the last piece

i can never understand why certain things are just taken away from you. it must be part of the higher plan, or perhaps just bad luck that moves you towards a certain place and time when all you can do is, well--nothing.

it hurts that it took quite a bit for everything to fall into place. and now, barely a month after, it ended just as easily as it started. it only had to take two letters-- U.P.


at the exact moment i found out about this transition, the blood drained from my entirety and i was unable to speak. caught off guard, to say the least, but really, it was something more than that. i was defeated, though the game never really belonged to my hands. no one was to blame but chance. but what could i do? i had learned to love my dears long ago, and the only thing i could do was to allow fate to dictate our futures and let go.

you see, i thought i already have. i shed tears and tried my hardest to be strong, to believe in the possibility that everything will go as planned--as WE planned it. somehow, i knew what would happen, but i chose to BELiEVE blindly. i hoped against hope and fought the idea of losing a friend and a colleague. but a few hours ago, nothing could have prepared me for the reality that just slapped me in the face.

one of my allies is leaving. :'(

it is actually surprising that i did not pursue to blame chance or fate or whatever thing i chose to blame. instead, i wailed for hours until i ran out of tears. that's it. no questions, no doubts. just the sheer resignation to my fate--OUR fate for the next 5 years of our lives.

in truth, it shattered my heart. the heart i carefully rebuilt out of the fragments of what previously broke me. it tore it apart easily, with an intensity just as strong as what courage i needed to pick myself up again. it immobilized me and made me take a while longer to regain composure to plan the last hurrah we as friends were going to take.

i always delayed my replies because it was hard for me to accept it without a fight. but i knew long ago that this battle was over. so, with a torn heart, i begin to let go.

it's very sad to lose someone you've grown to love, especially since i am not only losing a friend but an ally, a confidante, a good sport, an Organic. like i said, when i grow to love people, i give my all. and my group has never been given less of my all.

with a sad smile, i bid my friend "see you later," and hope that med school life in another university treats him well. you will certainly be missed, Eman, and we wish you nothing but success in this alternate path you will traverse. BELiEVE that you have neither failed me nor our group. like i said, we are very proud of you for making it there. you already. :) Always remember that love ka ng One Organic, kasi *good sport* ka. :) we'll always be here for you. see you around :)

       

oh well :)

the past weekend gave me a whooooole lot to digest. yes, it's the celebration of the summer i missed and will probably be missing a lot more as the years go by. it's also a wake up call, time is asking me to just shut up and let it go. ;)

i shall not dwell on sadness or anything else that will make me counterproductive. instead, i shall think of the bright side and bask in the emptiness of--well--feeling empty relieved for a minute.

it honestly took a bit of a while to swallow the truth i just saw [that's what i get for going ninja on that person]. hahaha. :) lesson learned--i shall not investigate anymore. especially when it involves matters of the heart. ;) 

and it kind of doesn't help if your mom thinks you go out and have dates when really, you study your behind off. i swear, it's not even funny.

i will get my happiness, soon. just you wait. ;)

closing time

last day things. will be back when all is done. i'll miss you, teammates and batch12! :)

There's a sad sort of clanging from the clock in the hall

And the bells in the steeple, too

And up in the nursery an absurd little bird

Is popping out to say coo-coo

(Coo-coo, coo-coo)

Regretfully they tell us, but firmly they compel us

to say goodbye to you

So long, farewell Auf Wiedersehen, goodnight

I hate to go and leave this pretty sight

So long, farewell Auf Wiedersehen, adieu

Adieu, adieu to you and you and you

So long, farewell Au revoir, Auf Weidersehen

I'd like to stay and taste my first champagne

So long, farewell Auf Weidersehen, goodbye

I leave and heave a sigh and say goodbye

Goodbye

I'm glad to go I cannot tell a lie

I flit, I float I fleetly flee, I fly

The sun has gone to bed and so must I

So long, farewell Auf Weidersehen, goodbye

Goodbye

Goodbye

Goodbye

Goodbye

5 years

well, hello there, food pyramid. you look scary. (0_o)

invictus

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

- William Ernest Henley (1849–1903)

the root of all inspiration

This poem has been one of the things that stuck with me throughout my life. I think I remember this being declaimed back in grade school, and the tagline instantly glued to my being. It served as my inspiration, and my assurance that I am special in my own way.

Allow me to share one of the works of the renowned Maya Angelou:

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.

I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size

But when I start to tell them,

They think I'm telling lies.

I say,

It's in the reach of my arms

The span of my hips,

The stride of my step,

The curl of my lips.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

I walk into a room

Just as cool as you please,

And to a man,

The fellows stand or

Fall down on their knees.

Then they swarm around me,

A hive of honey bees.

I say,

It's the fire in my eyes,

And the flash of my teeth,

The swing in my waist,

And the joy in my feet.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

Men themselves have wondered

What they see in me.

They try so much

But they can't touch

My inner mystery.

When I try to show them

They say they still can't see.

I say,

It's in the arch of my back,

The sun of my smile,

The ride of my breasts,

The grace of my style.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

Now you understand

Just why my head's not bowed.

I don't shout or jump about

Or have to talk real loud.

When you see me passing

It ought to make you proud.

I say,

It's in the click of my heels,

The bend of my hair,

the palm of my hand,

The need of my care,

'Cause I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

summer?

i wonder how i'll be savoring the last few days of summer i'll have... i'll have exactly 7 days to do EVERYTHING before crash course summer starts again.

i sooooo want to go to the beach!!! i really don't care anymore if i'm not beach perfect. i just want to bask in the sun and get a serious tan :D i remember how i suuuuuuper made sure Torrevieja gave me just that--i literally allowed myself to be scorched by the unforgiving Spanish sun, all of course, for vanity's sake. ;)

now, i'm stuck with work [AND in school, for that matter], and i don't even enjoy it anymore. :( i just want to lie on the sand and not care. even for just ONE day. i wannaaaaaaaa. :(

*sigh*

i want to plan something post-transumm with my batchmates. and everybody wants to do something, that i'm sure of. problem is, nobody's starting to plan. it's all ideas, no one's acting on it. shall i get the ball rolling? i want my summer escapade, even for just one day. one very, very memorable day.

i will get the thing i have always wanted my summer to include. no matter what the stakes, i shall beach! just you wait. ;)

don't panic, it's organic!

it took a bit of a while before our transumm group *finally* bonded.

the apprehensions and the formal-ness everyone felt towards each other seemingly dissolved and everything became fun and friendly.

i have no idea why, but something just clicked. and then we were a team. a seafood organic team. :) and so the circle of trust was formed, bridging gaps and making things alright. we crazy, we fun, we we we so excited. :)

maybe i'll regret saying this in a year, or probably along my path as i go through med school. but one thing's for sure: i am happy now. right at this moment. for i have friends-slash-organicmates i can trust to do the work with me--dirty or not, that is. ;)

analogies

when i am deviant, i do not defy; i express.

when i am blunt, i do not offend; i educate.

when i am self-absorbed, i do not neglect; i reflect.

when i am mean, i do not try to impress; i test.

when i create, i do not ruin; i experiment.

when i style, i do not mock; i innovate.

when i say ill things, i do not demean; i describe.

when i have that tone, i do not condescend; i clarify.

when i bitch out, i do not lose tact; i am honest.

when i choose to be alone, i do not ignore; i detach.

when i help, i do not quantify; i provide.

when i advise, i do not aim to change; i enlighten.

when i trust, i do not doubt; I BELIEVE.

when i feel, i am not selfish; i am true.
when i make choices, i do not overlook; i prioritize.

when i love, i do not measure; i give my heart.

when i cry, i am not weakened; i am hurt.

when i have been hurt, i do not forget.

i may forgive with my entirety--

but i will always remember.

dream come true ♥

i was not at all hopeless. i knew, in my heart, that it would happen. no matter how long it took, no matter what the stakes. i believed, since i was young. i still do. :)


when you wish upon a star, your dreams come true. ♥

i started being what i envisioned myself to be on april 7th. :) although it's officially only been 11 days, my heart has been captured by my dream since day one. i would marvel at the hectares of land i saw on mornings when i was brought to school last, and walked your halls when both my brothers graduated. i screamed my lungs out in every game, jumped for joy and squirmed whenever we would be up against our biggest rivals. you literally got my heart pounding, even if it's just on tv. family days, sportsfests and those milo best summer camps were no exception. prep, grade school, high school, college. yes, you may have broken my heart once, but my blood has always been blue. :) and you gave me something better now. :)

monday will be the commencement of one of the best and worst years of my life. and i am prepared to start my life anew.

I BELIEVE.

always have, always will. :)

from 2am to 3am :)

i breathe, just breathe...

and then i miss you, rob thomas. <3

friday is roadtrip day

i had just finished celmol class and was bumming around school when i saw the ls bookstore tarps. they looked like fun stuff [plus, i had time to kill and didn't really want to go through the immediate commute back home IN THAT HEAT], so i decided to check things out.

as i was scouring the aisles, looking for something spontaneously perfect, i got a message from my high school friend jules. she wanted to go greenhills and chill, and, being the spontaneous glory that i am, i obliged. on the condition that she would pick me up, of course. ;)

and then there were calls and confirmation messages and small talk, and finally, i was waiting for her to arrive. when i received the message that she had indeed reached my destination, she went, "i'm here na. ateneo med."

O. M. G. :))

i had specifically told her that i was in loyola, but i guess she didn't catch that. so we laughed it off, clarified things and i waited again.

i had purchased a pretty little lanyard and had edited it with a rubber attachment from my old one. and then, since i didn't have a book with me to distract me from the terrible heat, i plugged in my in-ears and blasted summer covers from my nano video as i took in the landscape of the gesu. i sat on one of those plastic benches at the front area of xavier hall and had my back turned against the road my dear friend was going to come from.

and then i felt a sudden, almost-bruising pain in my right shoulder. OUCH.

being the crazy dorks that we are, we fell into a high-pitched excited hug that always happens when we see each other. jules and i sat and marveled at the lifestyle changes we had just gone through since we celebrated mine and jen's birthdays last february. happy thoughts were shared, until we decided to get going.

there was a sudden shift in like when jules declared it was actually her burger day that day. she had been checking out burger place reviews online [like i said, dorky. ;p] and wanted to experience something new. so a trek to the burger project in maginhawa street was in order.

i remembered that quaint place we chilled at a weekend ago [if i'm not mistaken], van gogh is bipolar, and remembered that it was somewhere near there. since we were already in the spirit of new experiences, why not, right? :)

sadly, though, it was still closed [we were there at effing 12noon, hello!] so we just decided to burger away and head to katipunan for dessert. :)

in the semi-pileup that is midday traffic, we gabbed on and did some catching up as we passed a series of twists and turns [it was elliptical road, i think?] to get to teacher's village. after crazy laughter, too-much-heat headaches and re-exploring music from high school courtesy of julieta's old cds, this is the interesting sign that greeted us when we finally reached the finish line:

interesting ;)

it was exciting and such a fun experience, because we were both new to it. so we did the tiny clipboard thing, and then suddenly decided we would get one of those specialty burgers instead. now, let me introduce you to the Western Bacon Melt:

*drool*

check out all that angus goodness, slathered with just the right smokey-sweet barbecue sauce, bacon, melted cheese, tomatoes and breaded onion rings [surprisingly yummy!] on a sesame seed bun. given that it was a little too large-and-in-charge for our wonder-filled beings, we decided to split it and get a sloppy side of spicy buffalo wings with a tiny tub of ranch to balance it all out :)

*mmmmmmm*

and as soon as our plates hit the table, the signal gun was fired and it was time to devour our newly-discovered goodness. :) when i tried a bit of the saucy wings, though, something strangely familiar greeted me. i was trying to pinpoint that sauce it tasted like, but was so excited with the heat that i momentarily dismissed the thought.

and then it hit me: SUNSHINE!!! :D the buffalo wings had that thick jamaican pattie hot sauce which i loved and piled on my pattie when noc and i celebrated faith's birthday late last year [backtrack to that entry here].

*happy dancing* now, lemme add another recipe to my culinary agenda. :)

after that fat-infested hour, we decided to drive to UP before heading to the dessert place. we wanted to find a new and interesting place to kill time at, but ended up parking near palma and walking our satisfied asses off.

some unidentified object hit the car roof and julieta froze. when we got out of the car, i noticed the ginormous tree with oddly-shaped fruits hanging from its branches right above our parking space. as soon as i pointed that out, though, julieta panicked and quickly transferred slots.

better to be safe than sorry. LOL *parking memories*

it was a long time since i last explored UP [or since i EVER tried exploring it], and a lot has changed--at least that's what i think. the trees formed a sort of shed for everything on the road to be protected from the angry sun, and, i must admit, it looked pretty amazing. :) this is the sad photo julieta took that didn't quite justify how interesting it looked to me:

near the tennis court, i have NO idea what place this is. heehee :))

and because it was TOO hot, we decided to forgo riding the ikot and just walk around, experiencing the scenery. along the way, we discussed the actual location of the sunken garden--among other things--and, frustratingly, never really got that resolved. we weren't from there, so we gave a good laugh at how crazy the conversation might have sounded to people who overheard [or for those picnic-king authentics, as jules called them, by the sunken field, for that matter. lol].

after my geometric principles on walking [the shortest way between two points is a line--kudos to ate myls for teaching me that], and because my right ankle hurt really bad, complements of the sprain i've had since forever, we left UP and made a beeline for dessert heaven. but we didn't find gayuma [another craving] and went around in circles. and since we didn't want to move around the nooks and crannies of katipunan to get to the ateneo or even conti's and chill there, we went to the banapple katipunan on the other side to get julieta's sweet tooth satisfied. and because this was her first visit, i suggested a basic crowd-pleaser:

Banoffee pie :)

and because i was an almost regular, i deviated and got something equally mouth-watering:

Oreo Fudge Brownie Cheesecake <3 

we were too full of stories and food and everything else funny and wonderful, and we talked endlessly about everything under the sun [painfully literally. and figuratively]. and when i realized i had work that night and julieta had to dodge traffic going back home, we called it a day and it was the end of our adventure. :) so the search is on!!! :)

rockstar! :D

hell yeah, Callie!!! :)

All of these lines across my face / Tell you the story of who I am / So many stories of where I've been / And how I got to where I am / But these stories don't mean anything / When you've got no one to tell them to / It's true, I was made for you / I climbed across the mountaintops / Travel across the ocean blue / I cross over lines and I broke all the rules / And baby, I broke them all for you / Oh because even when I was flat broke / You made me feel like a million bucks / You do, I was made for you / You see the smile that's on my mouth / It's hiding the words that don't come out / All of the friends who think that I'm blessed / They don't know my head is a mess / 

No, they don't know who I really am / And they don't know what I've been through / Like you do, and I was made for you / All of these lines across my face / Tell you the story of who I am / So many stories of where I've been  / And how I got to where I am / Oh, but these stories don't mean anything / When you've got no one to tell them to / It's true, I was made for you / Oh yeah, and it's true that I was made for you...

midnight mercato

weeeeee Off beat :)

just when i thought i was gonna spend another lazy leave day stuck at home, kuya sees me run off to the loo and bellows from his room, asking me if i had work that fateful friday night. of course, with a tiny smirk, i say "no, i don't" and await the next lines he'd throw. and then he asks if i wanted to go to the midnight mercato. my sleepy brain instantly went DUHHH and i coolly answered, "okay, in a minute" and made a beeline for the loo, quickly showered, and was nice and chill after a couple of minutes. :)

given that this was my maiden voyage to anything mercato centrale, i was definitely excited to see all the wonderful goodness that would kill me in more ways than one. and so the sojourn began with a flurry of crazy overtakes and ex-squeeze me moments until we got to the first destination: manang's chicken. :)

the line was looong, good Lord, and all we wanted to get were 2 glasses of freshly brewed pandan iced tea for the walk. so we waited -- ho-humm -- and finally got the iced tea and went on our way. kuya wanted me to scour the entirety of the tents before i made a decision, but lectured me on all the crispy-licious saucy goodness of manang's chicken.

okay, fine. so we're getting that. ;)

so we walked and squeezed in and did the whole nine yards. despite the almost workout that was finding a space to walk on, though, i still couldn't take that image out of my head:

ooey gooey giant cheese sticks from Off beat

since i originally thought they were mexican somethings, i wanted to get them badly. kuya hates mexican food [i have NO idea why], so that's a no. but i wanted them anyway, and being the good big brother that he is, we got them still ;)

a few minutes after, we realized they weren't actually mexican babies and found out they were giant cheese sticks. so kuya relaxed and i got my treat. :) there was a minute, though, when i semi-screamed at the poor boy preparing our cheese-infested goodness, because he was holding the ginormous mayo-filled squeeze bottle over the food. kuya let me go "WAAAAAIT!" and i asked what that white thing was. and because it was mayo [yechhh], it was definitely OUT of the question. :p

and as i waited and had fun checking out the sights, i got my Twilight moment [i tweaked the photo a bit so i'd look less pale and more human ;)]. and here's my lady-in-waiting photo:

as you can see, there were other things being served by these guys. and i checked them out while waiting for my delightful giants :) and, lo and behold, the things i DIDN'T eat: 

glazed doughnuts --obviously Krispy Kremes-- for bread [which i thought were bagels! ugh] and all the love inside. 

yikes to the BACON FAT that's slipping and sliding riiight there. #killmenow

i would eat this, ONLY without the bacon fat and with actual bagels for bread. *death*

moving on to the next victim.

burger patties that looked really inviting, sans the sliced BACON FAT that totally ruined everything for me.


can you say death by cholesterol? yechhh.

so, of of course, i didn't get that. ;) i just took my giant cheese sticks and we ran along. :)

we got another round of drinks-- fruit shakes this time --before the hard part of actually deciding on what to eat. kuya asked me to find seats while he queued for manang's chicken, and i asked him to get me the extra spicy sauce on the side [because he's not too much into intensely spicy things] instead. and so i went into the tent with the a/c [i reeked of grilled-ness already, thank you very much] and found a sweet spot and *finally* got to sit down. :) and when the manang's chicken arrived, yay! :D 'twas time to eat! :D

Happy Camper <3

sadly, though, the moist chocolate, vanilla-frosted muffins were sold out, so, boo-hoo to the dessert junkie. :( someday, when i return, i shall conquer that 9-piece box of vanilla frosted, moist chocolate muffins. *drool*

AND sooooo, i will definitely go back. ;) i'm feeling a little barx night out-slash-food frenzy soon. :D

73 pesos of happiness :)

it started with a spontaneous promise over brunch. well, a dare, actually. :p

so the dare included ate bing [our helper] accompanying me to the market right then and there to get stuff for what randomness i blurted out that i'd prepare for mum's post-birthday. everyone laughed, of course, because it seemed absurd [and because they didn't believe i'd actually go marketing]. but hey, i stand by my dares. ;)

and then it rained.

resigned to my fate, i found myself glued to Facebook, Tweetdeck, and editing-slash-uploading Midnight Mercato photos. half of me wanted the market trip to cease, but then i heard my name called, and ate bing said she's ready to leave.

so WTH. off to the market we go.

i was planning on wearing flipflops, but then the thought of gross--dirty, bacteria-infested wet market puddled floors with murky-water-that-splash-on-your-legs-when-you-wear-inappropriate-footwear came to mind. so, no. flips were out of the question. and so were jeans or anything else long.

and off we went, with a couple of things in mind. i actually missed going to the market, mainly because it's been too long since i last saw the inside of a wet market. the past times i'd shopped for ingredients for things i cooked were in big, air-conditioned supermarkets. so imagine the excitement. :D

it was quieter when we got there, [it was past noon, after all.] and most of the stalls left were those of fruits and vegetables. just like any old market, every stall had the same thing, and it was your duty as a buyer to scout for the best finds with the lowest price.

it was exciting to see everything just there, and so cheap at that. and i ended up buying waaaaaay more than i needed [which is fine, cz i can always cook the same snack thing anytime this week :)]. and after scouring the stands, i ended up with these ingredients:

cheese blocks, lumpia wrapper and green chilis :D

this is really just part of what i bought. remember, everything was just too much for one cooking session because we overestimated portions. oh well. i might do this again sooner than i think anyway. ;) maybe later? heehee. :p

and after minutes of OCness...

ta-daaaaaaaahhh!!! :D

well, hello there, cholesterol. :))

glee's anatomy. lol :D

http://tv.yahoo.com/blog/everything-you-need-to-know-about-the-greys-anatomy-musical-episode--2648

lovelovelove :)

whirlwind summer

in a nutshell, i just love how the Maker moves in perfect timing. :) the arduous struggle of a two-month wait finally materialized, and it's just GREAT. :) thank you to everyone who believed and prayed on my behalf, i will forever love and be grateful for you all. :)

it's just soooo overwhelming that people are happy for this turnaround. i love how i'm being supported by the people i love. again, i can never be thankful enough.

it's such a rush! intent letter, reg, confirmation, follow-up here, update there. then i go and have myself politely transferred and wait for the development while i deal with other things. i'm so GV it makes my heart go aflutter :)

i guess i've never been so excited to do summer school. like what kuya said, if you know, you KNOW. that no-breathmark decision is one helluva ride.

"oh yes, it's true... I WAS MADE FOR YOU." ;)

because of the groundbreaking clinical trials

i get a lot of grub from watching Grey's Anatomy. i mean, seriously.

in the episode where meredith had to choose which "groundbreaking clinical trial" she would want to be part of [alzheimer's vs. type 1 diabetes], there was a tiny line cristina threw at her: "it's sophie's choice." and i am more than intrigued by this because it wasn't something i knew right off the bat.

and so i researched, and researched. and, finally, checked multiple websites and got my answer.

though i haven't watched the entire film yet, this is something i would definitely look forward to seeing. i was not able to go visit the concentration camps and the holocaust museum when we were in Berlin, and it's one of the things i probably will be sad about for a long time. but, i'll be sure to go there next time when i go back. meanwhile, let me just share some heartwrenching tidbits i got from youtube...

tears of an angel

so one of these years, i promise myself i will get to watch this film.

the inspiration

after multiple bashes at my entirety, i found a pretty little thing in the world known to us as youtube. and because i'm bored, why don't i share some of my musings?

summer: old school vs. the present

growing up: old school vs. my time

and i guess there'll be more analogies that'll hit me sometime soon. but this is all for now. *heehee*

livin' la vida loca

Dear SUMMER,

Someday, I will actually experience the real essence of celebrating you.

Love, Jai :)