in the reach of my arms

The span of my hips,

The stride of my step,

The curl of my lips.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

I walk into a room

Just as cool as you please,

And to a man,

The fellows stand or

Fall down on their knees.

Then they swarm around me,

A hive of honey bees.

I say,

It's the fire in my eyes,

And the flash of my teeth,

The swing in my waist,

And the joy in my feet.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

Men themselves have wondered

What they see in me.

They try so much

But they can't touch

My inner mystery.

When I try to show them

They say they still can't see.

I say,

It's in the arch of my back,

The sun of my smile,

The ride of my breasts,

The grace of my style.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

Now you understand

Just why my head's not bowed.

I don't shout or jump about

Or have to talk real loud.

When you see me passing

It ought to make you proud.

I say,

It's in the click of my heels,

The bend of my hair,

the palm of my hand,

The need of my care,

'Cause I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

summer?

i wonder how i'll be savoring the last few days of summer i'll have... i'll have exactly 7 days to do EVERYTHING before crash course summer starts again.

i sooooo want to go to the beach!!! i really don't care anymore if i'm not beach perfect. i just want to bask in the sun and get a serious tan :D i remember how i suuuuuuper made sure Torrevieja gave me just that--i literally allowed myself to be scorched by the unforgiving Spanish sun, all of course, for vanity's sake. ;)

now, i'm stuck with work [AND in school, for that matter], and i don't even enjoy it anymore. :( i just want to lie on the sand and not care. even for just ONE day. i wannaaaaaaaa. :(

*sigh*

i want to plan something post-transumm with my batchmates. and everybody wants to do something, that i'm sure of. problem is, nobody's starting to plan. it's all ideas, no one's acting on it. shall i get the ball rolling? i want my summer escapade, even for just one day. one very, very memorable day.

i will get the thing i have always wanted my summer to include. no matter what the stakes, i shall beach! just you wait. ;)

don't panic, it's organic!

it took a bit of a while before our transumm group *finally* bonded.

the apprehensions and the formal-ness everyone felt towards each other seemingly dissolved and everything became fun and friendly.

i have no idea why, but something just clicked. and then we were a team. a seafood organic team. :) and so the circle of trust was formed, bridging gaps and making things alright. we crazy, we fun, we we we so excited. :)

maybe i'll regret saying this in a year, or probably along my path as i go through med school. but one thing's for sure: i am happy now. right at this moment. for i have friends-slash-organicmates i can trust to do the work with me--dirty or not, that is. ;)

analogies

when i am deviant, i do not defy; i express.

when i am blunt, i do not offend; i educate.

when i am self-absorbed, i do not neglect; i reflect.

when i am mean, i do not try to impress; i test.

when i create, i do not ruin; i experiment.

when i style, i do not mock; i innovate.

when i say ill things, i do not demean; i describe.

when i have that tone, i do not condescend; i clarify.

when i bitch out, i do not lose tact; i am honest.

when i choose to be alone, i do not ignore; i detach.

when i help, i do not quantify; i provide.

when i advise, i do not aim to change; i enlighten.

when i trust, i do not doubt; I BELIEVE.

when i feel, i am not selfish; i am true.
when i make choices, i do not overlook; i prioritize.

when i love, i do not measure; i give my heart.

when i cry, i am not weakened; i am hurt.

when i have been hurt, i do not forget.

i may forgive with my entirety--

but i will always remember.

dream come true ♥

i was not at all hopeless. i knew, in my heart, that it would happen. no matter how long it took, no matter what the stakes. i believed, since i was young. i still do. :)


when you wish upon a star, your dreams come true. ♥

i started being what i envisioned myself to be on april 7th. :) although it's officially only been 11 days, my heart has been captured by my dream since day one. i would marvel at the hectares of land i saw on mornings when i was brought to school last, and walked your halls when both my brothers graduated. i screamed my lungs out in every game, jumped for joy and squirmed whenever we would be up against our biggest rivals. you literally got my heart pounding, even if it's just on tv. family days, sportsfests and those milo best summer camps were no exception. prep, grade school, high school, college. yes, you may have broken my heart once, but my blood has always been blue. :) and you gave me something better now. :)

monday will be the commencement of one of the best and worst years of my life. and i am prepared to start my life anew.

I BELIEVE.

always have, always will. :)

from 2am to 3am :)

i breathe, just breathe...

and then i miss you, rob thomas. <3