The Downside

Self-preservation is such a two-faced b*tch.

And I don't know why the hell I keep doing this to myself.

I guess I just have to get used to the downside more. I get to detach, yes. But I feel all the glorious pangs, too. As a matter of fact, I just got that almost-too-real heart squeeze a second ago when the smarter part of my brain told me to establish the distance more. That self-satisfied smirk was just too real, and I hope that the blood that drained out of my entirety did not sell me out.

I had to bury my face into my hands because it was too surreal to just endure with a poker face. My smiles betray me, and the initial chill that crept up my being was replaced with some sort of fiery internal struggle even I couldn't decipher. Long story short, it was a flurry of feels I thought I had already let go.

Well, apparently not.

I was pulled back into the real world when I heard a classmate say, "Don't cry, Jaimie. You look like you're going to cry." At that point, all I could muster was a nervous "Huh?" and unconsciously went back to staring into space. I'm okay, I'm okay. It'll be fine.

Yes. It will be. And it should.

Riddle Me This

In this highly labile game of chance, I guess, as with many other matters this life mimics so well, the one who folds first loses.

Despite the sheer travesty of the most recent series of unfortunate events to my poor, poor heart, I choose to bask in indifference and not allow my restless soul to respond. Everything seems to be on edge that whenever I show the slightest bit of openness to the wonderful world of change, I am disappointed and left to mend the tears on my coat of shame.

Easing up on my guard, I think, allows me an almost-parasitic infection that can definitely eat my sanity up. But the natural-ness of everything still picks at my being and never lets me go. Suffice it to say I can't just detach from everything else. But that's how the melodramatic-slash-humane me will always and forever be, I guess. It's a curse, I know. So I'm just gonna have to live with it and face the unfortunate consequences of having a heart.

It may be frustrating to some that I sometimes function too much--believe me, it infuriates me, too--but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. It's not the OCness in me speaking but the actual desire for your development in this crazy, unforgiving world. Don't worry, I would understand if it's maddening (or possibly annoying) and it makes you just opt to not care. Believe it or not, my disheveled heart is ready for more rounds of bashing. ;)

But, I guess, in the midst of all the drama, life does give you what you want and deserve. You just have to possess the patience to wait for it to happen and then you'll see that that perfect time is going to be magical.😘