Lech. Lech. Lech. Lech. Lech!!!!!

amidst the excitement of the upcoming block-slash-friends' party, i am still reeking of negative energy. why? i don't know. hah. whatever, man.

i hope everything goes well. :)

hahaha... i don't know why i'm freaking myself out over simple things, but, hell, i don't care. all i want is to sort out everything inside my mind.

please give me peace.

grr.

what the--???

grrr... the song?!?! reminiscient of the "gang's" old mis-adventures... hello, bakit pa ba... grr.

letters and dreams...

it still sucks to think that serious talk with some people will forever remain in the depths of every letter ever written to that person. oh well. some people are just pain in the behinds, cz they treat everything as a joke. ahem... generally speaking, of course.

yeah, right, jai.

anyways, whatever. this is how things are, so, jai, deal with it. :p

i have a culinary demo tomorrow afternoon, for pogi points for a certain someone. oh yes, it kind of freaks me out, knowing that this definitely makes it to the top 10 dumbest things ever done by yours truly, but hell--i'll take this over the guilt trip, thank you very much. jist? this demo is geared to winning over a friend's heart... by someone i used to know.

mental, huh?

just a thought: are letters made by women to the opposite gender always meant to be sapul? am just curious. and... why the crap do people pretend not to care when they really do? hayyy... it's probably for the best, considering the present sitution.

what could be more important that getting your life back on track? i'm currently stumped of all ideas. is this just thinking too much or am i really crazy to clutter my mind of all the pathetic obssessions i can possibly think of dealing with right now? i'm not sure. hell, now i'm more convinced that i am indeed dysfunctional.

like hell, i am.

dear 'bessy' has just told me she most probably can't make it tomorrow afternoon. now i'm going to be stuck with judgmental folks and live in utter embarrassment for the rest of my presently pitiful life. oh crap. so much for being cool.

anyway, i'll probably just go with the flow tomorrow. i'm doing him the favor, so he better shut up. or else. haha.

it still never ceases to amaze me how blissfully ignorant most humans are. yes, i may be among those merry men at times, but, i proudly declaim that the operative word in that statement is sometimes. hah. i'm good.

i hope my exit makes a statement... will it be considered submission? loss? resignment? i don't know. what's clear is that things are about to change. things WILL change. soon. i'm sorry, bessy, this is how it has to be. all comments and/or opinions aside, this is what i will have to do. so... world, wish me luck. it was nice knowing each and every one of you.

"i say, therefore, i am."

now's the right time to think that.

broken in silence...

hello, world.

yes, i'm feeling sad today. why? because i wasn't able to see my friend. too bad i can't go out anymore... it's just that i miss this girly girl so much, and i know she's feeling crappy right now, wherever she is. most probably, she is again ostracized by freaking people who treat her as if she's dirt.

awww... grr.

if only i wasn't 'illegally detained,' i'd accompany her until later tonight. hmph. if only.
i hope things are fine with her, though. she's been through the best of hell just recently, and i so want to help her feel better. for some reason, our sad moments always coincide with each other. we have the same bad days, and [usually] the same good days.Ü that's what's good, actually. at least we get to feel for each other. right now, though, i feel for her more... she'll be stuck with people who treat her like crap, with the sole exception of one being---who should be busy right now because of another person... so, technically, she'll be alone... no matter what people may say or do, she won't feel at ease anytime soon around them---because of certain things only WE can understand.

i really feel bad that i can't go anywhere else today... just when someone needs me so bad...

haaayyy... :'c

***by the way, happy birthday stel dear... miss you, girl.***

strange...

yes, people, things are strange.

as much as we all would want things to be 'normal,' they just can't be like that. for some reason, the Lord gives us way too much to think about--- oftentimes, we are obliged to do the understanding, and, in some lucky cases, we get to be pampered and understood.Ü

i know, i know. vague as ever again, huh?

doi.

anyways, my world has again turned upside down. i'm getting on with my life, yes, but, along with the coping stuff, i got a lot of other things i wasn't initially asking for.

after a very 'eventful' (if there is such a word) 6 months, i got sucked into another world i never imagined i would be in--- college(okay, fine. yes... among other things--er, worlds.). so, okay, it's not like i don't like it, but it's freaky as hell. but i don't care. i'm savoring every tiny bit of it.Ü

to get to my point, things are really strange. it's SO funny how things happen in the most unexpected way, and in the most unexpected moment. who would've thought that my life's most recent 'transition' would bring me unexpressable happiness? i don't know... for some reason, i feel like the loss i feel for suddenly not being with my closest cousin has been compensated for by another good friend. i'm not implying that my heart's space for my dear cuz has been filled by my other newfound 'bessy,' but, the blow of not having someone to talk to has seemingly been decreased as i've bonded with different people.

okay, so, it's just amazing that things are turning out fine for me now.Ü yeehah!Ü i'm not THAT happy, but, i know i can pull this off.Ü

so, on to the more complicated side of my slightly-improved happy life...

let's just put it this way: amidst the galaxy of happiness and contentment lies a black hole of confusion. i know i shouldn't be complicating things more for myself, but i can't help it. every single time i find my life getting back to how it used to be, in comes another concern, and then... i'm gone... obssess, obssess, obssess.

yes, i know. AGAIN:

RELAX. SEE A MOVIE.

ahh, whatever. blah, blah, blah. change topic.

one song keeps popping into my head since around 6pm tonight: Because Of You. Kyla's version. why? i don't know. reminiscient of old times, perhaps? not really. it's just constantly bombarding my already nerve-wracked brain. crap.

it's been so long since i last updated this blog. yes, anyatots, hindi na po ako nakakapag-update. though nakakatouch naman that you constanly check the developments of my dysfunctional world.Ü love you lots, dear!Ü

doi. it would have to take a miracle for me to be able to update the rest of civilization with everything that's happened to me for the past few weeks. i always say that, huh? but that's what's real, eh. it's tasking and insignificant to most of you anyway.

so, okay. i end my blabber here. until my next entry.Ü

hmmm... who would've thought?

who would've thought that today would be a good day?

no one. doi.

anyways, yadda, yadda, yadda. so today was great. big deal.

actually, it's a big deal for me. [am i a freak or what? i just keep on contradicting myself.] hah. wala lang, i just think that today's 'accomplishments' will be a foreshadowing of a 'calmer' tomorrow. i'm just a little relieved that people aren't turning mental on me.

that's good, right?

it just freaks me out that things happen so fast. it's like, one day, all of my friends and i are fine, and then now, most of them are freaking out. what's the deal? i thought they understood each other. and then there's this other thing about a girl we just started hanging out with, and then now, she doesn't even text us, cz she thinks we hate her guts. huh?! get real, man. what happened between her ex-boyfriend and our friend didn't have ANYTHING to do with her. it's just that her ex's an ******* and we can't stand him. too bad she's sooo in love with him.

oh well. to each his own.

hay nako. if only i can scream my lungs out now... i can't seem to write [er--type] everything i want to now... i have to let this out in another way...

basta, i'm happy today.

for some reason.

and it has nothing to do with the things i typed above.

vague, huh?

it's been a while...

wow. after 10 days pala, ha. cool.Ü

ouch.

wala lang.Ü hahaÜ

i had a super fun day today.Ü the 'girl group' has officially increased its number, and 2 new friends have come to life.Ü now, it's the pretty ones against the rest of the judgmental world. hah! :p

i learned [more!Ü] how to play billiards today.Ü cool teachers.Ü hahaÜ

okay, whatever. on to the serious stuff.

it's funny how much your perception of a person can change with just a few hours of bonding time with that particular human being.Ü this girl was actually so irritated at me when we first met, because she thought i was being a bitch to her. after a few days, though, we became extremely close after a couple of hours of chatting like crazy because we were stuck inside a friend's car together with no one else around.Ü it turns out, we had SO much to talk about, and SO much to be happy being friends about.Ü oh yes, we were both surprised that our personalities actually clicked, and that we would actually become really comfortable with each other.Ü mental, huh?Ü

the same case is true with the rest of the girly gang.Ü heehee...Ü at first, one of us was exaggely [if there is such a word] uncomfortable with me because she thought i hated her for accompanying one of my friends. which is why when i took a seat across her[she thought i would be bitchy to her because i'm allegedly 'irritated' at her], she kept on texting... and texting... AND TEXTING... and didn't talk to me unless i asked a question or whatever. after Lord knows how long, and the others started arriving, she suddenly admitted that she felt wildly uncomfortable speaking to me because she thinks i hate her guts. what the--? oh well. then, okay. true confessions followed, with all of us admitting that we were scared, uncomfortable, intimidated, irritated, et cetera, of each one of us initially. haha!Ü and now, we're all almost inseperable!Ü

funny!Ü

oh well. hmm... makes me think that maybe, this 'transition' is going to be more of an advantage for me, because i gained new friends, and i've TRULY seen the 'sides' of other people. good for me, huh?Ü at least i don't regret anything.Ü what matters is that i'm fine, and that i'll live.Ü

suddenly, i realize that i love my life so much after all.Ü

"...there's a rainbow always after the rain..."

 

DAY ONE: Sunday, 18 July 2004

curse this stupid format!!! the entire post i was previously typing got erased in ONE pressing of the blasted backspace button!!!

crap. now, no recap for you. grr.

:'c ..tears.. :'c

i can't understand myself. am i happy or am i sad? i don't really know.

crap. now i'm confused.

'one day more' has again, ceased to exist. oh well. there's still tomorrow. seriously, if this isn't dealt with tomorrow, i am gonna freak. i have to know what's next. i have to know what i'm--we're--supposed to do after all the crap we got ourselves in. it wouldn't hurt to clear some things, right?

so, tomorrow should be THE day.

i still can't understand myself. i should be bawling over some sad ending right now, thinking that my life has again turned into a living hell, but i'm not. i'm starting to think that i'm okay now, but really, i'm not... i guess it's really hard to get over these things, but sometimes, you just learn to momentarily forget about the crap you've recently been through just to get through a day. this coping tactic thing is weird. oh well. to each his own.

to be continued.

visions of a sunset...

kaya pala i so had the urge to write something under this title before pa...

nga naman... oh well. i guess the present situation passes for an upcoming sunset, eh? well, actually... the sun has already set. the sunrise, though, will not be seen for a little while. oh well. this is a start.

i always thought the idea of 'loving from afar' is nuts. i mean, yes, i know that's sad, but still... i just can't understand why people can't get over themselves and just tell the person they love how they feel.

well, now i do.

it's not because we love to get hurt, but because it's the best thing for the rest of the world. you may end up in tears every night for the rest of your life, but that saves you from the hell you'll be in when you go on with what you think is right.

i used to think that i could throw something i've invested on for a while that easily. you know--- without any emotional attachments, bad feelings, or whatever. but i was wrong. it turns out, i'm not as heartless as i once thought i was.

so much for being an actress.

i guess [and i'll never stop guessing]... there's just a point in your life when you realize so much. so much, to the extent of practically being ready to lose everything you have because of feeling useless. yes, it's unfair. i should be the one angry here, but i chose not to be. is this stupidity? martyrdom? or, as i've said before, shitheadedness? i don't know. what matters is that I CARE. enough to see the loss through something.

i don't want to feel regretful about this whole deal, because that would only mean i never wanted this to happen in the beginning. i mean, yes, i knew the inevitability of 'certain' things, but... i guess i'm just shocked that it had to happen so fast. oh well. i read somewhere that a guy's concept of speed is so unpredictable. unpredictable and unstable, as a matter of fact.

this morning, i ate out with my family after church. we went to this new japanese place in greenhills[which was, of course, another SCREAMING reminder of :him:], and i saw a friend from high school. so, yea, small talk. but at least we got to kind of catch up on stuff na din. so, anyways, when we got in and were comfortable, guess what song played?

i love you, goodbye.

not celine dion's version, though. but still. and my brothers wanted to get dessert, so we went to red ribbon, which was only a few streets away. yes, kuya jonel and i rode with kuya alkei to red riboon, and, again, SCREAMING REMINDERS OF :HIM: WERE ALL OVER THE PLACE. the leather seats, the music[TIPSY and a few other 'songs' played repeatedly, by the way. gee, thanks, kuya.], the smell[my goodness, the EXACT SAME ambi pur car freshener plus the slight cig smell.], hah! basically, EVERYTHING was screaming :him:. duh. this is kuya alkei we're talking about. oh well.

when we got home, i finally returned the call. yes, small talk. trying to sound casual though clearly jahe about the whole thing. now i'm thinking if 'things' really matter to this person. maybe, maybe not.

okay, so here's the deal: THE talk, at some coffee place near our own domains. i'm not complaining, just freaked that i'll be nervous as hell tomorrow considering the situation. public place... okay... keep yourself together, jaimie... cool it...

oh well. time to face the music.

naturally, :he: wanted to see me. :he: was even slightly frustrated when i said, 'if you don't want to meet, and you think everything's okay, then it's okay if we don't talk.'

here i go with my drama again.

but still... me wanting to straighten things out didn't mean :he: should agree with my terms, right? i'm not forcing anyone to talk to me.

although... ah, never mind.

when asked if i wanted to see :him:, i blabbed my answer which simply meant, "it's okay if i do." ah, shit. on the phone and i'm fumbling with what to say? hah. tomorrow should be interesting.

i'm still freaked. nerve-wracked. oh well. i guess, you just gotta do what you gotta do.

all my entries about this thing is filled with 'i guesses', huh? goes to show how unsure i am about the whole deal.

no 'i told you sos' from the world, please. i'm freaked enough, thank you very much.

tomorrow. 12 july 2004. 12 again. the same judgment day, only a month apart.

ONE DAY MORE.

"...just a day, just an ORDINARY day..."

"...today i heard them play the song again... an old familiar flame from way back when... but seasons change, and time erases the tears... as if it makes the feelings disappear..."

i know the lyrics aren't entirely correct, but still...

yes, it's july 10th today. the supposed 3rd month. oh well. shit happens. i guess i'll have to deal with it.

haay... i spent most of my time with my kuya today. i had this disturbing urge to go out this morning, and when i couldn't reach most of my friends, i finally got to talk to my brother. i had to convince him pa like crazy before he finally agreed to go out. pa'no kasi, we both were short on the money department. ewan... i just wanted to get out of the house. i don't know nga what that was, eh... was it because i just had to go out on a saturday? or because 'things' have changed and i wanted to distract myself from bawling over whatever that can NOT happen anymore given the present situation?

hmmm... i guess it's more of the second one. (and i think that little fact is one of the things that convinced my brother to accompany me waste my time somewhere...) you can't blame me, right? i mean, this is the FIRST. i'm not going to be a hypocrite and say that it doesn't make me sad at all, because it does. i'm not some heartless bitch who thinks it's entirely his loss that things are different. not to self-pity, but i'm sort of in the losing end too... i mean, i lost some things also, and those things, simple or complex as they may be, are hard to get back... no matter what people say...

it's funny how things sink in to me really slowly... i should've felt worse the day it happened, but... i think i'm realizing some things more now. i don't know why... i guess... i'm just really bothered, because i don't exactly know what went wrong. it's possible that i know the reason to this extreme situation, but i still question myself why things ended. what shit could i have possibly done for :him: to be able to decide on going for this transition? I HAVE NO IDEA.

i'm so weird. though i had so much fun today hanging with my brother, i feel empty, sad, and alone. it's this feeling that all of today's laugh trips and embarrassing moments [don't ask] still couldn't make me genuinely happy... i guess... i just have to get used to things? i don't really know. even my dad noticed that i don't look okay. he even kept on asking me why i was so malamya.

yea, yea. to the people reading this who knows my story, you'd think i'm crazy. a fool... oh, crap. here i go again... oh hell. i'll stop. i know i'm such a dumbass. but i can't help it. i'm affected. can you blame me? man, i went through hell and beyond for this, so i'm entitled to shitty feelings too. yes, martyr mode. i'm not THAT deranged, you know. i just feel bad, that's all.

my kuya and i left at around 2:00 a while ago, and we passed by the office for a while. after a few, off to galleria we went. i must say, the day kept on slapping me on the face with freaking reminders of :someone: i was once involved with. on our way to galleria, i heard 'knocks me off my feet' on the radio. so much for having a peaceful day. what else were the reminders? hmmm... the cars, their visors, the roads, the route, the MALL itself---every place was memory-infested, i could have choked to death right then and there. yes, women are naturally inclined to be memory-filled, i know, but i was caught off guard. i never thought it would feel this weird. i mean, to experience it first-hand now.

ah, the agony.

anyways, the movie place was, of course, memory-infested as well[come on, that was basically the only place we hung at whenever we'd go there.]. yes, i felt pangs in my heart, but that didn't stop the memories from coming back. so what if they did, right? i have a life. i better get on with it then. but, the thing is, i can't go on without remembering. i guess that's okay. it means i care. but hell, what keeps on happening is too much. memories bombard me like hell whenever and wherever i go.

so, to make the long story short, despite all of my brother's attempts to make me enjoy, i realized that every smile and every laugh we shared was half-hearted for me. i don't know why, but it's true. whatever people may say, i'm still not okay with this because i'm not an idiot, and i know i lost a part of myself too.

i told :him: once that losing what i had in a certain moment meant losing a part of myself as well. now, i'm really sure i'm right, because of what i'm feeling now. this may be confusion, stupidity, or just plain shitheadedness[if there is such a word], but again, I CAN'T BLAME MYSELF. i'm not insensitive. i got hurt too.

in the moviehouse a while ago, in the middle of the last chapter of the second kill bill movie's volume, i heard an alarm sound. i was, of course, alarmed, and my heart was pounding like crazy. i was so freaked that the mall may have been on fire or something, and i so wanted to get out of the moviehouse to check out the rest of civilization. when kuya asked a guard about the alarm, all he said was that it was faulty and that it was nothing. so we stayed at the end of the harang and watched the rest of the movie from there. i have to admit, i was panicking inside while watching the last part. i couldn't help checking out the people if they were starting to run already, because any time then, i was ready to run like hell. i even thought that today was the day i was going to die. wow. what a beautiful date to die. my third un-okay month. well, i should've looked at the bright side: at least i can now experience being visited by friends while confined in a hospital.

mental, huh?

now i hate myself. i'm getting too sentimental about the whole deal. it shouldn't matter if i'm sad, what should matter is that i learn to get over myself and be happy.

oh well. as they say, 'it happens to the best of us.'

i wouldn't consider me one of the best, but... ah, whatever. breathe, jaimie. get a hold of yourself.

pull yourself together, you pathetic loser.

ouch.

what's with this???

what the---???

7-July-2004 19:05:47
"Jaimie rose mojica,i rily mis being wit u.And i thnk i made d wr0ng dcsi0n.I jst wnt u 2 knw dat?"

again, i say, WHAT'S WITH THIS???

"...i'm not the one you're needing... i love you, GOODBYE..."

I Love You, Goodbye

Wish I could be the one
The one who could give you love
The kind of love you really need
Wish I could say to you
That I'll always stay with you
But baby that's not me
You need someone willing to give their heart and soul to you
Promise you forever, baby that's something I can't do
Oh I could say that I'll be all you need
But that would be a lie
I know I'd only hurt you
I know I'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

I hope someday you can
Find some way to understand I'm only doing this for you
I don't really wanna go
But deep in my heart I know this is the kindest thing to do
You'll find someone who'll be the one that I could never be
Who'll give you something better
Than the love you'll find with me
Oh I could say that I'll be all you need
But that would be a crime
I know I'd only hurt you
I know I'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

Leaving someone when you love someone
Is the hardest thing to do
When you love someone as much as I love you

Oh, I don't wanna leave you
Baby it tears me up inside
But I'll never be the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

Baby, its never gonna work out
I love you, goodbye

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

oh, the perks of being single.

YEA. YOU GUESSED IT.

it's pointless adding to the part I i wrote last night then, huh? oh well.

2 months, 28 days.

adjourned.

it's a mystery why people give so much time and attention to something and let it go after a while... it's just confusing that everyone invests so much on something they'd eventually give up on in the end. is it because of pagsasawa? or is it because the effort seems useless that there's just no point in going on with what you started?

i can go on all day thinking about this, but what will happen? will it bring back the past that i was already getting used to having?

this is not me ranting over something i just got used to. this is me thinking aloud about something that could have had something more. that could have turned out better.

am i sad? of course i am. that's just normal, considering this is the first event of my "welcoming to the REAL WORLD." i wouldn't be a hypocrite and say i'm not affected at all, because i am. it's impossible to be heartless after what i went through.

i had the longest ride going home today. yes, :he: picked me up from school. we never really talked on the way home, just small talk. and then, for the longest time, we both fell silent. it wasn't the comfortable silence we used to share, but the most uneasy one ever. i had no other choice but to look out the window. i knew something was going to happen, and i felt bad that things had to turn out that way.

it took me until after an overpass somewhere in sta. mesa before i could ask,

"may sasabihin ka ba sa akin?"

and then silence... i didn't know if it was because :he: was stalling, or because :he: just didn't have anything to tell me. and so i asked again.

"wala ka ba tala---"

in the middle of me blurting out the inevitable question was :his: reply:

"mamaya na..."

so there. without a doubt, he was stalling. it didn't feel right that he had to leave me hanging before i knew what he wanted to say. i couldn't do anything. i froze.

when we got to my house, :he: moved uneasily and faced me.

"alam mo naman siguro yung sasabihin ko, diba?"

that was all i had to hear to figure out what was happening.

i had a little talk with my kuya when i got home. of course, i did just what any sane little sister would do: i spilled the beans. yes, i was freaked that i was able to do that, but, whatever. i did it.

i was in the brink of tears when i told him, and all he asked was "ano'ng nangyari?" it felt easier, because he never told me to tell him about anything specific. and so i drew a breath, and then we talked. i didn't get a lecture or anything, we talked just like how we'd do every single time. i found out a few noteworthy bits and pieces about him, and i got a couple of good lines too. it really helps if you both are psychologists.Ü hahaÜ (wishful thinking.)

i have no idea why this had to happen now. i was prepared for this a few days back, but :he: dismissed everything i wanted to say and asked me if this was my solution to the problem. i didn't know what else i could do, because with all the time and effort i gave, he still wasn't happy. the 'it's not you, it's me' line he threw seemed pointless because i was sure it was of desperation. i don't want to say anything that would bother either one of us, because it's clear: some things are just not meant to be.

makes me think of what my kuya told me a while ago: "sa experience ko kasi, yung mga 'you and me against the world' na yan... madalas, hindi nagwwork."

oh well. things you find out about when what's done is done.

"It's hard to hold on to something you know would never be yours in any way you think of. You just have to learn to LET GO and face the fact that while 'good things never last'... SOME DON'T EVEN START..."

how true, how true.

confused as ever... AGAIN.

i am not in the mood to update you on the past week's events, i just want to confuse myself more. the recap of my hellish life since 01 july will have to wait.

******
PART I
******
today i found myself thinking of 'certain' things nonstop. (this is quite bothering to most people, because i actually was semi-quiet the whole day.) i don't know if this is good, but whatever. i just felt really lazy to be the jaimie i really am.

theo class was really enlightening, mainly because i had to endure an hour and a half of hiritans and patamas from the block, and, worse, from my teacher. the discussion was filled with 'slips of the tongue' which were, of course, daggers through my heart.

sus!!!

the things you get for trying so hard to be vague... oh well.

i am still pure, thank you very much.Ü to those who are still freaked, i meant for nadala to be nadala sa decision, as in statements that were said. nothing more than that. hay... life...

a song

"...cz i'm dying inside to hold you... i couldn't believe what i've felt for you... dying inside, i am dying inside, but i couldn't have the chance to touch you..."

living is great. loving is even greater. BUT--- life stinks, and love stinks too.

sometimes.

"nadala." how sad. just when i was beginning to feel happy for all the right reasons (at least i think so), things had to go back to zero. i'm disappointed. you are too. i wouldn't be okay with this. same with you. but still, we decided that things should be this way. fine.

i'm happy, though. at least i did not lose everything. just most of what would really make me overly happy. maybe i'm just not feeling it much yet, cz this is new... but i think i'll manage. i know you won't be able to keep things this way naman. and i'm sure i can't, either.

labo.

so why should it be like this? because this is where it's going to start. and we're trying to keep things balanced. well, one thing's for sure: balance can NEVER be achieved through this decision, but, i guess, it's worth a try. you said so yourself, if this works, we'd be happier. if not, i guess things will go back to their usual more complicated state. i'm willing to gamble, but not too much. just enough that i know my limits---what i can and can not do.

i always play safe, huh? i know. it sucks. but that's what i need to keep my sanity. i know you understand. i also know that you're struggling to keep yours, too.

we both understand what we are headed for and where we are headed to. we both lost control. we both know what to do. it's just that we are both confused, and the decision is of the extreme. hah. like we can pull this off.

[the more positive side of me>>>] of course we can. we're working together, right? hand-in-hand. it's not going to be easy. no one said it would be. even before we decided, we knew this would bring us hell before we could pull it off. but hey, we know the consequences and we also know its perks. we're gambling. we rock.Ü

a song... that's what eveything is.

"Kht wla naman prize e.As long n i get 2 u dats enough n e..."

holding on.

i could not ask for more ÜÜÜ

Lying here with you/ Listening to the rain/ Smiling just to see the smile upon your face/ These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive/ These are the moments I'll remember all my life/ I found all I've waited for/ And I could not ask for more//

Looking in your eyes/ Seeing all I need/ Everything you are is everything to me/ These are the moments/ I know heaven must exist/ These are the moments I know all I need is this/ I have all I've waited for/ And I could not ask for more//

I could not ask for more than this time together/ I could not ask for more than this time with you/ Every prayer has been answered/ Every dream I have's come true/ And right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be/ Here with you here with me//

These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive/ These are the moments I'll remember all my life/ I've got all I've waited for/ And I could not ask for more//

I could not ask for more than this time together/ I could not ask for more than this time with you/ Every prayer has been answered/ Every dream I have's come true/ And right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be/ Here with you here with me//

I could not ask for more than the love you give me/ 'Coz it's all I've waited for/ And I could not ask for more/ I could not ask for more//

am still bored...

hear, hear!!! post number two...

Tuesday, March 02, 2004 5:28 am

finally!!! :)

haaaayyy...
FINALLY... the -initial- stress is officially (hmmm... missing you??? harhar...) OVER!!!
well, not quite...
another stressful event- er- PRODUCTION is coming, and i am freaking out again... my blessed UC friends are watching (well, that's what they said...), and they will see me in my BEAUTIFUL role... hell... i'm on my way to embarrassing myself to the last drop of my sanity... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
oh well.
that's life.
yes, kim AND julius, i know. RELAX. SEE A MOVIE.
awww.... GROUP HUG.
anyways, at least my restraining prowess will finally get tested. come on, let them see me in my shabby glory and they will die laughing.
BRING IT ON.
i'm preparing myself now... i'm headed for a life filled with ridicule after friday AND/OR saturday. whatever.
oh what bliss.
oh joy.

***the TELON days. ahh... the life of blood, sweat, and tears. i still miss those days of torture. hahaÜ st.paul, i'm out of your boundaries now.Ü

life is good.Ü

boring...

due to unparallelled boredom, i'm currently resurrecting my old posts (in a different blog, by the way) and will soon repost them. just treat them as archives, because they're from early this year pa...

hahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaahhhh...ÜÜÜ

Tuesday, February 10, 2004, 9:04 pm

stress... pressure... tension... stress... pressure... tension... stress... pressure... tension... stress...

finally used this thing.
stress. pressure. tension.
aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yes, KIM, i know. RELAX.
everything is freaking me out. i am nerve-wracked. aaaaaaaahhhh!!!!!!!!!

***in the peak of my pressure-infested and stress-covered pre-debut life, i had no other choice but to seek sanctuary... comfort courtesy of my computer.Ü ahhh...Ü this is the life.Ü

"...it's a long, long journey..."

i'm sad.

yes, i miss someone. grr. i suck. i never thought it would be this way. hmph. and i used to think i rock. oh well, we'd all fall sometime. pretty much doesn't justify the "queen of the world" title now, eh?

crap.

i had to endure a train ride from legarda to katipunan and a long walk to bento box a while ago. it wasn't really tiring, it's just that i was too down to even sit somewhere. i guess... ah, forget it. i didn't even know how we got to the place without me complaining my sorry behind off.

ooh... the wonders of sadness.Ü

anyways, we (friend A and i) were supposed to meet an atenean friend (friend B) at bento box at 6pm, but, as fate would dictate it, showed up an hour later. just when friend A thought friend B was making up for lost time...

aah... the fireworks.

nothing happened, really. a few icy stares at friend B did the trick. and that's the game!!! poor souls. i feel for both of them, though... they have their own points. it's just that they shouldn't be including those in their conversations anytime soon, or else... oh my... all hell can and WILL break loose.

i just got word that i finally have an audience from the rebel group i call my blockmates.Ü yay, i get to spread my viral disease a.k.a. insanity-covered weirdness their way. hahaÜ coolness.Ü

i stuffed my pitiful mouth with all the comfort food i could find a while ago... for some reason, i felt really bad. i know it's going to sound gross, but the stuff i ate (and drank)(courtesy of the caf, by the way) with my blockmates were as follows: mangga with bagoong, a donut, mojos, fishballs, sago at gulaman, tofi luk, grape mentos, and who knows what else... yes, i reek. i know that. it's actually so "un-me" to vent my sadness on food... usually i philosophize and drive people crazy... but, i guess, things change. don't count on this being a usual thing, though. i will STILL revert to philosophizing and driving people nuts. after all, that IS what i do best.Ü

mwahahahahaaaaaaaaaahhhhh...ÜÜÜ

oh, and before i forget... i'd like you all to welcome the new addition to my family--- my new daughter, maiane.Ü hahaÜ

"...i'm tired of being alone... so hurry up and get here... so tired of being alone... so hurry up and get here..."

"Ok lng yan parehas lng tyo ng nfifil ngyn hehe.Ü mis u 2.Love u"

score!!!ÜÜÜ

come to think of it, my day wasn't so bad after all.