"...today i heard them play the song again... an old familiar flame from way back when... but seasons change, and time erases the tears... as if it makes the feelings disappear..."
i know the lyrics aren't entirely correct, but still...
yes, it's july 10th today. the supposed 3rd month. oh well. shit happens. i guess i'll have to deal with it.
haay... i spent most of my time with my kuya today. i had this disturbing urge to go out this morning, and when i couldn't reach most of my friends, i finally got to talk to my brother. i had to convince him pa like crazy before he finally agreed to go out. pa'no kasi, we both were short on the money department. ewan... i just wanted to get out of the house. i don't know nga what that was, eh... was it because i just had to go out on a saturday? or because 'things' have changed and i wanted to distract myself from bawling over whatever that can NOT happen anymore given the present situation?
hmmm... i guess it's more of the second one. (and i think that little fact is one of the things that convinced my brother to accompany me waste my time somewhere...) you can't blame me, right? i mean, this is the FIRST. i'm not going to be a hypocrite and say that it doesn't make me sad at all, because it does. i'm not some heartless bitch who thinks it's entirely his loss that things are different. not to self-pity, but i'm sort of in the losing end too... i mean, i lost some things also, and those things, simple or complex as they may be, are hard to get back... no matter what people say...
it's funny how things sink in to me really slowly... i should've felt worse the day it happened, but... i think i'm realizing some things more now. i don't know why... i guess... i'm just really bothered, because i don't exactly know what went wrong. it's possible that i know the reason to this extreme situation, but i still question myself why things ended. what shit could i have possibly done for :him: to be able to decide on going for this transition? I HAVE NO IDEA.
i'm so weird. though i had so much fun today hanging with my brother, i feel empty, sad, and alone. it's this feeling that all of today's laugh trips and embarrassing moments [don't ask] still couldn't make me genuinely happy... i guess... i just have to get used to things? i don't really know. even my dad noticed that i don't look okay. he even kept on asking me why i was so malamya.
yea, yea. to the people reading this who knows my story, you'd think i'm crazy. a fool... oh, crap. here i go again... oh hell. i'll stop. i know i'm such a dumbass. but i can't help it. i'm affected. can you blame me? man, i went through hell and beyond for this, so i'm entitled to shitty feelings too. yes, martyr mode. i'm not THAT deranged, you know. i just feel bad, that's all.
my kuya and i left at around 2:00 a while ago, and we passed by the office for a while. after a few, off to galleria we went. i must say, the day kept on slapping me on the face with freaking reminders of :someone: i was once involved with. on our way to galleria, i heard 'knocks me off my feet' on the radio. so much for having a peaceful day. what else were the reminders? hmmm... the cars, their visors, the roads, the route, the MALL itself---every place was memory-infested, i could have choked to death right then and there. yes, women are naturally inclined to be memory-filled, i know, but i was caught off guard. i never thought it would feel this weird. i mean, to experience it first-hand now.
ah, the agony.
anyways, the movie place was, of course, memory-infested as well[come on, that was basically the only place we hung at whenever we'd go there.]. yes, i felt pangs in my heart, but that didn't stop the memories from coming back. so what if they did, right? i have a life. i better get on with it then. but, the thing is, i can't go on without remembering. i guess that's okay. it means i care. but hell, what keeps on happening is too much. memories bombard me like hell whenever and wherever i go.
so, to make the long story short, despite all of my brother's attempts to make me enjoy, i realized that every smile and every laugh we shared was half-hearted for me. i don't know why, but it's true. whatever people may say, i'm still not okay with this because i'm not an idiot, and i know i lost a part of myself too.
i told :him: once that losing what i had in a certain moment meant losing a part of myself as well. now, i'm really sure i'm right, because of what i'm feeling now. this may be confusion, stupidity, or just plain shitheadedness[if there is such a word], but again, I CAN'T BLAME MYSELF. i'm not insensitive. i got hurt too.
in the moviehouse a while ago, in the middle of the last chapter of the second kill bill movie's volume, i heard an alarm sound. i was, of course, alarmed, and my heart was pounding like crazy. i was so freaked that the mall may have been on fire or something, and i so wanted to get out of the moviehouse to check out the rest of civilization. when kuya asked a guard about the alarm, all he said was that it was faulty and that it was nothing. so we stayed at the end of the harang and watched the rest of the movie from there. i have to admit, i was panicking inside while watching the last part. i couldn't help checking out the people if they were starting to run already, because any time then, i was ready to run like hell. i even thought that today was the day i was going to die. wow. what a beautiful date to die. my third un-okay month. well, i should've looked at the bright side: at least i can now experience being visited by friends while confined in a hospital.
mental, huh?
now i hate myself. i'm getting too sentimental about the whole deal. it shouldn't matter if i'm sad, what should matter is that i learn to get over myself and be happy.
oh well. as they say, 'it happens to the best of us.'
i wouldn't consider me one of the best, but... ah, whatever. breathe, jaimie. get a hold of yourself.
pull yourself together, you pathetic loser.
ouch.
No comments:
Post a Comment