Game On

In matters of fixing broken things, a lot of solutions come to mind. Fixing broken body parts, however, changes the game entirely.

Besides the fact that most transplants entail getting on a list and waiting for forever before your (real) hopes of getting treated materializes, it serves as the ultimate test of strength to the one who needs it most. These patients spend months (and even years) holding on to something they have no idea whether or not they can outlive.

I guess, in the same way, this is how heartbreak works. Unfortunately, though, this could be something that may never be solved. No matter how much you heal after all that pain, you end up with the same dilapidated organ. And that will never be good as new. One can only fill in the gaps that the previous co-owner has left for you to nurse yourself back to health.

Looking at the bright side, you'd think that life would be easy without it. What's sad, though, is that no man can escape its wrath. Everyday is a chance for the world to break you, and the risk increases as you go about life without a speck of it. Not undergoing physical transplant isn't an assurance, however, that you get to be exempted from the test of strength that transition brings. Whatever the reason, you'll know that holding on to your sanity in emotional transplants will be an even more daunting task than the pain of enduring the recovery period after a physical transplant.

Nevertheless, it's probably human nature that we choose to do the things we know will hurt us, only because we think it'll be worthwhile anyway (like med school, for example. Haha). And then we blindly accept everything else that comes with it. But sometimes, in the most fleeting of moments, you start to think: how much really is too much?

I may never know the answer to that question. I guess it depends on how much more you can take. And when it gets too hard to continue holding on, albeit with a heavy heart, you let go.

posted from Bloggeroid

Overdrive

Today I got a nagging feeling that this school year will test me so bad it'll be hell on earth.

My unparalleled excitement for this extremely-coveted progression has seemingly been gnawing at my cloak of comfort, reminding me that things may not be all too well so soon. Despite my efforts to choose to believe that this is just a phase, this morning proved to be a test of character already. I had to juggle lifestyles yet again and frown at the inconvenience of it all.

The rules are simple. Very specific, but not at all unique.

And then when something you may not like gets flung at you, the only way good things may come out of it is if you face it head on. But what if all you want to do is let it go? Sometimes, it's not too good to know how to fix things, too. You end up fibrotic and you'll never be the same again. And then your brain gets so tired and full of unrelenting clutter when all you want is a little peace.

I might just be some kind of a great pretender. Then again, maybe it's just one of those days.

posted from Bloggeroid

#heartstrong

There are so many things I’m thankful for today. Mostly, though, it’s for the semi-culmination of an awesome but highly traumatic school year. I experienced such highs and unthinkable hells, and because of these, I almost lost hope.

I honestly never thought I would see the day I’d lose all the fight left in my heart. It was indescribable and unreal, and there seemingly was no way out. It choked me in so many ways that even tears didn’t get the chance to flow; my brain didn’t even sense my need to rake all the madness in. The better part of my brain willed my heart to pull it together; and I did, for a little while. But when there’s too much I keep inside, it soon takes a toll on something else, and it left me drained and a million times more unhappy.

As I saw the rest of my friends disheartened and paralyzed, I realized I didn’t just let myself down—I let them down, too. I disappointed the people who usually clung to me for strength. I know I’m at least entitled to feel a little emotion, but the complete loss of it just made my then-crumbled world disintegrate even more. I appreciate to the ends of the earth those who knew me well enough to just offer a shoulder and a silently understanding heart, which somehow eased the increasingly heartbreaking moment’s tugs at my sanity.

I guess it’s in your weakest moments when you find fate working to your advantage. It builds a window where there once was none, and somehow, somewhere, a beam of light will shine through. It’s not the most perfect of circumstances, but it makes the most sense. And then you don’t feel so alone anymore. Some people still and will be with you as you go along your journey. And again, I’m thankful these people are on my side. I woke up the next day and slowly picked up the pieces as I nursed every inch of brokenness and tried to put myself back together. The fight wasn’t over, after all.

What began as a ray of hope radiated into a mantle of faith. Blind as it may have been, it emanated an aura of the turnaround my soul direly needed. I realized that my demise deserved redemption, and that losing faith in me didn’t have to involve the rest of the world. My tormented heart slowly healed and I focused on what could be done. Those with a fighting chance deserve encouragement, no matter how hopeless the odds may seem.

I say these past few weeks have indeed tested me in ways I could never have imagined, but it taught me to keep my faith rock solid as well. I know the resolution is far from realized, but there will always—ALWAYS—be a fighting chance. And that’s a chance I’ll forever be willing to take.

I cannot teach everyone to be strong, but I’m sincerely thankful to the Big Guy up there that I was once again taught to be exactly that. I don’t know what else will be in store for me in the next couple of weeks, but all I can do is pray that the odds work to my advantage. I know that next year will again be insanely different, and my scarred heart will be ready and waiting for that change. I hope that all those who have helped me realize these things will find peace in the chaos their hearts are now in, and slowly realize that life after a monumental heartbreak is possible.

Now, I said I experienced such highs and unthinkable hells this school year. And because of these things, I REFUSE to lose hope. I shall keep charging on until the very end. Fight lang nang fight.

Losing grip

I have never lost so much fight in my life as I have this afternoon. And the hardest part is trying so damn hard to be strong when your heart has already given up.

User-friendly

It still baffles me that people who don't get anything out of me anymore all of a sudden think I'm such a bad person, that I leave people behind and that I'm completely heartless. I may appear to be all strong and independent, but it hurts me that I'm constantly judged by people like you, too, you know.

I refuse to explain to you how my decisions were made, because (1) you don't deserve my explanation, and (2) you won't understand anyway. SO I'd rather save my precious brain cells than think of an easier way to explain things to you. I'm sorry if I seem harsh (although I don't think you're getting the real point of this anyway, so meh.), but like what I've been telling you before, when someone gets tired, they just get tired. I originally assumed you understood that, given that you're older than me and supposedly blessed with more wisdom and care in the world, but, alas, I was wrong. Snaps for me for giving the benefit of the doubt, but, more importantly, snaps for my heart for being on the honor roll of getting hurt & disappointed once again.

I believe I have been a real friend to you. And the rest of our friends have been the same. But since all we got out of you was sheer irresponsibility and utter neglect for anything that's equally important for all of us, then I (well, any of us) don't think you still deserve the friendship we can offer. When the only times we hear from you are when you need something, I sure as hell know that's not at all okay. The rest of the time you're visible, you're either impatient or lying, and you try to earn our trust by being unnecessarily nice (cos I know it's fake) or by treating us to appease our worried minds. I'm sorry, but your tactics won't work on me anymore. I would gladly pay you back for the money you've spent being friends with us, plus a little extra if you want. I may not be as affluent as you, but I have class and good principles that you may never be able to afford to have. I am never going to be bought by the cheapness that you think will get you through life. Money may make the world go 'round in some strange, demented way, but your money will never be of use to me and my ideals. I say reevaluate your life and start the change that's so long overdue. I would say GROW UP, but I don't think even that will work.

Now, allow me to tell you a little something about self-preservation: Once people grow tired of giving individuals like you everything and anything, they start to believe they deserve to keep their sanity more and start focusing on themselves. I hope, someday (I really do), you progress into the man you're supposed to be, and I pray that you find the motivation to actually be a good person to others without lying or buying them out. As for your friendship, I think I'm good with my real friends already, thank you very much.

Another Day

Inquiring minds would NOT want to know. Not this time. So, goodluck to these crazy eyes cos they see anything and everything.

Taking things one step at a time is essential for well-being. And sanity. And adjustment. And everything else. But it doesn't mean it's going to be pretty. UGH.

The upside of maturely dealing with things is that it won't be that bad forever. Somehow, someday, I'll get used to this and it won't be as bothersome as it presently is. And so I wait for that glorious moment wherein life starts to suck less. This neverending game is honestly eating me alive, but my vampire blood makes it hard for me to die inside cos I just keep healing away. Methinks I now possess a giant ball of fibrotic insides and I can't seem to escape it.

I'm doomed. But I really don't want to admit it. Cos if I do, this world will come tumbling down and I will be dragged into my proverbial hell. Deep breaths are all I need. I hope that's it.

STOP. STOP. STOOOOOP.

Forget It

I understand that I may be quite a handful, cos I'm neurotic, unpredictable, frank, moody, too chatty, too girly, a worrier, and mean, among other things. But I'm pretty sure I try as much as I can to be a good friend, person and human being to those individuals I care about. Heck, I even worry about people I don't necessarily have to care about--just because I have been entrusted with their well-being, too.

If you don't like it, you honestly just have to tell me. That's all I'm saying. Because I'd really appreciate the frankness more than the rude comebacks, especially if they weren't even subtlely delivered. I do not demand for recognition, but I also don't appreciate that you choose inflections of sarcasm (or even blunt and direct sarcasm) over honesty when you tell me what you think.

I actually think you're one person worth worrying for, but, sure, I get the message now. I'll keep a mental note to stop caring for your existence then. I'm not usually the type who ceases to care, but this time, I think I can convince myself to make an exception. Sure, the process is going to be hard, but oh well. Just so you know, I think you'll miss this perfectly flawed mind. Then again, maybe not. :)

The Downside

Self-preservation is such a two-faced b*tch.

And I don't know why the hell I keep doing this to myself.

I guess I just have to get used to the downside more. I get to detach, yes. But I feel all the glorious pangs, too. As a matter of fact, I just got that almost-too-real heart squeeze a second ago when the smarter part of my brain told me to establish the distance more. That self-satisfied smirk was just too real, and I hope that the blood that drained out of my entirety did not sell me out.

I had to bury my face into my hands because it was too surreal to just endure with a poker face. My smiles betray me, and the initial chill that crept up my being was replaced with some sort of fiery internal struggle even I couldn't decipher. Long story short, it was a flurry of feels I thought I had already let go.

Well, apparently not.

I was pulled back into the real world when I heard a classmate say, "Don't cry, Jaimie. You look like you're going to cry." At that point, all I could muster was a nervous "Huh?" and unconsciously went back to staring into space. I'm okay, I'm okay. It'll be fine.

Yes. It will be. And it should.

Riddle Me This

In this highly labile game of chance, I guess, as with many other matters this life mimics so well, the one who folds first loses.

Despite the sheer travesty of the most recent series of unfortunate events to my poor, poor heart, I choose to bask in indifference and not allow my restless soul to respond. Everything seems to be on edge that whenever I show the slightest bit of openness to the wonderful world of change, I am disappointed and left to mend the tears on my coat of shame.

Easing up on my guard, I think, allows me an almost-parasitic infection that can definitely eat my sanity up. But the natural-ness of everything still picks at my being and never lets me go. Suffice it to say I can't just detach from everything else. But that's how the melodramatic-slash-humane me will always and forever be, I guess. It's a curse, I know. So I'm just gonna have to live with it and face the unfortunate consequences of having a heart.

It may be frustrating to some that I sometimes function too much--believe me, it infuriates me, too--but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. It's not the OCness in me speaking but the actual desire for your development in this crazy, unforgiving world. Don't worry, I would understand if it's maddening (or possibly annoying) and it makes you just opt to not care. Believe it or not, my disheveled heart is ready for more rounds of bashing. ;)

But, I guess, in the midst of all the drama, life does give you what you want and deserve. You just have to possess the patience to wait for it to happen and then you'll see that that perfect time is going to be magical.😘

Pet Peeve

Just a thought: if and when I assign you to compile a report, You SHOULD note that I TRUST that you will NOT ONLY edit the format of the paper plus all those blasted indentations and whatnot. I'm sure it's supposed to dawn upon your ever-so-important soul that the proper usage of the English language and its technicalities should be checked as well, along with the sheer OBVIOUSNESS of supplying accurate data for every single result and its corresponding table and elucidation.

And you pride yourself with being a Grammar Nazi? SHAME ON YOU. You memorized rules of the language but do not know what you're talking about. Your understanding is purely cerebral and that does not place you upon the English pedestal.

I honestly do not care if you were not having a good day when you did your part because everyone else had to suck it up and deliver. SO GROW UP ALREADY. And please allow yourself a few hours to ponder on that.

Rant Day

There are SOOOOO MANY THINGS that I want to fast-forward my life to at this very moment, just so I can get a taste of what it's like to not get nagged all day. I know it's the stress, it's the annoying case of facing the unfamiliar and the OCness that comes with guarding your personal space--BUT HEY, WATCH IT. I may be in a very forgiving mood now, but I can't promise it's going to last forever.

Stop blaming me for not learning the things you do not exert effort for. If you think that business is of paramount importance in the whole world's life, then force me to quit med school so that I won't have to need to use your holier-than-thou computer.

I've been screamed at and frowned upon since this morning and I don't like it. Especially now that my hormones are on overdrive. Please do not provoke me. Please. Don't.

Deep Breaths.

Always be wary when mixing business with pleasure. In spite of random endings that go well, there are some highly quicksand-ey situations that make you regret even planning to get the best of both worlds.

In a perfect universe, I would be able to get what I want, when I want it. But since that world exists only in a dream, I suck up all the bad juju that's been accumulating and flash a halfhearted smile. Poor me, always on the losing end.

I'm starting to think the theory I once had was never true to begin with. Apparently, everything I believed about this has been a lie, and I have subjected myself to nothing but embarrassment and despair. But yes, life goes on and I shall eventually find another theory to believe so my heart can get disproved again someday.

Oh well. At least I'm used to disappointments. :( pardon the self-pity. Down in the dumps is just an understatement right now. Sigh.

2:09 AM

The Universe has kickstarted my dormant mind once again.

In the game of chess, one party's attack-and-capture methods are meant to place the king under an inescapable threat of capture. However, all efforts towards the king's demise can be halted, as miniscule miscalculations and even the tiniest overstep can gift a seemingly winning candidate with a draw. And just like that, despite the dirtier work and all those brain cells lost, you eventually still succumb to paying the price. The currency? Frustration.

I sometimes wonder if the Universe has become jaded because of everything it has gone through-- because in spite of my conscious efforts to carefully remain unscathed by its rampage, I nonetheless find myself stuck right in the middle of all the chaos. It's just life, I know, but it doesn't exactly offer solace to my poor, unfortunate heart.

My heart--yes, I believe that's quite the hot topic these days--should just be left at that. No muss, no fuss. And I have gone way past that game of waiting, because there's probably something else much more worthwhile to wait for. My long-time trend of friendly encounters has apparently not escaped me yet, and I say, what's a couple more years (or months, if I'm lucky ;p) of waiting?

It could be premature to say that this is the end of the road, and so I resort so saying it's yet another fork I must contemplate on. Therefore, because of the recent (and rather frequent) turn of events I refuse to read into, time and time again, I succumb to my fate.

Stalemate.

The End of A Fairy Tale

Suffice it to say that I've been trying to pattern my life to the fairy tales I've grown up with. I've always dreamed that some Prince Charming would magically appear into my life and sweep me off of my feet, just like Cinderella and Briar Rose and those other princesses that ruled my childhood dreams. I always thought, too, that someday, I would outgrow it. But I thought wrong.

Growing up doesn't necessarily mean you let go of the child you once were. It just makes you make better choices to equip you with the things you need to survive this ever-so-ruthless world. I chose to make college so much more memorable than it could be, joined things I didn't think I would be a part of, and, yea, got to see the world with my friends. I chose to enter the insane world of Medicine that turned my life inside out and upside-down, and I find myself enjoying despite and in spite of the many, many battle scars it has left me with so far. But now, in the middle of it all, I realize that while I grew up, some part of me still wishes for a different kind of magic--and my head has apparently never stopped dreaming up a fairy tale. But now, the fairy tale ends.

I could say I wish I didn't stop dreaming, but I certainly don't want to live under the shadow of doubt. Sure, I may share comparable sentiments with some people I know, but it doesn't mean I should hold on to the "usual" and carry on. I guess, this time, I truly need to toughen up.

In a different way.

For myself.

No more of those "this is it" things. This time, it should be for real. No more waiting for this frog to turn into a prince. Unrequited matters should be thrown into the sea, along with the many other wishes we want the waves to wash away from our hearts. Right now, I just have to trust that the Big Guy up in Heaven knows what He's doing. :)

I'm letting go of my old fairy tales.

Cos I think it's about time I make some of my own. AND make them happen.

faith, hope and love

i will not be able to exactly describe how blessed i have been this weekend.

amidst that whirlwind of a tribulation that surfaced these past few days, i managed to end the week on a happy note, smiling, as i type this oration. the epitome of my horrific emotional rollercoaster seemingly hit me hard this week--and all i could do was to leave my fate in the hands of fear and dread. i was paralyzed, yes. but i spent my days mostly in school and could not let the creeping depression eat me up. so i remained stoic, practically lifeless, as i trudged away on the tiled and carpeted floors i frequented.

the cherry on top of my disastrous parfait happened when one of my biggest fears slapped me with the inevitable. and my already imperfect string of weeks shattered my heart even more. i felt as though i was being pulled down by quicksand; i found my inner self screaming at the top of my lungs, with not one soul able hear me.

i had never allowed myself to break when i knew i had more things left to deal with. so i didn't. i had to harness what i felt, for the nth time, so that the people around me would not get affected. i smiled and laughed and tried to look awake all the time, while the depths of my soul wandered to the darkest places my sadness brought me to. i was always okay, always apologetic, always trying to be fine, good, nonchalant, happy and smiling as much as i could. no one caught on, which was probably a good thing, but i was silently screaming for someone to really see through my eyes and at least understand the pain.

in the most random of moments, i made myself believe that help was coming, that there was a way to relieve myself from all this torture, or that at least there was hope left for me to hold on to. but it never came, and i continuously sank into my despair's abyss.

Twitter became my semi-ally, while i tried to commit myself to just the limits of achievable personal effectiveness. i typed smiley upon smiley, and sugarcoated my sadness with mock inspiration and hope. the next morning made it even harder to contain-- the world's issues made itself known to me right when i needed silence and anonymity. i left for school with the heaviest of hearts, reeling in all that i had almost let out, and put on my usual poker face.

i found myself slowly breaking after posting some random sad Christmas tweet. i thought i could contain it, but alas, data analysis and statistics started to blur as my eyes welled up and widely opening them could not stop it anymore. as i headed somewhere private to pull myself together, it just got worse. it continued until i went back to my seat and really tried to get it out of my head.

i hate tearing up for no immediate reason, especially out in the open.
i hate that i don't completely understand why i'm crying.
i hate that i wasn't able to hold it in.
i hate feeling this sad.

but God really works in mysterious ways. He allowed me to spend the rest of the day with someone who doesn't judge, and who sometimes knows me better than i do myself. He brought one of my friends i fully trust to the rescue, who wholeheartedly listened to me and kept me company without any tinge of hesitation. with my true friends, i am allowed to feel pain, to cry, to rant, to just keep quiet, to spill my food, to just have woken up, to trip and fall, to be at my ugliest, to sing at the top of my lungs and hear my voice crack. i was, at long last, finally at home with my surroundings.

it was one of the longest moments of my life, where i had to remember all the pain i had locked up in my heart. i spoke as if it would instantly heal me, which it somehow did, as i watched my friend listen patiently. i know she knows it, but i'd just like to say that i really, REALLY appreciate that.

asmph volleyball team bonding

call me grateful, ecstatic, exhilarated, joyous, or whatever else all that may amount to. but i've never been so glad to have been part of Palarong Med this year. :)

i found myself friends and colleagues who shared the same passion as i do towards the profession we are going into, the love for the game that seemingly loves us in different levels. :)) heehee! i, for one, have not been loved that much yet by this sport; but this is JUST the beginning and i am not going anywhere. ;p

Cheers! <3

Team S gets the hot seat! :)

it literally took a lot of everything to get me--especially us--here, and i'm real glad it did. the heart that led us to this happy place cannot be contained at all. :) i am so proud of my teammates and how far we've gone. i admire each and every one of them because there's always something new they bring to the table. and it's equally--if not even more--amazing than what they've been doing already. *much respect*

Good times <3

it's that fire inside us all that made us want to go the distance. it's who we'll eventually become. it's how bad we want it and how willing we are to fight for it. but alas, some things just aren't meant to be. YET. because our fighting spirit will never have an expiration date and that's what matters. we will own the next round and will not settle until we do. :)

give it back to me and i'll make it work. i'll never learn if i don't try. bring it on. ;)

it may have been exhausting and it may not have worked as well as i had hoped for my case, but it's all for the love of the game and the commitment to it. :) all i know is that it's never too late and miracles can happen. so if we work hard enough, we will get what we deserve. :)

Team Pepi :)
ASMPH Women's Volleyball Team 2011
Second Place, Palarong Med 2011 :)

Team AJ :)
ASMPH Men's Volleyball Team 2011
Palarong Med 2011 Champions! :)

i may not have been with these guys for a long time, but i know i have them beside me in this journey. i promise, every tomorrow will be better. i will not settle and will keep charging on. not only for myself, but for the team i have grown to love [cheesy! LOL]. :) really, some things never fail to remind me that i'm not alone. and this is one of them. <3

new beginnings

from frog to cadaver-- BIG LEAP! :) *grateful, grateful* :)

i cannot begin to describe how thankful i am for what happened today. :) besides all the crazy nosebleed-inducing lectures, we actually got to work with a human body.

in truth, i had mixed feelings going into this, knowing i was scared to dissect such a large-scale idea eons before. but now, i have a slightly more elevated sense of understanding compared to my previous brain processes, and i have learned to set aside the fear and focus on clamoring for knowledge.

most of us learned that the crazy stories from higher year levels were so much worse than what actually happened. dissection was not so bad, after all. well... if you factor in hours-long retraction and fascia removal to isolate the needed muscles, arteries and veins, that's going to be a different story. my eyes stung with the fumes from the formalin and airborne lysol mosh pit [yes, it was THAT intense] a few minutes before 5pm, but it was nonetheless good. :) i appreciated anatomy more today. yay points for med school! :)

and everything else is so tiring, i wanna keep moving but not really. hahaha. the workings of a med student's mind :))

it was an honor to work with you this afternoon, Mr. Cadaver, Sir. till we meet again. :)

nice to know

So, my sister-in-law steps out of their room and sees me in the fully-lighted family room at 4am.

Gia: Oh, you're still up?
Me: *points at transes*

*We both smile*

Feels good to know someone in the family understands. :)

sangre realmente

cuando sueño no le ayuda, sabe que es más que malestar. que no siente bien en un nivel diferente, con condiciones fisiologicas mas intensificada por la angustia. 


y cuando única solución que no existe, a estar la excepción es no lo suficientemente bueno.

ultimate fashion

i'm DEAD SERIOUS.

i'd give anything to be able to play Ultimate in THIS outfit. :))