visions of a sunset...

kaya pala i so had the urge to write something under this title before pa...

nga naman... oh well. i guess the present situation passes for an upcoming sunset, eh? well, actually... the sun has already set. the sunrise, though, will not be seen for a little while. oh well. this is a start.

i always thought the idea of 'loving from afar' is nuts. i mean, yes, i know that's sad, but still... i just can't understand why people can't get over themselves and just tell the person they love how they feel.

well, now i do.

it's not because we love to get hurt, but because it's the best thing for the rest of the world. you may end up in tears every night for the rest of your life, but that saves you from the hell you'll be in when you go on with what you think is right.

i used to think that i could throw something i've invested on for a while that easily. you know--- without any emotional attachments, bad feelings, or whatever. but i was wrong. it turns out, i'm not as heartless as i once thought i was.

so much for being an actress.

i guess [and i'll never stop guessing]... there's just a point in your life when you realize so much. so much, to the extent of practically being ready to lose everything you have because of feeling useless. yes, it's unfair. i should be the one angry here, but i chose not to be. is this stupidity? martyrdom? or, as i've said before, shitheadedness? i don't know. what matters is that I CARE. enough to see the loss through something.

i don't want to feel regretful about this whole deal, because that would only mean i never wanted this to happen in the beginning. i mean, yes, i knew the inevitability of 'certain' things, but... i guess i'm just shocked that it had to happen so fast. oh well. i read somewhere that a guy's concept of speed is so unpredictable. unpredictable and unstable, as a matter of fact.

this morning, i ate out with my family after church. we went to this new japanese place in greenhills[which was, of course, another SCREAMING reminder of :him:], and i saw a friend from high school. so, yea, small talk. but at least we got to kind of catch up on stuff na din. so, anyways, when we got in and were comfortable, guess what song played?

i love you, goodbye.

not celine dion's version, though. but still. and my brothers wanted to get dessert, so we went to red ribbon, which was only a few streets away. yes, kuya jonel and i rode with kuya alkei to red riboon, and, again, SCREAMING REMINDERS OF :HIM: WERE ALL OVER THE PLACE. the leather seats, the music[TIPSY and a few other 'songs' played repeatedly, by the way. gee, thanks, kuya.], the smell[my goodness, the EXACT SAME ambi pur car freshener plus the slight cig smell.], hah! basically, EVERYTHING was screaming :him:. duh. this is kuya alkei we're talking about. oh well.

when we got home, i finally returned the call. yes, small talk. trying to sound casual though clearly jahe about the whole thing. now i'm thinking if 'things' really matter to this person. maybe, maybe not.

okay, so here's the deal: THE talk, at some coffee place near our own domains. i'm not complaining, just freaked that i'll be nervous as hell tomorrow considering the situation. public place... okay... keep yourself together, jaimie... cool it...

oh well. time to face the music.

naturally, :he: wanted to see me. :he: was even slightly frustrated when i said, 'if you don't want to meet, and you think everything's okay, then it's okay if we don't talk.'

here i go with my drama again.

but still... me wanting to straighten things out didn't mean :he: should agree with my terms, right? i'm not forcing anyone to talk to me.

although... ah, never mind.

when asked if i wanted to see :him:, i blabbed my answer which simply meant, "it's okay if i do." ah, shit. on the phone and i'm fumbling with what to say? hah. tomorrow should be interesting.

i'm still freaked. nerve-wracked. oh well. i guess, you just gotta do what you gotta do.

all my entries about this thing is filled with 'i guesses', huh? goes to show how unsure i am about the whole deal.

no 'i told you sos' from the world, please. i'm freaked enough, thank you very much.

tomorrow. 12 july 2004. 12 again. the same judgment day, only a month apart.

ONE DAY MORE.