May Tama Ka

Bago ka magparatang na isip-bata ako, subukan mong alalahanin ang mga panahong tinatamad ka at ayaw mong magtrabaho. Nagreklamo ba ako? Ang alam ko, pinabayaan kitang tamarin at matulog, o di kaya'y kumain o hindi tumanggap ng trabaho. Kasi pagod ka. Kasi inaantok ka. Kasi gutom ka. Kasi toxic ka. Kasi may gagawin ka pa. Kasi kaya ko na to. Kasi yung iba naman ang sabihan ko.

Ang lakas ng loob mong magpaka-agresibo sa mensahe mo. Ikaw na naman ang tama kapag nakikipagsagutan ka. At pagkatapos mo ako pagsalitaan na hindi man lang sa harap ko, ako pa ang nanghingi ng patawad. Hindi ka man lang nga makatingin sa mata ko at nagmistula ka pang asong nakaipit sa mga paa ang buntot.

Sa mga panahong pinagsasalitaan mo ako ng hindi maganda, tandaan mong hindi ako pumatol ni minsan. Bastos ka manalita, at sinasabi ko sayo yun. Pero wala ring pagbabago. At ngayon ikaw ang may napakalakas na loob na magparatang na isip-bata? Munting hiling ko lang po ay tumingin din po kayo sa sarili ninyo bago kayo mangbintang. Pero wala pala akong magagawa dahil perpekto kang nilalang. Sukdulan ang katalinuhan mo. Napakagalang mo sa lahat ng tao. Ikaw ang pamantayan ng kabaitan. Wala na po kaming mahihiling pa sa pagkaperpekto ninyo.

Pero sana makadaan rin sa napakalawak mong utak na wala kang pakialam sa mga tao. Insensitibo ka. At higit sa lahat, BASTOS KA. Pag ako ang may dahilan, isip-bata ako at walang kwenta. Batugan. Abuso. Wala sa lugar. Kapag ikaw, dapat tanggapin namin ang mga dahilan mo. Kaya ayos lang. Kasi pagod ka. Kasi inaantok ka. Kasi gutom ka. Kasi toxic ka. Kasi may gagawin ka pa. Kasi kaya ko na to. Kasi yung iba naman ang sabihan ko.

Nakakatawa. Ngayon mo pa talaga naisip ilabas ang saloobin mo. Inipon mo siguro iyon ng napakatagal na panahon. Nakakamangha na napakatagal mo na pala akong hinaharap ng peke. Ang tanga ko pala talaga. Akala ko nakahanap ako ng kaibigan na totoo, yun pala, imahinasyon ko na naman ang umiral. Akalain mo yun, sa kabobohan na naman pala nauwi ang pagtitiwala ko. Pero ayos lang. Sanay na ako.

Ikaw pa talaga ang may lakas-loob na pagsalitaan ako ng ganyan. Kesyo kilala mo ako. Na isip-bata, na walang alam, na tamad. Pasensya na ho, ser, ito lang ho ang kayang pag-isipan ng makitid kong utak. Hindi ko ho sinasadya na madawit ang napakalinis ninyong pagkatao. Di bale ho, sa susunod, hindi na ho kayo makakarinig ng anuman mula sa akin.

Salamat sa halos tatlong taong punung-puno ng panlilinlang. Ako ang nagkamaling magbigay ng buong pagtitiwala sa isang taong may masamang pananaw naman pala sa pagkatao ko. Pero dahil sa palagay ko, hindi ako masamang tao, sana makahanap ka ng kaibigang magpapakita sayo ng katotohanan, ngayon man o sa mas mahabang panahon pa.

Tagalog yan. Yun na lang.

posted from Bloggeroid

Fin.

Irresponsible. Disappointment. Poor patient care. Pacute. Immature.

I never thought that working towards a dream could be this heartbreaking. And it's even more crushing that those who call themselves my friends actually agree to all these qualities I'm accused of.

Hurtful, yes. But, oh well. Must be true, then. A little pain never killed anyone anyway.

posted from Bloggeroid

Runner Up

Hello, it's me
I was wondering if after all these months, you'd like to meet
To go over some things
They say that time's supposed to heal you
But I ain't done much healing

Hello, can you hear me?
I'm in circles caught in daydreams about who we used to be
When we were younger and free
I've forgotten how it felt before the world crashed down on me

There lies such distance between us
And we're worlds apart

Hello from the other side
I must've tried a thousand times
To show you I'm here now
Keep breaking down in your arms
Every time she walks by
You leave and forget me

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I've tried
Though you don't say you're sorry
For breaking my heart
But it don't matter
It clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore

Hello, how are you two?
It's so typical of me to talk about myself, I'm sorry
I hope that you're well
Did you ever make it out of that phase
Of friends onward to lovers

It's no secret
That I've already
Ran out of time

So hello from the other side
I must've tried a thousand times
To show you I'm here now
Keep breaking down in your arms
Every time she walks by
You leave and forget me

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I've tried
Though you don't say you're sorry
For breaking my heart
But it don't matter
It clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore

Anymore
Anymore
Anymore
Anymore

Hello from the other side
I must've tried a thousand times
To show you I'm here now
Keep breaking down in your arms
Every time she walks by
You leave and forget me

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I've tried
Though you don't say you're sorry
For breaking my heart
But it don't matter
It clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore

posted from Bloggeroid

Latch

One. Space for motion.
Two. Eyes closed.
Three. Heart aslumber.
Latch.

Four. Inches.
Five. Meters.
Six. Kilometers.
Latch.

Seven. Sight.
Eight. Mind.
Nine. Sweep.
Latch.

Ten. Find a way.
Nine. Make a way.
Eight. Do.
Latch.

Seven. Ready.
Six. Get set.
Five. Go.
Latch.

Four. Break.
Three. Mend.
Two. Take.

And, finally--latch.

posted from Bloggeroid

Desiderata

I know it just isn't. But why is it that in my heart of hearts, I'm somehow still waiting to be surprised?

In the greater scheme of things, some extraterrestrial force might be at work here. I feel like I'm constantly told to ease up on my grip, but every single time I try to let go, I end up holding on some more. That said, I now have opened up my horizons to new terrain, in which the friend gets crowned queen. Such a hard pill to swallow, but if it happens, well, then it happens. I am clearly not in the position to actually have a say about anything, so my thoughts shall remain thoughts... And I pray that my eyes remain expressionless, too.

My eyes- -yes, my eyes, in all their weird glory- -may, or dare I say, will betray me. What I just have to uphold, though, is the constant barricade that borders the iceberg that was once called my heart. The upside? Consistency. Despite the fact that fate really does enjoy kicking my royal ass.

You know what scares me right now, though? Somehow feeling that I've created my own kryptonite. And that my ultimate demise will be when it decides to present itself before my eyes. Add to that this nagging feeling that no matter how aware of it I may be, my world will crash and burn.

All. Over. Again.

posted from Bloggeroid

Overdrive

I find it rather odd that I've (really) only felt how heavy my heart has been for the past few weeks, well.. A few hours ago.

While mindlessly trying to make a dent on tonight's required readings, a single push notification enticed me to check the dreaded blackhole that is Facebook.

It took a whole world of control to keep myself from bawling my eyes out because of what I read. There were a few tasteful tears, of course, but, somehow, I'm still trying to keep it together.

Because that's what I do.

But, as adjusted as I may seem, this funny little monster of an emotion keeps popping out any chance it can get. It's probably a little early to get all reflective, but one of the (if not THE) best messages I got was how I've been making some people proud of who I'm trying to be. Yes, it's unbelievably cliché. But it's also just the kind of motivation I need when my insides constantly demand me to let all this madness go.

Because everyday seemingly becomes a freaking decision to keep moving forward.

posted from Bloggeroid

Baka Sakali

Baka sakaling sa isang mahimbing na pagtulog ay matutunan ng panahon na makalimot.
Baka sakaling sa isang gabi ng pagsusunog ng kilay ay matutunan ng utak na makaintindi.
Baka sakaling sa isang kisapmata'y maglaho ang pighati na dumadagundong sa pusong nananahimik.
Ngunit baka sakali ring sa isang iglap lang mawaglit ang ala-ala ng nagbabadyang pagpatak ng luha.

Baka sakaling tanging pagsibol ang tila hinahanap-hanap ng mugtong mga mata
Baka sakaling tanging pag-iintindi ang nais ng nagsusumigaw na ala-ala.
Baka sakaling tanging panaghoy ng balintataw ay ang nagpupumilit magpakita
Ngunit baka sakali namang tanging pagtighaw ng saloobin ang nais ring matamasa.

Baka sakaling naibahagi na ang di-mawaring kabuuan
Baka sakaling mistulang tikom na lamang ang kalakasan
Baka sakaling lumipas na ang tatag ng noo'y buo pang kakayahan
Ngunit baka sakaling bukas-isip at unti-unti nang maglaho ang pagsasadulaan

Marahil, sa dapit-hapo'y malaman ang hinagpis ng nakaraan
Marahil, takipsilim ang tagapagsaad ng mga diumano'y nabaon na sa limot
Marahil ay lumiban ang pangako ng bukang-liwayway
Marahil ay sa madaling araw manumbalik ang natatanging katotohanan

Dahil baka sakaling maaari pang tuklasin ang bikas ng kakulangan
At baka naman sakaling huwego lamang ito na 'di maiwas-iwasan
Ngunit baka sakaling inaantabayanan lamang ang pag-usbong ng kamalayan
O 'di kaya'y nais nang isakatuparan ang di-inaasahang katotohanan.

Marahil ay tapos na ang panahon na katuwang ng paghihintay
Baka sakaling hanap na ng kalakaran ang pagkakawalay
Hanggang kailan ang libangan na tila nakasanayan na
Na tila di kailanma'y maisantabi ng gunita?

Hindi mapalagay ang nababagabag kong diwa
Walang paubayang pagsalat ang tangan ng panhunab
Sa pag-ikot ba ng orasan ay maparam ang lipon ng mga palagay?

Marahil.

Maari.

Baka sakali.

Sin Palabras

It really baffles me how words affect people less. Maybe I just trust a little too easily, or probably because I think too much, but still.

As far as I know, being an adult requires a certain amount of responsibility, not just for yourself, but for others as well. Or it's possibly just how I was raised. Then again, isn't that what responsibility actually implies?

Unfortunately, right now is such a redundancy of maybes. If I don't write about it, my brain will burst from an insane amount of annoyance for wasted time and trust. Maybe, again, this is an exaggeration, but the prior week of exhaustion doesn't help, either. And to be given an argument that clearly does not help adds to the bull I've been dealing with since before I left home early this morning.

One thing remains clear--let's go back to the part where I said I mean what I say, shall we? The downside of spite directed towards friends is the double-edgedness, if there is such a word, of the situation: you either illicit something that gets brushed off, or create a solid kind of rift that takes time to go away. Especially if balls are nonexistent. And, if you really know how ladies function, you know point A will not always work for similar situations.

Because there will always be a glitch in the matrix.

Oh,Ye Guardians of Change, please come sooner.

Break Free

So, yeah. 2014's ending in a few hours, and my night wouldn't be complete without commemorating how interesting my life's been for the past month.

It has definitely been a roller coaster ride these past few weeks. I have somehow managed to promise myself a few things, that, unfortunately, were almost, but not quite done. I thought this would be the year I get to complete the dawn masses, but alas, a day before the last one, exhaustion got the better of me.

It's crazy how I beat myself up over it and effing stormed through life for those last 2 days. It was childish, yes, but it was an offering for something I wanted--for someone else. I originally believed that I'd only get a more powerful prayer if I completed everything, but, after missing that single one, I had to convince myself that life doesn't depend on perfecting these rituals that have somehow grown into a fad for great hopes and dreams for some. I guess, in a way, that was the answer I got--that, if I keep my faith strong, what I earnestly pray for will eventually come to fruition. In His perfect time. We were told during mass that He is never selfish, and gives so much more than what we really need. All we have to do is be patient.

And patience did I have. I had a plan. And I changed it. Now, I'm still waiting. At that time, though, it didn't matter that I had prayed for my dreams less. I just had something better to pray for, and I would gladly work harder on personal matters if what deems important to my family gets the lion's share of my faith.

It took the last month of the year to make me grateful and nothing else. I'm extremely grateful. I really am. Because when everything works out for the better, I'm certain that seemingly wasted money and vacation plans won't even matter anymore.

For now, though, I just have to lean onto my rock-solid firewall of a faith.

Allusions

It still baffles me that in an alternate universe, most units coexist but don't even trust each other. I mean, thank God I'm not part of that hullabaloo, but it sends shivers down my spine whenever I witness these relationships in action.

Lord, please bless those who need to learn how to open their hearts the most, and to learn how to let go of seemingly superficial relationships to make space for genuine ones that will come along. It saddens me that some future colleagues of mine refuse to acknowledge the beauty of working as a team and making things happen together, but instead lambast each other (albeit indirectly) for the rest of the world to see. I understand that a healthy amount of caution be employed in everything we do, but this amount of distrust is clearly a leap further than alarming.

It's quite unsettling that I am thrust into an environment that contains elements such as these, but I remain firm in my belief that there will always be a way for things to get better. I can only hope and pray that sometime soon, or perhaps someday, the shroud of confusion clears up and everyone decides that maturity will breathe so much more good into our lives.

In anything and everything, and, most importantly, above all things... Faith.

Sunsets

There will always be one fateful day of clarity. That day when everything that used to be blurred just clears out. I'm not usually blessed with these moments, but when I am, it'll definitely be a crazy ride back to reality after everything's been said and done.

It wasn't today, of course. Or yesterday. Or the day before that. But the past few weeks, I think, have been deeply priming me for some sort of transition I will either love or loathe.

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret--time alone scares me. It's one of the best feelings in the world, of course, since you become productive alone, too, but that same productivity is something I find so hard to trust.

Just like a sword, everything good has a double edge. This isn't pessimistic at all, but, in reality, there will always be two sides to anything. Going back to my previous train of thought, I hate alone time as much as I bask in it. Because it is the one thing that never fails to catch me off-guard. Every. Single. Time.

When I started over, I had so much pain and longing for the life I had to leave behind, and it hurt like hell that something you work so hard on gets taken away from you in the blink of an eye. It was a struggle, to say the least, which I somehow managed to work through, but now that I'm in the middle of yet another transition in my life, it still feels strange that there's so much I hold back on. It isn't anything selfish, really, just... Proper.

A few days ago I was asked an age-old question: Safe and boring or Dangerous but fun? The waiting game indeed sucks to begin with and real strength lies in making choices. But I still don't know which side I'm on. Maybe I'll find out soon? Yes. Maybe.

In other news, I'm insanely grateful for the gift of foresight. I always knew such an incident would change the way the world turned, and it did. At least for me. Sure, there were random swipes at what tito Rico sang about, but the decision was mounted by the flick that, without a doubt, sealed the deal.

It doesn't even matter that the quest for normalcy remains in action--the sun simply cannot be stopped from setting. Kudos to uninhibited glory, too, because it was exactly what I needed to ride my chariot and join the fate of the red-orange sun. At least, as I end this sojourn, I know a new one will begin. And it will be as tumultuous as what I just came from. Only, this time, I know how my horses should be held.

I went into this transition with hope that my weary heart can get by--and it did, for a while. Only now, I feel like I need to take those steps back and reevaluate my road less taken. Since it was my follow-through that drained my sanity out, I trust that this same follow-through wrings out anything dragging me down. It was Nostradamus from the very start--my little Saunder would ultimately take me off the edge. And, not surprisingly, Marissa Cooper never gets to Berkeley.

This is probably my last semblance-of-an-actual-summer and I can't wait to start it. All apprehensions should be put to rest real soon, as I hang my proverbial mask and face the inevitable depths of the unknown. I know it'll be less than eventful, and that I won't even get to feel sand between my toes, but there's a certain kind of calm that I'm looking forward to feeling once all this is over. And, maybe then, I'd be completely at peace. 

For right now, though, I see myself become one of those shadowy figures I drew back in sixth grade. Solitary, staring out into the sun, passively allowing the red-orange beacon of hope sink into the darkness of the sea. 

Breathless

I feel like I'm falling headfirst into an endless void and there's no way out. I seemingly keep myself chained to nothingness, allowing everything to happen without me being part of it.

I guess it's normal that hormonal tendencies get in the way of endorphin-loading tired minds. I keep paddling on, but the void keeps pulling me back... So far back that life keeps happening while I helplessly hang on, and I passively (but rather painstakingly) ride the horrific coaster that forcefully propels me to oblivion.

I am both anxious and excited for the terminal vacay of my medical career. I may be boring or even stressed out by then, or even totally devoid of adventure, but one thing's for sure-I will be gone. It's about time I make up for lost eons because I kind of miss myself already.

posted from Bloggeroid

Respect.

Most annoying thing in this world is when people put words into my mouth. And it doesn't help that my allergies that have acted up over the weekend have turned into a full-blown flu. Today's trust dented.

Just so everyone knows, reaching a new high does not constitute total freedom devoid of respect. And dismissing a conversation haphazardly and rather condescendingly is even more infuriating to someone who does not deserve it at all.

Ugh. I'm getting a headache just thinking about it.

posted from Bloggeroid

Begin Again

When you get to the point of no return, and walls seem to be closing in on you, you realize that it is not meant to be perfect after all.

posted from Bloggeroid

Restricted Access

This night was never intended to be desserts-laden, but because of rested psyches and somewhat refreshed minds, that's basically what it turned out to be.

I may not see eye-to-eye with the many decisions I see around me everyday, but I believe that at the heart of this is the resignation to my fate--that some things simply have to happen for the rest of it to fall into place. 

Indeed, the only thing that gets me all tied up never gets old. It's that perfect moment of captured incapacity, knotting up every ironed-out strand of my sanity to the ends of the earth and enveloping my solace with a blanket of haze. It's one of those times when the ever-so-infallible strength I assume crumbles into smithereens. And it happens all the time. In the most random of moments, in those times I never see coming. 

It's probably common knowledge to some that the one entity I take as my shield is the only ever entity that can choose decide to disarm me. I may repeatedly refuse to recognize its power over me, but deep down, my mind is sure that even a single flick of a finger can bring me to the road to my demise. OKAY, so it isn't really my demise, but just the thought of it harbors ill feelings of varying possibilities that my mind refuses to entertain. It's a transition my weary heart dares not fathom, because with it come options that my ears are scared to receive. 

But since I choose not to spend forever in the never-ending abyss that is oblivion, someday I gotta get my sh*t together and man up for anything that comes my way. I don't know if I'll ever have the courage to truly deal with the aftermath, but one thing's for sure--tears will fall, whatever this transition does to my battered facade. 

I know it's completely absurd to keep stressing out on something that can be solved by elementary mathematics, but the very thing that clams me up is the repercussions, if any, that something so elementary can bring. It's something I need to resolve, fast, because I know that my constant overthinking will someday bring me to the edge. And common knowledge also dictates (though silently) that things may not be as calm and pretty when all hell breaks loose. I can only pray, therefore, that I be given enough strength to persevere, whether or not what I've been praying for materializes.

I have no idea if I should really allow myself to believe what most people tell me. But maybe I should also consider giving myself the opportunity to see things in a new light. So should I follow the natural course of things, according to my immediate world? Or do I allow myself to remain in the dark, calculating every single time how many steps forward I should take to get to just the right spot? My mind tells me that something should come out of this soon, or else I risk heightened irregularities and nonsensical musings. But merely thinking about it constitutes some extent of pulse-racing and distractedness... That even in the midst of everything crystal clear and serene, there's a debilitating sense of calm (the unnerving kind) that washes over me.

Okay. It's probably what populations are screaming for me to admit, so here it is--I'm scared. This isn't something that goes according to plan, no matter how much it's rehearsed. It just fails miserably. Every single time. And the other thing that kills me is the insane possibility that this goes exactly according to plan, which will leave me dumbfounded.

In everything, though, there is something that's called a silver lining--and no matter how crappy situations may be, it's still there. We only need enough insight to recognize its existence, and to dispel anything derogatory that may relentlessly try to mask it. Because, in truth, everything is just a matter of perspective. And the one who chooses the worse alternative ends up in the losing end.

The question is, with everything laid out, and with enough evidence that has been seemingly substantial for the jury, which path do I choose? Maybe, just maybe, I really know exactly what to do... It's just this stubborn brain that keeps me from doing what needs to be done. I've been rambling for the past hour, trying to delay the inevitable, but in my heart of hearts, I know that this only leads to one thing. And that thing needs accomplishment for my heart and mind to finally get the rest they definitely deserve. I will make it happen. Someday. Soon. I hope.

Taking Chances

What exactly does it take to always live in the moment?

It's as if life keeps taking me to the perils of the void that refuses to exist, leaves me there and never comes back. It's a rush, of course, because somehow, in some way, there's a ray of sunshine that seeps into the cracks, albeit short-lived. And for one brief moment, I relish in the fervor of its almost-perfection.

But then I (truly) open my eyes and realize it was just an oasis after all.

I have recently coerced my weary insides to work together to attain a single goal, which, so far, has been going pretty much alright. However, I still find myself selectively attentive to ideas that breed hypothetical scission. I have no idea if it's noticeable, but I try to make it appear as natural as possible. It's a process that I have yet to get through, of course, which makes life all the more painstaking. But that's that and I do not have control over everything, so I might as well just roll with it.

Nights such as the one that has just passed take me on a journey to the possibility of the beyond, but leaves me longing for the Cinderella story I have (previously) willingly casted to the starry sky. Longing, yes. Expecting, no. Because the beauty of reality is that it gives you exactly what you need at the most perfect time imaginable. It shows you that the little illusion you've repeatedly seen is nothing but exactly that-an illusion-which makes you choose to look past the fairy tale and into the workings of the actual world.

Painful, yes. But inappropriate? No.

posted from Bloggeroid

Starry, Starry Night

I had an epiphany a few nights ago.

And it didn't matter that I had multivolume books before me, too. Despite my brain's efforts to make a beeline for The Zone, apparently, my heart had other plans.

It was something I just couldn't let go of, despite how much it would take a toll on my sanity. And as much as time proved me wrong, in a select few situations, my cerebral senses just refused to back down without a fight, which is precisely what's making it even harder for my blood-pumping machine to discount the facts that haphazardly flash before my eyes.

Preference never really bothered me before, mainly because I believed in equal opportunities for everything and everyone. Unfortunately, though, circumstances aren't that chummy with time, and so they continuously try to outdo each other any chance they can get. Fun for them, not that much fun for us. We are constantly flung into a world of make-believe, where fleeting moments toy with our hearts and mindlessly injure our brains. In the process, hearts are injured, too, and then you are left with double negatives that speak volumes of how it should have been from the very start.

It's clearly a shocker that the better part of my being, the self-preserving one, only decided to really take this seriously now, when I'm in over my head with possibilities and seemingly superficial happiness. But it's never too late, as they say. Someday, it will make sense why certain decisions will have to be made, no matter how delayed the commencement. I think it just works better that way, to assist my brain in trying to steal the monopoly away from my all-too-dominant heart.

Fatalistic tendencies need not be employed for now, because I believe that it wasn't really supposed to have ended as everyone thought it would, anyway. I simply go with how life allows me to flow. And because of certain things, I may never have faith in praises anymore. The line that separates that kind of truth will always and forever be blurred to me, and the only choice will be to stop the charade. In the end, I don't know if this will be something I'll be sad or happy about; but at least, for now, I can permit myself to stop believing in certain things.. And I hope my internal processes agree with me, too.

Funny that what I've been praying for for the longest time have turned into my own personal kryptonite. The Big Guy up there must really love me to have allowed me to believe in what (I thought) would bring me happiness for an extended period of time. Sigh. Even if I have always had a love-hate relationship with patience, I know, deep in my heart, that I am truly capable of it. Now, however, I think time is asking me to stop waiting and move on to better avenues where my patience will be better received. The bigger challenge, though, is how I could make my heart stop resisting this change.

I guess it's already tiring that all I talk about is my ever-so-conflicting heart and mind. But that's what drives me, really. I do not only function with one (even if sometimes, it seems as if I do), and I always make sure that I inject a piece of both in everything that I do. Love me or hate me, but that's how I was programmed. And there will only be a select few who will be able to figure out how my processes can be reconfigured. I most probably don't know them yet (I think, OR maybe I already do), but it would be super if they showed up sooner than soon. :)

I sincerely (and seriously) hope that this transition won't be exasperating to and for some of my dear friends. I hope they get to help me (even indirectly) endure this, too. Because no matter how much I deny it, I'm still just a girl who gets herself hurt by these things. And surely, that won't be a pretty sight. I will be stupid, I will be careless, I will be annoying, and even childish and inconsiderate but I pray that I still find a ray of light somewhere in my peeps.

In the greater scheme of things, I know that this will be good for me. Clichés aren't meant to be honored, anyway. Change is (almost) always good. And I think what comes along with it, acceptance, will be even better.

posted from Bloggeroid

Okay? Okay.

One step forward, two steps back.

I never REALLY understood that until last night. Allow me to elucidate.

When there's anything someone prepares for—no matter how trivial it may seem to the rest of the world—if it does not, in any way, happen, expect hormones to come into play. Because investment plays a large role in preparation, and when people lose them, sacrifices are lost to oblivion. Adjustments have gone to waste. And, to say the least, hopes are shattered.

What constitutes as grand to some may not necessarily be the same to everyone else. Simple sacrifices are seemingly basic for those who have done "so much," but allowing small lapses to happen in the continuous effort to turn one's life around to someone itching to make a difference matters to the ends of the earth, too. I don't care what people say anymore—that I'm aging, I'm shallow, I'm too prissy, I'm irrational and an overthinker. So what if I am these things? Getting me out of my rut by ever-so-untimely aggravating my mood will not help the slightest bit. I don't care if this is the first celebration of the century, but any normal, respectful, and considerate human being would know when the farce should end.

If anything, I tried my hardest to swing back to normalcy as the day went on. But you can't blame me for the nagging feeling that continuously crept up my spine. So it would naturally take a while, because I take pride in deeming the smallest things (along with everything else monumental) important—and not everyone can understand that. I trudged to my dorm and tried getting comfortable, but to no avail. In the middle of staring blankly at the ceiling, my brain decided to shut my system down and recuperate.

I felt as though I had a couple hours of (mostly) dreamless sleep, and it sugared up the neurotransmitters that made my earlier mood turn sour. I got less annoyed, yes, but I tried looking at the brighter side of things so I could possibly accomplish more work in the night. And then I let out a biiiiig sigh.

That's right. I took a step back and assessed how it could've gone differently.

Of course I refuse to persecute myself for what I felt. They were feelings, after all, and every human is entitled to have at least some. However, I needed to learn from how I miscalculated my reactions so that I could face similar (future) moments with a clearer head. I rationalized every step and came up with an even longer justification (which, of course, I won't write or even I will fall asleep from this oration) and then, finally, it dawned unto me—we take steps back to appreciate what we have moving forward.

I always thought that line was irrational—how come two steps back are needed? Isn't one just enough? Won't you fall behind so much more if, in the case of wanting to move forward, for every step to growth, you retreated two leaps back?

Yet I always found myself thinking that. One step forward, two steps back. Maybe I never really understood it, but I knew I would fully appreciate it someday (aside from the fact that The Moffatts had that line in their song in the not-so-distant past, a.k.a. my childhood, so I would naturally have a connection to it. :p) Like I said, I probably just needed a bit of time to have it grow on me. And grow on me it did.

As the hours dragged by, I countered my worries with something better I could hold on to. That (1) Donation was just not possible because I was working on protecting myself from future harm. My vaccination apparently took 3 months from my last dose before I could help out and give back; (2) Some people just don't get me, still. And that's okay, because some people do; (3) Social graces are innate—you either have it or you don't. And though some of the people I call my friends don't have it, there's a rather competitive percentage of them who do. Therefore, all is well in the world; (4) There will always be someone who will pop up and not give up on you in the worst of your moods. Thank you, you made me laugh, and; (5) It's only a bad day, not a bad life.

My steps back made my heart a little lighter, and I could not be more thankful that it did. Because through that, I found out that these aren't setbacks, but springboards for even more advanced growth. We are tested so that we may be humble enough to step back—two times at that. Because when you're in over your head, you forge on without thinking, and your fear is lost. And you become careless and forget the many things you used to have faith in. 

This may seem like too much for a tiny incident, but what can I say? I overthink. And I see that as a strength—because this way, I won't take anything for granted.  I will learn from the smallest of things, and pray that I may someday reap blessings even more than what I had hoped for. I'm glad this gave me a rather debilitating night, because it gave me time to ponder on what the good (and bad) things were for. And I couldn't be more thankful that it did. 

This could be an experience that some people may learn from (even if I had thoughts mostly about myself, or about anything within the lines of the multitude of things I said). If it helped you understand how I think a little better, then it partly did its job. If it didn't, however, then this is just another blog you chanced upon. Well, I hope you at least had a good laugh. ;)

Running Away With Me

I believe that we live in a world of misfits. I think we all try to exist in our own unique worlds, trying our hardest to appear as though we try to fit in.

The truth is, though, nobody wants to admit that we don't care at all whether our immediate world likes us or not. Call it arrogance or whatever else you may think it is—but any of the real people will own up to thinking the way they do because they long to bask in the warm embrace that their own beautiful worlds willingly give them. For in this all-too-familiar reality our earthly beings have drawn us into, we work towards assimilating entities that slowly build a part of ourselves—so that we grow into the people we aspire to be.

Just My Imagination

30 August 2014, 4:42 pm.

I learned something new today. And it's not at all medical.

It partly is, I think... Then again, I know it totally isn't.

But I did—I learned something I'm trying my hardest to put aside and not believe.

When you think about it, sporadic awareness of pieces of information should at least make life easier. However, in many different situations, that just isn't the case.

I heave sigh upon sigh—of, I don't know: relief? Exasperation? Surrender?—as I listened to each word that would have meant the world to me at an earlier time, but that I've been trying to desensitize myself from in the very clouded present. I knew, deep in the portals of my heart, that some of those words still ring true to this very day. However, it was that same poor, disheveled entity that chose to fight all possibilities, in the fear of succumbing to a pain much worse than anything I've been acknowledging for the past eons of what seemed like forever.

01 September 2014, 10:34 pm.

I would like to believe that I have taught myself to finally choose my battles—but for some strange, demented reason, I find myself fighting the same one time and time again. I wait for a miracle to happen in the deepest forests of oblivion, where virtually no soul can reach my wandering heart.

Funny, though, that my efforts at self-preservation lead me to this same path. That no matter how much I rant and I rant, against all odds, I still fall back into the arms of my yellow brick road. Yes, I often ask myself why I allow such a cycle to happen. But then my brain retorts something so sharp that my entirety believes in it, too. And then for a fleeting moment, in just a split second of reality, I find an all-too-real comfort in knowing that I have been freed from the black hole of my routine. But when all has been said and done, when the masks come off, the heart simply wants what it wants.

posted from Bloggeroid